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Feeling a little melancholy........
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 622201" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Thank you all <u>SO</u> much. You are ALL the greatest!!</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I don't feel that pressure Cedar, I feel sort of "normal." But, perhaps as COM says, things are stirring under the surface, I don't know. Maybe as the date approaches, things will be different. I don't want to be way out THERE now though, being HERE feels right.</p><p></p><p>I talked to SO about all of this before I wrote here the other night. I 'emptied' myself to him and the relief I felt was apparent. Then I sat down and wrote it out to all of you.............. more emptying. By the time I finished writing, I was in that calm, peaceful place. I was thinking of that statement about how feelings have a life span of 90 seconds, the rest is our infusing it all with our habitual patterns, story line, past, future, all of it. I felt okay once all the expression was completed. That feels valuable in that the feelings come up, I honor them, express them and then they dissipate. Of course, they can return, but I can repeat that process until the feelings hold no validity for me anymore. Practice, practice, practice.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes, thanks! OK, so my list of self care is growing daily. I had a massage yesterday after work.............today I have an acupuncture appointment after work. Tonight I'm meeting my 'best' girlfriend for dinner (YAY)............I just bought an iphone and granddaughter is teaching me how to use it, <em>and it's FUN</em>. Next week I have a reflexology appointment with a very special woman whom I've developed a real connection with. More and more things for relaxation and enjoyment. Tomorrow I am buying myself a new Mac laptop.............(I am not a big retail 'therapy person', but I am learning to "treat" myself more lately) SO and I are planning another weekend jaunt soon...............SO has been so tender and kind to me during this time............I am so grateful for his continuing love and support. We continue with our weekly drives/hikes. I've stepped up my diet to an even healthier place, stopped drinking coffee, eliminated gluten, reduced sugar to a tiny minimum, I don't drink alcohol so that isn't there, I began juicing every day and I've lost 12 pounds! I'm probably in the best shape, all around, of my life!</p><p></p><p>All of this self care, support and my own newly developed compassion and love for myself has made a pretty big difference in how I am feeling today. I have continued for many months now to continually increase my focus on myself............as I heal and recover from the enabling stuff, that focus has grown and grown and grown. What I thought was remarkable self care a year ago, was really........so little by comparison. I think that is making a huge difference in my ability to recover quickly from these difficult child assaults. They still occur, but the time I spend in a weird place is quite diminished. That relentless focus that used to be on my daughter is now on me, where it belongs. </p><p></p><p>I haven't heard from my daughter since that last conversation. I imagine she has a lot to think about if her expectation was that she would be staying with us or that I would somehow offer her options. </p><p></p><p>I called the Social Worker from the NAMI offshoot organization who had worked with her and I a year and a half ago and left a message asking if they had an outreach program for incarcerated folks who will be released from jail with no where to go, no money, no job, etc. I looked up shelters in the town she is in, and there are quite a few. The town we live in is very small and doesn't have the resources. But, where she is in jail, that town has a lot. I plan on putting a list of shelters together and sending it to her. We start her car periodically to make sure the battery continues to work, SO put gas in it yesterday since it was so low. These are the things I am willing to do. These are the things that feel right to do. Knowing the distinction (at least for today) between giving which feels good and enabling is very important to me now. </p><p></p><p>As each day goes by, I am feeling more resolved with the way things are. It feels as if I have accepted that this is how it is going to be. I think about how terrific it would be if this episode in her life would spark some initiative to change, but right after I have that thought, I realize that I felt that way many, many times before and nothing changed. For me, hope is mostly gone now and I think that is good for me, healthy for me and keeps me in the present moment. Today, I feel pretty good and that's all I have...........today.</p><p></p><p>Your sunrise meditation is so beautiful Cedar, thank you for sharing that with me. I love your imagery. I love that you clear you mind of thoughts..............I love that you are doing that for yourself each day. We are moving along nicely Cedar, don't you think?</p><p></p><p>In the midst of such chaos, such pain, one can still find peace, find beauty, find joy. That means so much. For those of us here on this site, to be able to do that is miraculous. One can find peace and joy when there is <em>no</em> turmoil, when there are <em>no</em> relationships, when one keeps oneself apart from the human experience, but to find that in the middle of a war zone is indeed, a miracle. I feel quite blessed.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 622201, member: 13542"] Thank you all [U]SO[/U] much. You are ALL the greatest!! I don't feel that pressure Cedar, I feel sort of "normal." But, perhaps as COM says, things are stirring under the surface, I don't know. Maybe as the date approaches, things will be different. I don't want to be way out THERE now though, being HERE feels right. I talked to SO about all of this before I wrote here the other night. I 'emptied' myself to him and the relief I felt was apparent. Then I sat down and wrote it out to all of you.............. more emptying. By the time I finished writing, I was in that calm, peaceful place. I was thinking of that statement about how feelings have a life span of 90 seconds, the rest is our infusing it all with our habitual patterns, story line, past, future, all of it. I felt okay once all the expression was completed. That feels valuable in that the feelings come up, I honor them, express them and then they dissipate. Of course, they can return, but I can repeat that process until the feelings hold no validity for me anymore. Practice, practice, practice. Yes, thanks! OK, so my list of self care is growing daily. I had a massage yesterday after work.............today I have an acupuncture appointment after work. Tonight I'm meeting my 'best' girlfriend for dinner (YAY)............I just bought an iphone and granddaughter is teaching me how to use it, [I]and it's FUN[/I]. Next week I have a reflexology appointment with a very special woman whom I've developed a real connection with. More and more things for relaxation and enjoyment. Tomorrow I am buying myself a new Mac laptop.............(I am not a big retail 'therapy person', but I am learning to "treat" myself more lately) SO and I are planning another weekend jaunt soon...............SO has been so tender and kind to me during this time............I am so grateful for his continuing love and support. We continue with our weekly drives/hikes. I've stepped up my diet to an even healthier place, stopped drinking coffee, eliminated gluten, reduced sugar to a tiny minimum, I don't drink alcohol so that isn't there, I began juicing every day and I've lost 12 pounds! I'm probably in the best shape, all around, of my life! All of this self care, support and my own newly developed compassion and love for myself has made a pretty big difference in how I am feeling today. I have continued for many months now to continually increase my focus on myself............as I heal and recover from the enabling stuff, that focus has grown and grown and grown. What I thought was remarkable self care a year ago, was really........so little by comparison. I think that is making a huge difference in my ability to recover quickly from these difficult child assaults. They still occur, but the time I spend in a weird place is quite diminished. That relentless focus that used to be on my daughter is now on me, where it belongs. I haven't heard from my daughter since that last conversation. I imagine she has a lot to think about if her expectation was that she would be staying with us or that I would somehow offer her options. I called the Social Worker from the NAMI offshoot organization who had worked with her and I a year and a half ago and left a message asking if they had an outreach program for incarcerated folks who will be released from jail with no where to go, no money, no job, etc. I looked up shelters in the town she is in, and there are quite a few. The town we live in is very small and doesn't have the resources. But, where she is in jail, that town has a lot. I plan on putting a list of shelters together and sending it to her. We start her car periodically to make sure the battery continues to work, SO put gas in it yesterday since it was so low. These are the things I am willing to do. These are the things that feel right to do. Knowing the distinction (at least for today) between giving which feels good and enabling is very important to me now. As each day goes by, I am feeling more resolved with the way things are. It feels as if I have accepted that this is how it is going to be. I think about how terrific it would be if this episode in her life would spark some initiative to change, but right after I have that thought, I realize that I felt that way many, many times before and nothing changed. For me, hope is mostly gone now and I think that is good for me, healthy for me and keeps me in the present moment. Today, I feel pretty good and that's all I have...........today. Your sunrise meditation is so beautiful Cedar, thank you for sharing that with me. I love your imagery. I love that you clear you mind of thoughts..............I love that you are doing that for yourself each day. We are moving along nicely Cedar, don't you think? In the midst of such chaos, such pain, one can still find peace, find beauty, find joy. That means so much. For those of us here on this site, to be able to do that is miraculous. One can find peace and joy when there is [I]no[/I] turmoil, when there are [I]no[/I] relationships, when one keeps oneself apart from the human experience, but to find that in the middle of a war zone is indeed, a miracle. I feel quite blessed. [/QUOTE]
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