Feeling down.....

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by ColleenB, Mar 31, 2016.

  1. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I'm feeling really sad, and I know depression is a part of it, but I'm also just really sad about how things have turned out with my son.

    When I came home from a very stressful day at work, the house was a mess and he was watching tv. He seemed so despondent and sad himself. I told him it upset me to come home to dirty dishes... Etc... So he did some dishes, then went downstairs and went to sleep.

    I am finding the nights so hard. I feel so sad and just want to stay in bed forever some days...

    I know I need to do some self care like walking ( and I did once this week) but I'm so tired all the time.

    I am just wishing time away.... I don't even know what I want anymore except relief from this pain and sadness.....
     
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    It's so hard to deal with our own issues AND with our kids' issues... especially when they overlap.

    Yes, self-care is vital. But it isn't just any one thing, like walking. I find it pays to have a "menu" of helpful things. I might not feel like walking - too windy, or pouring rain, or icy underfoot. But I might feel like a nice bubble-bath soak. Retail therapy if I can afford it (I go with cash only, so I don't overspend). A small box of high-quality chocolates. A drive in the country side. Your list will be different. But start developing some options, so you have things to choose from.

    I haven't found very many occasions when I didn't feel like a nice bath, a cuppa tea, and a nice chocolate.
     
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  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It wouldnt hurt to see a psychiatrist for yourself. You could have slipped into a clinical depression of your own. If nothing brings you joy anymore, please be kind to yourself and get help for you. You cant force your son to takevcare of whatever his problemsvare, but you can take care of your own issues.

    Im so sorry you are hurting.
     
  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Colleen this is oh so hard. I am sorry that you are feeling so sad.
    When our kids are at home and things just aren't quite right, it is exhausting, mind, body and spirit.
    Take the time you need to feel what you feel. Let it out. If it persists, please see someone.
    Also try not to write the end of your sons story. He is very young and things can change.
    There is hope.
    (((HUGS)))
    leafy
     
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  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Sorry to hear you're feeling sad Colleen. I have been there on and off for five years myself. Try to take care of yourself. That's all you can do.

    Sometimes when things escalate it forces you to take action as it did in our house and in was truly scary and horrible, but in some ways I'm glad it happened the way it did. We could have been hovering for many years. I know we're all much happier now.
     
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  6. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Our caring about our children's well being in the absence of any progress on their end takes it's toll. He does not care about how you feel. He has it made he sits on his backside while you work yours off. What's wrong with this picture?
    Please get help for yourself and do things you want to do. Sometimes when they see that they no longer have the power to turn us on our heads, they start to pick themselves up. You deserve to live your life.
     
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  7. worried sick mother

    worried sick mother Active Member

    Coleen, I understand how you feel, I feel sad too. I feel sad for all of us who are having to go through this with our children. Sending you hugs, take care of yourself!
     
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  8. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    Thank you all for your encouraging words.... It means a lot to me right now, as I don't want to constantly burden those around me when I just need to hear some encouragement from someone....

    My husband and i went out to dinner tonight and had a very good talk. I think we are both on the same page at this point about what we are willing to live with and what we aren't. We will let him live with us under two conditions.... No drugs and we no longer pay any tuition. We are done with paying for school.

    We will be very clear with our expectations and consequences. It's up to him.

    Husband wants me to plan on us doing something this summer for ourselves to get away, and try to focus on the benefits of having grown children, in that we have the freedom now.

    I feel a bit better thinking we both want to look to the future instead of always focussing on our son.

    Our younger son is having a hard time too, he dropped down to three courses and I think it was the stress of the year, and being in those classes with his brother may have played a part in that. I was constantly asking him if his brother went to class etc..... I know it wasn't his job to keep tabs on him. That isn't fair. When we found out this week he had dropped them without telling us, we were upset, but now I am seeing that it was more than just being "lazy". He is being affected too.

    We are going to be clear with both boys our expectations and what we will give them in terms of support. Without anger, just being clear and consistent. I love my boys, and am hoping they both rise to the occasion..... They have been give all the tools they need.

    Our older son does need to deal with his addiction, but we can't force it, it's his job. We have to learn to give him some space. We have both been so worried that we have smothered him at times.... Taking away his autonomy....

    We are slow learners, and we will probably continue to stumble, but st least we are on the same page .

    Again... Thank you to each of you. You have no idea how much I need this place and how each of your words do give me hope and strength.

    ❤️
     
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  9. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Having a therapist to talk to might help. I went to a therapist just to help me with how to deal with my son. We'd go over what happened the past couple of weeks and then go over how to try dealing with the situation the next time it comes up. I also took an anti anxiety medication. It helped take the edge off my depression as well. As someone mentioned, I would relax by bubble baths, tea, and chocolate, too! Positive thoughts being sent your way
     
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  10. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    HI Colleen
    Know that you are going to be alright. I think it is normal to have these feelings of sadness, even despair at times, sometimes lasting longer than others. It happens to me also. I felt so fragile for days / weeks, just wanting relief from the almost physical pain I felt in my heart. Knowing that it was OK to feel that way, and soak in it for a while was needed, and that it would pass eventually ~ it kept me going. Sometimes I was on the verge of tears / weepy for days at a time. At those times, just reading the encouragement from warriors on this sight, re-reading the detachment article, and knowing that processing all these feelings was necessary for not only myself to grow, but also to release my son, kept me going day by day.

    For myself, I have found that when I think I am just feeling too tired to do anything, like I just cannot move and really sometimes cannot even stay awake, it brings me back to feeling normal if I just push the effort to force myself to just keep doing whatever else routine tasks need to be done, such as get up and do the dishes, prepare my lunch for work, or do the laundry, or pay the bills, walk the dog, take shower, etc. ~ just get on with life and routine focus on the mundane. Take one day at a time with what needs to be done in life.

    Granted, this is not easy, and as an old grannie, I have more decades of practice at it, but you will come through these times of feeling down, of experiencing the sorrow that comes with the necessary losses of letting go of the disappointments when our children do not meet our dreams and expectations and hopes we had for them.
    This is good. Your children are young, and will be forced to develop their responsibility and ambition once they are out of the house. Perhaps you need to consider asking them to move out. Change is needed, and it is better not to delay it. I waited too long in my own situation, and should have enforced boundaries much sooner. Some support from you may still be needed, but it will be better for all (for you and for them) for the boys to be out of the home and moving on with freedom to spread their wings.

    Stay strong. One day at a time. You are not alone. Take care ... Here's a link to the detachment article from the PE forum, if you have not yet read it:
    http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz44nRr1VEq

    ~ Kalahou
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2016
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