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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 513283"><p>Last night, I was surfing my "bookmarks" while waiting for pc17 to get home. I was reading a sticky post on sober recovery-it was a list of 10 steps. One of them immediately came to mind when I read your post: "The paralysis by analysis"</p><p></p><p>"4) Don't analyze the loved one's drinking or drug use. Don't try to figure it out or look for underlying causes.</p><p>There are no underlying causes. Addiction is a disease. Looking for underlying causes is a waste of time and energy and usually ends up with some type of blame focused on the family or others . This 'paralysis by analysis' is a common manipulation by the disease of addiction which distracts everyone from the important issue of the illness itself."</p><p></p><p>I know how hard it is for you to be far away from and out of touch w your son. I'm struggling with that all the time. Detaching from my son is the most unnatural thing for this mom to do. So, as I detach physically & outwardly-my inner dialogue (and my phone talks w my mom) are still very attached and difficult child centered. And since I can't ask my difficult child the big questions, I ask myself, and I go 'round and round with-answers. And let's face it-there are only 2 questions: </p><p></p><p>1)WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? </p><p>2)WHY WON'T YOU STOP?</p><p>(subset of #2 is how do I get you to stop)</p><p></p><p>In the past 2 months, you were reeling from crisis to crisis w your difficult child. He was in constant text communication. You were putting out his fires and toeing the detachment/tough love line carefully. There was always something you could do (or not do to) to try to influence him towards bottom/help. I admired your strength & the tough choices you made. In fact-at times- I was envious that your son reached out to you. You succeeded! Now he has the tool (rehab) and the distance and his recovery is in his hands.</p><p></p><p>Your post reminded me of that quote from Norma Borland that was my rock in my first months "Every day I wake up desperate to do something, and then I realize there is nothing I can do."</p><p></p><p>You hold my hand and I will hold yours. Let's remind each other that detaching can't just be on the surface. We didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. It is what it is. The "why" doesn't matter.</p><p></p><p>{{{hugs}}}</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 513283"] Last night, I was surfing my "bookmarks" while waiting for pc17 to get home. I was reading a sticky post on sober recovery-it was a list of 10 steps. One of them immediately came to mind when I read your post: "The paralysis by analysis" "4) Don't analyze the loved one's drinking or drug use. Don't try to figure it out or look for underlying causes. There are no underlying causes. Addiction is a disease. Looking for underlying causes is a waste of time and energy and usually ends up with some type of blame focused on the family or others . This 'paralysis by analysis' is a common manipulation by the disease of addiction which distracts everyone from the important issue of the illness itself." I know how hard it is for you to be far away from and out of touch w your son. I'm struggling with that all the time. Detaching from my son is the most unnatural thing for this mom to do. So, as I detach physically & outwardly-my inner dialogue (and my phone talks w my mom) are still very attached and difficult child centered. And since I can't ask my difficult child the big questions, I ask myself, and I go 'round and round with-answers. And let's face it-there are only 2 questions: 1)WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? 2)WHY WON'T YOU STOP? (subset of #2 is how do I get you to stop) In the past 2 months, you were reeling from crisis to crisis w your difficult child. He was in constant text communication. You were putting out his fires and toeing the detachment/tough love line carefully. There was always something you could do (or not do to) to try to influence him towards bottom/help. I admired your strength & the tough choices you made. In fact-at times- I was envious that your son reached out to you. You succeeded! Now he has the tool (rehab) and the distance and his recovery is in his hands. Your post reminded me of that quote from Norma Borland that was my rock in my first months "Every day I wake up desperate to do something, and then I realize there is nothing I can do." You hold my hand and I will hold yours. Let's remind each other that detaching can't just be on the surface. We didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. It is what it is. The "why" doesn't matter. {{{hugs}}} [/QUOTE]
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