Feel like running away...

[katt261]

Moved in with my SO a month ago after 2yrs of LDR and I should be on cloud nine if it were not for his 9yr old difficult child. My SO has difficult child and also 17yr old easy child who I get on great with. SO has his kids full time as their bio mum walked out 4yr ago. SO receives carer allowance for being full time carer of difficult child even though difficult child is in mainstream school. difficult child has dyspraxia, earling syndrome, ADD/ADHD, symptoms of Aspies and autism. The problem is, ever since I moved in, difficult child has been verbally abusive to me even in front of SO and constantly gives me sly looks of what I can only describe as pure contempt. SO started out berating difficult child but now tables have turned and he now says I'm the one with the problem and its gotten so bad that SO and myself aren't on speaking terms whilst he happily chats away to difficult child making me feel very, very isolated. My daughter is away at University and as if the pain of her leaving my nest wasn't hard enough, in her place I've got a very manipulative little boy who is hell bent on splitting me and SO up, and succeeding! I relocated to be with SO so I have no family no friends (and no job yet so no funds) to turn to so I'm pretty desperate! Any advice would be appreciated as I now resent difficult child so much its making me ill and miserable when I was such a bubbly happy woman! We live in the UK by the way. Thanks for letting me rant!

 

[DaisyFace]

Hello and welcome!

It's sounds as if you are in a very tough spot right now. Your difficult child is your SO's little boy and unfortunately, the harder you try to "prove" the child is at fault, the more and more your SO will probably be convinced that it is YOU.

I think you are probably correct that the boy is trying to split you two.

So - you need to stop trying to prove things to your SO. It will also help if you find another outlet (other than your SO) to vent your frustration about this child. This board is a great outlet and you are welcome to vent here as much as you need. Many of us do just that.

We also recommend a book called "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It helps you develop new strategies for parenting difficult kids.

 

[BusynMember]

I'm sorry you are going through this, but in my opinion his child needs to come first. If your being there upsets his child that much, and this is a child with so many special needs, then perhaps you should just date him rather than live with him. In the end, most parents end up siding with their children, if the child is young and disabled especially. He can not make his child like you and most likely he is upset that somebody is taking his mother's place (even if you aren't trying to).


If you still want to preserve the relationship, the only thing I can think of is serious family counseling. No guarantees with that, but you can't go on like you are. I'm sure it is horrible for all of you! But, as a parent who was once divorced, no man would have come before my kids. I just can't see this working out in the end. JMO. On the other hand, I really do feel badly that you are there all alone. Is there anyway that you can go back to be with your family and friends if you like?

 

[TerryJ2]

Welcome. So sorry you are going through this.

With a kid like that, it's never going to be perfect. Also, remember that Aspies are not socially adept, so what another child may be able to accomplish in a much more subtle manner, this child may do blatantly.
I'd forget the sly looks. He's trying to get on your nerves and it is working. I would just accept that part as his normal behavior and tell yourself that when he's NOT giving you a sly look, something is up!
He should not be berating you because it is disrespectful. Period. You and your SO have to get on the same page, come up a/w plan, so that you are a team, and you appear as one unit to your stepson-to-be.
Which leads me to the next issue ... do you want to stay? Is this so bad that it's not worth it to you? Having just met you, I don't know what makes you tick and why you thought it would go smoothly, moving in with-a SO whose son has those Dxes. The dynamics here are far different than those in regular families, and most step families already have issues with-o this sort of thing. You've got a lot on your plate.

I agree with-MWM, go to family counseling for a while.

 

[katt261]

Thanks for your valued input. I had another indepth talk with SO last night (in bed where most of our communication seems to take place as it is constantly interrupted by difficult child otherwise) and I explained that I am finding difficult children behaviour very difficult to cope with and could he (SO) at least try to put himself in my shoes. After all, I haven't had 9 years of bonding with difficult child like SO and his easy child K have, so it is understandable that I am going to find it difficult. I have asked that SO tells difficult child not to interrupt whenever we are talking and that I'll take a back seat and blend into the background so that difficult child has all of SO's attention, which is what this is all about, I am sure. I have also asked SO to consider spending quality time with me (as a couple) otherwise this relationship is going to be all about difficult child and wheres the fun in that?!

 

[TerryJ2]

I'm glad you started a dialogue. How did he respond?

 

[katt261]

Hi TerryJ2, his response was quite terse at first, but after I explained that we need time out as a couple otherwise we would be heading down the pan, he was more condusive to the idea of spending time away from difficult child. SO has been offered respite care by the local Barnardos charity in our home town and he has never looked into this so I asked if this is something he could look into, even if difficult child has a few hours away from the family home, we could reconnect as a couple rather than two adults going crazy and constantly locking horns. His reaction to the respite query was one of 'I'm not having difficult child fobbed off on anyone...he'll feel like I am abandoning him!' to which I calmly stated that difficult child would not be abandoned at all, he attends mainstream school and is supervised by professionals, how is a couple of hours with a professionally qualified carer going to make any difference? I get the impression that SO wants to wrap difficult child up in cottom wool constantly but surely it is more beneficial to SO and difficult child's relationship if time apart was supervised by appropriate adults, whereby difficult child then comes to an understanding that SO isn't 'going anywhere' or abandoning him and thereby reducing the manic need of difficult child to have SO's constant attention and creating this tense atmosphere on a daily basis??

 

[DDD]

You have invested one month in this new living arrangement. It's a whole new relationship from an LDR bond. In thirty days you have lost your happy sense of self and feel trapped. I admire efforts to find a new bond and to spend time together as a couple but...I think you do need to rethink this choice. Very often loving women believe they can "make things better" and then discover that they are unable to alter the lifelong dynamics in the family. I wish you the best and encourage you to think of yourself first. Hugs DDD

 

[Malika]

Hello and welcome to a fellow Englishwoman (though I am exiled in France now)
I'm going to speak quite plainly, so do excuse me if this seems over-blunt or inappropriate. I agree with MWM. Your partner is not just being a pain in the neck about this - he is trying to be the best parent he can, and that is something you could admire in him. I appreciate that it is very difficult to live with your partner's son's behaviour, and that you have not done anything to "merit" it but, frankly, it is not just difficult children that react badly to someone replacing their mother/father. Unfortunately your partner comes as a package - he comes with his children and with his special needs child. I think you have to try to widen your heart to accommodate that and start welcoming the child yourself, however hard that is, as a precious part of the life of the man you love - or decide that you can't and move out, perhaps to conduct the relationship at a safer distance.
Just how it seems to me... from the luxury of the outside.... warm wishes.

 

[katt261]

You have invested one month in this new living arrangement. It's a whole new relationship from an LDR bond. In thirty days you have lost your happy sense of self and feel trapped. I admire efforts to find a new bond and to spend time together as a couple but...I think you do need to rethink this choice. Very often loving women believe they can "make things better" and then discover that they are unable to alter the lifelong dynamics in the family. I wish you the best and encourage you to think of yourself first. Hugs DDD

You've hit the nail on the head. I have lost myself. I've got an interview lined up this coming week so hopefully will be working full time again soon. I was never a stay at home mousey boring housewife type of woman, I've always been a career woman, even during the 19 years I brought up my own daughter single handedly. She is away at University and I miss her so much, I'm finding that in her place there's a very dysfunctional family unit around me. Apart from the difficult child, my partner has an older son aged 17 who I get on great with, but I am constantly backing him up as his father critisizes him daily for the slightest thing, this poor lad never gets praise or attention off his father as the focus is purely on difficult child. So its me and the 17r old bonding fine while my partner and his difficult child bond on a separate level. I can't say that I will ever have a special bond with difficult child, his conditions and behaviour leaves me feeling cold and resentful, I have vowed to tolerate quietly in the background and to focus on finding my own happiness outside of the home as my partner is not capable of sharing his attention or affection to anyone other than to difficult child. Its very difficult to pretend at playing happy families when this is clearly not a happy home, even before I moved in! I would leave if I had somewhere to go, but my conscience keeps me staying for the oldest lad, who else is going to support him because he's clearly not getting any from his father? So many issues, my head is mashed.

 

[DaisyFace]

I was never a stay at home mousey boring housewife type of woman, I've always been a career woman, even during the 19 years I brought up my own daughter single handedly. She is away at University and I miss her so much, I'm finding that in her place there's a very dysfunctional family unit around me.

Here's the thing:

I was never a, as you put it, "stay at home mousey boring housewife type of woman" either....until my difficult child's needs eclipsed my ability to be a "career woman". A family with a difficult child *does* have a "dysfunctional family unit" compared to the rest of the neighborhood. Our difficult children are not capable of handling the same kinds of things that other kids their age can handle. Our difficult children need constant supervision, accomodations, and compromises that most parents never thought we'd have to make.

You, as the non-biological parent, have the *choice* whether to accept the realities of living with a difficult child - or moving on. Vowing to "tolerate quiety in the background" a child you view with resentment is probably not very helpful as a day-to-day stategy...but will be especially hard when times get tough and the whole family needs to pull together to support difficult child.

We are happy to offer you advice, help, and support should you decide to accept this child into your life.

But - there is not going to be a lot of advice about how to change the child. It will mostly be how best to change yourself in order to help the difficult child.

 

[BusynMember]

by the way, not stay at home moms are "mousy." I liked staying home. My kids always knew I'd be there and I raised my kids, not some caregiver.

 

[buddy]

Hi. Welcome. I'm sorry this is not turning out as promised. I think the others have offered excellent ideas. I wanted to comment on the behaviors you are seeing and encourage you to not take them so personally. My son would do the same as youre describing and it is how it's always been. He can't keep from interrupting often. It's triggered by hearing any voice ...he has to talk. He does not fully understand other's facial expressions nor does he use them correctly. He does have normal jealous feelings and try to get what he wants like most kids but will usually behave in extremes and will appear to be provoking constantly. So, not saying it's ok but may go way beyond issues regarding you and the family situation and help for that takes place on many different levels!
I think the respite idea is good but I'd visit them in operation and ask how they handle what will appear as disrespectful behavior. There are facilities that don't fully understand and may use isolation or restraint inappropriately and you could end up with a child with more issues than before.
BUT, if it is a good place I for one can tell you that even a few hours here and there ends up reducing overall stress, leaving my son much happier (he loves going with other people now ) and so our time together is improved tremendously! When we have less than three days where he goes with Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) workers (independent living skills ) our weeks have far more issues.
You have lots to think of. by the way, I'm thinking the older one is old enough to stay in your life if you leave. He would not want to be the reason you stayed there miserably. I hope your so and.you can work things out and both boys lives can be enriched and encouraged. But no fault on you if it's too much. No one could know how hard this really is and how differently you have to parent many difficult child kiddos.
And.hope. hope you dont take offense, just because it can touch a little nerve (I'm sure you didn't mean to though ) many of us have chosen or had to make a choice to be career stay at home moms and it, for me, is a far more sophisticated a job, requiring much more skill than my out of home job which required national certification and a master's degree. Nothing mousy about being a stay at home mom for sure. It's a 24/7 job. I understand your point though. It is not what you planned for yourself.