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Feeling Anxiety over Children
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 696825" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Hi Jodi, I know how you feel. When my son was locked up for two years I had such a sense of relief but then came time for him to be released. </p><p>I can only speak of my personal experience and if I could go back in time and do it over again the only thing I would change is how long I continued to enable him.</p><p></p><p>My son was locked up while we still lived in CO. When son was released I flew to CO to pick him up, brought him back here to the Midwest. We purchased a house for him to live in as there was no way he was going to stay with us. Trust issues you know!</p><p>We bought him clothes, food and a cell phone. We told him our expectations were for him to get a job and start saving his money and eventually we would start charging him some rent. Our plan was to save the rent he paid and give it back to him once he was ready to move on from our help. That never happened. Long story short, he met a girl, they had a baby, they got married, they had another baby, girl figured out that he was no good and they divorced. Over this course of a 4 years we continued to help them out, now we had grandchildren to consider. </p><p>The final straw for me was when he used a car that we had purchased for him to "pay" his landlord for back rent. He was supposed to make payments to us for the car. I had finally had enough and knew that there was nothing more I could do for him. We had given him every opportunity several times over and he preferred the party life and a life of wondering, couch surfing and pandering.</p><p></p><p>I do not regret offering and trying to help him. The biggest benefit for me is I have wonderful grandchildren and their mother is like a daughter to me. I know that I did all I could for him but then again, I had already done all this many years before, before he was locked up for those 2 years.</p><p></p><p>In hindsight I can see that I was desperate to get him to change into what I wanted him to be. You see there is a point in the enabling process that it can become more about what we want than what our children want. I wanted him to change, to become a responsible productive adult. I wanted that, he did not.</p><p></p><p>My son lives a life that I don't agree with but I do finally accept. It's his life, he is a grown man of 34 and he is entitled to live his life the way he sees fit. I don't have to like it but I do have to accept it so that I can move on and live my own life.</p><p></p><p>For me accepting that yes, the very worst could happen to my son and that would be that he dies and I would never know it, accepting this is key to my own survival. You see we can sit and wonder and worry about all kinds of horrible scenario's but it does us no good, in fact it harms us. Letting go of the worry and wondering is not easy but it is key to moving on from the chaos and </p><p>drama that our adult difficult children can create in our lives.</p><p></p><p>You have time to prepare for the day your son is released. I encourage you to not use that time worrying and wondering but instead setting boundaries. Set the boundaries that YOU are comfortable with and that will ensure your safety and mental health.</p><p></p><p>Do I still wish my son would change, of course but only if he wants to make those changes for himself. I also am realistic enough to know that day may never come and I'm okay with that. </p><p></p><p>It does not make us bad or uncaring parents to let our children go. We have raised our children as best we could, they are adults now. They have their own journey they must traverse. If they choose homelessness then so be it. That is their choice.</p><p></p><p>Be good to yourself Jodi. Live YOUR life the way you want. Do things that will bring you joy and happiness. </p><p></p><p>((HUGS)) to you.........................</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 696825, member: 18516"] Hi Jodi, I know how you feel. When my son was locked up for two years I had such a sense of relief but then came time for him to be released. I can only speak of my personal experience and if I could go back in time and do it over again the only thing I would change is how long I continued to enable him. My son was locked up while we still lived in CO. When son was released I flew to CO to pick him up, brought him back here to the Midwest. We purchased a house for him to live in as there was no way he was going to stay with us. Trust issues you know! We bought him clothes, food and a cell phone. We told him our expectations were for him to get a job and start saving his money and eventually we would start charging him some rent. Our plan was to save the rent he paid and give it back to him once he was ready to move on from our help. That never happened. Long story short, he met a girl, they had a baby, they got married, they had another baby, girl figured out that he was no good and they divorced. Over this course of a 4 years we continued to help them out, now we had grandchildren to consider. The final straw for me was when he used a car that we had purchased for him to "pay" his landlord for back rent. He was supposed to make payments to us for the car. I had finally had enough and knew that there was nothing more I could do for him. We had given him every opportunity several times over and he preferred the party life and a life of wondering, couch surfing and pandering. I do not regret offering and trying to help him. The biggest benefit for me is I have wonderful grandchildren and their mother is like a daughter to me. I know that I did all I could for him but then again, I had already done all this many years before, before he was locked up for those 2 years. In hindsight I can see that I was desperate to get him to change into what I wanted him to be. You see there is a point in the enabling process that it can become more about what we want than what our children want. I wanted him to change, to become a responsible productive adult. I wanted that, he did not. My son lives a life that I don't agree with but I do finally accept. It's his life, he is a grown man of 34 and he is entitled to live his life the way he sees fit. I don't have to like it but I do have to accept it so that I can move on and live my own life. For me accepting that yes, the very worst could happen to my son and that would be that he dies and I would never know it, accepting this is key to my own survival. You see we can sit and wonder and worry about all kinds of horrible scenario's but it does us no good, in fact it harms us. Letting go of the worry and wondering is not easy but it is key to moving on from the chaos and drama that our adult difficult children can create in our lives. You have time to prepare for the day your son is released. I encourage you to not use that time worrying and wondering but instead setting boundaries. Set the boundaries that YOU are comfortable with and that will ensure your safety and mental health. Do I still wish my son would change, of course but only if he wants to make those changes for himself. I also am realistic enough to know that day may never come and I'm okay with that. It does not make us bad or uncaring parents to let our children go. We have raised our children as best we could, they are adults now. They have their own journey they must traverse. If they choose homelessness then so be it. That is their choice. Be good to yourself Jodi. Live YOUR life the way you want. Do things that will bring you joy and happiness. ((HUGS)) to you......................... [/QUOTE]
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