feeling guilty for my homeless 20yr.old son

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Woriedmom, Jun 28, 2014.

  1. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    yesterday my 20 yr.old son stopped by for more of his clothes,he was only here for a couple of minutes...ran in and ran out but not before telling...... "just to let you know mom, this is the worst time for you to make me homeless". It was because I kicked him out that he was not able to keep his overnight job. I told him he does have options...When I suggested to him that he should put himself into a program so the judge would consider taking some of those charges off at his upcoming hearing. He says to me " I have money mom". I'm like o.m.g! Now I'm sure he is involved with either selling drugs or some other kind of illegal activity....it's either that or he's stripping at night at ladies club.o_O
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    He is using guilt trip #3 on you. He is selling drugs period the end. He was selling drugs when he was living in your house. If he were to move back home, nothing will change except that you would be supporting his drug habit and his druggie life style. Would you want anything to do with him if he were someone else's child? The answer is probably not.
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    You need to let go of the guilt... remember you didnt cause it, you cant control it and you cant cure it!!! Really he is making the choices he is making and it is those choices that made him homeless.... and if he has money then let him use it to take care of himself. If you let him come home then you will just make it easier for him to buy and sell drugs and you dont want any part of that.

    My experience has been that when my son was homeless that was eventually when he would decide he wanted help and go for treatment. And although i still dont have a good ending and I dont know if he has ever really been serious about recovery, those periods of sobriety were good for him and helped him and he made some progress each time.

    So I think you are doing the right thing. You need to find some support for you... I really recommend finding an alanon group for parents. I started going to alanon when my difficult child was in jail for the first time.... 3.5 years ago. I was a total wreck and cried through my whole meeting. At the time it felt like the worst thing a mother could go through was having a kid in jail and I just was in a really tough place. Now my son is in jail again (3rd time) and it is barely phasing me (at least in comparison to before). I am not miserable at all. I am enjoying my life... and yes at moments it is hard but mostly I am glad he is not on the streets and is safe.


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  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Think about it this way.

    Could he be living in your home? YES! All he had to do are the things most young adults do...go to college or get a full time job, do a few chores (many of us are lax on that), maybe pay a little rent (ditto), be respectful to the family, abstain from violence, and operate within the law. These are normal parental expectations of their adult children and most adult children don't even have to be told about them to know this. I'm sure you talked to him many times, maybe cried and pleaded, threatened and fought with him, listened to his skewed logic and gave him chances and offered to help him, like most of us did before we finally felt we had to choice but to make our adult child leave. This is done both for us, so we can have peace and not look over our shoulders, and for the child himself. No difficult child grows up by being coddled. In fact, a difficult child LOVES being coddled and some sad elderly adults are eighty years old still feeding chicken soup to abusive, alcoholic sixty year old difficult children. The difficult child learned he never had to grow up so he didn't.

    Do you want to be that woman who never had a life except trying to save her son who obviously is not going to be saved? It is a choice we all make. Some of our difficult children respond well to the shock of being thrown out, usually not right away, but eventually. My daughter grew up and decided it wasn't worth using drugs...it is a very tough and dangerous life...she got sick of it and quit it all, even cigarettes and as she quit, we grew very close again. Does this always happen? No! But at least our grown children know that if they continue to act like ten year olds, they can not run to us to take care of them as if they ARE ten years old. ANd then they do have to figure out how to survive, one way or the other. Do you think it would help your son more if he lived in comfort while using/selling drugs, not doing much of anything with his life, abusing you, and being taken care of as if he were still ten? Or five? This is your dilemma. It is all of our dilemmas.

    Even my worse difficult child 36, who I believe would rob banks if he wasn't afraid of getting caught, has learned he has to get a job, and he has a GOOD job, take care of his son, and feed himself. I tossed him out once. He lived in various hotels, and not nice ones. Although he is far from ok, and I think I don't know half of what he has done, he is at least self-supporting and knows he can not decide to chuck his job, give us sad eyes, and come home. He has been dangerous sometimes to both me and his father (who is my ex) and would not be welcome to live with either of us again. He is doing better in his own house on his own a few states away from us.

    I am a huge believer in forcing our difficult children out of the cozy nest and not making their criminal lives easy. I also don't believe it is good to throw money at our grown children, especially those who are using it for drugs, although they will lie and say it is for food or rent or anything to pull at our heartstrings.

    I don't know if this post helped, but I hope so. My heart is with you and I hope you can get some peace tonight. You are worth it.
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  5. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Most homeless people choose homelessness. The best thing you can do for yourself is just accept his lifestyle and get on with your own life. This comes from a place of experience. x
  6. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    I've heard that too, multiple times. Usually I could put a blank at the end of that sentence.

    "Just to let you know, mom, this is the worst time for you to....

    ...not hire a lawyer for me.
    ...not bail me out of jail.
    ...not let me come back home.
    ...not give me $2 for the bus.

    Whatever and on and on. Anything they can say or do to push The Mommy Button.

    Peace will come for you when you begin to stop enabling, detach from your son with love, start accepting what is, see him clearly for what he is doing today, accept reality, accept life on life's terms, and start working on yourself.

    Believe me, it is the only pathway to peace.
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  7. Joyfullyme

    Joyfullyme New Member

    "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it" and I added "HE has to change it" - that has become my mantra and it has helped sooooo much! Please do not feel guilty for doing what is best for you.
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  8. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    Leafy, thank you again for the relaxing sea turtle video. When I start to feel stressed, I watch it awhile.

    Copa, are you still walking? If it is cold or wet...walk at an indoor mall briskly or do leg lifts on the couch while watching TV. But, I remember that you said that you like to walk in the rain...I do too. It is also psychologically uplifting to get outside.

    I walk in the early evening before it is totally dark. I tried to do it in the morning before work, like you, Leafy, but I have to get to school by 7:15 to have a chance to get on one of the copiers!

    I am doing a bit better. He is alive: eating, taking short day trips a town or 2 away, and perhaps warmer going to a gym. The heater, or air, in his car does not work.

    I was thinking that if he filled one prescription earlier that I received a confirmation for on the home phone, maybe some of those CVS or Walmart visits on his bank statement is for a prescription. Also, atypical anti-psychotics make you gain weight. He always thought that he had a tummy, while he was, in actuality, tall and slender. Maybe the gym is to get in shape, as well as, for use of showers and heat 24/7.

    I am trying very hard to get my mind in a medium place, not Pollyanna or gloom and doom. It feels good that he is local.

    I am glad that I have a 'lifeline' with the small joint account. Without that, I would have truly lost it.

    Work is very challenging. It keeps my mind off of things...at least for awhile. I also feel good helping others.

    Leafy, you are correct in your thinking about stress from work. I feel like I am a broken-down car, low on gas, trying to get up a hill. It is exceedingly difficult to get out of bed. But, I do it. Once I see the smiles or hear the laughter of my students...it makes it all worth while. I truly enjoy what I do and I put myself totally into helping my students.

    At times, I still feel like a failure concerning my ill son. But, he has never gone to a gym in his whole life ,so that is one positive point. Also, he had labs done and at least one prescription...another good point.

    Also, my youngest son is safe, laughing, and just being a young carefree adult. Yes, he still worries. One night, he heard a noise and went room to room, slowly, stealthily, and thoroughly checking everywhere. It made my heart break! But, most of the time...he can be like any other 'normal' young adult.

    Most importantly, he was not harmed trying to stop my ill son from harming or killing me. That single fact keeps me going. I was told that my youngest son could not have stopped a psychotic schizophrenic with a Butcher knife. I was also remimded.. what if his voices had told him to harm or kill his youngest brother? The police found a Butcher knife, box cutters, and a hammer in his room that day. It could have been for his own protection from his paranoid fears. I will never know... It helps me to go to the worse case scenario. In that manner, I am more grateful for the current state of affairs. Does that make sense to you?

    Lastly, I am starting to believe deeper in my mother's heart that I helped my ill son too. He seems to be making very slow progress. He could be feeling relieved that nothing happened. I do not know. I still ache to see him or just hear his voice, but I have the bank activity to cherish. He is alive.

    One day at a time, we are all getting a bit stronger. Don't get me wrong, I still worry. But, from time to time, I experience a very quick glimpse of a feeling of peace and calm.
  9. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    HI Feeling, you are up very late, I hope you are okay. I went to a fundraiser tonight and danced a bit, it has been a long time since I went anywhere and just enjoyed myself.
    I am puzzled, because you are posting on an old thread? Are you okay? I think of you often, and hope all is well. It is nice to have the day off tomorrow.

    One day at a time Feeling. Stay safe and keep working at peace and calm.
  10. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    I am very tired. How do I move my post?
  11. Woriedmom

    Woriedmom Member

    Haven't been here in forever... Son now 22 spent a year and a half in jail. Judge gave him 11 months but he had to stay in jail until the other 2 counties cleared him of his Dui and possession charge. He's been home now for 4 weeks. He's going to drug treatment 3 times a week... Drug tested every week. He's out on parole and after this it's 7 Years of probation. 7 years! my son now suffers from post traumatic stress but 4 weeks home he is improving... All with the Lord's help. I know this is going to be difficult but rules are in place... Only time will tell. I didn't want to leave you all hanging if anyone is checking back for an update. Encouragement welcome...please no negative replies.
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  12. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    Wow, Worried Mom, that sounds great! He's going to drug treatment 3 times a week and he is being tested for drugs once a week. You have rules in place. It all sounds very positive.

    I am sure that others on this site would agree that this is a very positive development. Keep your rules in place, stand your ground, and take it, as always, one day at a time.

    Feel very upbeat, yet guarded. He will prove that he is better able to comply with society's rules, and yours, in his daily behavior.

    Again, rejoice in this positive change. It is not just you, his parent, but the legal system making him follow the rules. This might very well be his time to change.
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  13. Feeling Sad

    Feeling Sad Active Member

    One last thing, he needs to fill in his new free time with proactive pursuits. He should go to classes or job training that would enable him to get and keep a good job, one hopefully that fulfills him emotionally.

    He also should pursue healthy hobbies that would make him feel more relaxed.

    He needs to feel like an adult moving forward. I feel that this is very pivotal in his success. If he feels that his life is ruined, he may fall back into bad company and habits. I am sure that deep down, he does not want to be dependent on his mother.

    He needs to see that a positive future is within his grasp.

    Be mindful, yet positive. Do not nag. It is on him to follow the rules without wavering or prompting.
  14. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi Worried,

    I am glad things seem to be going well for you and your son.

    This is an important time for him, and he must work hard to get his life back on track and begin a new way of living.

    I am rooting for you guys.

    Please keep us updated, and chime in on the forums anytime you get a chance!

  15. JMom

    JMom Member

    Keep us updated! Sounds promising!!!