Leafy, thank you again for the relaxing sea turtle video. When I start to feel stressed, I watch it awhile.
Copa, are you still walking? If it is cold or wet...walk at an indoor mall briskly or do leg lifts on the couch while watching TV. But, I remember that you said that you like to walk in the rain...I do too. It is also psychologically uplifting to get outside.
I walk in the early evening before it is totally dark. I tried to do it in the morning before work, like you, Leafy, but I have to get to school by 7:15 to have a chance to get on one of the copiers!
I am doing a bit better. He is alive: eating, taking short day trips a town or 2 away, and perhaps warmer going to a gym. The heater, or air, in his car does not work.
I was thinking that if he filled one prescription earlier that I received a confirmation for on the home phone, maybe some of those CVS or Walmart visits on his bank statement is for a prescription. Also, atypical anti-psychotics make you gain weight. He always thought that he had a tummy, while he was, in actuality, tall and slender. Maybe the gym is to get in shape, as well as, for use of showers and heat 24/7.
I am trying very hard to get my mind in a medium place, not Pollyanna or gloom and doom. It feels good that he is local.
I am glad that I have a 'lifeline' with the small joint account. Without that, I would have truly lost it.
Work is very challenging. It keeps my mind off of things...at least for awhile. I also feel good helping others.
Leafy, you are correct in your thinking about stress from work. I feel like I am a broken-down car, low on gas, trying to get up a hill. It is exceedingly difficult to get out of bed. But, I do it. Once I see the smiles or hear the laughter of my students...it makes it all worth while. I truly enjoy what I do and I put myself totally into helping my students.
At times, I still feel like a failure concerning my ill son. But, he has never gone to a gym in his whole life ,so that is one positive point. Also, he had labs done and at least one prescription...another good point.
Also, my youngest son is safe, laughing, and just being a young carefree adult. Yes, he still worries. One night, he heard a noise and went room to room, slowly, stealthily, and thoroughly checking everywhere. It made my heart break! But, most of the time...he can be like any other 'normal' young adult.
Most importantly, he was not harmed trying to stop my ill son from harming or killing me. That single fact keeps me going. I was told that my youngest son could not have stopped a psychotic schizophrenic with a Butcher knife. I was also remimded.. what if his voices had told him to harm or kill his youngest brother? The police found a Butcher knife, box cutters, and a hammer in his room that day. It could have been for his own protection from his paranoid fears. I will never know... It helps me to go to the worse case scenario. In that manner, I am more grateful for the current state of affairs. Does that make sense to you?
Lastly, I am starting to believe deeper in my mother's heart that I helped my ill son too. He seems to be making very slow progress. He could be feeling relieved that nothing happened. I do not know. I still ache to see him or just hear his voice, but I have the bank activity to cherish. He is alive.
One day at a time, we are all getting a bit stronger. Don't get me wrong, I still worry. But, from time to time, I experience a very quick glimpse of a feeling of peace and calm.
