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<blockquote data-quote="Deni D" data-source="post: 734401" data-attributes="member: 22840"><p>Hi Beta, I’m so sorry for all of the pain this is causing you. I can tell you about my situation, how I feel and what I’m doing about it. We are all different so take what’s useful, leave the rest.</p><p></p><p>My son is Bipolar, 23 years old, was diagnosed at a very early age. Right now he’s not taking medication. From experience with him I know he is in what’s called a mixed state, that means hypomanic and depressed at the same time. Some people with Bipolar disorder behave in an angry, selfish, arrogant, verbally abusive way when they are unstable. They are not self aware and seem to not understand the effect of their behavior on the people around them. In my son’s case I know he has some control because he gets in trouble with people here and there but saves his really nasty mouth for me, the one person who he knows cares the most for him. The assault charge has no bearing on a diagnosis of Bipolar disorder, doesn’t mean he has it, doesn’t me he doesn’t. Also if he is Bipolar, if you had found out about it when he was younger that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be exactly where he is right now. My son had the best Psychopharmacologist for childhood Bipolar on the east coast, had tons of therapy and education about Bipolar, yet here we are.</p><p></p><p>To hear my son tell the story of his life I never wanted him and let him know it every day. I paid no attention to him and “shoved” pills down his throat to keep him quite. I beat him up, gave him black eyes, locked him in the basement and so on. I threw him out of the house because that’s how I have fun, I messed with him and threw him on the street to watch him suffer.</p><p></p><p>For a long time he spoke to me as if his “life’s story” is true and has come up with some real doozies to throw at me verbally. He has said things to me that were so outrageous and vile I will not share them here, but I’m sure you get the picture.</p><p></p><p>Right now he is calm and respectful with me but is looking for what he calls a “full apology” from me, for me having him removed from my home in January and for his fictional childhood. I’ve told him if he goes to the therapist at least 10 times then I’ll go with him to have a discussion with him and the therapist but I’m not discussing it otherwise. We can talk about how his job is going and what he’s been up to and that’s about it. I do not reach out to him at all and limit the calls from him to about once a week currently. If, probably when, he gets nasty with me again then I will not answer calls from him for at least a couple of weeks and will hang up on him unless he is respectful. Also I no longer provide financial assistance to him other than uber rides and copays if he chooses to go to the doctors or dentist. He’s in an okay living situation right now and gets rides to a job he’s had for a couple of months so he’s not trying to guilt/shame me into providing for him. Since I had him removed from my house in mid January I have wanted to reach out to him but haven’t because I didn’t want to slip backwards from the agreement we’ve had in court.</p><p></p><p>I remember though the years before with him when he was in the middle of one of his crises (always of his doing) and looking for me to rescue him how I would get served a load of nasty guilt tripping bull, or be told he was too busy to bother with me. At that time I felt that if I continued to show love and concern for him no matter how badly he acted towards me he would eventually get it. Kind of like the golden rule, treat people how you want them to treat you, I actually felt like I had to “show” him proper behavior, as if he was still a young child. But then little by little it dawned on me that if I was teaching him anything it was that he could treat those closest to him horribly and they were required to take it and be fine with it. I think it was also teaching him that if he made things bad enough for himself I would have to rescue him, because I did it so many times. I’ve also come to the realization that there is no need for me to debate reality with him. Any accusations thrown at me do not mean I need to address them, at all. I am convinced my son knows the truth but feels ashamed of himself for his behavior so he quickly goes to his stories. And with that, my not putting up with any more bad behavior is helpful to him so he’s not piling more on himself to be ashamed about.</p><p></p><p>I was very worried too that he really would starve to death, be attacked and die on the street or commit suicide. So I wanted to talk to him to give myself a sense of relief, for just a little bit. And I thought if he would just listen to me he would have a much nicer life. But the bottom line is just as I can’t make him do anything I can’t keep him out of danger. As far as him listening to me, that’s not going to happen until if/when he’s taking care of his own business and not looking to manipulate me into rescuing him. Even though I hear from him now, prior I came to realize if he’s going to be okay I need to get out of the way. I came to terms with the thought that I’m good with the possibility that he never speaks to me again if that’s what he needs to stand up and take life on and take care of himself. And if that’s the way it goes in the future I’m still okay with it. I talk to God about him often and ask him to help. He’s come through with the stable living situation and a good male role model, for now, hoping my son doesn’t blow it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Deni D, post: 734401, member: 22840"] Hi Beta, I’m so sorry for all of the pain this is causing you. I can tell you about my situation, how I feel and what I’m doing about it. We are all different so take what’s useful, leave the rest. My son is Bipolar, 23 years old, was diagnosed at a very early age. Right now he’s not taking medication. From experience with him I know he is in what’s called a mixed state, that means hypomanic and depressed at the same time. Some people with Bipolar disorder behave in an angry, selfish, arrogant, verbally abusive way when they are unstable. They are not self aware and seem to not understand the effect of their behavior on the people around them. In my son’s case I know he has some control because he gets in trouble with people here and there but saves his really nasty mouth for me, the one person who he knows cares the most for him. The assault charge has no bearing on a diagnosis of Bipolar disorder, doesn’t mean he has it, doesn’t me he doesn’t. Also if he is Bipolar, if you had found out about it when he was younger that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be exactly where he is right now. My son had the best Psychopharmacologist for childhood Bipolar on the east coast, had tons of therapy and education about Bipolar, yet here we are. To hear my son tell the story of his life I never wanted him and let him know it every day. I paid no attention to him and “shoved” pills down his throat to keep him quite. I beat him up, gave him black eyes, locked him in the basement and so on. I threw him out of the house because that’s how I have fun, I messed with him and threw him on the street to watch him suffer. For a long time he spoke to me as if his “life’s story” is true and has come up with some real doozies to throw at me verbally. He has said things to me that were so outrageous and vile I will not share them here, but I’m sure you get the picture. Right now he is calm and respectful with me but is looking for what he calls a “full apology” from me, for me having him removed from my home in January and for his fictional childhood. I’ve told him if he goes to the therapist at least 10 times then I’ll go with him to have a discussion with him and the therapist but I’m not discussing it otherwise. We can talk about how his job is going and what he’s been up to and that’s about it. I do not reach out to him at all and limit the calls from him to about once a week currently. If, probably when, he gets nasty with me again then I will not answer calls from him for at least a couple of weeks and will hang up on him unless he is respectful. Also I no longer provide financial assistance to him other than uber rides and copays if he chooses to go to the doctors or dentist. He’s in an okay living situation right now and gets rides to a job he’s had for a couple of months so he’s not trying to guilt/shame me into providing for him. Since I had him removed from my house in mid January I have wanted to reach out to him but haven’t because I didn’t want to slip backwards from the agreement we’ve had in court. I remember though the years before with him when he was in the middle of one of his crises (always of his doing) and looking for me to rescue him how I would get served a load of nasty guilt tripping bull, or be told he was too busy to bother with me. At that time I felt that if I continued to show love and concern for him no matter how badly he acted towards me he would eventually get it. Kind of like the golden rule, treat people how you want them to treat you, I actually felt like I had to “show” him proper behavior, as if he was still a young child. But then little by little it dawned on me that if I was teaching him anything it was that he could treat those closest to him horribly and they were required to take it and be fine with it. I think it was also teaching him that if he made things bad enough for himself I would have to rescue him, because I did it so many times. I’ve also come to the realization that there is no need for me to debate reality with him. Any accusations thrown at me do not mean I need to address them, at all. I am convinced my son knows the truth but feels ashamed of himself for his behavior so he quickly goes to his stories. And with that, my not putting up with any more bad behavior is helpful to him so he’s not piling more on himself to be ashamed about. I was very worried too that he really would starve to death, be attacked and die on the street or commit suicide. So I wanted to talk to him to give myself a sense of relief, for just a little bit. And I thought if he would just listen to me he would have a much nicer life. But the bottom line is just as I can’t make him do anything I can’t keep him out of danger. As far as him listening to me, that’s not going to happen until if/when he’s taking care of his own business and not looking to manipulate me into rescuing him. Even though I hear from him now, prior I came to realize if he’s going to be okay I need to get out of the way. I came to terms with the thought that I’m good with the possibility that he never speaks to me again if that’s what he needs to stand up and take life on and take care of himself. And if that’s the way it goes in the future I’m still okay with it. I talk to God about him often and ask him to help. He’s come through with the stable living situation and a good male role model, for now, hoping my son doesn’t blow it. [/QUOTE]
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