feeling desperate

[PonyGirl65]

Absolutely what Leafy said! Go do something nice for yourself! Even if it's just a candy bar and your favorite song during a short car ride. SOMETHING just for you! YOU MATTER!! (Oh, and bring a candy bar for your wife, too) But seriously, give yourself a break. And then, line up the ducks and get on with the journey. You can do this. It will be hard and you will have setbacks. That's perfectly normal and doesn't mean you're a failure. It's a process. One step at a time, and do the next right thing.

Peace to you, my brother.

 

[savior no more]

call it the 51%/49% rule. I finally got to the point where I was 51% and he was 49%. It took a while.

Love this - I'm still about 50 50.

We have to get out of the way to give our precious adult drug-addicted children a chance to change. If we don't, and we keep on providing a safety net, they don't HAVE to change.

I'm slowly beginning to see that this is true.

 

[Copabanana]

my wife not his mom is on the verge of leaving

I haven't slept in well in weeks my nerves are shot and I feel helpless in my own home

I kicked my son out when he was 23. I cannot imagine why I waited so long except that I felt it was my parental duty to launch him (i.e. college, job, etc.). NO!!!!!

Boy, was I wrong.

My son got himself on SSI. He was hospitalized various times. He went into residential treatment. He was homeless. He came back and forth to our home and I kicked him out after a couple of days, a week at most. I could not stand it. He would call the police on us to put us in jail. He physically tackled my significant other and gave him a black eye. I was sick all the time when he was here, popping antacids like candy. I went around all day feeling as if I was dying. *I think I was.

I changed. I made it crystal clear I would not tolerate ANYTHING. I did not call him. If he called me, I maintained strict control of the topics. Or I said goodbye.

He changed. *I think he did. I am still very, very cautious. I think he got it that I was outta there if he was abusive. A whole lot of it was he hated living on the street. He hated it. (He had to live it to realize that it might be worth it to treat us a little bit better, worth it to try to conform a bit.) I also believe there is a maturation that happens around 27 or so.

He is now 27. He has been here for almost 2 months. In my house. He is working near every day with us to remodel a house we bought for him to live in. He just enrolled in 3 online courses. Every week I am a bit more confident. A bit.

What I am trying to say here is do not take abuse. You hurt your child if you allow him to mistreat you and to dominate your home. Stop it. You are not obligated to take care of somebody who is victimizing you. He is an adult.

I learned to not enable my perpetrator.

The world will teach our children to change. That is what needs to happen. Your child needs to experience the consequences of bad behavior. That is what I think.

Take care. Keep posting. It helps.

 

[youngfool]

Copabanana your story is to say the least inspiring I admire your fortaude courage I hope I can follow in your foot steps I can relate the part about being ill when around Difficult Child I am thinking that these last few weeks have seen some change I have stopped reacting to the drama have walked away from it it's been a long time since I've done that up until lately I've tried to reason or react anger with anger and finally I've realized that it was a never ending circle that I was playing into the drama allowed it to happen since then I've noticed a change small but there my wife also has noticed I'm not saying things in anger that I can't follow thru on right now I belive I've started my journey I can't change him only me the people in this forum are inspiring the advice awesome and not being judged is a true blessing so many people just can't understand and wonder why we do what we do unless tour in our shoes it's hard to watch from the outside the answer is so obvious when it's not your child so anyway again thanks for your time and energy it's very appcaited

 

[Copabanana]

I admire your fortaude courage

youngfool. While I would like to think of myself as courageous, and thank you for thinking of me this way, courage had nothing to do with it.

There is nothing we need to have or know or feel to stop this. It is only to say, no.

I come from a culture where my wishes were to have my adult child with me until he married and thereafter close. Actually, we even moved to a foreign nation where the culture encouraged more family closeness among adult children. To throw my son out, especially because he has a chronic illness which requires treatment was completely against everything I thought I would ever do, or ever want to do. This was hard. But still, not having one thing to do with courage on my part.

There is a reality that must be faced. The reality is what our children are showing with every fiber of their being. They do not want to mistreat us. My son did not want this. They need to be shown that they cannot do this. No differently than if they are 2 years old or 3. I remember when I used to restrain my son with my own body by standing there so he could not pass. I knew I had to do this to keep him safe. That it was my job to do this. The idea of courage had nothing to do with it. I had to do it.

There is this recognition that comes to us now that they are adults. That we are responsible, still, to do whatever we can, which is in our power to set a boundary. No. That is the only boundary we have left. The only way we can have any effect on them. We cannot tell them what to do, not anymore. We can only tell them what we will not tolerate.

We cannot tolerate it because we are worth protecting. We cannot tolerate it because they are worth standing up for. We do that when we say: This is what I want for me and my spouse. A safe and tranquil home. This is what I will not tolerate: (You spell it out, and you enforce it.)

Be gentle with yourself.

 

[Lil]

YF, I'm so sorry you have to be here. At times I think there is nothing as terrible as being one of us.

As you can see from my signature, we put ours out at 19. He seemed SO young and still does. But the lying and the laziness and the drugs and the mood swings and tantrum and disrespect and finally, last straw, the stealing - while we were supporting him and giving him money! It had to be done.

It's hard. So very, very hard, to see them go downhill. Ours has been homeless on and off now, since we put him out. It hurts US as much as them. I would feel like, "I made my son homeless." But I didn't. He had chances...many many chances. As has yours.

There comes a time when you have to boot them out of the nest for their own good. Be strong and kind to yourself and your wife. This stuff is very hard.

 

[Copabanana]

There comes a time when you have to boot them out of the nest for their own good

And yours.

 

[youngfool]

Update yesterday Difficult Child informed me his girlfriend broke up with him she was overseas and their relationship was Skype don't know how he hoodwinked her for so long but she finally saw thru him he was planning on her sending money she had been enabling him for a long time sending money doing things for him putting up with his rants so I ask about his license status and he informed me that he is taking care of it I have been waiting for that so I can transfer a car into his name I know it sounds like I'm enabling him but that car is more for me and my wife's sanity anyway he sees the writing on the wall that he has one foot out the door so while I was at work he spoke to my wife about how sorry he was that we can all live together blah blah more manipulation like I said he's good but I'm not going for it when I got home I informed him that the 15 of mouth was last day he was not happy he started to try and engage me into the usual back and forth I inf him that I have changed and disrespect I was no longer going to accept in my home or life this was not a negoation he can leave walking taking a bus a ride but leaving he was I told I have changed to that he said you look and sound the same so I said really ok conversation is over walked back inside and Camly started to do my stuff no more talking a few minutes later he quietly went to his room and no drama as usually happens I am going to stick to my time line it's been said if I back out now all I have gained will be lost he will have a car and a job and he's 24 he will survive I know he will not talk to me for a long time maybe never but for my sanity marriage health this has to happen I'm so anxious and hope this all works out in the long run I know that if things stay the same he will never change I'm prepared for the long haul instead of a short term fix that will revert to same ole stuff you have all been an inspiration to me please keep me in mind it's going to be a long 8 days anyway here we go thanks for your support and advice

 

[RN0441]

Youngfool - good for you. You can do this. He is 24. Good grief.

 

[Copabanana]

he will have a car and a job and he's 24 he will survive

It is time, yf. He needs to do this and so do you.

I know he will not talk to me for a long time maybe never

You do not know this, and I doubt it very much. He has been needing to leave for a long while. He knows. That is why he did not erupt when he went to his room.

He needs his own power base which will be his standing on his own two feet with the ability to see that he is doing it. As long as he is under your roof, he cannot fully acknowledge his successes to himself.

I am thinking here of the tribal customs where fathers and sons have a ritualized battle. I cannot think of the specifics but it is an age-old rite where sons must leave, even in the animal kingdom I think adolescent lions are through out to begin their own tribe.

 

[PonyGirl65]

I've been thinking about you YF, thanks for the update. April 15 is a good date to set! I'm glad you've given your son the news, and very proud of you for not engaging in any drama. Nice work!

 

[AppleCori]

Yeah!

Well, it seems you have started to take back control of your life and your home from your son.

It feels good, doesn't it?

How is your wife doing?

 

[youngfool]

Yes amazing I feel the best I have in months I'm anxious but yet I feel relived now I know what every one is talking about wife is doing great she's is on board and understanding the situation that's why I married her she is great thanks for your response as I'm sure you know this is very helpful and makes me feel like part of a special group of people strange never thought that would be helpful yet it's very powerful better than any book or theripest I keep you guys informed and keep reading other post again THANKS

 

[youngfool]

So an update I reminded my son that Friday was move out day he told me that he found a place but it would not be available till 1st of month I let him know that Friday was the day of course I got the where will I go I have no where it's only two more weeks so on so on please let me stay the hardest thing I had to do was say no I can't believe him because of past lies and I'm trying to follow thru with what I say trying to act with my head not my heart hope I'm doing the right thing but at some point I believe I have to do what right not what feels good I've done that for so long and it has not worked but I still feel lousy but not going to show it to him I'm standing my ground Friday your out

 

[New Leaf]

YF, it is the hardest thing, but you are right. Stick to your word. That is as much for him, as it is for you. It may not feel so good, but you are establishing boundaries and declaring your right to be treated decently and with respect.
Love says no.
That's all there is to it.
Your son will find his way, because he has to.
At home, he doesn't have to.
Stay with us brother, and let us know how you are doing.
((( hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Albatross]

YF, I know it is hard. It is new ground we are digging, rather than being carried along in the same old trenches that led to where we are now. You gave him enough notice, I think, and I suspect he will be able to find somewhere to stay. Our difficult children are very resourceful. Good for you for keeping your word!

 

[AppleCori]

Hey, YF

So, tomorrow's the day he has to go?

I'm glad you have stuck to your guns, and I bet your wife is, as well.

Strangely, it was me who was more likely to change my mind and allow my step-son to stay, not his dad. His pleas would just break me down, though it was so difficult when he was here. I am glad his dad stood by his word, when I was ready to break.

Stay strong and let us know how it goes tomorrow!

Apple

 

[PonyGirl65]

Thinking of you today!

 

[youngfool]

An update as apple said step mom was breaking down and was asking for him to please stay till end of month so was his mom today he hurt his foot at work all those things together was making me waver but on my way home I decided that this had to be done if I backed out now I would loose all chance in the future for a quick fix he has been acting ok at home but only because he knew he had one foot out the door boy did I get the whole nine yards from him every guilt trip known to man kind I had to pack his stuff for him as he thought that arguing would change my mind he did not go easy but I stood my ground got him outside then we started to have a tussle at the front door I had to get a little physical but I got in and locked the door he finally went to his car put all the stuff I piled on the side walk in his car and drove away dam that was hard to do I wanted so bad to belive all the things he was saying but deep down I knew this had to happen don't know what comes next but I'm sure it's not over but it's been a long time since I've been able to come home and not worry about what I was going to find. I feel great and lousy if that's possible I want to thank all of you who responded to my post please know that you have been a huge help to me please feel good that you helped someone to help themselves I know I'm ranting but my mind is racing right now so any input about how you guys felt after and how long before you started to feel ok with it

 

[Copabanana]

any input about how you guys felt after and how long before you started to feel ok

YF, good for you. I believe you did the right thing for your son let alone for the family.

It was like this for me, too. I had reached my limit. I could not back down. I had backed up so much there was no further back to go without stepping on myself, indeed, stomping. My son beat on the windows all night. It was horrible. I still did not relent. That was 4 and a half years ago.

I felt better as soon as he left my house to go to a shelter. Distance helps. Actually, it got better quickly.

It took over 4 years for me to be able to tolerate him in my home because it took that long for him to change. During those 4 years I suffered but it was more like a deep freeze kind of suffering, not the white hot guilt and fear of the beginning.

Your son has a job and a car. My son had neither. And my son had a brain injury and a mental illness diagnosis (Wow, do I feel guilty even writing this. But it was the right thing to do, to kick him out.). Still he went right from my house to a friend of mine's hotel in an elegant coastal city where he stayed for free for 2 years!! That did not help.

They make their way and their own life. That is the point!! Why do we have guilt when it is time for them to stand on their feet? When you figure this out let me know.