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Feeling heartbroken and helpless
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 734403" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I am so sorry Beta, your heartbreak and despair are obvious.</p><p></p><p>There are no easy answers to how to respond when someone we love wants nothing to do with us. I would encourage you to seek out counseling, or any form of support which works for you. Perhaps contacting NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, they offer excellent courses for parents. As others have mentioned, Al Anon, Families Anonymous or Narc Anon are very helpful for some members.</p><p></p><p>Unfortunately, you've allowed your son to hold your life hostage with his behavior......which in addition to the profound grief you feel, only adds powerlessness, fear and guilt. We have no control over how others behave or respond, we only have control over our own responses. It's challenging to change our responses, however, it is necessary if we want a quality of life, joy, and peace of mind.</p><p></p><p>My sister, whom I raised, had been diagnosed with Bi Polar, Aspergers & a few others. She blamed everyone in my bio-family for unspeakable abuses when she was in her mid thirties.... ....previously, everything was fine.....one by one we were all blamed and then cast out. 18 years ago she threw me overboard completely. It broke my heart. She refused to speak to me and told everyone lies about me. We were completely estranged for those 18 years. She contacted me recently to give me a blow by blow account of my "crimes" and now wanted me to own them and apologize. I talked to my therapist about it and read her the actual text my sister had sent with the description of the alleged abuses. My therapist told me that in her professional experience, she believed my sister to have Schizoaffective disorder which produces specific kinds of hallucinations which ended up fitting perfectly with my sisters beliefs and accusations. It all started to make sense.</p><p></p><p>That piece of knowledge about the schizoaffective disorder liberated me out of the lifelong quagmire of mental illness which captured my parents, 2 siblings, quite a number of cousins and nieces and nephews..... <em>and</em> my only child...Throughout my life I was stuck in the enabling, the caregiving, the relentless struggle to find out what I did wrong, or what I could do, or what I didn't do, or what I should have done, or something, <strong><em>anything</em></strong> where I would have the power to heal/fix/repair/help/ so that the deep and unrelenting guilt, fear, worry and sorrow I felt would subside. Somehow finding out that my sister likely has this illness which produced dramatic and cruel hallucinations was what it took for me to truly understand, right down to my toes, that this has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME, I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS, I DID NOT CAUSE IT, I CANNOT FIX IT NOR CAN I CONTROL IT.</p><p></p><p>Mental illness is a family issue, it impacts the entire family and can fracture it. It is very difficult to see clearly and determine the correct course of action. However, what I've learned over 60 some odd years living with mental illness all around me, is that you cannot allow someone to use their mental illness as a battering ram to your heart.....you cannot allow them to get away with cruel and manipulative behavior. You must have strong boundaries and respond in clear and extremely straightforward ways. Sometimes it requires disengagement. As our resident poet Leafy says, <em>LOVE SAYS NO. </em></p><p></p><p>Beta, you matter too. Your life matters. Your feelings and heart matter. It is not OK to allow another, whomever it is, to treat you the way your son is treating you. He has told you what he wants. For whatever reason, drugs, mental illness, just being a big jerk.....it almost doesn't matter why.....the bottom line is you don't deserve it and one reason we take it is because we believe on some level that we are to blame, or we could've, should've and didn't give them what they needed. But it doesn't work that way. You loved him and gave him a good life. What he does with it is up to him, not you. The past is over and the future isn't here yet......all you can do is stay in this moment and do your level best to accept what you can't change.</p><p></p><p>Give your son over to your perception of a Higher Power if that feels right.....get as much support as you can, keep posting, read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here, read the book Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie, it's a good resource book.......focus all of your attention on your needs and your desires....find where your joy is and do what brings you joy......</p><p></p><p>Hang in there.....we understand.....you're not alone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 734403, member: 13542"] I am so sorry Beta, your heartbreak and despair are obvious. There are no easy answers to how to respond when someone we love wants nothing to do with us. I would encourage you to seek out counseling, or any form of support which works for you. Perhaps contacting NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, they offer excellent courses for parents. As others have mentioned, Al Anon, Families Anonymous or Narc Anon are very helpful for some members. Unfortunately, you've allowed your son to hold your life hostage with his behavior......which in addition to the profound grief you feel, only adds powerlessness, fear and guilt. We have no control over how others behave or respond, we only have control over our own responses. It's challenging to change our responses, however, it is necessary if we want a quality of life, joy, and peace of mind. My sister, whom I raised, had been diagnosed with Bi Polar, Aspergers & a few others. She blamed everyone in my bio-family for unspeakable abuses when she was in her mid thirties.... ....previously, everything was fine.....one by one we were all blamed and then cast out. 18 years ago she threw me overboard completely. It broke my heart. She refused to speak to me and told everyone lies about me. We were completely estranged for those 18 years. She contacted me recently to give me a blow by blow account of my "crimes" and now wanted me to own them and apologize. I talked to my therapist about it and read her the actual text my sister had sent with the description of the alleged abuses. My therapist told me that in her professional experience, she believed my sister to have Schizoaffective disorder which produces specific kinds of hallucinations which ended up fitting perfectly with my sisters beliefs and accusations. It all started to make sense. That piece of knowledge about the schizoaffective disorder liberated me out of the lifelong quagmire of mental illness which captured my parents, 2 siblings, quite a number of cousins and nieces and nephews..... [I]and[/I] my only child...Throughout my life I was stuck in the enabling, the caregiving, the relentless struggle to find out what I did wrong, or what I could do, or what I didn't do, or what I should have done, or something, [B][I]anything[/I][/B] where I would have the power to heal/fix/repair/help/ so that the deep and unrelenting guilt, fear, worry and sorrow I felt would subside. Somehow finding out that my sister likely has this illness which produced dramatic and cruel hallucinations was what it took for me to truly understand, right down to my toes, that this has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME, I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS, I DID NOT CAUSE IT, I CANNOT FIX IT NOR CAN I CONTROL IT. Mental illness is a family issue, it impacts the entire family and can fracture it. It is very difficult to see clearly and determine the correct course of action. However, what I've learned over 60 some odd years living with mental illness all around me, is that you cannot allow someone to use their mental illness as a battering ram to your heart.....you cannot allow them to get away with cruel and manipulative behavior. You must have strong boundaries and respond in clear and extremely straightforward ways. Sometimes it requires disengagement. As our resident poet Leafy says, [I]LOVE SAYS NO. [/I] Beta, you matter too. Your life matters. Your feelings and heart matter. It is not OK to allow another, whomever it is, to treat you the way your son is treating you. He has told you what he wants. For whatever reason, drugs, mental illness, just being a big jerk.....it almost doesn't matter why.....the bottom line is you don't deserve it and one reason we take it is because we believe on some level that we are to blame, or we could've, should've and didn't give them what they needed. But it doesn't work that way. You loved him and gave him a good life. What he does with it is up to him, not you. The past is over and the future isn't here yet......all you can do is stay in this moment and do your level best to accept what you can't change. Give your son over to your perception of a Higher Power if that feels right.....get as much support as you can, keep posting, read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here, read the book Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie, it's a good resource book.......focus all of your attention on your needs and your desires....find where your joy is and do what brings you joy...... Hang in there.....we understand.....you're not alone. [/QUOTE]
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