Feeling like one big screw up

[Californiablonde]

Well I got more complaints about me at work. Saying I don't notice people when they come up to my counter. I keep them waiting too long. I personally don't see it but others are complaining. And my supervisor is telling me to stop using my bipolar as an excuse. I don't know what else to do. When I'm working on a task I become hyperfocused. I tend to block out my surroundings so I can get stuff done. I have been doing this for years, but have only been getting recent complaints this year. This year I have been screwing up bad. And my supervisor went to a conference yesterday. She was on a panel to interview a bunch of people for a position at another school. She made it a point to tell me how everybody applying were college graduates and were overqualified. Then said I should feel lucky to have this job. Then she mentioned the complaints about me. Now I feel like my job is in jeopardy. If I lose this job I don't know what else I am going to do. Give up and on disability I guess. This is the only job I have ever had that I like. I hated all my other jobs. And now I suck at this one. And I suck as a mother. My house is always messy. I fall asleep at 7:00 at night, thanks to the Geodon, and half the time my kids skip brushing their teeth because I am not awake to make them do it. I am good for nothing as an employee and a good for nothing mother. I feel hopeless. I don't know where else to turn. Excuse me while I go and have my pity party.

 

[DDD]

Isn't you appointment. with the psychiatrist today? If so take a list with you to discuss problems. I know you are fully focused on getting off one Rx but please try to explain to him that you are not focusing appropriately at work etc. to see if he might want you to try a stimulant (it's quick in and quick out). Yeah, lol, I know you think the idea is lousy but I'm eager for you to feel better soon. DDD

 

[witzend]

Good advice from DDD. It sounds as though you may want to talk about some behavioral modification techniques.

On a side note, I notice that you are really hard on yourself. I understand that it can be easy to hyper-focus on our faults when things seem to be falling apart all around us. I think that it is helpful to try to find one positive thing about every day. It might be something as small as you saw a flower that you like or a cloud that was pretty. It's a start. You could eventually work your way up to recognizing things that you know you're good at. If you can accept that you can do a job well done, it will be easier to walk away from it before it becomes an obsession.

 

[Californiablonde]

All I hear is negative negative negative. I never hear anything positive at work. So I feel like I don't do anything right. And my mom is constantly saying I'm a bad parent. Thanks to Geodon, I am asleep by seven. My kids don't take showers and brush their teeth like they should. Hopefully going off the Geodon will help with that. But my house is still messy and I suck at finances. I am always broke. I don't cook every night of the week like she did. She was super mom and I'm just barely getting by. That's why I feel like the biggest failure right now.

 

[cubsgirl]

Don't compare yourself to others - even your Mom. You will never feel positive if you are always looking at others - believe me, inside their seemingly perfect worlds there are issues in every person/family. As far as finances - do you have a family friend or anyone you know that can help you develop a reasonable budget that works for you and you are able to follow? Some of your local non-profit agencies might offer free budget counseling as well but you have to call around. Don't try to be supermom - you have a difficult child - just try to take it one day at a time, the problems will seem more manageable that way. And definitely tell psychiatrist about concentration symptoms - I agree with DDD you need to let him know and follow his advice.

 

[dstc_99]

Allright enough beating yourself up. If you kids don't brush their teeth at night or take a bath no one is going to die! If they eat out of a drive through instead of at a table they will survive. If your boss keeps complaining at work call in the EEO and get them on board with accomodations. Hell stick a **** bell there with a note that says please ring the bell even if I am sitting here.

As for the house I bet if you spent less time beating yourself up and feeling like **** you would have time to clean it. Finances---go get some help. There are places out there that assist people with mental health issues with things like this. In fact your bank probably offers assistance and would help you set up auto pay for things that are important. The bank doesn't want you to fail anymore than you do. If they don't offer auto pay for normal bills close the account and find a bank that will. Contact the businesses that you pay monthly such as water and electricity and see if they have auto pay too. Why waste valuable brain power on monthly bills that need to be paid all year long. Focus on the ones that only come sporadically and make a small spreadsheet you can keep on the fridge as a reminder. It doesnt need amounts on it just business names and dates. PS I can email you one if you PM me your addy.

Get rid of the cat (somewhere appropriate) and don't feel bad about it. You don't have the time or the energy for it right now. Buy a goldfish or something that requires minimal care and costs very little. Stop beating yourself up because you don't enjoy a cat that pees and poops on your stuff. You can't afford to replace it and it will be an issue when you have to get a new appointment.

Right now I think you are overwhelmed and having people beat you up verbally is not helping. You need to downsize and figure out what is important. That is your basic needs, your sanity, and your children. Your job plays a part in that too. You have been fighting for you difficult child forever. Use the state and school resources available to employees and fight for yourself. They have to accomodate you if you have medical needs.

I know I sound harsh but the point is this. YOU have to take care of YOU or you will never be able to take care of anything else.

 

[AnnieO]

Sweetheart - you can't compare yourself to your Mom! She didn't have the same situation you do. And I've heard a few things from my own Mom that made me feel bad about myself, but... At the end of the day, my Mom had one NT kid and I have 3, 2 of whom came with LOADED baggage. I finally pointed out to her that her criticism wasn't helping, all it was doing was hurting my feelings and she had NO IDEA. She's better (not perfect) now. You're going to have ups and downs at work... Didn't you have a coworker who was trying to undermine you?

Also, when things are going wrong, I get super hyper sensitive about even perceived criticism... I feel for you. You are entitled to a pity party - but don't let it go on too long!

 

[witzend]

All I hear is negative negative negative. I never hear anything positive at work. So I feel like I don't do anything right. And my mom is constantly saying I'm a bad parent. Thanks to Geodon, I am asleep by seven. My kids don't take showers and brush their teeth like they should. Hopefully going off the Geodon will help with that. But my house is still messy and I suck at finances. I am always broke. I don't cook every night of the week like she did. She was super mom and I'm just barely getting by. That's why I feel like the biggest failure right now.

Try again.

 

[HaoZi]

One expert (I forget who) said special needs kids have one success for every 20 failures, and normal kids are the flip - 20 successes for every failure (paraphrasing). Let that sink in a bit before you really consider yourself a failure as a parent.

Parenting a difficult child is hard enough on a couple - doing it as a single parent, with no respite, no recharge, no real break - honey, if Dante had known, he'd have added another circle. There are nights we're lucky to get our own teeth brushed, let alone get our kid's teeth clean. And those Supermoms? Most aren't as happy as they seem in public, they're just good at putting on a good face in public. They have problems, too - everyone does.

May I recommend The Elephant in the Playroom by Denise Brodey? I'm finding it good reading, it's a collection of real life stuff by parents of special needs children.

 

[Californiablonde]

Thanks for the suggestion, Hoazi. I will check it out. As far as my supervisor goes, I am extra upset at her. She tells me not to use my disabitity as an excuse but I can't **** help it. And SHE got employee of the month a couple of days ago. What a joke! I do all the work while she goes shoe shopping online and takes all the credit for the **** I do! Pisses me off. She makes more money than I do and she doesn't deserve it. I am labeled as her assistant. Well apparaently at my job assistant means you get to do all the work while the other person plays around on the internet. So not fair. Sorry for my little rant. Right now I just feel like I'm not being given any credit for what I do right and it really hurts my feelings.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Well apparaently at my job assistant means you get to do all the work

Hate to tell you this, but...
In MOST places, "assistant" means you get to do all the work - and get no credit.
It goes with the job description.

Not fair, I agree. But it is reality.
In a GOOD company, they aren't quite so blatant about it... and I do think the person you are assistant to IS a JERK.

 

[Californiablonde]

She is terrible. Pretends to be my friend then stabs me in the back. She has blocked and deleted me from facebook countless times. Over petty ****. Then has the nerve to friend request me again. I am not falling for it next time. She friend requests me I am turning her down flat. I can't handle the drama.

 

[witzend]

Well, I am of the firm belief that most managers are no better than their assistants make them. Maybe you'll get lucky and they'll transfer you to someone else.

Are you ready to find the one positive thing about today yet? You know, "I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet." If that's as good as you can come up with, then that's good. But you really need to come up with something.

 

[Californiablonde]

My child support check came early. That's about as good as it gets for me today.

 

[HaoZi]

Some days all you can do is know how much worse it could be - but isn't. Hold on to the little things. Did your son give you a nice smile today? Your daughter isn't pregnant? Those are GOOD things (and knowing some kids your daughter's age that ARE pregnant, that's a BIG thing!). You have a job in this economy, even though you hate it? Hey, it's money for now. Easier to find a better job when you have one than when you don't so if you don't like it, start looking for a better one, but don't let this one go just yet. You've got a guy you like. He's not perfect? Who is? Work on things with communication and make the relationship better, find his best method of communication and work with it rather than yours, things will go smoother that way. But baby steps - don't expect everything to change for the better all at once, it won't happen. Your life won't suddenly be all sunshine and roses. And even roses take fertilizer and we all know what fertilizer is made from! Yup, gotta take the bad with the good.

 

[Californiablonde]

Right now I feel like a difficult child child who gets all the criticism, gets yelled, and hears nothing but negative, and never gets any praise. I need to feel recognized. As a mom. As a coworker, as a person. All I hear from work is a bunch of negative, so I'm assuming I never do anything right. And sometimes I really need to be told that I matter. Cause right now it feels like I don't.

 

[AnnieO]

One thing you're doing RIGHT!!! You're here, aren't you? This is GOOD! Sometimes it's the ants, not the elephants, that get us.

 

[HaoZi]

I'd like to not live hand-to-mouth for someone who doesn't pay time and a half for 4th of July and doesn't believe in annual raises (I've gotten one raise since minimum wage went up - ONE - and it wasn't much of a raise). I adore my boss, even like her boss, but her boss's boss... ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. Yeah... I'm not feeling it today. And I get to go re-do my rent lease stuff today. And my child support stopped being paid last month because he either quit or got fired (don't know which, he doesn't bother calling or writing his own kid, like ever). I get to take the cat to the vet tomorrow and let me tell you how much fun THAT is (not).

Pardon me while I vent on your thread.

I have no uplifting words today. Or at least not at the moment.

 

[cubsgirl]

One thing that I have had to really work at is my "internal dialogue". I used to beat and berate myself constantly and never felt good about myself. Once I worked on what I tell myself and made it more positive then I didn't need to rely on external validation. I know that I am a good,caring, kind and fun person but I had to really work on that and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. The best advice I ever got was "What other people think of you is none of your business". Just let go of the negative and start giving yourself positive affirmations. [Easier said than done - I know]

 

[Californiablonde]

I had a post the other day in my bipolar support group asking us to name five positive things about ourselves. I couldn't even come up with one, much less five. Needless to say I didn't respond to that post. Yep that's where depression gets ya. Don't feel good about myself at all whatsoever. Hopefully going off Geodon will help. Been on it four years and have been depressed for four years. So I might be swinging the other way a bit. I don't mind. I think I deserve a little hypomanic episode. As long as it doesn't go into full blown mania I'm good.