Feeling resentful

[flutterbee]

I so need a break and it's not going to happen anytime soon, if ever. I am finding myself resentful of....well...pretty much everything - the kids, the animals, the schools, stupid questions, having to repeat myself (not because they're not listening, but because they didn't understand - well, and because they're not listening).

The episode with Wynter earlier this week certainly didn't help any. It pretty much pushed me over the edge and I can't make myself care too much about anything. Her behavior has been better, but that just means she's not arguing and being nasty. She still takes no initiative. Not with her school work, not with helping around the house. Hell, she can't even feed HER dogs unless I tell her to. If I'm sleeping a lot, they just don't eat until I get up. If I go outside and don't want to take the dogs with me, she gets pissy. Excuse me? I'm the one taking care of them completely. If you want to do something different, you're more than welcome to do so, but don't you dare criticize me when I'm the ONLY one doing it.

Devon got a speeding ticket. He's a juvenile so that means court and suspension of his license and so now I have to try to get at least some restricted privileges because I need him driving. He's had 2 detentions and one in school suspension for being late - 13 tardies since school started, most of them 1 or 2 minutes tops. Now, they are doing something called SAP - Suspension Avoidance Program or something - where instead of being suspended a day which would be an unexcused absence and he couldn't make up the work, he is suspended a day and does community service and the absence is excused. He got the ticket because he was going to be late for school. Doing 36 in a school zone. Bet he's going to have a hard time keeping privileges and I can't drive much. I hope they give him something really yucky for community service cause I am sick of nagging til I'm blue in the face. And of course the Assistant Principal is just a [word that would be edited]. Hello? YOU are the one that was late 13 times! We live about a mile from the school. He's 17. I'm sick and tired of repeating myself. For crying out loud, he ended up doing diversion through juvie court last year where he had to do 30 hours of community service and pay court fees for the very same thing!!! And I had to nag him to death to do the community service or else diversion would have been revoked and he would have had to go in front of the judge and it would have been part of his record. With diversion, there is no record. And I had to nag him. Every day. I've been doing the natural consequences because for some reason this kid HAS to learn the hard way and even then he doesn't learn.

My mom gets really big on how much I'm sleeping and if I sleep too much during the day and am up later at night. She's a early morning person and it's always bothered her that I'm a night person. But, even with that I sleep *a lot* when I'm in a flare. My body needs it. Every. Single. Time. I talk to her she's saying, "Well, you should stay up til this time and then you'll get your nights and days turned around." I'm really, really, really tired of having this conversation. How many years has it been??? I sleep when my body needs to sleep. That meant I was up for 5 hours total on Friday. And those 5 hours that I was up...I was out of it and fighting to stay awake. Then after that, I was only up 8 hours and slept for 6 more hours. She's asking what time I got up. Did you set your alarm? No. Why not? Because my body needs to rest.

I could go on and on and on. Bottom line is, I want both kids and all the animals (except for Jewel and Abbey, of course) out of my house for at least a weekend. I want to turn off the phone and the outside world.

So, I'll never get the animals to go anywhere, and even if I sent Wynter to my mom's all I would hear is moaning and complaining from both of them about the other and it's just not worth it. I could easily send easy child to a friend's house to stay, but that's not going to change the upcoming SAP thing and the Dec 4th court date on the ticket.

I always say I'm going to run away and say the name of the country I'm going to run away to. I've been saying this for years and now I can't even remember the name of the country. Little country by Mexico. How sad is that? Now I have nowhere to run away to cause I don't know where I'm going!

I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

 

[flutterbee]

It's Belize! It just came to me.

Now, I just need to get a passport.

 

[Ropefree]

Belize is a very good idea. They let you sleep there, with the proper visa.
We just moved under two miles from the high school after a k-10 history of truly epic
distances to get to school. SAme deal...tardies...wants to get up 15 minutes befor the first bell...arrive with his hair all catiwampus still yawning the just got outa bed yawns.
That changed recently...now he is going to bed and getting up and being ready.
But it was a HUGE effort...one idea that worked for my freinds was to wake him up and get him ready and them make him do stuff before school at home to break the bad nonscence.
One of my freinds says to her kids "You are giving me stress(really streatching out the s t rrrrrreeeeesssssssssssss part)...Why are you giving me stresss?
Oh or how about MOMMY MONSTER it was a manuver my son still will give for...what do you prefer my beautiful caring mother loves you voooice or MOMMY MONSTER PICK ONE.
It is part of the learn it the hard way or listen to your mother and learn it the easy way by listening and understanding what you have heard. ANy questions?
REcently when the stay in the bed after the alarm thing was going on AGAIN...I burst through the door and jumped on the bed grabbed the covers and ran out the room.
He tryed to be mad but he was so surprised he was having a hard time not laughing.
An important message that Gloria Steinm offered was that women need to think of radical acts and then do them. Nail the shorts to the floor...my favorite. To do the radical things we dream of until it is not if or when but how many can I today.
I called the cops the one time. Now I am thinking of who else I could call that would knock on his door and get him up and on the road to a better life. A fireman, a monk, a ....?

 

[ML]

I so understand. I even got a letter this week about the 6 one-minute tardies. It goes back to waking up earlier which goes to getting him to sleep earlier which is another argument, etc. etc. It's always a fight isn't it? I would be a great traveling companion!
Thinking of you and hoping you catch a break. Go easy on yourself and do whatever you must to shore up your spiritual and emotional reserves. I'm just glad you are *getting* sleep! Love ML

 

[crazymama30]

What about going to a motel for a night or two? If you can't get them to leave, can you leave? Just for a day or two, they may appreciate you more then.

 

[trinityroyal]

Awwww Heather.
I can just hear the exhaustion and frustration in your voice.
You DO need a break. I like crazymama's suggestion of a hotel or motel. Just check in for a weekend (or even a week), and sleep to your heart's content.

I think that because you've taken on so much, even with your health in such a state, that your kids think that elves will magically appear in the night to clean the house, walk the dogs, and take care of everything else. By your absence, they might learn just how much you still do for them.

As for the natural consequences, I think you need to take it a step further. I totally agree that you need to try and retain some of D's driving privileges if you're not up to it. But...for the other stuff, if he's continually tardy to the point where he's getting in trouble with the law, then perhaps he needs to feel the full weight of the law in order to understand the consequences. With W, maybe she does need to go back into mainstream school.

I'm sorry, Heather. I don't know that I'm making any sort of constructive sense. I do know that you're hurting and I want to make it better.

Sorry that you're feeling so overwhelmed. When you get the plane ticket to Belize, let me know. I might just hitch a ride in your luggage.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}
Trinity

 

[TerryJ2]

So sorry, Heather. Belize sounds like a fantastic idea.

A hotel for a night sounds great, too. I did that when I was on overload several yrs ago. Turned out I had Epstein Barr. I really did need to sleep.

Could you just get away for one night and one day? Any little bit helps.

So sorry about your son's ticket and the ensuing problems. Sigh.

 

[flutterbee]

I can get him up in the morning, but I am not going to stand in the bathroom with him to keep him moving rather than just standing in the shower. Besides, he whiiiines. OMG. Like fingernails on a chalkboard. An almost grown man whining. I didn't raise him like that. He's 17. When it's something he wants to do, he can get there on time and he'll get pissy with anyone that slows him down. I hope they give him yucky AND boring community service because he'll *hate* that. If he's kept busy, he won't mind it at all. If I didn't need him driving, I'd just let him lose his license. It's just that this is going to cause problems for ME.

I've seriously considered putting Wynter back in regular school and, really, I'd just be trading one problem for another. The only benefit is that it would get her out of the house and away from each other some every day. And I can't decide right now if the benefit outweighs the 'risk'. I'm still considering it, though.

And someone PLEASE tell me how to get the dogs to stop barking every time a cricket farts. Jewel has hound in her (whippet) and she has that hound bark - she sounds like a big dog - and then Buster starts barking and I'm pretty sure he has no idea what he's barking at. He's just doing it cause Jewel is. This goes on all day long.

 

[flutterbee]

As far as a hotel...I can't afford it. But, I was just thinking that I might go and stay at my grandmother's for a night or two. Sleep in the bed I used to sleep in when I was little. Just need to make sure to work it where my dad won't be there, too.

 

[totoro]

I don't know what I would do if I were you? Belize would be sounding so good. It sounds good to me right now!
A break is not too much to ask for. They are just so hard to get. Especially when you are single Mom. It is such an unfair situation, it truly is.
I don't have an answer. Running away.
Earplugs a porta-potty, cooler with food and beverages and lock your bedroom door for 2 days! Oh and your computer!

 

[flutterbee]

I just got done making the arrangements. Next Sunday, I'm going to go spend 2 days with my grandmother. Wynter is going to stay with a friend and come home during the day on Monday to do her school work and take care of the pets.

I don't know why I didn't think of this before.

 

[TerryJ2]

YAaaaay!!!! Woo hoo!!!!
That is great.
I know that just thinking about it lifts your spirits.

Now, for the dog training.
You've got to be right there, with-a leash, when your dog barks. In fact, I've tied the dog's leash to my belt and made the dog stay with-me all day so I don't have to go chasing around every time she barks.
When the dog barks at something you don't like, yank the leash and in a firm voice, say, "No bark!"
When the dog has been quiet for some time, say, a half hr, give the dog a treat and praise it.
Never give the dog a treat when it is barking. Unless it's at a burglar in the middle of the night. Then only Porterhouse steak will do.

You will have to train both dogs, but I would suggest doing it separately. They feed off of one another's neuroses and it's just too difficult. Just put one in the bedroom or laundry rm while you're working with-the other one.
Not to say that if they both bark at "nothing" you can't discipline both by calling their names, just that it's easier if you have a solid training foundation first.

To teach a dog not to bark is difficult. In the wild, dogs are supposed to bark. When they're hunting (hounds, especially) are supposed to bark. So you're working against instinct.

It takes weeks and sometimes months, but it defintely can be done.

 

[Wiped Out]

I'm so glad you are going to get to spend some time with your grandma with-out the kids!

 

[BestICan]

I just wanted to offer hugs, too. I'm really glad that you've made plans to take a mini break. Just knowing it's coming should be helpful.

Just to chime in on the dog training, I agree with Terry - it's great advice. One thing I'd suggest is trying to train with the command: "Shhhhhhh!!!!" instead of "No bark!" just because it requires slightly less effort and is a little more pleasant sounding. In the long run, if it works, you can hopefully just make a quiet little "shh!" and they'll obey.

 

[flutterbee]

Thank you, Terry and Jen, on the tips for the bark training. I already use the 'word' SHOOSH when they start, so I will probably continue with that since that is what they are familiar with.

I don't think I will start the training until after my respite, though. The thought of having them attached to me all day makes me shudder. I just want to be left alone, Know what I mean?? Not on me or around me all the time under my feet. They're just being dogs. I just have no patience right now.

 

[Marguerite]

There's an anti-bark collar I've seen advertised in those brochures that turn up uninvited in letter boxes - the collar is sound-activated and loaded with citronella oil. When the dog barks the collar emits a small puff of citronella (which apparently dogs don't like).

I'm told it works very well.

We were going to get one for the dog next door but because it isn't OUR dog, we were going to put the collar right where the dog likes to stand when it barks at us for making the slightest sound. It always stands in the same place on their side of the fence, and it's an open slat fence, the previous owners used to feed biscuits to the dog through the gaps in the fence. We figured, we put the anti-bark collar on OUR side of the fence but right on the open space, then when the dog shoves its snout right into the gap to snarl and bark at us, it would get the citronella puff in its face.
If the dog wanted to go bark somewhere else in its backyard we wouldn't mind, and the collar wouldn't matter then.

Then the owner moved and we no longer have the dog problem. I was almost sorry. It couldn't have happened to a more deserving dog.

Marg

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Heather,

I'm happy you're going to get some much needed rest at your grandmother's!!! I know I couldn't spend as much time around my difficult children and easy child/difficult child??? as you spend around your daughter. I'm grateful that they're in school during the week, away from me. Vacations make me cringe...

I know I'm more selfish than you are - Even if homeschooling were the best option for my difficult children, I honestly don't think I could do it. I would lose whatever little bit of sanity I have left.

ENJOY YOUR MINI-VACATION!!! And, if you're ever headed to Belize, count me in... I'M READY!!! WFEN

 

[KTMom91]

Glad you've got a safe place to hide out!

I'd like to tag along to Belize, too. Let me know.

 

[flutterbee]

I told my mom today what my plans are re: going to my grandmothers.

Mom: What about Wynter?
Me: She's going to stay with L.
Mom: What about the dogs?
Me: Well, Devon will be here and Wynter can be home during the day to take care of them.
Mom: Can't Wynter go with you?
Me: That's not an option.



It's not a break if I'm taking the biggest reason I need a break (Wynter) with me.

This is why I didn't tell her last night. I didn't want to have this conversation. I didn't want to have to justify it. I don't understand why it's so bad if I need a break. My mom was a single mom for only 2 years and she went out - without kids - at least twice a week. And my brother and I spent most weekends at my grandmothers. I lived with my grandmother for 2 summers (summer only) during that time only going home for a couple days at a time.

I love my mom dearly. I really do. There are just some things I don't tell her - like calling the police on Wynter - and other things where I know I'm going to have to be prepared to either justify it to make peace or tell her that this is what it is and I'm not going to justify it.

And at 5:30 this morning Wynter started in with how miserable she is and how I make her miserable. I'm just so tired.