feeling desperate

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by youngfool, Apr 1, 2016.

  1. youngfool

    youngfool Member

    Been lurking for 3 days looking at all the similar situations and it's been a real help to me my son is 24 and I have allowed him back into my home and it's causing a huge negative energy in the house almost from day 1 I feel like such a fool i belived him about him changing and following house rules my wife not his mom is on the verge of leaving he will not enteract with us he is hostile in his of walking around and not talking to us he has lied called us names then acts as if what's the big deal I haven't slept in well in weeks my nerves are shot and I feel helpless in my own home I have been enabling him for a long time and I have come to the conclusion having him leave my home is the only way out but I feel like that will only start a new war he is a master manipulator and the push back will be hard to handle this is my first time reaching out to anyone it's so hard to put into words I feel so alone and depressed anyway thanks for listening
  2. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    YF, welcome to the forum, I am so sorry for your troubles.
    We love our kids, when they grow into adults and fail to launch it is a difficult journey for the family.
    This is a starting point for you, YF. It is a hard place to be in, but, our homes should be our sanctuaries, not a war zone. You have reached out in kindness to help your son, and he will not follow rules and makes you prisoners in your own home. This is unacceptable.
    Is your son violent? If you are in danger, please take steps to be safe.
    It would be most helpful to add to your signature so folks will have a better understanding of your situation.
    If you are writing of the emotional difficulties brought on by having your son leave, these are feelings that can be overcome with time.
    It is hard to detach from our beloveds, and enforce boundaries,but...... if they are wreaking havoc in our homes, and causing division between spouses, this is not healthy for anybody, including your son.
    Posting here will help you through this difficult time. Many of us have been right where you are, YF. You and your wife have value, you matter. Nobody, including our own adult children, has the right to take away the peace of our homes.
    Keep posting, more will come along and share.
    I am glad you found us and took the time to reach out, YF. There is so much help and wisdom, sharing and kindness here from these good folks. You have landed in a good place to sort through your situation and try to find the solution that fits for you.
    Know that we have been through similar challenges and we are all at different points along the path.
    You are most welcome here, and you are not alone.
    I am so sorry for your heartache.
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  3. PonyGirl65

    PonyGirl65 Active Member

    Youngfool, thanks for reaching out to us! Sorry you had to find us but glad that you did. It takes a lot of courage to sign in and share your story. We are truly Warriors here, many have been and are in your exact same situation. You are NOT ALONE!!

    More will be along soon to offer support and listen. Again, welcome home!
  4. youngfool

    youngfool Member

  5. youngfool

    youngfool Member

    Thank you for your support I feel like I walked into a family I can't describe the feeling so long I've been trying to find something like this I'm so emotional right now I just can't believe there is such support I will post more about Difficult Child but right now I'm overwhelmed with feelings about my journey thank you everyone
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  6. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    HI and welcome, YF.

    It is hard enough to have an adult child with a mental illness/substance abuse/otherwise failure to thrive situation, and then throw into the mix a blended family situation--makes things really difficult.

    I know how your wife feels, as I came into my current marriage with a young child and a new step-son with a drug addiction, which got worse (behavior-wise) when he started on the dreaded 'spice' or 'synthetic marijuana' or 'K-2' as it is sometimes called.

    Your wife is feeling like her home is no longer a place of peace and joy. This can't go on forever.

    It is very important that you and your wife communicate often about the situation. She is feeling betrayed by the bait-and-switch that your son did, but so are you. Talk to her tonight, go somewhere else if you need privacy, become a united front and decide how to get this young man out of your house. Let her know that you will be there for her.

    One thing that my hubby did for me, that really helped keep our marriage strong through the Difficult Child problems, is that he never allowed his boys to be disrespectful of me. The one time step-son called me an ugly name, I threw down the item I was putting away and was heading out the door with my daughter, when hubby ordered his adult son out before I could get there.

    Can you afford to put your son in a cheap motel for a while, or in some other way get him out of the house? Does he work, or have any money coming in to get a cheap rooming house type room? Any way to ease him out of the house?

    For a while it seemed as if, when we got tired of the shenanigans, his mom would take him in for a while, and visa versa. Then we did the 'pay for a month's rent someplace just to get him out of the house' thing. Anything was better than living with him at the time.

    Just taking control of your life back will be a relief.

    Do you have any minor children in the home?

    Keep posting, YF, and stay with us. It helps.

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  7. UKMummy

    UKMummy Member

    YF , I found this wonderful place in the new year. You WILL find comfort here and wise and wonderful words from these special people. We are all here because we are in pain and struggling with the fallout of our DCs choices. We all understand and care.
    Much love
  8. youngfool

    youngfool Member

  9. youngfool

    youngfool Member

  10. youngfool

    youngfool Member

    Thank you applecori your input is very wise no there are no other children in the home and yes he is working at the time I love your idea I'm going to work on that right away I belive that this will help I'm waiting for his license to get straight so he can drive away from here if not I guess he can take a bus I'm at a place that I know your right this can't go on forever I want my peace and happy wife back I guess you know how Difficult Child can be but just hearing your input has made a difference in a very short time wow I like this I feel empowered thank you for your time and energy it's very appreciated
  11. savior no more

    savior no more Active Member

    I relate to this. My son had been in the home for about four months and it was literally making my 80 year old mother and I sick. My son was spiraling downwards pretty quickly thus he ended up back in jail. It could have been just as easily dead for the things he was doing. It is nice now to have the peace back and not worrying about what will occur. This feeling of unease can be used to gain the strength to set boundaries with him. Sometimes for me anger and being sick and tired helps motivate me to do the right thing. I tend to feel sorry for him when he's away and can't stand to be around him when he's at home. This is the basis for much of my guilt.
    I'm glad you found this place.
  12. savior no more

    savior no more Active Member

    Back in the 1970's my brother was bad into drugs and my mother used to say she would give him $500 to leave but she was afraid he would just come back. Looking back that was a hard time for our family. To add hope, that brother has subsequently sobered up for 20+ years and raised six step children.
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  13. youngfool

    youngfool Member

    I so can relate about when he is away I miss him but when he is around I don't like him my guilt can be overwhelming at times and then when I get angry my movation seems to increase and my resolve is high it's sad to think of you're child as not wanted around you it causes me stress just going into his room I want him out my wife is so wonderful and is on the same page his drug use lies and defiant behavior is just to much he uses manipulation such as our realationship will be cut off if I don't back off or if I throw him out if he becomes a looser it will be my fault I know it's all bs but just hard to believe my son can think that way it sad that to help I have to distance my self any way thanks for listening
  14. rebelson

    rebelson Active Member

    Hi and welcome! I found this site a few months ago while googling 'son anxiety alcoholic' or something like that. My son will be 24 later this year. It's been a long haul with him. He was completely normal as a child, no issues, gifted classes/straight A's, IQ around 125. Problems began in middle school, started with weed.

    Long story short, the middle and high school years got more tumultuous for him, and us. He barely graduated due to truancy and weed stole his motivation, grades went down down down. Started abusing Xanax.

    The drugs have completely hidden my son's 'real' personality. We don't even know what that is anymore. What I do know, is that he exhibits the traits of a drug user. Selfishness, anxiety, manipulation, anger, impulsivity, lack of judgement...I could go on. He has trouble holding jobs, likely due to being high, I'm not sure. He is a very HARD worker when he has a job. BUT, he tends to be chronically late to jobs (striding in to work 20 minutes late, like it's nothing), clashes with co-workers (he has a superiority complex, thinks he knows more than everybody-everyone is 'dumbed down'..compared to him), he also is usually 'high' when he is working and weed tends to make him paranoid, socially. Soooo, he hyper-monitors things ppl say to him and then fixates on it...which then makes him think he has social anxiety. I don't think he has social anxiety per se', I think the 'anxiety' is from the weed. But, who knows? It's like what came 1st, the chicken or the egg? He had NO issues socially when younger, he was the class clown cutie who would get into trouble on occasion for talking too much in class. No social issues until late teens! Hmmm, drug-related? Likely.

    The lovely result that occurs when he does get fired, which inevitably happens when you know, you traipse in to work every day, late...is that he then goes on these 1 or 2 wk long drinking/drug binges. It's his way of coping with the firing. Not healthy.

    He was kicked out of his grammy's house last August and has been sort of floating around since then. Spent some time in hotels, which I helped with, a few nights in his car...couch surfed at friends' homes and finally found a room to rent which is where he's been since late November.

    I could never let him come up here and stay with us. He is quite difficult to be around due to his superiority complex and the various different effects of whatever drug he's currently on or whatever type of alcohol he drinks. Whiskey makes him CRAZY. I, as his mother, get the BRUNT of all his angst.

    This is very hard. I totally get where you are and what you're feeling. We love our Difficult Child's, but we cannot take their behavior. Especially when they are disruptive to peaceful homes. I have 2 younger kids who are delightfully sweet and very obedient. I could never subject them to his random hostility, disrespectful talk, and drunken outbursts. I SO wish it were different. We look at our Difficult Child's and ponder how things could be so different for them. My son, for example, could've been a great lawyer. That is just his personality. It hurts. A lot. But, thinking that way is futile. It is what it is. We have to let them fall down over and over again, or they will NEVER LEARN. This means detaching. Detaching from their drama. The women on here have been SO helpful to me. OMG. In just the few months that I've been reading on here and occasionally posting, I have made great strides in regards to my reactions to son and being able to detach more effectively. I stopped putting random $ in his account when he'd call me and say he 'needed gas or food'. I realized, by looking at his account transactions, that he was then using that $ to make purchases at liquor stores and/or local bars! That hurt, to see that. He was never a thief. I can honestly say that in all the years that he was smoking weed etc, he never ever stole $ from my wallet or took one thing from our home. Now, he's asking me for gas $ and buying etoh with it. :frown: Immediately, I stopped the $ flow. This forum, these women helped me with that.

    The only reason that I gave some details about my son, is because I know that it can help to read others posts and maybe see some familiar signs or things that your Difficult Child does that others Difficult Child's do, too. I know this helps me, atleast.

    What I do do, is pray pray pray for him. Last week, he took a HUGE positive step and I am so praying that he remains strong and sticks with it. But, I don't hold my breath. It's literally one hour at the time with him....

    Maybe you could find a local Al-Anon meeting? Immensely helpful! Hugs to you and your wife. Please put her 1st at this time. Take her out for a nice dinner tonight. :smile: And, keep coming back here.
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    Last edited: Apr 2, 2016
  15. youngfool

    youngfool Member

    Thank you for sharing it does help with every post I feel stronger knowing that others were and are in my shoes it seems so much like a bad dream but I have to be strong nothing good comes easy and I love my wife more than life itself I tell and show her all the time my new saying is I will not give up my marriage or my health for anyone the time for action is near thank for responding I really need the support thank you
  16. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi YF, we are glad you are here. I'm glad you are already feeling better with the feedback you are getting.

    If his presence is negative, there needs to be a change in behavior immediately or a timeline for him to leave. I so understand what it's like to have a drug addicted young adult in your home. It's impossible to live with, and it doesn't stay the same...it only gets worse. When I discovered my son was stealing from me, that was a deal breaker. I threw him out multiple times, and gave him chances to come back, and then nothing would change and I would throw him out again.

    Finally, I got to the point that no matter what he said, he wasn't coming back here. All that, and while I loved him very much and feared for him, I got to a point where I actually cared for myself more than I did him. I call it the 51%/49% rule. I finally got to the point where I was 51% and he was 49%. It took a while.

    When we are dealing with a precious adult child who is lost to drugs or other mental illness and aren't trying to change, we are already under a tremendous amount of stress. Then, to have that in our home all the time is quite frankly, a prescription for disaster. If it's this hard for us, their very parents, what could it be like for their stepparents...who are incredibly tolerant, but nobody should be asked to live in that type of environment in their own home.

    Yes, this is 100 percent accurate.


    I get that, what you said. We love them so much and want so badly for them to have good solid happy lives, but we can't make that happen for them. Finally, I realized that. I wanted it more than he did, and that is backward.

    So..if nothing changes nothing changes...and finally I had to change because it was clear he wasn't going to anytime soon and we were on a merry go round that never went anywhere positive.

    If you get to the point where you're ready to set some boundaries with him, here are a few things to think about:

    1. Go slow.
    2. Keep it simple.
    3. Give him a deadline (for change, for rehab, to move out, whatever it is).
    4. Figure out the consequence of him not meeting the deadline ahead of time. Is it he's out, period? Is it you'll give him $500 and wave goodbye? Is it you'll get a room in a cheap motel for him for a week? Whatever it is, whatever YOU CAN LIVE WITH (that's the key), be sure you can stick to it emotionally and financially and mentally before you say it.

    My son was homeless some 8 or 9 different times (in between jail and second changes with both his dad and myself). Believe me, there are services out there for people who are homeless. Shelters, day centers, meals, clothing, computers to find jobs, bus passes, free bicycles, etc. etc. Sometimes I started thinking there are TOO many services, and that just helps keep people homeless.

    You son is very likely a survivor and is likely very resilient and very smart. Most drug addicts are.

    My son had a grit and a determination (and a stubborn persistence that was self-destructive at times) that was incredible. I say now, some two years after he has begun turning his life around, that he is "proven tough."

    We have to get out of the way to give our precious adult drug-addicted children a chance to change. If we don't, and we keep on providing a safety net, they don't HAVE to change. I came to understand, after a long long time, that by enabling his behavior and lifestyle, I was literally killing him.

    We're here for you. Take what you like in terms of our ideas and advice, and leave the rest behind that doesn't work for you. Every situation is different, and we all respect that.

    Hang in there! This is a journey but there is hope.
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  17. youngfool

    youngfool Member

    Hi all feeling anxiety today just so tired and would like to stop thinking of this whole thing if even for a while how do you all do it I've tried everything nothing seems to work so feel like giving up just so tired I know I sound winney but it's been a long journey and there seems so far to go well thanks for listening
  18. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi YF. You are not whiny, you are uncomfortable and tired of dealing with the situation, you love your son and you are stuck.
    I remember stuck. I didn't want to go home anymore, because my home became a war zone. Just stuck, sick and tired of it, but unable to move. Stuck. It was awful. The more I had to deal with the drama, the less I wanted to, then eventually I had to do something about it.

    I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.

    It takes time to process things and get out of stuck.

    Here is what I think, YF, just the fact that you are here posting tells me that you are looking for solutions. That is movement. Thinking about it is movement. Seeking answers is a way to get unstuck.
    So, you are doing something.

    When everything is closing in on you and you are feeling so anxious and desperate, try to take a step back for awhile.
    Shift your focus on something that relaxes you.
    That's what I do. Take a walk. Do something physical that you enjoy.
    Or go to a quiet spot to clear your mind.

    It is hard to fix a problem, when all you can think about, is the problem.
    When your mind is running you around in circles, you are so anxious, tired and desperate how can anyone make a decision?
    Stop thinking about it.
    When you come back to it, it will still be there.

    Sometimes the mind just needs a break.

    Best advice, ever.
    Go slow, keep it simple.

    Sounds like you are over-thinking, awfullizing, writing the end of the story.

    Take some deep breaths and take a break.......

  19. youngfool

    youngfool Member

    Sounds like good advice so glad to hear from you guys you have me pegged nice ok this is amazing stuff you guys are incredible I never knew this could help so much I can't fix it all in one day other people have been there and survived why not me thanks for listening and responding much much thanks!!!!!!
  20. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Okay. This is something you need to think about if you decide to ask your son to leave in the future. Especially since he is manipulative.

    Sorry, I know I told you to stop over thinking, but you need to consider this and find out about it.

    Some States require a legal eviction to remove adult children who refuse to leave the home........I don't want you to fret on this, just find out about it during the week so that you have your ducks in a row if you decide to have him leave.
    The way you write about him does not sound like he would leave nicely, so, just a bit of ammo for you if it is needed in your area.......

    Now please go out and do something refreshing for you. You need to build yourself up and turn the focus on you.
    You have value and you matter.