Feeling guilty! Do others dislike their child?

[MsMichelle]

This is the first school year (only his 2nd year of school) where he has truly had trouble and next school year will be his (and mine) first year with an IEP. I plan on advocating for him an alternative to sitting still in an assembly! I am positive my son isn't the only CAPITAL H adhd child at the school that has trouble sitting still. It seems like a no brainer to have those kids have an alternative to sitting still when they are truly unable.

I have many many years working with kids/adults with special needs (developmental disabilities and mental illness) and love thinking of ways to support individuals behavior positively. While I was very good at writing positive behavior support plans for others and thinkign creatively, I am at a loss as to what to do for my son. Too close I think.

Thanks for your support of my feelings. I'm glad I'm not horrible!!

PS My son is taking Strattera for ADHD due to his psychiatrist not wanting to prescribe a stimulant with is heart murmur.

 

[WNC Gal]

Yes - it is VERY hard to fully accept everything our kids do because the very nature of psychology is that it is so subjective and prone to interpretation.... Outsiders just think our kids need "more discipline" or "more validation and love", while we know very well that we have done a wonderful job of parenting - at least as good as most families - and yet, our kids turned out differently!

And with any psychiatric disorder (I am learning), there is a very fine invisible line between what is and is not under a child's control.

I just have to keep reminding myself that my daughter is doing the best she can with tools she has now - and hopefully she'll be learning and adapting the new skills in an effort to improve her situation (locked in a psychiatric hospital for 6+ months....).

Now that she is out of the house for a while, I too have gained perspective on this and can better focus on my other wonderful kids because they deserve the unstressed/unfazed/easy going mom that I really am....

 

[Evanlee]

I found this article really helpful on so many levels..

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and Conduct Disorder (CD) in Children and Adolescents: Diagnosis and Treatment:
http://www.klis.com/chandler/pamphlet/oddcd/oddcdpamphlet.htm#_Toc135732019

My child has been diagnosed with ODD. I don't like to say this, but no one can stand him. Is this common?

Unfortunately, it is quite common. In comparison to ADHD alone, children and adolescents with ODD plus ADHD or just ODD are much more difficult to be with. The destructiveness and disagreeableness are purposeful. They like to see you get mad. Every request can end up as a power struggle. Lying becomes a way of life, and getting a reaction out of others is the chief hobby. Perhaps hardest of all to bear, they rarely are truly sorry and often believe nothing is their fault. After a huge blow up, the child with ODD is often calm and collected. It is the parents who look as they are going to lose it, not the child. This is understandable. The parents have probably just been tricked, bullied, lied to or have witnessed temper tantrums which know no limits.

Peace ~* Ev

 

[On_Call]

I'm also of the variety where I always love difficult child, but don't always like him very much. Sigh. Hugs to you. You're definitely not alone.

I hate the fact that he has this struggle everyday. I hate the fact that he simply cannot control his responses to everyday conversations, etc. For instance, he performs well at karate - last week he tested for his orange belt and got it - but I was absolutely petrified when the kids were asked to approach the desk of black belts and they were speaking in very quiet tones to the ones who tested. I was so fearful of what difficult child might say to them and completely powerless in the situation.

I think it comes from the constant stress of day-in, day-out dealing with the whole ball of wax. Don't be too hard on yourself and try to enjoy the good days/hours/minutes when you have them.

PS: I'd like one of the Rollercoaster t-shirts, size Large, please! :smile:

 

[KarenB]

You are SO not alone!! My son can enter the room, I see him, and I'm instantly angry. I've been feeling this way for a long time, and feeling the guilt associated with it. It's worse now that I'm pregnant and trying to survive my emotions and mood swings. I have noticed that I started to isolate myself when it's just me and my son here. I simply can't deal with it sometimes. I was getting worried about the baby because I'm high risk with my pregnancy already. My son is also over stimulated when it comes to positive experiences with people, like he just doesn't know how to act. He gets very hyper which turns people away from him.
Don't beat yourself up. It's hard to like someone that has you at your wits end day in and day out, even when it's your child. I have hope that it will be better some day. Hang in there.

 

[nlg319]

Another one to join the club...and I also fantasize about a life without children...but this is what I've wanted since I was 10 yrs old...Why didn't anyone ever tell me it would be like this???

 

[Martie]

ODD children do not do what they do "on purpose" in my opinion although it may look like it sometimes.

I found great help in liking, as well as loving my ex-difficult child when he was (legitimately) diagnosis'd with ODD by reading Ross Greene's book, The Explosive Child. It is helpful in behavior management, but even more helpful to me was understanding how the out-of-control "spirals" began, and how to avoid them. I realized that when ex-difficult child lost it, his manipulation and obstinacies were really his last defense against feeling as though he was coming unglued, it was a lot easier for me to like him, if not his behavior.

Best to you,

Martie

 

[waytootired]

I have had MANY fantasies where I pack my suitcase and just leaving, with no note or forwarding address....just go away and live by myself and start a new life.....But then I think of how unfair it would be for my babies(11 and 13) to grow up without a mother. Oh well...it's just nice to dream.

 

[Crazy-Steph]

You are SO not alone!! My son can enter the room, I see him, and I'm instantly angry. I've been feeling this way for a long time, and feeling the guilt associated with it. It's worse now that I'm pregnant and trying to survive my emotions and mood swings. I have noticed that I started to isolate myself when it's just me and my son here. I simply can't deal with it sometimes. I was getting worried about the baby because I'm high risk with my pregnancy already. My son is also over stimulated when it comes to positive experiences with people, like he just doesn't know how to act. He gets very hyper which turns people away from him.
Don't beat yourself up. It's hard to like someone that has you at your wits end day in and day out, even when it's your child. I have hope that it will be better some day. Hang in there.

I am so glad to hear you say that you get angry when he enters the room! Well, not that I am glad that you feel that way, just glad that I am not alone! There are times that I will be playing with our two easy child's and I am in a great mood. Then difficult child walks in, and it's almost like the sun is sucked out of the sky. I no longer want to play, I just want to be alone. There are weekend that it is just the two of us at home, and I have to make myself do fun things with him. I hate feeling this way. I love him so much.

 

[GoingNorth]

My husband died after a long course of chronic illness. During that illness, between sickness and pain and the medications he had to take, his personality changed (I had to Baker Act him on one occasion). There were good times and awful times. It was very hard to seperate the symptoms of his illness from the person I loved.

I think its much the same here. You can love the person while still hating the effects of the disease upon them. Certainly there is nothing wrong with finding respite of any kind to be a blessing. I know that without occasional respite care from Hospice I would've lost what was left of my mind on a few occasions.

We were lucky to have a 'girl' from Hospice who came in to help with household chores and who kept husband company so I could do simple things like go out and get groceries.

Perhaps it was 'easier' because he had a terminal illness of the body instead of a mental illness with no end in sight. I don't know about that. husband was a difficult, brilliant man who was struck down in the prime of life. He fought ADHD and shadow aspie traits through out his teen and adult years.

All I can advise is 'self time'. For me it was walking the dogs or getting on the computer alone. I relished the days when he needed transfusions and the carer took him down for those and drove him back. Five years later I still sometimes feel guilty about that. I still feel guilty about sometimes feeling glad it was just plain 'over' after husband passed and we had a very good marriage. I was just plain worn out with it.

In ending; I think this is a very normal emotion and not one to feel guilty about. There's something medically recognized as 'ambivalent grief'. I think there should be something recognized as 'ambivalent parenthood' as well.

I know I had times when I wished I wasn't married despite loving my husband with all my heart and soul.

toK

 

[wakeupcall]

GoingNorth, I never, ever would have looked at this "guilty" subject this way. Much like your husband, I suffered a terminal illness with my mother. I loved my mother dearly, but the disease took her over and she wasn't "herself" for many years. The best part, now that she's gone, I truly can reflect back to how much I loved her and how much she loved me. I know she would never have intentionally hurt me as she did.....now you've made me look at my ds with perhaps those same eyes. He loves me...he just can't help his behavior. It's been said on this board more than any of us could count, but boy...you had a great way to help ME see it more clearly. Thanks for your post.

 

[peg2]

I agree with everyone, I love my son, but have not liked him for about 5 years now. Feel guilty each and every day for what he has to go through due to his dad abandoning him, feel it isn't his fault. The guilt can eat you up, I re-live his hospital stays and group home placements constantly. I cry a lot too. But I have always advocated for him because no one else can do that like a parent!! It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through and wish someone could help ease the guilt.
Good luck,everyone here is so supportive.

 

[STRESSEDTOMAX]

Hi, Michelle-

Lately, I feel like this all the time and so does my husband and it breaks my heart. However, we are only human and sometimes it's all too much to handle. I am going to be 44, my husband is 56, and we have two older children, 20 and 25 who, basically, gave us no problems. difficult child was a complete surprise and I can't help but question sometimes why this is happening to all of us, including difficult child, at this point in our lives. My husband's friends are all enjoying freedom after raising their kids and I honestly know that we would be enjoying our difficult child if we could just do simple things, like going to the community pool without a scene, going to the movies, park, etc. We no longer think about major things like vacations but even the little pleasures often seem impossible.
I just read your blog and printed it out to reread when I need to. I had the exact situation in a grocery store one month ago-came out of nowhere- I wouldn't buy him a coloring book- and all hell broke loose. My difficult child however, runs away and so I had to drag him to the car. He also gets out of his carseat, throws things at me while I am driving, etc. He is in the process of evaluation now. He will be six in three weeks. Hang in there. It has to get better.

Chris