Feeling sad for daughter in law and my grandchildren...

[lovemysons]

Just got off the phone with young difficult child's wife.
Apparently she and young difficult child talked til 5am the other morning and were planning on "running away together and starting over".

This plan didn't last long as young difficult child told his wife (yesterday) that he is still with this new woman he has met at state psychiatric hospital and doesn't know when he'll end this (new) relationship..."give me a couple more weeks" he says.

daughter in law just revealed to me that she has been seeing, talking, texting with a newly divorced older man. She told me about him...that he has 18 yr and 16 yr old daughters from his first marriage. That he enjoys children and family life. That his second wife divorced him because a stepson had died of leukemia and she wanted a new start. That he has his own business, a lake house in another state with a boat and would like to take her and the kids (my grandchildren) there this summer. And Honestly...I am okay with all of this...as long as she takes this slow and really pays attention to his actions...not just his words.

Young difficult child's first love are his pain pills and alcohol...NOT his family.
I am ready to see daughter in law and the kids in a stable environment with a loving father figure that puts them FIRST.

Yesterday, daughter in law woke up when my 6 yr old grandson came into to tell her that he had a bad dream. daughter in law told him "so did I." Grandson asked what the dream was about and daughter in law told him..."I dreamt I let daddy come back to live with us". Grandson said, "Don't worry mommy...I know you would never be THAT DUMB in real life."

How sad is that! My grandson has been experiencing life with my young difficult child and does not want his daddy there at home with them anymore. And I told her that I believe her children WILL blame her if she continues to let young difficult child back into their lives...Only to pursue his pain pills and alcohol again and again.

The whole situation is heartbreaking as I could hear her begin to cry as I expressed to her that I knew that young difficult child was "her first real love"...but that she and kid's are not his.

True, a new relationship in the making right now is awfully fast...but I can't control daughter in law anymore than I can control young difficult child. I just want what is best for her and the grandkids...and sadly, my son is NOT what's best.

LMS

 

[Childofmine]

Wow, LMS, I applaud your generosity and ability to see clearly what is. And the heartbreak of daughter in law and of you. And your precious grandson(s).

What an example that is, and what selfless love---realizing your precious grandchildren may be going in a new direction that is better for them.

Seeing our difficult children clearly, in the bright powerful light, is healing. I am getting there. Thank you for this post and your example.

 

[BusynMember]

If you are on really good terms with daughter in law, I have a suggestion because what she told a six year old about her dream was in my opinion not the best approach when a child has a drug addict (or any type of criminal) as a DNA father.

My son Sonic's birthmother was or is a died-in-the-wool drug addict and had five kids, all drug exposed, and had walked out of rehabs (paid for on the taxpayer dime) eleven times. Yet I don't want Sonic to feel that his birthmother, one of his DNA genetic connections is a bad person, and, behind the drug abuse, she is probably a very good person because Sonic is a doll. So rather than telling him that she didn't love him and put drugs first, blah, blah, blah, I told him that she was too sick to take care of him or any baby. That it was not his fault and that addiction is an illness that makes people do things they would not do if they did not have the illness. I do not want Sonic thinking that a person who is part of why he exists in this world is all bad. Actually, she was probably a prostitute, by her history, as well, but he will never hear that from me. Maybe it would be kinder if daughter in law explained your son that way to their children. Not for his sake. For theirs. They are still 50% his DNA and they will live with that and how they perceive him is partly how they may perceive themselves. Even "he was very nice before he got sick. I wish you had known him then" would maybe also be nice. I had to think very hard about what to tell Sonic about his birthmother (he has never had an interest in his birthfather, which is good, because I have no info on him, not even a name). Again, this is NOT to enable your difficult child in the eyes of his kids. It is because they will partly build their identity based on what they think their birthfather is like.

I am such a cynic that sometimes I almost have to laugh at myself, but I'm not thinking that this is a good love match for your daughter in law. She is probably partly a difficult child too, right? Just guessing here. He is much older than her and has kids close to her own age. Yikes. Also, he has already been married....twice?? She doesn't really know the real stories of why, but I can't figure out why somebody young would want to gamble on somebody who failed at marriage two times. Also...I think it is soon to introduce your grandkids to this man, but this is just all my own feelings and my own opinion. I believe the kids need more time alone with mom, mom needs time alone to grow, and I would not be a bit surprised if this new love fizzled fast. It would be easier if she kept the kids out of it until she was 100% sure (ok, well, nobody is ever 100% sure...maybe 95?). If this were my daughter, I'd be gnashing my teeth and having to swallow hard and fast not to say, "It doesn't sound too good to me."

Remember...one day at a time. You don't know what is going to happen tomorrow.

I do think that Mom should refrain from confiding too much in her tiny children, but you have no control over that.

It is brave of you to be gracious and wish them well. Let's just stand back and see where this leads. Big hugs and lots and lots of admiration for your attitude and sadness for any sadness YOU feel. Whatever happens, you will find serenity and peace one day. We will all work together to help each other.

 

[Mrs.McNear51]

Tammy-

As always, I keep you all in my prayers. So sad for everyone involved. It is time for daughter in law to move on and make a good life for herself and the grands. I too, hope she takes it slow and gets to know this man before she makes any big decisions about him.

difficult child is going to have to accept that it was his choice to continue the lifestyle that will not include them anymore. It's just so sad.

Gentle hugs for you my friend, be good to yourself and hang in there.

Much love,
Julie

 

[Valentine mom]

Hello LMS,

I am just off to bed but I had to comment. I agree with MidwestMom and Mrs. McNear, and I would like to encourage you to advise your daughter in law please take it slow and be careful. I am on this board because of my own beautiful daughter that has been dating a twice divorced man with 1 child from each marriage, who is 17 years her senior, and very wealthy for a year. It has been a nightmare. There is a reason our guy is twice divorced and why he goes after young women. She chose to be with him so that she could be "taken care of" but our entire family( including my daughter) is paying an awful price. She's receiving gifts and trips and a roof over her head, but she's losing her soul and her life is very skewed by the unsavory life behind his money. My daughter is paying a horrible price for not taking responsibility for herself. I want her to find love, but this relationship is not even making her happy. Money is blurring my daughter's vision, as to why this man wants a relationship with her. Money is wonderful, but the guy isn't! She dated a similar type prior to this one, and she didn't learn from that. Of course every situation is different so daughter in law's experience could be totally different but don't jump too fast.
My daughter was hurt from an early twenties love that didn't work out the way she wished and now she wants an easy way to the future and I understand how your daughter in law must hurt from her marriage, but for the sake of your grandchildren she should be very cautious. I know that you and I can't change things but I hope the best for your family.
Take care-
Valentine MOM

 

[pasajes4]

My dear friend......I have no words of wisdom just gentle hugs for your family.

 

[lovemysons]

Thank you all for the wisdom and care.

I think I am just SO disgusted right now with young difficult child that almost ANYTHING looks better in light of who he is!

See, the other day, young difficult child let me know that I should have aborted all 3 of my children. That I was unprepared to be a mother and "give love unconditionally."
Now mind you...his definition of "unconditional" is that husband and I continue to give and give and give until we bleed to death!

MWM, your insight is amazing. And yes, daughter in law is a bit of a difficult child too. No drugs or alcohol, thank God, but she still won't think with her head...only her heart. And she is VERY sweet and a loving mother to my grandchildren. But darnit! She and young difficult child want to be taken care of the rest of their lives!
I will talk to daughter in law about how to talk to the kids (when appropriate time arises) and also some questions she might want to ask herself regarding this "new man".

I think young difficult child may be manic right now. As you all know, I have Bipolar Disorder and young difficult child was dxd at age 14 but we couldn't get the medications right then and he has only accepted until recently at State psychiatric hospital, a diagnosis of depression (not Bipolar).
He is taking Lamictal...which by my google reading seems to suggest that he could go from a very depressed state to a manic one. I even asked daughter in law last night if she thought young difficult child sounded excited, euphoric, etc when talking to him...she said "*I* felt crazy after our phone conversation the other night!"

So, we are likely dealing with mental illness swings and daughter in law's deep sadness along with grandson's...none of which I can control.

As you said, MWM, Let's just stand back and see where this leads.
LMS

 

[Childofmine]

LMS, you are getting good advice but once again realizing you can't control your daughter in law---what she says, what she does, how she does it---and who knows the future?

I have been wrong so many times when I "play the movie" that it humbles me.

I used to think I could project all outcomes, but I can't.

Of course, moving slow and saying little and being kind are always the best courses of action, no matter what the situation is.

I also sense you have made tremendous progress on letting go---not just of your difficult child but of all people, places and things, and I hope you don't put that in jeopardy.

I am finding when I get too focused on ANYBODY other than myself in terms of fixing or managing or making something happen, I am headed down a slippery slope that won't end well.

Peace to you today. I love your image of Standing Back. That is what I am working on, right now.

 

[toughlovin]

LMS,

Hugs to you. It is so hard to realize that we dont think our sons, who love dearly should be or able to be in a healthy relationship. Your love for your grandkids (and your daughter in law) shine through as you see young difficult child clearly for who he is.

TL


Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[lovemysons]

Thank you childofmine,

The "letting go, surrendering, accepting what is, detaching"...these things certainly did not happen over night. It has been a looooooooooooong process.

It's difficult too when they're young. People tell you to do this and do that, go here, try this that, blah, blah, blah...and so we did.

Here is a recap of the "adventures with young difficult child".
At around age 13, young difficult child and his brother began "experimenting" with drugs. We were living in our dream home (that we had worked 15 yr to get to) in the mountains of Colorado, outside of Denver. After my son's drug use became apparent, I grounded them, took computer priveledges away, had meetings at our home with other parents, etc...and eventually gave up our home in the mountains to move back to Texas where SURELY they would enjoy the childhood life they once knew and get back on track!

Within 4 months, both of my son's were caught (young difficult child huffing glade and Oldest difficult child using Cocaine). We, upon the advise and recommendation of the school system, sent them to a highly recommended Drug Rehab. Young difficult child was there for 4 months and oldest difficult child was there for 6 months. The Rehab basically wanted us to give Oldest difficult child up to the state of Tx as he was deemed untreatable...CD to the max, a potentially dangerous criminal as he was also very intelligent, charming, and good looking. Enough so, that one of the Rehab staff members (age 19 we understand) came to our house to "be with" oldest difficult child after he was discharged.

Then came Alternative school. Oh, and meawhile oldest difficult child was handcuffed and lead away at school to jail for making terroristic threat towards another student...he was later expelled.
Alternative school didn't last long for young difficult child and he too was later sent to Jail school, then kicked out of jail school, and so we sent him to a "wilderness boarding school" program in Montana. He lasted 9 days there...they were ready to send him to their more "punitive program" in Jamaica! We spared him from that one and drove to Montana to pick him up.

Then came Juvie after he destroyed his room and stole jewelry from us...we left him there for a month. Oh and then there was the time oldest difficult child pulled out a knife and threatend to cut himself, police called, oldest difficult child almost getting shot across the street from our house with all the neighbors looking...I wanted to crawl under a rock and die. I was so scared for both of my son's.

And another time when oldest difficult child pulled a butter knife out on young difficult child and was taken to jail (after young difficult child had called 911) for aggravated assault. The judge decided to drop that case.

Then...more on young difficult child...We tried church school and homeschooling...finally we just let him get his GED.

Then young difficult child decides to marry at 18. Gets wife promptly pregnant and joins the Army. We house wife with us...
Then young difficult child gets kicked out of Army...General discharge under honorable conditions.

Then he comes home and starts working for husband...while oldest difficult child has been in prison rehab for over a yr for stealing over 10K worth of computer equip from one of husband's clients...a law firm! Eventually husband loses that client.

Then oldest difficult child decided to spit on a police officer while in ER waiting for a bed as he just overdosed on pills. He is taken to Jail instead of psychiatric hospital. He eventually goes on to hit the windsheild of his wife's car with his fist and is rearrested and because of this has broken his probation requirements and eventually must go to prison for a yr.

All the while...we or daughter in law's mother have been supporting their growing family. Last baby girl born while Young difficult child was in Prison for the 1012 yr. They are all beautiful, smart, funny children. All of the grandparents have been guilty as charged of enabling due to the grands.

And so here we are...Young difficult child was given a Truck, a Job, a phone, rides to AA meetings and his Parole officers, only to give it all up within 3 months. He told us, "It is my body and I can put whatever substance I want in it". We in essence told him it is our house and we do not have to allow you to live in it.

He had a job with his brother's business then. He gave it up after fighting with people and decided to work for competing company. That company fired him within 3 weeks.

And so he has been "hospital hopping" for many months now. He does have a "bad back" but moreover a serious pain pill addiction. His wife even things that he might have "thrown himself" down the stairs at times to make his back worse. He even claimed one night several months ago, that he got "hit by a car"...more like he jumped in front of one! I am not kidding. THAT is how much he wants his pain pills.

So now he is at State Pysch hospital. He has met a 37 yr old who is making him feel temporarily like he is a good guy who's been done wrong.

Anyway, I wrote a book, lol.
But you can probibly see the extent of just how "conditional" our love has been. Did I mention through all of this has been a easy child daughter who has had a few of her own struggles...little doubt she has paid a price for all that we have been through for her brothers. But don't worry, she is a survivor, and I am ever so proud of her!

Thanks for letting me share...and for caring.
As I said, it's been a process. Young difficult child turns 25 next week...Feb 19th. We are know longer at the Mercy of popular wisdom from authorities who are telling us what to do. husband and I can finally "let go and let God". It's been a long road to get here...but I refuse to turn back. I give my son his life to live. And I am allowing myself to have one too...
LMS

 

[Childofmine]

LMS, thank you so much for giving me the background of your life. So, by your story, it takes a good 10 years to get it!

I still have a ways to go, obviously, and seriously I do have a ways to go...but I have made tremendous progress!

I have posted much of my son's path on other threads---don't want to bore others by repeating, but I will give a recap:

***colicky baby, formula intolerance, cried a lot, fussy, I quit my full time job to work part-time from home when he was born, had some child care, mother's day out, etc. his brother is 3.5 years older (easy child)
***was a clingy little boy, shy, held back and watched a lot, quiet if he didn't know you, center of attention if he did
***all good til age 13 (like you)---in elem. school straight As, never got in trouble, shy
***he went to middle school and that is when it all started, in 7th grade
***didn't want to be in band anymore (I thought it was the mean band teachers)
was in gifted program like his brother had been, poor teacher was pulling her hair out with difficult child---he didn't "want to be smart" and would basically sit there and do nothing. Very passive aggressive.
***Got paddled for "holding" a girl's ipod---was "just holding it mom". Of course, I believed him but allowed my neighbor/asst. principal to paddle him even though I thought it was really not fair (lol)
and so it went.
***High school, was on soccer team for 4 years, cared about that so kept it between the lines, basically did as little as possible academically, sometimes would do homework but not turn it in (!), worked part time, etc. Was not social, didn't go to football games, proms, but had a few friends/acquaintances
Would say: I don't want to grow up.
Liked excitement---talked about being a fireman, policeman, ER doctor. Likes thrills.
His friends were always "liars." Not me, Mom. Not me. I bought it.
Did prankster type stuff---rode his bike into the neighborhood swimming pool, I made him call and apologize to the Pool Nazis, neighbors who take care of the pool, etc.
Evidently was drinking some (how much?) but I didn't know it and no legal issues or other issues
***flunked out first semester college--2009. went to junior college, he moved out (we paid) to live with his brother (poor brother). That lasted six months. moved back in with me, worked/school part time. laid around, played too many video games, lazy, room trashed, etc.
***ramping up. would follow no rules at home. stole $ from me, smoking pot in my house, girlfriend now, would basically ignore any rules I set forth.
***girlfriend told me later on (one fateful day she sat me down) that he really didn't start most of it until he was about 21, legal drinking age, had to have a "40" every night (I didn't even know what a 40 was...), smoking pot, taking pills, etc.
got arrested first time for hitting a car from behind---he was high, pills found in car, no rx. that is when all of the fun began.
since then multiple arrests, including felonies for selling, stealing from employer, stealing from me, his dad, our neighbors, going to kill himself multiple xs, kicked out of my house again, kicked out of dad's house, homeless x3 periods, one for 30 days, periods of time in jail---longest 8 months, 1 30-day rehab, 1 10-day detox, 1 7-day in state hospital, 1 30-day in rehab, kicked out for failed drug test, then back there for 60 days failed drug test kicked out again. Fired from working at every restaurant in town plus other jobs. Gets mad , they "aren't fair" blah blah, quits or gets fired. No respect for any place he lives. A lot more stresses and frustrations and troubles, but those are the highlights.

Doesn't have a problem. Doesn't need rehab.

I went to Alanon for 18 months when I was dealing with his dad's alcoholism. Stopped when he and I got separated and later divorced. Didn't need THAT anymore.

3.5 years ago I went running back to AlAnon and this time have worked hard to change using those principles. Little by little, I have stopped enabling. I can still believe him when he is in rehab but looking back he has never, never gone because HE wanted to go, just because we pushed or he had nowhere else to go so, well, okay, guess I'll go to rehab.

Who even knows the half of what he has done? The drugs...etc. I know I don't. I probably know 10 percent of it. He lies when the truth would serve just as well. He has the typical grandiosity, incredible immaturity, is super-persistent and annoying to get what he wants, seems to only care about himself, i.e., working out in jail, etc. I don't believe a word he says about anything (but sometimes I still do). My mother had a stroke 6 months ago, he hasn't asked one time how she is. (that hurts me).

For so so long I thought he would grow out of all of this. He has the addiction DNA super strong from both sides, my grandmother and my brother---his own dad, his granddad.

The other day someone said to me, he sounds like a "hardcore" drug addict. That was startling to hear but that sounds right when I think about it. He keeps on doing the same things---ramping up and up---and nothing changes, no matter what.

One would think that living on the street for 30 days would be a wake up call. Or 8 months in jail. Guess not.

As my brother said to me the other night on the phone: You're done. I said yep. He said I can tell. I am done. I want to be done. I want to be able to do what others do on this site and stop in, smile, say hi, and keep on moving. Detachment with love.

Wow this is hard. So you inspired me to write a book, too, lol. But it is good to recap it all in prep for what is next. He gets out of jail this Saturday and will once again have nowhere and nothing. I have my plan in place and that is to get his clothes to him and say let's talk when you get settled somewhere. Nothing more. I really know that for ME (first) and for him I have to completely stay out of the way. I so want to be able to do that this time. Thank you for your example, your story and your counsel.

Peace and blessings to you and to me...and to all of us!

 

[DDD]

Can you believe it? As I was reading your post my quick reaction was "oh..how can they check out the new man to make sure that he is safe?" Then, lol, like a dummy I started thinking "will difficult child decide to follow her?"

I won't go on, my friend. As is very evident I still have a long way to go in the detachment arena, sigh. You're making awesome progress and I'm proud of you. DDD

 

[lovemysons]

TL, Yes, I am beginning to see young difficult child more clearly. He is not the sweet, somewhat awkward, weather seeking, lego building, daydreamer of a child anymore. He is ill. He is an addict. He has a disease and a chemical brain disorder too. I do not like who he has become...I used to think he and I were one in the same in many ways. But not anymore. He wants to be a victim. He wants others to take care of him. He wants to blame everyone. He does not accept responsibility...not for his children and not for himself.

childofmine,
You are such a dear person and I thank you for sharing your story with me. Does it take 10yrs? Oh Lord I hope not...for me it did, but I hope with all the supports you have in place your freedom and that of your son's will come more quickly.
I fought so hard to control all of it regarding my difficult child's. If only I do this or that next, say this or that next...I will save the day! LOL.

8 yrs ago I had a full blown psychotic breakdown...complete with hallucinations (hearing, seeing, even smelling things that were not real). I tried (near the end of this episode) to pull a gun out of a police officers holster and shoot myself. That is when I was taken to the pych hospital against my will. This is how bad things got for me...I finally lost. my. mind.

They say if I ever have another psychotic breakdown that they may not be able to bring me back. I cannot allow my mind to be broken again. It was a horrifying experience.

I don't blame my son's today for this...I was the one trying to play God. I was the one who was going to save the day...save my son's.

childofmine...please keep taking care of YOURSELF.
We will be with you along the way. You are a very kind and a VERY giving person. We can all see that on the board.
You must be very diligent to nourish your own spirit, your thoughts, your life...and always remember that you are not ultimately in charge of the outcome. Faith is SO important in my humble opinion. I tried to be superhuman and it backfired. It almost cost me everything.

DDD,
Smiles...thank you my friend. Your support has always meant so much to me. I'm glad you're proud of me.

Hugs and love to you all.
LMS

 

[lovemysons]

Correction, It was 7 yrs ago that I had the psychotic breakdown and found out I have Bipolar Disorder.

Also, I am having trouble with editing and putting an Avatar on. Could someone "in the know" please help me?

Thanks in advance!
LMS

 

[recoveringenabler]

LMS, your wonderfully generous, kind spirit shines through in every one of your posts. I am so sorry you are sad. You deserve a life full of joy and so much peace............your kindness to your daughter in law and your willingness to let her go is a gift to her and to us to show us how to be so big hearted and giving. Like with our kids, your daughter in law will find her own way, all you can do is offer your wisdom and guidance if she is available to listen, which appears she may be.

You and COM are very dear souls and you are both doing a really terrific job at this detachment stuff, it is so challenging and you both do it with much grace............take exceptionally good care of yourselves as you move along this road............thinking of you both and sending you caring hugs and prayers for peace of mind.

 

[Signorina]

Hey LMS.

I admire your strength and your grace. Your love for you're kids and grands and that you keep your heart open to your DILs chance for a new beginning.

Take care of yourself. Don't think too far ahead. XO

 

[DammitJanet]

My friend, I understand. All you can do is pray that this new guy is a wonderful thing for your grandchildren. You have a good relationship with daughter in law so I would imagine that you can arrange for frequent visits.

 

[BusynMember]

Correction, It was 7 yrs ago that I had the psychotic breakdown and found out I have Bipolar Disorder.

Also, I am having trouble with editing and putting an Avatar on. Could someone "in the know" please help me?

Thanks in advance!
LMS

LMS, I am so sorry you were ill. In that case, you do need to let go and be happy for all and take good care of yourself. You do seem to have the spirit of an angel. Such a loving person. Stay peaceful and loving...none of us here want you to get sick again.

I wish I could help you do the avatar, but I did it once with trouble and don't remember how...lol.

 

[comatheart]

Wow LMS, can I just say I have huge admiration for you! To be okay with your daughter in law moving on with another man, who may someday raise your son's children... wow. That's selfless. You have been through so much with your sons. Ive heard pieces of your story, but to ready the summary all at once is eye opening. I see so many similarities in my own difficult child and that scares me, but you seem so strong. I hope that I am able to find that same peace someday and am able to truly let go and let God. Thanks for sharing!

 

[lovemysons]

Thank you ALL for your reply's of care and understanding.

Spent some time with daughter in law on Friday night. We had a good discussion about drug addicts, raising a drug addict...what works and doesn't work, etc.

To add insult to injury, daughter in law got a call from young difficult child's new love interest on Saturday. This "woman" (think B word) called my daughter in law (only way she knew the number is by young difficult child giving this woman daughter in law's number). This "woman" told my daughter in law how "hot she is, how daughter in law is going to be so jealous when she see's her, how much better in bed she is" etc. Just sickening behavior! daughter in law was beside herself. She said she felt like she was "fighting for young difficult child". She was extremely depressed and my heart just ached for her.

I told daughter in law to let this woman have him! I mean, come on, they met in State psychiatric hospital...they are both sick people! And probably deserve each other!

Yesterday was better for daughter in law...she picked herself up and took the kids outside to ride bikes with a new girlfriend she made recently. She deserves SO MUCH happiness...she and my grandchildren.

Young difficult child turns 25 in 2 days. I have decided to not take any of his phone calls for awhile...don't know how long it will last. But I am angry at him for his cruel behavior towards daughter in law. After all the crap she has put up with...this is what she gets at the end of the day...I will not "reward" young difficult child with even my voice on the phone anytime soon.

I am taking care of me.
I did take daughter in law to the casino with me Friday night. We both lost but had valuable conversation on our drive there and back.
Went to the Casino Sat night too as my Aunt and Uncle were there and I went to meet up with them. Took $100 and turned it into a $1,000...so was alot of fun.

I am reading, trying to catch up.
love and peace to all,
LMS