Feeling like a bit of a failure

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Californiablonde, Feb 25, 2015.

  1. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    When it comes to relationships, I suck at it, for lack of a better word. Whether it be friends, boyfriends, or family members, they all seem to leave me at one point my life. I had a very good friend, who I considered my absolute best friend, who I've been close with since high school. This friend and I have known each each other for 25 years and she WAS my kids' godmother. She now says she NEVER considered my kids her godkids since I never put it in writing. We got into a small argument last year which blew up, and she said some incredibly mean and nasty things about me and my kids before deleting and blocking her out of her life.

    My other good male friend, who suffers from anxiety and bipolar like me, suddenly and unexpectedly blocked me several months ago. We used to talk several times a day, every single day, for two years. He even sent me $100 worth of gifts for my birthday. Then all of a sudden POOF he was gone. A couple of other friends also got deleted by him at the same time as me. I noticed he has added them back but kept me blocked. He always said I was his best friend, so what gives?

    Another very good friend of mine died unexpectedly after an accidental overdose 7 years ago and I don't have him either. My latest "best" friend, who replaced my former best friend (kids' godmother) suddenly wants nothing to do with me anymore. She has fallen into a deep depression and says she wants no contact. I feel once again hurt and betrayed by someone I thought I mattered to.

    I am an incredibly sweet, shy person with a big heart. Why do people continue to push me out of their lives? And my love life is a joke. Every single boyfriend I have every had, except for ONE, has cheated on me and left me for somebody better. The only man who did not cheat on me was an abusive jerk and I'm the one who dumped his sorry @ss. Other than him, they always break up with me. I am expecting my current boyfriend (if I can even call him that) to break it off any time. He hasn't kissed me, touched me, or told me he loves me in two years. Once again, I'm not good enough. I hate to sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself, but seriously what gives?
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    CG, I have had that problem and it took me all these years to figure it out and it was my therapist who pointed the obvious out to me. Maybe it's the same with you.

    If we pick dysfunctional people as friends, they will not be reliable as friends. Yes, you and I have mood disorders, but we are still reliable. Most people with mood disorders are all over the charts. If they are recovering addicts, they could be dry drunks. Not saying they are, but could be. If they are argumentative, they are going to get miffed if you disagree with them. The guy who blocked you for no reason you can think of could have borderline personality disorder...they are famous for that.

    I have learned to only allow stable people into my life, even if that makes my circle small. I don't like drama. I don't like backbiting. I prefer a few people who are trustworthy to people who can turn on a dime. Most of my life I befriended those who would turn on a dime. My family would turn on a dime (family of origin). Oh, well. I just refused to find stable people to hang with as I felt they were boring. What does that say about me?

    These days I count my blessings that I have my husband and kids. I have acquaintances I can talk to if I like, but I don't care if I get close to others anymore. They have to be quality people.

    My sissy, whom is a good one for leaving people, got left and defriended by one of her friends of many years and a whole slew of people followed this first leaver. She was devestated that all these people were defriending her. I don't know the end of the story because she then turned about and left ME again and I had warned her that if she ever did that again, we were done. So I don't know if the drama is on again and I don't care.

    CG, keep being a good person. Just be careful about who you get close to. Choose stable people or expect them to be...well...unstable!!!!! You ARE a good person. It's not you. It's not me. It was our choices. You knew your boyfriend was a problem before he moved in but your good heart wanted to give him a chance. Again, it is not you. It is him and his probable inability to sustain over the long term. Personally, I think you are TOO GOOD for those people, not the other way around.
     
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    Last edited: Feb 25, 2015
  3. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Midwestmom you are so right. I do pick unstable people. I am drawn to them because I feel sorry for them. Some of them I can really empathize with when it comes to the anxiety issues. One person who actually did seem stable is my current boyfriend. His sparkling personality and sense of humor won me over, and he really did seem like a put together guy. The only thing a little "off" about him is he divorced after an incredibly brief marriage years ago but never married since. I thought he just hadn't found THE one yet, and of course at first I thought maybe I could be THAT one.

    Turns out, not so much. Like all my men, he got to know the real me and decided he doesn't like me. They all treat me like the queen of this earth for the first couple years then they completely change their minds. I think at this point in my life I have accepted the fact that I will never finally get married and I may have to get used to living on my own the rest of my life.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    CG, dating is hard now with the way people can meet other people on the internet or even their cell phones. Marriage is at an all time low in the younger generation (20-30). It's not you. It's sort of how it is. And relationships are always hot and heavy at the beginning, but a lasting relationship usually cools off to a calm normal. The thing is, there are less people who really want a lasting relationship these days, men AND women (my son Bart has the same problem). Now, I am NOT comparing you to Bart, but he is finding out that the girl he made plans with on Monday night and calls with a raging headache so that she has to cancel probably just got a better offer by somebody on the internet.

    Don't judge yourself by this boyfriend or anyone else. You know you're a good person. You made the same mistake as me...choosing highly dysfunctional friends and boyfreinds. I was just lucky that I met this husband and I'm a lot older than you. There was no internet then. My first husband was the loser from Hades!!!
     
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  5. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wait, you have a "boyfriend" who hasn't kissed, touched or said I love you in two years. I would say he has the problem! Why would you think you weren't good enough?

    What is he getting from this relationship (to have stayed this long he's getting some kind of payout)? Perhaps a better question is what are YOU getting from this relationship (other than the ability to say "I have a boyfriend)?

    People pass in and out of our lives. We loose and gain friends. There are probably very few folks here who can say they are maintained a friendship for 10+ years. Often victims feel they are victims because they see themselves as such. Rewrite the story of your life without that noun (and start with kicking that no good boyfriend out of your life!).

    Sharon
     
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  6. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    I still believe in this saying: You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your Prince" In this day and age I do certainly believe that one must have a much longer dating period before moving into a deeper emotional relationship. I think that all the technology and social media has made people more lonely than ever - so it is not your fault but just the way society is. Maybe it is time for you to make a break from this person if you feel that things are going downhill. You can't meet Mr. Right when you are involved with Mr. Wrong.
     
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  7. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    You know, this is my first thought when you mention the boyfriend. I don't see what you are getting from this. I can tell you with absolute certainty, it is better to be alone than it is to be with the wrong person. If they don't make you feel good about yourself - they are the wrong person. Been there - married that. :rolleyes:

    People do bad things to other people. I can't say it hasn't happened to me. Even friends. The woman who introduced me to Jabber, my closest friend for 10 years, who babysat my son and was my maid of honor - stole my identity to get a credit card she maxed and stuck me with the payments on a car I cosigned. I had to file a police report to keep from paying the $7000 bill and it broke my heart. She never even apologized. Her daughter, years later, who I'd known since she was 7, I let move into my home until I could afford to get her on a flight to go live with my EX-friend - stole me blind and then after she was arrested (on other charges) had the nerve to try to trick me into posting her $30,000 bail!

    My other wedding attendant (to Jabber) halfway thru the wedding decided we weren't really that close. She did the wedding...but afterwards? We're facebook friends. That's how close we are. I can't remember the last time we had a personal conversation. We say "hi" if we see each other. That's about it.

    There are many, many people I have been close to in my life that have just kind of disappeared. Life gets in the way and suddenly the people who you thought would be with you in your old age just aren't there anymore. Sometimes you just fall out of touch. Sometimes you have a falling out and even if you make up...it's never the same. In my 51 years I've determined that - that's life. People grow and change and come and go and every life touches so many others, but very few are permanent. It doesn't say anything BAD about you. It doesn't even say anything bad about them. It is just how it is.

    And now I'm back to where I started.

    You sound very much like my oldest friend. We've known each other since kindergarten, 46 years this year. Virtually every man she's dated cheated, including one of her three husbands. She's actually married now...to a very nice man...but that's only been in the last 5 years at the age of 46. She's never had kids. She has cats. :) We used to fight - WOW did we ever fight - over her self-esteem issues. Because she kept picking these same jerks and she would get drunk and cry about how she wasn't good enough. It made me want to smack her!

    And...I mean this in the nicest possible way... it kinda makes me want to smack YOU. :fishbashsmile:

    Because YOU are SO good enough! If there's anything wrong with YOU it's that you are letting yourself down! Why are you sitting around waiting for this guy to break up with you? So you can feel bad about him not wanting you? How about you stand up and say, "I'm an incredibly sweet person with a big heart! I deserve love. I deserve passion. I deserve BETTER than this!" Because you do! Everyone does!

    Quit looking at yourself as a reflection of how other people treat you! How people treat you says more about them than it does about YOU! :hugs:
     
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  8. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    CB, you deserve so much better than what your current boyfriend is giving you. If it were me, he would be down the road as it sounds like all he does is take up space.
    You are so worth it, don't let what has happened in your past tarnish your future. You have a life to live so go live it. You know there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. Before you will be able to find true happiness with anyone you need to be ok with being alone. In the end the only one we can really count on is ourselves. I have a great husband but he's 10 years older than me and I know the day might come when I don't have him and on that day I will be alone but not lonely. I'm like MWM, I don't have a large circle of friends, yes I know a lot of people but there are only a select few whom I really trust.
    I like what Lil said about not looking at yourself as a reflection of how other people treat you.
    YOU ARE AWESOME!!! I'm so glad you are here.
     
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I agree that how people treat you isn't a reflection of who you are or how you deserve to be treated. However, it is a big statement about how YOU think you deserve to be treated. That's why so many of our trouble sweeties have such horrendous friends that our more confident kiddos would never hang out with. That applies to ourselves too.

    Seems like it is not just your love life, but your life friends who have had soooooooo many problems and drama. Mine used to as well and my family too. And therefore I got treated like they treated life...dysfunctional. I learned to distance myself from those who have a sad story. Unfortuantely, I found that often they will use you to help them then take off when YOU need THEM. Once I literally drove a lady around for three weeks trying to find a place who would let her rent WITH her seven kids and her felony on her record. I actually was the one who found the source too!

    After she settled into her home, guess how often she wanted to see me? You're right. When we pass in the town we wave and hug, but there is no friendship. She isn't interested in one. Often that is the case when you set yourself up as a personal social worker and rescuer to somebody you feel needs you.

    We can't change our kids and we can't change the world at large either. Generally people who can not take care of themselves get along by using others. I learned that lesson big time.

    Be careful and kind with and to your heart. Stable people make stable friends and lovers.
     
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    Last edited: Feb 26, 2015
  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Californiablonde. From my experience relationships are not with better or worse people. And there are no better or worse people, either. You are unique, as am I, as is everybody.

    I second what says Lil. My life as well as those close to me is littered with ex friends--either instigated by them or me. Family members dump each other. Many, maybe most people, are not that good to each other.

    As I hear you, your experience is not different from most of ours, either romantic or friendship.

    As others have said, the harder thing is understanding what you really need and seek in a relationship. And not settling for less. This is not so easy. Some of us do not know what we really need, except through trial and error.

    I am somebody who did not find who I needed and wanted until quite late in life. I was alone for a very long time. But it was worth it.

    From somebody who doesn't know you, you are taking waaay too much responsibility onto your own shoulders....Certainly each of us needs to look at ourselves, and take an inventory. But I am more inclined to agree with Lil:
     
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