Feeling a bit guilty ~ at the same time.....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by timer lady, Aug 29, 2010.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    it was very liberating to answer my son honestly. Some of you may remember wm's last visit to my home....he brought weapons & the situation quickly went ugly (i.e. dangerous).

    I've spoken with wm many times since however my mind isn't totally on his antics or his demands. I've responded very vaguely when asked when I would be over to visit with him....take him out for lunch or what not.

    Yesterday wm said "Mom, I get the impression you think I'm dangerous". I was gobsmacked. wm generally isn't this introspective or aware of our conversations.

    I blurted out very honestly that I think he is dangerous & his anger makes me not want to visit him. There was a moment of silence then he hung up.

    I chose not to call him back. I did call foster mum & told her what I said...her reply was "it's about time wm hears that his anger & choices are scary & dangerous".

    Good, bad or indifferent my son knows that I'm not comfortable in his presence alone. I will not visit him with-o an adult male in the room. He's not liking this ~ it bites to be wm right now.

    What more can be said?
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs, Linda. Hope wm takes what you said to heart and chooses to make some changes.
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I agree with foster Mum on this one. It is something wm needs to hear.

    So, good for you for saying your peace! and at the same time - get the heck outta there while he "processes" this information!

    Maybe, he will come around and be more interested in getting help...?
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sometimes indulging your negative emotions every time you want to has bad results. go figure.

    If wm were six or even 10 it might not have been a good thing to do and might have hurt his development.

    At 15 it is important that he learn that NO ONE has to spend ANY time with him if he is scary and dangerous to be around. Family may love you no matter what, but it does NOT mean that they are required to spend time with you on YOUR timetables or tolerate yout dangerous, scary behavior.

    And if even family won't visit you or have you over then maybe you better start making some major changes.

    You have made sure that wm was given/taught EVERY possible healthy way to interact and to change if he decides he wants to. I think he never really thought that you would choose not to spend time with him no matter what he did. Time for him to figure out the way it really works!!

    in my opinion if my bro had been taught this we would have a very different relationship today.

    What you said to him, and whatever foster mum said to reinforce it, was really a wonderful gift to wm. It will give him a chance to learn that even though family will give you another choice if you opt to make big changes, healthy families won't allow one member to do scary, dangerous things to them.
  5. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    As parents of difficult child's, we ask society for tolerance, education, and understanding of our kids' differences.

    But no one should ever have to tolerate being threatened or abused. That will never be accepted in society.

    Its a cold hard fact of life, and is "do to get" at its most basic form.

    I hope Wm can get this message.
  6. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Linda, I see nothing wrong with what you said. At his age, he needs to realize the consequences to his actions. There is no reason for you to sugarcoat it, he does not sugarcoat his behavior for you, you get it in all its glory. If he were younger, a lot younger, that would be different.

    At the same time, I think it is positive that he picked up on how you were feeling. One of my goals for my difficult child is for him to be aware of his own feelings and how his behaviors can impact those around him.
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with the others. Wm needed to hear this. Gentle hugs to you!
  8. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I don't think you said anything wrong either. All kids but especially ours, need to know that what they do/say/how they act, has an impact and consequences. I think my difficult child was around the same age when I flat out told him in counseling that while I loved him, I didn't much like him. He was shocked and looked at the counselor as if to say "Yell at her! She can't say that!!!" The counselor reinforced what I said. I'm his mom. I HAVE to love him (and I do) but I don't HAVE to like him. His actions determine if I like him and at that point in time....no, I didn't like him.

    Even with his recent monster steps back, Wm has made some progress in the last year or so. Maybe this will be another nudge in the right direction for him.

  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    My first comment on my earlier post was directed at wm's behavior, not your's, Linda.

    My mother worked hard to instill in the entire family that we may do bad things, but people are not "bad", esp kids.

    She worked just as hard to teach us that she will always love us, but she may dislike what we do very very intensely.

    I think it is an interesting distinction that might be a good thing for difficult children to learn.

    You really seem to have a gift for telling the kids the right "home truth" at the right time, Linda. It is one of the things that makes you an exceptional mom.
  10. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Linda, it's good that wm actually seemed to relate your emotional and physical distance with his behavior. Even thought he asked, he knew.

    It might bite to be wm, but it kinda bites to be his mom too.

    You said the right thing.