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feeling low - I know you all will understand...
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<blockquote data-quote="pepperidge" data-source="post: 327483" data-attributes="member: 2322"><p>I totally get it. I have at least one kid with Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) --which manifests itself largely as ADHD. He's almost 13 now and we are having more success after trialing about 15 medications. </p><p></p><p>I didn't make a conscious choice to adopt a child with difficulties--I didn't think I would be a good enough mom. And I am probably not. But here I am anyway. </p><p></p><p>I have found it has gotten easier as time as gone on to not regret the more "normal" life other parents have. Perhaps it is because things are a bit easier now with my children now that they have made some developmental progress. </p><p></p><p>And yes there is grief--of not being able to have one's biological child who would have been perfect of course and all the emotional roller coaster of trying to conceive, miscarriages, etc, and then the difficulties of adopting, and then adopting children who have come with problems that were not anticipated. </p><p></p><p>And just when you are getting beyond your own grief , your children start breaking your heart on a regular basis with their recognition of how much more difficult their life is than many of their peers. </p><p></p><p>I have found this board to be very helpful--virtually no one out there really understands unless you are likely to find some friends going through similar things. </p><p> </p><p>I think one of the things that is hard is that we mothers are the focus of much of the oppositional behavior. It would be one thing if they had problems (certain kinds of physical difficulties maybe) that didn't come with all the emotional baggage our kids come with and create. Sometimes in those bad moments I think to myself, why did I chose this. Mothers aren't supposed to think that, much less admit to it. </p><p></p><p>There are people who will use the analogy that have a challenging child is like taking a vacation in a different country than the one you ended up in--say Holland instead of France. I have to say I felt a strong sense of kinship with the mother who wrote in and said, Holland would have been fine, but I ended up in Beirut. </p><p></p><p>Maybe you just keep your sense of humor the best you can, channel the grief into becoming a fierce advocate for your child, and savor those few moments when motherhood was what you thought it would be long before you ever had children. </p><p></p><p>Sorry, I guess I am feeling low too. But I have to say, it is better now than it was--for the moment we see glimmers of progress and stability instead of just dark nights of wondering how we were going to survive ten more years of child raising with sanity intact. </p><p></p><p>Not having the perfect child frees you to live your own life, instead of living your life through your chlid. It is liberating in its own way.</p><p></p><p>Many hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="pepperidge, post: 327483, member: 2322"] I totally get it. I have at least one kid with Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) --which manifests itself largely as ADHD. He's almost 13 now and we are having more success after trialing about 15 medications. I didn't make a conscious choice to adopt a child with difficulties--I didn't think I would be a good enough mom. And I am probably not. But here I am anyway. I have found it has gotten easier as time as gone on to not regret the more "normal" life other parents have. Perhaps it is because things are a bit easier now with my children now that they have made some developmental progress. And yes there is grief--of not being able to have one's biological child who would have been perfect of course and all the emotional roller coaster of trying to conceive, miscarriages, etc, and then the difficulties of adopting, and then adopting children who have come with problems that were not anticipated. And just when you are getting beyond your own grief , your children start breaking your heart on a regular basis with their recognition of how much more difficult their life is than many of their peers. I have found this board to be very helpful--virtually no one out there really understands unless you are likely to find some friends going through similar things. I think one of the things that is hard is that we mothers are the focus of much of the oppositional behavior. It would be one thing if they had problems (certain kinds of physical difficulties maybe) that didn't come with all the emotional baggage our kids come with and create. Sometimes in those bad moments I think to myself, why did I chose this. Mothers aren't supposed to think that, much less admit to it. There are people who will use the analogy that have a challenging child is like taking a vacation in a different country than the one you ended up in--say Holland instead of France. I have to say I felt a strong sense of kinship with the mother who wrote in and said, Holland would have been fine, but I ended up in Beirut. Maybe you just keep your sense of humor the best you can, channel the grief into becoming a fierce advocate for your child, and savor those few moments when motherhood was what you thought it would be long before you ever had children. Sorry, I guess I am feeling low too. But I have to say, it is better now than it was--for the moment we see glimmers of progress and stability instead of just dark nights of wondering how we were going to survive ten more years of child raising with sanity intact. Not having the perfect child frees you to live your own life, instead of living your life through your chlid. It is liberating in its own way. Many hugs. [/QUOTE]
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