Feel like I am losing my family

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by dstc_99, May 1, 2013.

  1. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Ok so after recent events where difficult child told me to F*** off on a public forum my husband contacted my father and let him know if was not acceptable and that if it continued there would be consequences. Of course my father supported difficult child and told us we were overreacting. Needless to say this did not make me happy so when he called to say he was coming to my house to pick something up I went shopping so I didn't have to see him. I'm sure it ****** him off because he probably wanted to see me and easy child but I am tired of pretending and right now all I want to do is scream at him.

    My mother has her own tactics for trying to talk to me or see me. She likes to message me and my brother on Facebook with sayings about how she loves her children and wants to be a good mom. I just ignore them. She also emails me on occasion with info on difficult child's activities. I respond back with as little information as possible. Her most recent request is that we come down for difficult child's prom . I told her we would be there for pictures. I had plans to show up for the pics and leave since any time I try to spend time with difficult child or my parents it causes an arguement. I figured the least amount of time together the smoother the day goes for everyone. Of course mom emails back and says that my father and she would like us to spend some time at their house. I politely declined saying we did not feel comfortable there and we would simply attend the picture time. I am sure all hell is going to break lose now.

    What ticks me off worse than all that though is that she keeps calling easy child and going into this poor pitiful me thing where she says "I can't make you love me" and "I can't make you spend time with me." It freaking infuriates me because who the hell puts that kind of **** on the shoulders of a 13 year old kid? Plus it just makes easy child dread talking to her and dread spending time with her. I am not going to force my child to be subjected to that ****. If she wants to spend time with them she can but if she choses to spend the time with my Aunt instead I am not going to argue.

    I feel for my parents I really do. I know they think they are doing the right thing and probably feel like I am being ridiculous by avoiding them. They probably feel like I am trying to keep easy child from them even though I have never done that. I have always supported them having a relationship even now after all this ****. I am sure they are hurting because they are slowly losing me and easy child since we are moving across the country this summer.

    On the other hand I am pi$$ed at them! They have difficult child with them and have essentially ruined that relationship for me. Its her senior year and I am missing it. My brother doesn't want to talk about it and avoids it at all costs. They have said things that are very hurtful about my parenting.

    I feel like I have lost a family and right now I am hurting too badly to make myself a target for whatever else they decide to throw at me.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    {{hugs}} sometimes parents are worse difficult children than our difficult children...
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I learned a unique way of coping with family, plus I have my own definition of family, partly because three of my kids are adopted.

    1/Family is not a choice. We can not pick and choose who we share DNA with.

    2/Real family is who loves you and treats you with respect. Even DNA related people are in my opinion expendable if they are mean to us. Nobody should put up with being treated like garbage by anyone just because of a DNA connection. I pick my friends/family. My DNA cohorts are in my life by accident and only when I want them there.

    You aren't losing your family. These people never loved you the right way or treated you the way you deserve. You can't lose anything you never had. Do you have a nice group of friends? I only have ever had a few close friends and to me they are my real brothers and sisters. As for the DNA people I've been tossed with, my mother disowned me and didn't like me and I wasted half my life trying to make her like me because of DNA. Sorry I wasted my time. Wasn't worth it. She disinherited me anyway and was cruel when we had interactions. My father DNAer is not a nice man. I talk to him just enough to keep him happy. He isn't that interested in my life anyway and cares even less about his grands. He has a great grandson he has never seen and has no interest in seeing. Brother lives in NJ...nice guy when I see him. Sister is on and off again...can be nasty and get jealous.

    My friends would never do the things to me that my DNA family has. I have learned to value the most those who value me. I lavish my affection on those people, not the DNAers who are either mean to me or don't care about me.

    The opposite of what my family did to me (ignore) is what your family is doing to you (control in a mean way). It's up to you, but do you really need them that much? Why? Do you think your parents are so clueless that they don't know EXACTLY what they are doing to you? When they say very hurtful things about your parenting, they don't know it? It's not on purpose? Would they have liked it if their parents had done this to THEM?

    They will chase easy child away and it will be their faults. Nobody likes a guilt trip.

    Counseling really helped me with my DNA family issues. Sometimes it's good to take long breaks from DNAers and never just lay down and let them do what they want. Stick up for yourself!

    I don't miss the DNAers that I choose to avoid a lot.
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    They sound like toxic passive/aggressive bullies. I'm with MWM - their being related to you doesn't mean that you have to be a part of their lives. If they treat you in a way that you wouldn't take from a friend/stranger/co-worker/spouse, don't take it from them.

    I speak from experience that this is not for the faint hearted. I walked away from a situation like this with my parents 15 years ago and told them I wouldn't tolerate that treatment anymore. I figured it was a starting point for us to have a better relationship. It ended up being the end of my relationship with every family member including nieces and nephews. No one ever spoke to me again. Why? Because I told my parents to let me parent my own kids. Did it nearly kill me inside? Yes. Does it still hurt if I think about it? Yes. Do I miss being humiliated to my face, demeaned to my children, and told how to live my life? Not one bit. I'm a good person and I will never let another person define me in a way that isn't representative of who I am again in my life.

    Easy? No. Better? Yes.
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I can hear how much this is hurting you and I'm sorry it is. I agree with Witz, these are difficult situations and everyone handles them in the way they can live with. I had to make choices in my family too, some siblings and I have no relationship at all and there were times I did not speak to my mother for a long time. I tried to resolve these relationships and in some cases I could, in others it meant I had to walk away. It's painful and leaves a hurt in your heart, but allowing certain behaviors is unacceptable and sometimes unforgivable, no matter who the person is. We all come to the table with our own 'stuff' which often we are not aware of and that is where the problems surface, particularly in family, those you are most vulnerable with.

    As time goes by, you may need to distance yourself more from your mother, father and daughter. They seem to have colluded against you; collusion is a favored position in dysfunctional families, someone becomes the scapegoat, it seems that would be you. All of the toxicity is pointed at one person so the family system can continue unchanged. If I were in your shoes, I think I would seek counseling to help me to not engage with the toxic behaviors and find a way to not allow that energy to impact me. That is one hard nut, I know, but the family system seems broken already and with you as the only one who sees that, and no one else invested in the truth, you will remain the scapegoat. It may be the best possible scenario for you to move across the country.

    I am sorry, I really understand how much this hurts you and makes you angry too. Take some time for yourself, do kind things for YOU. This doesn't sound like a healthy situation, it may be best for you to disconnect, at least for awhile. Take care of yourself. Be around those who love you...............hugs.......
  6. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys!

    I know they aren't horrible people and that is the only reason I have allowed difficult child to stay with them. Them supporting her makes me look bad but at this point there is really nothing I can do to change that. She turns 18 in less than 2 months so I just don't feel like fighting anymore. I also know they are hurting because they are not able to have a relationship with me.


    You guys are right! I would quit a job if I worked with people who treated me this way. I would walk away from friends if they treated me like that. Hell the reason difficult child is with them is because I cant stand being treated that way.

    Thank goodness Washington State is a 5 day drive away. They will have little to no access to me or to easy child and if the guilt trip **** keeps happening I will make sure they have no access. easy child has enough self esteem issues she doesn't need them making them worse or making her feel bad for not being there.
  7. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    My therapist told me it was completely normal to walk away from people who treat you badly. It completely changed my relationship with my family. I didn't cut myself off but I distanced myself to the point it didn't hurt too much anymore. It took almost two years but for the first time in my life I am getting support from my family instead of treated like koi. It was so empowering when their opinion stopped dictating how I viewed myself and my parenting skills.
    I prefaced my with drawl with telling them what my doctor said about boundaries and people who let others walk on them don't have good boundaries. That I was sick of them believing the worst about me when any other person would tell you I would give you the short off my back. And I was sick of being others crying towel but no one supporting me through my emotional hard ship. I just quit calling and I started only answering the phone when I wanted to. My mom came out for the birth of my child and it was the most pleasant time we had since I was a teen! She was here for a whole month and it did her good to see her oldest grand kid is not an angel and sometimes has very odd behaviors. She has been a rock with all the issues going on with my hubs.

    I highly recommend setting and sticking with your boundaries and if they care they will take what you are saying seriously. If you don't think you can say it out loud write a letter and hit ignore on the phone a few thousand times.dont let them react to what you said force them to think about it.
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    dstc....granted I dont know everything that has gone on in your family I am going to assume there has been some very difficult stuff for you to be feeling this way. I do think there must be at least some redeeming qualities if you have allowed them to take care of your oldest difficult child to live there or else that wouldnt have even been a thought in your mind.

    I can also understand parents who simply will not accept the boundaries that you have set up in your relationship. Im sure it makes you feel like a child who simply cannot do a thing right in the world. Of course while all this is going on you have a easy child who is missing out on a relationship with his grandparents and that relationship is fixing to become a whole lot harder for him to maintain. I really think if I were in your position I would set my feelings aside if I could and let your easy child see your parents. You dont have to be best buddies with your parents but allowing easy child to experience his grandparents while he can will be beneficial to him. At least I think so. My mother was crazy as a loon and I still made sure she had some relationship with my boys. She had hurt me very deeply but I couldnt let that effect my children. She is dead now and has been for 8 years and they now know a little bit about what I went through as a child but not all of it. I dont want to burden them.

    Now if this opinion isnt worth the time I worth to type it, feel free to toss it aside...lol
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Just like there are positive parents and parents who can't parent their way out of a paper bag, ditto for grandparents. Some are harmful. in my opinion her parents seem to be in the latter category. I would hate for them to influence easy child like they have difficult child, and easy child doesn't seem to want a relationship with them. That says a lot, since most kids adore their grandparents.
  10. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Is it bad that I am concerned about the message they are sending easy child with their actions towards difficult child? I don't want to feel that way but honestly I am afraid the easy child will see that difficult child just ran away to them when things got tough. Someday I am going to tick easy child off and she may well think that going to the grands is legitimate way to go since difficult child did it. It is actually really hard for me to let go and want easy child to spend time with them because of the influence factor.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I don't think so. In my family, my grandma constantly let me off the hook whenever my mom tried to discipline me. I was a big difficult child and my mom was very justified in her attempts to control me, but I knew I had an ace in the hole. I knew she would never talk back to or go against her own mother and I was grandma's favorite. If she took the car away from me, as I often deserved, I'd take the car anyway and drive to grandma's house and stay for a week or so and my mom would feel like she couldn't say or do anything because back in the day s he had been brought up to respect her mother no matter what and she wouldn't go against her. It was not a good thing for my mother or for me. I see your mom doing the same thing and I think it sends a terrible message. in my opinion grandparents should respect the parental wishes of their grown children and take themselves out of the equation unless there is true abuse going on. I love my grandmother with all my heart, may God bless her soul, but she made me able to be even more gfgish because I knew my mother's hands were tied. (In case you're wondering why I didn't mention my dad or grandfather, both were present, but both didn't pay any attention to me or any of my siblings). Obviously, both of my siblings were angry that I could do almost anything and get away with it because I could just run off to grandma who would shield me from my mom.

    The two of them ended up constantly fighting with one another in their later years. My mother really resented her for many reasons, this being one. And she took it out on me too.