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feeling disappointed
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<blockquote data-quote="meowbunny" data-source="post: 148610" data-attributes="member: 3626"><p>I understand your feelings but I hope you can find a slightly different perspective. As you said, she sounded "normal." That's hard to fake, especially to moms. So, while she may be with boyfriend, she may also be growing up. For our kids, baby steps even in adulthood is frequently the best they can do.</p><p> </p><p>For my daughter, I've learned to compartmentalize. If it's a topic I know she will lie about, it goes into my junk basket. I don't listen. She gets the "I'm sorry to hear that," "I hope you can find a solution," etc. This way, I can still talk to her about the good stuff, have a decent relationship and not feel so used.</p><p> </p><p>As to the money issues, I made the policy to myself that if I give her money, it is because I want to, not because she needs it. Quite brutally, her needs are not a factor to me. If they were, I'd be bankrupt four times over. I give her money for her birthday, gifts at Christmas. I visit her at work and leave hefty tips (usually at least the price of the meal) if she gives me good service, the standard if okay, nothing if bad. When she was homeless, I offered to pick her up. I did not offer to give her funds. If she becomes homeless on this move, she will be on her own. I'm not paying for bad choices any longer.</p><p> </p><p>This attitude has kept me from seriously feeling used by her. It took a long time to get to this but it is working well. The plus is I can talk her both on a superficial level and seriously. It does strengthen our relationship (or will if she ever calls again lol). It worked well while she was living here.</p><p> </p><p>Don't kick yourself too hard for believing her. You wanted it to be true. We all want the things we know are bad for our kids to be gone. Something tells me she won't be able to go this route again and boyfriend will have to step up. </p><p> </p><p>If she does truly become homeless or claims she is, ask her for the name of the shelter she's at and call them and find out if she's alone or with him. Then you can make a decision based on the facts.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="meowbunny, post: 148610, member: 3626"] I understand your feelings but I hope you can find a slightly different perspective. As you said, she sounded "normal." That's hard to fake, especially to moms. So, while she may be with boyfriend, she may also be growing up. For our kids, baby steps even in adulthood is frequently the best they can do. For my daughter, I've learned to compartmentalize. If it's a topic I know she will lie about, it goes into my junk basket. I don't listen. She gets the "I'm sorry to hear that," "I hope you can find a solution," etc. This way, I can still talk to her about the good stuff, have a decent relationship and not feel so used. As to the money issues, I made the policy to myself that if I give her money, it is because I want to, not because she needs it. Quite brutally, her needs are not a factor to me. If they were, I'd be bankrupt four times over. I give her money for her birthday, gifts at Christmas. I visit her at work and leave hefty tips (usually at least the price of the meal) if she gives me good service, the standard if okay, nothing if bad. When she was homeless, I offered to pick her up. I did not offer to give her funds. If she becomes homeless on this move, she will be on her own. I'm not paying for bad choices any longer. This attitude has kept me from seriously feeling used by her. It took a long time to get to this but it is working well. The plus is I can talk her both on a superficial level and seriously. It does strengthen our relationship (or will if she ever calls again lol). It worked well while she was living here. Don't kick yourself too hard for believing her. You wanted it to be true. We all want the things we know are bad for our kids to be gone. Something tells me she won't be able to go this route again and boyfriend will have to step up. If she does truly become homeless or claims she is, ask her for the name of the shelter she's at and call them and find out if she's alone or with him. Then you can make a decision based on the facts. [/QUOTE]
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