feeling overwhelmed! any advice?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by EStephens, Jul 24, 2012.

  1. EStephens

    EStephens New Member

    I am brand spankin new to the site so please forgive me if I do something wrong.
    A little about our craziness, my husband is an IEF/OEF veteran with lots of "fun ness" going on, a 10 year old difficult child with ADHD and Asperger's syndrome, a 7 y/o and a 3 y/o.
    We are still relatively new to the diagnosis of Asperger's and we have very little support. In fact the majority of our family has chosen to ignore the diagnosis and pretend it is not there.

    All that being said, does anyone ever just wanna pull your hair out and scream at God that you can't possibly do this anymore?
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    You made it over here. Great. Can you tell me what IEF/OEF means? That's one I've never heard. Do the other kids have any issues? What kinds of things/behaviors are you dealing with that are so frustrating? Is the 10 year old on any medication?
  3. EStephens

    EStephens New Member

    Operation Enduring Freedom and Operation Iraqi Freedom. (Afghanistan and Iraq wars.) Is what IOF/EOF stand for.
    The other kiddos have no diagnosed issues and are coping pretty well as their momma seems to lose her mind. They are loud, obnoxious troublemakers, like their momma.
    My big kid, my difficult child seems to be getting worse in his attitude since the diagnosis. He won't follow instructions and seems to have no respect for other people's things. Tonight he broke little kids porcelain bike she worked so hard on painting. When questioned he said he didn't break it, only pushed too hard and the thing exploded. He refused to apologize and go to bed. So that was a whole huge meltdown of tears and screaming. I don't understand how his brain works and it seems to be to my demise. I feel like I am losing the battle and the war!
  4. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Thank you for clearing that up for me.

    Now as for your oldest, before you start blaming him for doing things intentionally, keep in mind that Aspie's (anyone on the spectrum really) think VERY differently than most of us do. That is one of the hardest lessons I have learned. You need to keep an open mind. when he says he didn't "break" it but that he pushed to hard and it exploded, he's more than likely telling you the truth. He's trying to tell you it was an accident. That is exactly the kinds of things that caused many school suspensions and severe depression. He was being accused of being intentionally disrespectful, defiant, and oppositional when it was really that he was misreading cues, acting immature, and lots of other things that were NOT intentional.

    A wonderful book that got me turned around was what most here recommended called "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. By using his methods, I realized how VERY differently my kids think. I learned that for my kids to be successful, I needed to understand their thought processes and teach them alternatives. PLEASE read the book and very calmly implement his methods. I think you will be amazed and things will turn around. Our kids are not "naughty kids". They really, REALLY don't know any better and need to be taught things that most kids learn on their own over time from observing and participating. Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids don't.

    Please stick around. There IS hope. I'm living proof of it even though my journey is far from over. I'm just very content that I am FINALLY on the right path. You need to find that path yet and the book will help tremendously.

    Others will be around tomorrow to offer more insight. Nights are kinda slow around here.
  5. EStephens

    EStephens New Member

    Well thank you again dear! I will see if I can find that book. And thanks for not being judgmental about it.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I agree that you can't expect an Aspie to think like we do. They require a very special type of parenting. You can not parent an Aspie like you parent a "typical" kid. All rules go out the window. Have you educated yourself on the disorder? If not, you really should. There are a lot of good books out about Aspergers. The more you read, the more you will understand. Also, maybe counseling for you and him with somebody who understands Aspergers (this is mandatory, not all therapists do) would probably really help you understand him and it may help him understand himself.

    Welcome to the board :)
  7. EStephens

    EStephens New Member

    I am attempting to educate myself with the disorder. I am reading just about anything I can get my hands on. (I am not sure I will ever understand it all. ) My son has the typical can't look people in the eyes, doesn't like changing clothes, stems in awkward or happy situations, and he is a friggin genius. Our tiny little town has no resources for Asperger's but he in counseling. ( the counselor swore she has experience with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD),but I am not reassured at all!). I truly am trying to do the best I can by big kid, I just seem to be screwing up more then anything.
    My mother and sisters are not a source of reassurance, they will not accept anything about his disorder and the last time he stayed with them, his punishment for hiding was for everyone in the house to put their hands on his shoulders while he was held in a chair. ( He still shudders when we talk about how that wasn't right.) My mother in law keeps telling me that I am not raising him right because he is manipulative, dishonest, and a bully to middle kid. I just wanna scream!!! I just feel like no one is on Team Big Kid.
  8. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I have a family that is just like that. I have as little contact with them as possible which is sad because that is all I had. Now it is just my kids and I.....and this board of course. I also sympathize with the lack of services and resources. We don't have any either. It is really sad that rural areas are so underserved. Our psychiatrist is over an hour away and there is no therapist at all that knows much of anything about Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). They all want to do typical behavior modification which does NOT work with Aspie's. If you don't think the therapist is helping, you'd be better off stopping before any harm is done. No point throwing good money after bad for something that doesn't work.
  9. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    One thing that you'll NEVER get around here is anyone being judgmental--it's one of the things that makes this board so special to me. And I second the Explosive Child book (it really saved our grandson) and another site to check out is Michelle Garcia Winner. She's a speech therapist and really has great simple ways to help learn social skills in fun ways.

    Hang tough, momma!
  10. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member

  11. EStephens

    EStephens New Member

    Well thank you folks! I will check into those this evening!
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Welcome, EStephens.
    Thank you to your husband for serving. :)

    In regard to your son breaking the painted bike and not accepting blame, that is so familiar! Yeah, it just exploded. Uh huh.

    Yes, you have come to the right place, and yes, I often feel like pulling out my hair.

  13. EStephens

    EStephens New Member

    Thank you for the websites! I only thought I understood part of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)!
    And also thank you for the support! I feel bad that I wish my child was "normal". It's nice to know I am not alone
  14. EStephens

    EStephens New Member

    Oh and TeDo my son is on Vyvanse and imipramine. Sorry I had left that out.
  15. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Do you see that the medications are helping? Many times it takes some time and trial and error to find the right medications to help. For Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), there aren't any medications except some kids do well on something to help with some of the anxiety that goes along with the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). Not sure about others here. I'm just speaking from our personal experience and from some that I have heard about. If the medications aren't making a marked difference, then they may be the wrong ones and/or wrong doses.

    As for the family, yea, I've got them too. They say exactly what your mother-in-law says. I read a really good book that you could ask them to read but I can't remember the title. I will have to look that up and let you know. I would have my family read it but they have their minds made up and NOTHING is going to change it and I doubt any of them would read it anyway. I just know it helped me understand some of the issues.
  16. EStephens

    EStephens New Member

    TeDo actually big kid was on Vyvanse for his ADHD. Apparently his doctor thought he had Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), but he was worried to mention it because life was so hectic at the time.
    Big kid had a super low point when he attempted suicide. Scariest time in my LIFE!!!!! That is what sent us to a counselor and then to a psychiatrist to get tested and we were given the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) diagnosis.
    Big kid seems to do better when he has his medications. Possibly because his ADHD is more controlled so he can actually focus on something other then all the distractions of the world. I have taken him off his medications this summer to try to get some weight on him, (he is a skinny skinny kid) but I do believe he and I both need him to take them. He isn't as impulsive or rude it seems when he is on them.

    And as far as family goes I wish I had a magic wand and I would beat the heck out of both of our families with it. I hate that you are going it alone. I will keep you in my prayers dear.

    I handed "don't look me in the eyes" to my mother and it is a pot holder for her coffee. Blah
  17. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Handing books to "problem" family members to read is worse than an exercise in futility... if they actually read it, they mis-interpret the contents, and assume that the worst-case scenarios are what is going to happen to your kid... Gah!

    ADHD medications and weight gain... Yes, those stims can suppress appetite. Rather than going off the medications completely in the summer, have you tried:
    1) a lower dose for the summer (still getting some benefit)
    2) significantly increasing the size of breakfast
    3) asking about an additional medication that may both help some of his other issues AND have "weight gain" as a side-effect (been there done that with success, based on a stimulant plus an AP)
  18. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Hi, and welcome to the board. You will find alot of support and suggestions here and this place has made things easier for me because I know that people here understand.

    Is you son a black and white thinker? Mine is and it wasn't until I saw how concrete he was about things that I was able to get a better handle on how to talk to him and explain things to him. I'll give to an example. We were riding in the car home from somewhere (can't remember where) and he asked when we were going to be home. husband, who didn't get it at all at the time, gave him a time. "4:00 pm". We hit traffic, 4:00 came and went, and we were still on the road. difficult child had a FIT in the car because husband "lied" to him because he said we would be home by 4:00 and we weren't. He couldn't understand that when husband gave him a specific time that it was dependant on other things, like traffic. As he's gotten older it's gotten a little better, but I still find myself explaining things to him, or giving vague answers so that I don't get caught in that trap.

    I wish I had some advice for you about that family ignoring the diagnosis. That helps no one, especially you. I know what really helped to get husband's family on board was for them to really see him in action and for me to call down to their house for help (they live around the corner) on more than one occasion when I felt physically threatened. They saw quickly that I wasn't exaggerating about the problems (as I had been told I was) and that the problem was not that I was a bad mother. The problem was that difficult child had problems going on that we could not see and that made them really hard to deal with and diagnose. Stick to your guns and do what you mommy gut tells you.
  19. EStephens

    EStephens New Member

    Thanks guys!!
  20. EStephens

    EStephens New Member

    To answer some questions, and sorry I will miss some I know,
    1- yes we have tried a lower dosage of ADHD medications but it seems that is he has any medications at all he is not hungry. My difficult child is quite amazing in the fact that he and I try to find words where we understand each other, regardless how silly we sound. He has told me before that he does not understand the need to snack or eat when a person is bored. The snack is over soon and you are still bored. (he didn't get this from his chubby momma that is for dang sure!!)
    2- getting difficult child to eat PERIOD is difficult. He has a problem with the way some foods feel in his mouth. Oddly, he adores Ramen Noddles and Raviolis, so we try new foods and of they don't work, we go back to ol reliable.
    3-I am still lost in the fact that I would love to have my momma an sisters on my team. I realize I should have thought things through before handing books or handouts. Thank you for giving me that perspective. I truly hadn't thought of it in that light.
    4- difficult child is ABSOLUTELY a black and white thinker. If I give him a rough outline of what is happening for the day and I stray at ALL, I have all kinds of "funness" to deal with.
    5-difficult child asks questions all the time. I find myself explaining or googling for answers probably 30-50 times a day. I joke with my husband that living with an aspie is like playing 20 questions 1,985 times a day.
    It is nice to know that other kiddos and parents are in a boat with us. Thank you for the advice and the candid advice.