Feeling Sad about Birthday coming coming up...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by animal lover, Jun 11, 2012.

  1. animal lover

    animal lover New Member

    :2dissapointed: I don't want to sound like a spoiled brat, but this time of year is bad for me, as well as the holidays. My b'day is
    in 2 days and I hear nothing from my son, in-laws, brother or sister. I feel very much alone. My hsuband tries Occupational Therapist (OT) cheer me
    up, but I just keep crying more. I sometimes feel un-appreciated from my family and in-laws cause I make sure not to forget
    their birthdays, holidays etc.

    I thought about sending a letter or a card to my son. June is a bad month, cause my sons b'day is the 21st, my grandaughter's
    is the 16th and her mothers is the 28th. My sister-in-laws are also in June. In fact my one sister -in-law and I are only 4
    days apart. Hers is the 9th mine is the 13th. I always remember them too. I don't even feel like doing any thing for mine.

    Every year I go to the mail box thinking positive, that there will be a b'day card from somebody, but no dice. At this point
    I don't know if I am better off writing my son or just leave him alone. Any way I've told you enough of my problems. I am
    so glad you guys are listening. Thanks again

  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im sorry animal lover. I kinda know what you are going through. We give so much of ourselves to everyone else to try to make their days special and no one returns in kind. One of our long time members began teaching her rather clueless son that he would get as good as he got as far as remembering holidays and special days like birthdays. It woke him up a bit when his birthday came and went a time or two without being remembered. Dont know if that would work in your family or not.

    I know that my family tends not to make a big deal out of me. I try hard to do for the ones who act nice to me. My middle son has all but forgotten me as far as presents or even a card for my birthday or Mothers Day since he left home almost 10 years ago and it ticks me off to no end. He has given his dad stuff, and some really nice things too, but I think I can remember two things I got and they were both useless. I just go on. My other two boys try. They always at least remember and tell me.

    Do something nice for yourself. I dont know what you like to do but whatever special thing it is that you enjoy, go do it. Make that your present and pretend its from whomever you want it to be from. Oddly the difficult child who I thought would not be doing for me is my biggest champion...lol.
  3. animal lover

    animal lover New Member

    :hugs: Thanks Dammit Janet,

    It'stoo bad our children do this to us. You put all your heart and soul into raising your kids the right way and it seems like
    it just is thrown right back in your face. I was taught that you respect your elders no matter what you are thrown. Now a days
    that just don't happen.

    I have been keeping in contact with my grandaughter, it's like she's your friend, when b'days, christmas and other holidays come around
    she'll talk and e-mail me. Other than that I don't here too much from her. We just recently went to her 8th grade graduation, which we had to
    travel to wisconsin for. Took a plane, stayed in a hotel for 2days. I could not make it for her confirmation so I purchased her a beautiful sterling
    silver cross neklace and along with that her graduation present of $100.00 in cash. We also took her out for dinner and I took her shopping and spent another $60.00. My husband is really good about letting me spend what i want when I see her. he says you don't get to see her that often.

    It seems to me she's following in her Mom & Dad's foot steps. Not one thank you came out of her mouth for anything we did. Her b'day is the
    16th of June and I am sending her a card, but that is all she is getting out of me until I hear I thank you. My husband thinks its mean, but dhe will
    be 14 and should know what is right from wrong. I'm sorry your son is treating you badly too. Buying for his Dad and not you. I would not
    give him a second thought as far as doing anything for him.

    I have 2 sister-in-laws. (1) has 2 boys. The 1 boy treats like a son should treat his Mom. The other one just don't care and she don't here from
    him. My other sister -in-law has 3 girls and the oldest one is the only one that treats her nice. the point is at least they each have one son or daughter that cares and then there is me. I just have the one son. And he definately don't care.:not_fair:.
    Thanks for listening. I've gotten 1 reply out of about 48. Pretty sad huh?
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    My kids are good about such things because I made it a point to stress how important it was all the while they were growing up. Otherwise, I dunno if they'd remember or not. Our society has become so utterly selfish / self centered it's not funny.
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Animal lover... just to put that into context? I was one of those "48".
    The problem is that while I care, this isn't a problem I know much about or really have anything to contribute on.
    I read ALL the posts - because I care.
    I contribute when I can.

    But... you obviously need some {{hugs}} - and I can hand out those.
  6. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry, I know it hurts. But, this is why years ago I began celebrating my own birthday. I even throw my own birthday party. I pick a place for dinner or drinks, and invite my friends to join me. My kids don't go (and really aren't invited, to be honest lol). Last year for my 50th, I took myself to Key West.. and 3 friends went with me. It was one of the best birthdays ever.

    For me, my birthday is about Crazy surviving another year in this crazy world, and that's something to celebrate, for myself, whether or not anyone else acknowledges it. I don't want or expect cards or gifts any more, I just want to have fun and enjoy myself on that day.

    Mother's Day.. that one can be a bit tougher for me.. but I'm learning to adopt that attitude for that day as well. It was ignored by my children for most of their lives, so that I grew to hate the holiday. But, they are slowly beginning to acknowledge me on that day as the years go by, and that helps a bit. Nowhere near the acknowledgment I see many other mothers get, but, it is what it is. I can't change it, and it wouldn't be worth anything if I had to ask for it.

    It takes time to get to that point... but you can do it. Just make it about you.
  7. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I am so sorry, animal lover. Birthdays and special days are important to me, too. Continue to acknowledge the family birthdays. Your doing this or not doing this will not change them, but you will be being true to yourself. Do you have a good friend you can go to dinner with?

    My sisters and I stopeed exchanging gifts, by mutual consent, many years ago. When my X left me, I started the tradition of buying something nice for myself. I bought a bike rack for my car one year, mostly, though, it's been very small: a book, a necklace, just something nice to honor anohter year of life.

    I know it hurts. try and be a little extra kind to yourself on June 13th, and happy birthday to you!
  8. animal lover

    animal lover New Member

    :hugs: Thanks Dashcat,

    I know I am not alone. There are many on this board going through the same thing. I'm just glad there are people like you
    who will listena nd not judge, like some people I know. i won't say who?

    Maybe i have to quit trying so hard. I do that cause I want people to like me, but obviously I'm doing something wrong. Take care
    and thanks for listening.

  9. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    (((hugs))) The number of views and the number of replies is always way out of whack! I think a good number of those views are from 'guests' who cannot post (you have to join to post).

    Maybe you could send your granddaughter a stationary set for her birthday (ie. boxes of thank you cards and some stamps!).
  10. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member


    First off, {{{hugs}}}. It's very hard when you put a lot of effort into doing nice things for other people, only to have your special occasions go completely unrecognized. It hurts, and you have every right to feel badly.

    The statement you made above really struck me. I think you ARE doing something wrong. Here's what I mean...

    When you give people presents in order to make them like you, it's a bit like a contract. I do X for you and in return you do Y for me. Except that the recipients of the gift don't know that there is a contract, let alone the terms of it. They have no idea that you're expecting anything at all. After all, they've never done anything nice for you, and yet the gifts, cards and money keep on coming. From their perspective it's a pretty sweet deal -- they get lots of nice stuff and don't have to do anything.

    For you on the other hand, by continuing to give those gifts, you're giving yourself a lot of grief and heartache. And each additional gift you give adds to your store of pain.

    So, stop. No gifts, no cards, nothing. If the deal is that you give a gift and you get treated nicely in return, then they have not lived up to their end of the contract, and it can be broken.

    The only reason you should be giving a gift to anyone is because it brings you pleasure to do so, without any expectation of return. If you want to keep giving your relatives presents, knowing that they won't appreciate or thank you for them but because it makes you feel good, then you should keep doing so. However, if it's going to cause you more and more pain and resentment, then you need to change the pattern.

    Your family members may not treat you any better than they did before. But you won't be putting your happiness or hurt in their hands anymore either.

    {{{More HUGS}}},
  11. animal lover

    animal lover New Member

    Hi Trinity,

    Thank you for your reply. You are absoutely right. I should not have to do these nice things for people and get no acknowledgement. I did send my
    son a b'day card only to keep the door open between us. Yesterday was my b'day and I did get a e-card from my sister-in-law and also my sister,
    which did surprise me (from my sister) I also sent my grandaugter a b'day card and have decided with her that is the final card she will ever get from me.

    My grandaughters mother and her family were hinting around when we there for my grandaughters graduation about tuition at this Lutheran High School.
    That was the main topic and in the next instance she brought all these beautiful dresses that she bought her daughter and I thought to myself."LADY YOU
    NEED TO GET YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT." #1. I asked my grandaughters mom several times if she could comes see us. I told her we would pick up the tab
    for her air fair. Her reply was I don't think that's a good idea. I asked her again at my grandaughters graduation and she said that my grandaughter was scared to fly.

    When my husband and I took her out to dinner I asked her why she was scared to fly. She said I'm not scared. So that is her motherplaying her ganes to get
    back at me cause my son never married her.

    Now why in te world would I even think o helping her with her daughters tuitin with the way we are treated. No acknowledgementthat we are even her grandparents. I am totally fed up with that family and while I hate to take it out on my grandaughter, I think by not talking to her or e-mailing her for a while
    she'll get the hint. Thank you Trinity for listening ((((HUGS)))))

  12. animal lover

    animal lover New Member

    (((HUGS))) Hi there Hound dog,

    Yes i did he same with my son. He was brought up to respect his ellders and also write thank you's. I would sit with him and do it.
    He didn't like it, but to me when someone takes the time to recognixe you. they deserve a big thanks.

    My mother brought my sister, brother and I up the same way. I think alot of people just do not have the scruples (hope I spelled that right
    And you are right. Our society is selfish. It's all about me,me, me.. Thanks for listening

  13. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I haven't had a card or a call for Christmas, my birthday, Mother's Day, any of it in years. It's really hard when you invest yourself in making them happy and recognizing them and they do nothing for you and write you off like you don't matter. I hope that you and your husband will make a reservation at a nice restaurant for your birthday. Not Applebees, but someplace quiet and special. Then make a promise to yourself that from now on you will treat yourself with the honor that you deserve. You can't make them behave. They just aren't going to do it right now. And don't send a card to any adult who hasn't sent you a card in the last year. Maybe they'll call and ask if you forgot them, and you can tell "Oh, well I never got cards or calls for my special days so I thought that we weren't doing that anymore." How old is the granddaughter? Old enough to write a thank-you card if you send something? If so, does she? If not, send a "Happy Birthday" card and tell her you'd love to see her and talk to her and leave it at that.

    Your children are grown up now. It's time to put you and your husband first again.
  14. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Witz is right, it's time to put you and your husband first. I don't know why your family is not recognizing the important days in your life but if I were you I would stop going out of my way to do nice things for people who don't respect me or treat me with simple considerations. I don't get brithday cards or calls from my sister or dad but it was because of a falling out a couple years ago so I understand. That relationship will never be repaired. But for family members who have no reason for treating you that way the best way to deal with them is to stop the effort that you are making toward them. Perhaps when their special day goes by without being recognized they will stop and think.

    I know it sounds as if I am holding grudges or getting even but I'm really not. I just see no reason to set myself up for diappointment with people who could care less about me.

    Happy Belated Birthday! My husband's birthday is today. I'm sure he will not get a call or text from difficult child.

  15. animal lover

    animal lover New Member

    :thumbsup: Hi Nancy,
    I qite agree. I was just hoping maybe by sending him at least a card (that is my son) It would keep the door open and maybe shed some light
    on why we don't communicate or I should say. He doesn't. Same with my granddaughter like I said in the one thread. She really don't acknowledge
    either my husband or I. And not toeven thank someone for showering you with gifts. Yeah I've about had it with her too. I did send her a b'day
    card too only not to hear a thank you or send me one. My b'day is the 13th of June. My sons is the 21st of June, My grandaughters is the 16th of
    June and her mothers os the 28th of June.

    I'm aorry to for what you are going through. We all think our concerns and problems are bad until we here somone elses. I'm sorry (((HUGS)))

    by the way my name is Nancy too. I can also go by animal lover or Nanners. Thanks for listening

  16. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    Animal Lover,

    First hugs and a late Happy Birthday!!! I agree with doing something for yourself on Mother's Day and your Birthday. You deserve it!!!! I am an Animal Lover to! What kinds of animals do you have at your house?
  17. animal lover

    animal lover New Member

    Hi Jody,
    Thank you for recognizing my b"day. You know I dearly love all animals, but because of my alergies and asthma. I am unable to hae any
    animals in my house. We had a cat for a while, but she was outside. One day I set her food out for the day and she never came to eat it .
    2 days went by and no sissy. That was our cat's name. I still believe a coyote got her, but there is no evidence of a coller or anything.

    We were going to get another cat, but we both do not feel right about it. I don't want the same thing to happen. I realy miss her, but
    thete is nothing I can do. Thanks for listening. (((HUGS)))

    Animal Lover or Nanners
  18. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    When I met my hubby 13 years ago we were both employed at the same company and he had just been transferred to my office from another state the year before.Each summer he would spend about $4000 for airfare and trips to Disney, staying in hotels, eating out at nice restaurants, etc. for his 3 daughters. We paid for EVERYTHING!

    The rule was only 4 at a time (2 adults and 2 kids) so they rotated visiting us each year. After we had been together 4 years he was laid off and so he retired. The 3 daughters expected me to continue to pay for the trips. They all worked and there was no way I was going to pay to send them on vacations that were more expensive than we could afford.

    They did not send Father's Day, birthday, or Christmas gifts not even a card and many times no phone calls. I was buying the 15 grands gifts and I was never send a thank you either. THEN they started asking who was the beneficiary when he died!!!

    When each of the grands reached 18 we stopping sending the generous gifts that we were never thanked for, they are now all adults except for a few. BUT WE DO NOT HEAR FROM A SINGLE GRAND -- EVER!!

    He was deeply hurt that his children would totally ignore him and not visit unless WE paid for it, but he has come to realize that they are selfish. About 3 years ago one of the daughters had been telling him how she could not afford to buy all of the 'start to school' stuff for her kids and about 4 months later she spent 2 weeks in Italy - he was shocked but it opened his eyes! In some respects it is his fault, he felt guilty when he divorced and he always spent money generously and gave them way too much money and they expected it to continue.

    My difficult child son has never remembered my birthday and he probably never will - if I 'forgot' his I am sure he would be shocked!! He usually calls on Father's day and Mother's Day.

    My daughter always remembers us both on all hoildays. I also exchange gifts with 3 sisters and my mother. Hubby and I usually go out to eat on special days or take a long weekend trip. I buy myself gifts LOL!

    It sounds like you are financially secure so enjoy your money, you earned it! I have let mine know that I intend to spend it before I die LOL!!!!!!!!!!

    Be kind to yourself and your husband, and as was sugested, ignore them for a while and see what happens.
    (((blessings for us all)))