Feeling disheartened re daughter :-(

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Gone, Nov 23, 2014.

  1. Gone

    Gone Guest

    We used to be close when she was well :dissapointed2:

    Our relationship disintegrated alongside her alcohol dependency

    My Grandson is stuck in the middle of this

    In foster care

    Am heart broken but difficult child does not understand my heart break at all and gets annoyed if I mention any sort of feeling , saying I am being negative and getting her down as it seems she does not want to deal with reality , just ''everything is going to be alright soon'' as she plans to remove her son from foster care as it is a 'voluntary' placement but he is a looked after child by social services currently

    I don't know what is going to happen , all I know is there is friction , hostility , resentment and mistrust between my difficult child and me and YET if she removes him from foster care and it is even ALLOWED I will need to be closely involved with her and watch her like a hawk , all the while with friction and hostility between us!

    Not sure how to do it , detach and yet WATCH her in case she drinks again while my GS is in her care

    Have to find some way in all this as detachment helps but I feel I have a duty to watch her as closely as possible for my GS's sake which means some sort of involvement even though uncomfortable for BOTH of us

    Just wish there was a magic wand and she was well again with everything back to normal but that is not going to happen in an instant and am on a journey I HATE but just have to deal with my own stuff along the way and calmly ensure my GS is safe at all times!
  2. Gone

    Gone Guest

    I think expecting her to behave as a well person just because she says she has stopped drinking is unrealistic of me , she is still unwell and may be for a very long time and I have to deal with the implications of that regarding my GS and possible neglect which is the hard stuff!
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hmmmmm. I'm half watching the football game, but saw this. Just very quickly, how old is she and how is she unwell and why shouldn't she act like a well person? Many addicts get clean and then behave in a decent manner. My daughter used meth and was crazy on the meth, but she has been normal and is treated normally now for over ten years. You most certainly should, in my opinion, expect her to act responsibly and with respect and like a good mother. I have a mood disorder and it is my responsibility to take my medications and go to therapy and act like a responsible person.

    If you feel she is unsafe to your grandson, if it were me, I'd do something about that.

    Welcome to the board...sorry you have to be here though! Others will be alone soon. Trust me, since I went through this with my daughter, I understand your pain.
  4. Gone

    Gone Guest

    1/ Keep myself / get myself / ensure that I am well

    2/ Ensure my GS is well

    3/ Leave my difficult child to it!!!

    All the above is easier said than done though as there is a CHILD who I love dearly in the middle of this and he has special needs and little or no speech so is venerable and needs calmness , peace and consistency in his life not upset and chaos so am going to keep calm and work for his good x

    The 'emotional stuff' re my difficult child and my GS and his future has / is the DIFFICULT stuff though! :angry-very2::angry-very2:
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    There are others here with grandchildren too.

    How did your daughter get custody back?

    Are you able to take custody of your grandson? We have one mom here who just did it. PatriotsMom, you around? This lady needs YOU!
  6. Gone

    Gone Guest

    Hi MidwestMom , how soon after stopping drinking does an alcoholic behave / think and function well?

    She is 29 , dry for about 3 weeks as far as we know , still smoking weed though , more heavily than before since giving up the drink

    She is presenting herself as well and back to normal but her reactions are defensive and insulting and 'gruff'
  7. Gone

    Gone Guest

    I tried and tried and tried to get my GS but even though they say I have not been 'completely ruled out' as I have been the most consistent person in his life they have / had concern about me having 3 bereavements this year including my baby GD at 37 weeks into my older daughters pregnancy , seemed they had already made up their minds though , he was going into foster care full stop , nomatter WHAT I did or said , so not much I can do about that apart from keep being consistent and keep putting the safeguarding of my GS FIRST! x

    She did not lose custody , he was taken under a section 20 in the UK so she still has parental responsibility at present , the 'risk' factor at the moment is it being so early into her recovery and ensuring he is safe from neglect etc at all times if she is allowed to take him which she plans to do soon and my anxiety is because however happy I am to have him 'back in the family' there is a worry hanging over my head at all times as it is early days and recovery isn't instant as I assume? x
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If it were me, I'd contact a lawyer to see if I could do anything about getting custody. That is, only if I felt able to actually be a parent to my grandchild until he turns eighteen. You are not wrong if you don't want to do it, but just pointing out a possible option you may not have tried.

    I would also have no problem calling CPS on my grown kid using drugs if I felt she was endangering a grandchild of mine. Three weeks can not be considered being in recovery yet, especially since she is still smoking weed and frankly you don't know if she did anything else. I know I thought my daughter was just smoking pot and she was doing a lot more than that. I didn't find out the extent of it until she actually did quit. It dangerous to drink/smoke weed and drive. If she is doing this with grandson in car, I would definitely do something to get the child out of her custody. But this is me, and you're you and we are all different. You have to do what you feel is right for all of you and your family.

    Good luck.
  9. Gone

    Gone Guest

    Thanks MidwestMom - I would not allow anything to go on which would endanger my GS let alone cause him distress or harm , have no problem calling the police on my daughter , already have for drink driving and informed social services , a great barrage of abuse from her after that! lol

    My GS was not in the car but the public were going about their day / evening!!

    Have 'shopped' her to SS about her drinking etc as well and have no qualms about telling them about her weed smoking anything which potentially affects my GS

    Am fully prepared to have him for life but SS seem reluctant at present , but am working with them best I can and will be detective , alcohol police etc for my GS's sake as he needs and deserves peace and happiness in his life which his Mum can only do if or when she is WELL!

    Am going to collate a list of any 'known incidences' with dates etc and keep SS updated on all matters regarding my GS's care and will be around to do my bit 100% if needed x
  10. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That is crazy that they don't think your gs is better off with family. I'm sorry for your losses but you certainly sound grounded to me and love your gs very much.

    One thing I want to mention us that three weeks is a very short time to be sober. And even when someone is sober for a long time they are often a dry drunk. Their thinking doesn't change until they are in recovery for a very long time. Is she in a recovery program?
  11. Gone

    Gone Guest

    Hi Nancy , that is EXACTLY what I am realising , only a few weeks in and behaviour is that of a 'dry drunk' not the 'magic wand I have stopped drinking now so everything is OK and back to normal' stuff I get her saying to me and to the family

    ''Stop being negative , stop worrying , everything is fine'' is NOT enough for me to relax and know my GS is going to be FINE in her care

    She attends AA twice a week and SMART recovery and she has a friend there who also has a son in care so they do pretty much support each other and seems they are both not drinking in order to get their children back

    ''Their thinking doesn't change until they are in recovery for a very long time''

    This is what I have to be prepared for , she is still having a go at me for little things or if I mention anything about how she is feeling or any concerns

    Our relationship is far from ''repaired'' just because she has stopped drinking for a few weeks which am personally not even CERTAIN is the case but it does 'seem to be'

    She was tired and a bit 'off' and distant the last time I saw her whereas the past 2 weeks she has been pretty on point , but I think the cannabis smoking is getting to her now as she said she was tired but I could tell it was more than that and her mood was low but she won't disclose anything or talk about what is bothering her or getting to her , everything is fine in her book....

    In my book it says ''things are far from fine , as yet!'' LOL
  12. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Recovery is a very long process. We were told that the drugs/alcohol weren't really completely out of our difficult child's system for 4 weeks. Then the treatment/recovery really begins. We were also told that a benchmark of one year sober is the point when most people go into a lasting recovery. So your daughter is not even on the road yet. Especially if she is smoking pot. She is still dependent on a mood altering substance.

    There is also something known as a dry drunk. Even though they are sober, they still display the character traits of someone with a substance abuse problem. Any emotional issues are not suddenly going to be cured because they are sober.

    However, until they are sober, they really can't work on the mental health issues. It is a giant catch-22.

    I am sorry that you are dealing with this but glad that you found us when you needed to.

  13. Gone

    Gone Guest

    Thank you Kathy , it is good for me to be armed with the facts

    Then I have to work on my own emotional stuff around my difficult child's problems especially as it is tied in with the safety of my GS and working with social services

    It is difficult to know what to do sometimes but all I can do is be honest and presice with my concerns - I cannot pretend they have gone away when they haven't , cannot pretend things are fine when they are NOT as yet and cannot pretent mine and my difficult child's relationship is fine when it isn't and there is some real friction going on at present which is actually difficult for both of us as it is very real but until we are truly on the same page and my difficult child is more open and honest about things there is going to be a rift it seems , she blames me for everything , she feels I side with the social workers which I DO for my GS's protection and so I am the enemy right now even though I am doing it for her own benefit and the benefit of the whole family the most important person being little 7 year old child , the most innocent victim in this and it is my duty to keep him safe if my difficult child can't ''see'' the harm she is doing as she feels her lifestyle is harmless as it ''helps her'' to be around others and not at home but I am hoping when she finally gets the real help she needs she will settle down and be at home again in a stable place like she used to be
  14. Gone

    Gone Guest

    It is sad because I can just about remember the times when she was well and at home , cooking a lovely home cooked meal for her son and us , happily doing the housework , getting little mans clothes ready for school , thinking clearly , rationally and logically , happier and calmer than now , everything in place , nice routine with the odd day out bowling or to a nice park or farm , everybody happy and at peace...

    And then the CHAOS began , not that there weren't TIMES of chaos before , with some of the friends she had and other times of partying it up at home with her 'mates' etc but when more happy and content she is happy to be at home with little man doing all the simple but incredibly joyful things whereas when the CHAOS starts SHE is unhappier as it starts from her unhappy place and the need to be around others all the time which I understand and have been there myself before after a bereavement ( I didn't want to be alone and face the feelings ) but it does not do us any good to 'escape' the reality of painful and difficult times and emotions , we have to go THROUGH it and it is sometimes HARD WORK which is the bit she seems not so willing to do right now and is trying the 'easiest way possible' but there IS no easy way and I hope she has the courage and support to face her ''stuff'' ASAP for little ones sake too so it can all settle down to a place of contentment for ALL of us as I cannot say I am not affected by it if I am around it or even if I am not
  15. Gone

    Gone Guest

    My GS has Autism and gets distressed easily , particularly by noise and any loud or chaotic enviroment which is not GOOD for his well being

    She does not see the harm it does to him to be in an ''unpeaceful'' enviroment as she thinks he can just ''take it all'' , she thinks I MYSELF can ''take it all'' when I CAN'T , it AFFECTS me , it AFFECTS my GS but she is BLIND to it it seems and blames me for getting 'over concerned' when it is simply REAL concern which I can SEE but she cannot , maybe it is easier to see from the outside looking in , her friends and some family members simply 'join in with her' and I even USED to join in with it at times because that was her LIFESTYLE but I am NOT comfortable with it any more and NEVER WAS to be honest so it is GOOD the sh*t has hit the fan for all of us as sometimes we don't even REALISE when a child needs safeguearding and what 'situations' can cause him harm , even simple things like 'having friends over' can DISTRESS him and I used to take him in the other room and CLOSE the door and watch DVD's with him while cuddled up in bed together as I WANTED TO ESCAPE the chaos TOO!!!

    I really hope her LIFESTYLE changes which will come from a place of peace within her
  16. Gone

    Gone Guest

    And ''seeing it'' for herself

    There are situations which while we are in it we don't see it , it is perfectly normal to us and those around us so it is simply normal and we don't SEE or focus on the harm it does , that just goes with the territory and we are at it again even if we have made mistakes or eg lost some property as an outcome we carry on

    This is like a slap in the face for me too and it has caused me to look at my own life and past bad habits and lifestyle etc and see what HARM it did me and possibly others around me too :-( :-( x
  17. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Sobriety or "being clean" means clean from Everything, if she is just off the alcohol but doing other drugs, even pot, she is no where near true sobriety. I am glad to hear you are keeping track and writing down everything your daughter is doing. wishing you well on getting help for your dear gs.
  18. Gone

    Gone Guest

    In the UK if my difficult child gets in her car with my GS after smoking a spliff will the police take it SERIOUSLY if I call them with her license plate???
  19. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

  20. Gone

    Gone Guest

    Thanks 2much2recover - I had a look at the new laws yesterday , just wondered if in reality they actually DO something about it and take it seriously

    It causes SO much friction to the point of my difficult child could throw me out of her flat and thus leave my GS unprotected , so if I had to shop her to the police I would want them and SS to take it seriously to the point if she did put my GS at risk by driving under the influence of cannabis and THEN throw me out of her flat for doing so that they would take some sort of action rather than just leave her there on her own with him :-(

    I know there are a lot of ''what if's'' but want to be as prepared as I CAN be with some sort of safety measures in place , so I had a word with my difficult child about it and she said she won't drive after a spliff with my GS in the car or around him and she is going to give up one thing at a time etc , but I do want safety measures for my GS in place , as for policing my difficult child it is a ruddy strain looking after a grown ADULT AS WELL as my GS , so all my energy will go on concentrating on safeguarding HIM I reckon