Feeling defeated :-(

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lovemyson1, Aug 12, 2015.

  1. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Our suspicions have been confirmed. Our son is using heroin again. His girlfriend caught him last week. At first he denied and then admitted he "slipped up" a few times. We are so so soooooo disappointed. Now he says it kills him that his stupid decisions affect the ones he loves most and it's the last thing he wants to do. He said he knows he's strong enough this time to stay away and agreed to go back to Victory Outreach if he can't. Honestly, I don't believe him. I do believe he's disappointed in himself but I don't think he really wants to stop. He's hanging with his old friends, hasn't been working and continues to lie. His girlfriend enables him and lets him stay with her. Now we are planning to turn his phone off. We were keeping it on so he can get jobs but I don't think we will keep it on since that's how he gets drugs. We feel so stupid for ever taking him out of V.O. giving him a car, a phone.. when will this ever end? I'm so afraid he will go to jail or die. I'm heartbroken, worried, defeated. It's almost one year exactly from when he was first arrested and we found out he was even using heroin. I'm not sure if we should just completely detach or try to keep in touch. My husband doesn't like keeping in touch with him when he's like this because it's so depressing. But I'm not sure what to do. I just texted our son and told him, I'm here 24/7 when he's ready to go back to V.O.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    LMS, you are a good, loving mother and a special woman with a heart of gold. the decision you made to try was done with a mother's heart and I'm not so sure most mothers would not have tried it as well. DO NOT FEEL BAD. Continuing...

    I have no idea why, but I am fascinated by books about crime, certain types of psychological problems, and addiction and I've recently read quite a few about heroin addiction. It is NOT as hopeless as it used to be but it is also not something your son can just decide to quit. The addiction is very strong. You get very "drug sick" I think they call it when you try to quit so it is best not to try it alone.

    I want to tell you about one book I read called "Mom, I Need Your Help." Although I can't remember the author you'll find it on Amazon. It was a great true story about a woman whose two children both did heroin. On top of telling their stories, the book explains how you can actually treat heroin addiction.

    The daughter does very well, although she has a few relapses. But basically she does yearn to quit and her life has been very good and her mother worked closely with her and it helped.

    Now the son. I did not expect him to quit. The story about him sosunded so hopeless...so much like the kids I read about here. I thought, "He won't make it. No way." I was very sad. Remember...this is true. Well, he disappeared on and off and the family, caring people that they were, did not and could not help him anymore. One day he returned with a clean cut girlfriend and he too was clean. Clean. Sober. It took several years and he did it himself. It shocked me as a reader. I do not remember all the specifics as I read so many books,s but this one was so full of hope and joy at the end that I had tears in my eyes.

    I can not recall for sure, but I believe in the epilogue both kids are still clean and doing well.

    LMS, your son CAN make it. No matter how bad it seems, he can make it. He has a bad disease, an illness that makes him crave something that is very bad for him. And at one time, like in my day (the dinosaur ages), we believed heroin addiction was incurable. But that isn't true anymore. The daughter took a particular drug for a while to help her quit (not methadone), then weaned off of it and is still clean. I don't think the son took anything. Again, my memory fails me a bit.

    If you want to get the book just go on Amazon and don't get upset when the boy is doing so poorly. Remember that as bad as he is doing...HE QUIT.

    I know you pray so I will send Christian prayers to you and your son with every bit of my heart. I hope you don't give up and I don't think he has really given up. Relapse is just a part of recovery.

    I have been cheering for your boy for a long time. His story isn't over. He's young and they are working hard on helping those addicted to heroin now as it has become very common again, sadly.

    Please keep the hope and see what he does.

    Hugs to you and your poor hurting heart.
  3. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    If it were me, I hope I would withdraw any support, phone, car insurance anything...and anything in my name, such as car.

    I would try to detach, but keep the lines of communication open, for him call you, if he wants. I would not call him. I would listen only when he calls. I would not offer help or guidance. Let him solve this himself.

    Try to not blame yourself. It does not help. You love him. You acted from love and hope. You are learning.

    Keep posting. Take care.
  4. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Thank you Somewhere, I have read that book and it is very good! Someone on here had recommended it months ago. My son told my husband today that he's taking that same drug the girl from the book did. (don't remember the name). I think he's really trying, but like you said, it's difficult to do alone and especially hanging with his low-life friends from the past! I really appreciate your kind words, prayers and encouragment. I love my son so much and when I think of how much potential he has it truly breaks me in every way. I am an opitmist and I will keep my faith, I will look up. But sadly, I'm also realistic and cautious and that's what scares me most.
    Copabanana, thank you. I need to read that. I need to know I'm doing what's right because I would do anything to help him. Even if "anything" means "nothing".
  5. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    lms1, please don't feel bad. All of us have done too much trying to save our children. It is a learning process. I like the saying, "I did the best I could with what I knew at the time."

    Until your son is willing to break with the drug using friends, he will not get clean. That is what they always tell you to look for in rehab. A complete break with the previous drug using friends is necessary to stay sober.

    I hope this is the time that your son chooses sobriety. All you can do is be there to cheer him on if and when he is serious about recovery.

  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry LMS. You want you sons sobriety more than he does right now. What I want for you is for you to find some joy and peace in living right now. You have spent too long trying to fix everyone else. Be there for him when he finally decides to fix himself. Always love him but don't allow his problems to defeat you.
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  7. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    It is possible for him to do this himself. He must get away from his so called "friends" in order to make that happen. This is the same for any type of addiction. You can't quit smoking while hanging out in the smoking area on breaks. You cant quit drinking while hanging out with friends in the bars. You cant quit criminal behavior while hanging around with criminals. Its that simple. It sounds like your son isn't quite ready to quit but may be getting close. Hopefully the realization that those people cant be his friends if he wants to be sober will come to him someday.

    If he isn't being argumentative, insulting, asking for money, etc... then there is no need to go no contact. Your moral support can make a world of difference if he is actually trying to change his life, just dont offer advice unless its asked for. Let him figure it out. You do need to not only stop the money train, but derail it, then tear up the train and the tracks and repurpose the materials! Your son is a grown man and as such, MUST be allowed to find his own way in life. If he is truly trying, holding down a job, staying clean, staying away from the druggies, then you can consider helping but even then keep it to a minimum. In order for him to truly become an adult he must want to and he wont want to if you are taking care of things for him.
  8. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Thank you jabber I totally agree.
  9. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Last night was real scary! His girlfriend called me and said he didn't return any of her texts or calls for 8 hours. I broke down and thought my worse nightmare has come true. All kinds of horrible scenarios went through my head! Thank God he finally got hold of her and said his phone broke. He was with her last night so I was able to sleep. But how can I live my life with this kind of worry?? It's devastating!! I really thought my precious son was dead last night.
  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi lovemyson.

    This is what we are working on together. To find a way to live well when our children are not. This is what unifies us all and brings us together. We are estranged from or fearful for those children we love most in the world.

    Together we will do this, lovemyson. You are doing it. You are gaining ground. A lot of ground. Facing it. Feeling stronger and more certain of where you are going and what you need to do. This will make your son stronger, too, in time. Your feeling weak and uncertain, did not. Acting from hope and love did not. Only strength and purpose, and faith, will.

    The work you are doing on yourself is vital here. Do not underestimate it. We are with you, lovemyson. Take heart. Keep posting.
  11. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Thank you copabanana. Your words are healing and encouraging.. I hope & pray for all of our hurting hearts. None of us deserve this. Thank you!
  12. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    I'm so sorry LMS. I am truly out of supportive words or advice due to my own situation. All I can do is hope and pray they "get it" and pull thru to the other side of the battle.

    I'm working on my own detachment, but its sooooo hard to not get pulled right back in. We're MOM'S. That's what we do. I will go to the grave loving and wanting for them to be nothing but happy and healthy. Hang in there and take solace in knowing you're not alone.
  13. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    Thank you comatheart. It means so much to me to have your sympathy when you yourself are going through so much with your son. I just smh when I think of these kids doing this to themselves, I really do! And yes being a mom is something that makes us love our kids unconditionally and it's hard to detach. The guilt overcomes us. But truly I'm getting stronger every day. Much love to you and hugs and hope for your son!