Feeling sad for Difficult Child

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ksm, Dec 20, 2015.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Almost 18, and no real friends. She claims two friends, but one is out of town for part of Christmas break, and the other she did see for a few hours last night. The one last night graduated from high school in May of this year, and shares an apartment with another girl out of high school. The other girl works as a CNA, DCs friend doesn't have a job, so not sure how long she will get to stay there. Anyway, Difficult Child begged and begged to spend the night with these two girls at their place. Both seem to have boy friends. I just couldn't tell her she could spend the night. No adult (real adult) around. And the girl that is her friend, seems very irresponsible. Not is a bad way, but just kind of a scattered way, like my Difficult Child.

    Little sis is 15 and has a bit better social life. And it makes Difficult Child feel even worse. We just got the diagnosis of static encephalopathy, alcohol exposed, and DMDD. It probably is very difficult for her to select appropriate people to be friends with, hard to make new friends, and keep any. It seems like friends last about 3 months, and most seem to just use her.

    I just wish this was an area I could help with. KSM
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    KSM, I know how hard it is. To suffer with them. For them.

    The thing is, I think we suffer more than they do. And it does not help.

    I was a young person without much confidence. I was quite sensitive and insecure. Over my lifetime I changed. I am still vulnerable and sensitive but I am also capable and self-aware. I believe I became more empathic and understanding than average because of these traits.

    Everybody has their own life to live. They look at it through their own eyes. The challenges and pains, and surmounting them, make them individually themselves. Without these struggles life would not be very rich at all.

    My son is already 27 and I have put distance between he and I. It is better for him and for me. My son has some of the same issues as your daughter.

    He is finding his way. Not where I would have wanted, or what I wanted. But it is his life to live.

    She will find her way.

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  3. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    I think even people that are considered normal still have bad relationships in their life and we learn from that. We learn what friends not to make what we like and what we dislike what is good for us and what is not. The same for your daughter such a thing can not be avoided we could not I am sure she could not either its part of life its how we grow as people.
    Its all part of life and its not a bad thing I do not regret my bad relationships it made a better person.
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2015
  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I agree with this from an adult perspective... But for a teen girl it is a whole different ball game. She has struggled to have friends all thru school. She might have been invited to one birthday party... Where as little sis would have several a year. Same with sleepovers. Very rare. Usually if she invited someone over, but then no reciprocation. Once in 6th grade, she invited 4 "popular" girls over for the night. They pretty much ignored her.

    Teen girls... The most difficult and confusing people on earth. KSM
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This is very hard. On her and on you.

    The thing is this: it happens to everybody. Even the popular girls. They are turned on too. Nobody ever is able to sustain it forever or always.

    The thing is, what in the world can you do? She will have to solve it herself. Or not. Nobody, especially you, can make it better.

    There are people who are totally misfits that make wonderful lives. They develop hobbies, interests. Maybe they learn how to give to others.

    I know you think we are missing the point. The acute suffering of being a teen, inflicted by peers. But the more you suffer with her, the bigger it becomes. If she runs after these popular kids it is worse. If she seeks to befriend another person, who is in a similar situation, by being a friend, she may make a true friend. And learn a life lesson. Or she may become tougher and more independent as a consequence. All good outcomes from my way of thinking.

    Anyway, this is real life. Nobody can change it. We have to live it and learn.

    My sister has twin girls, now about 25. One was always bigger, brighter, quicker , faster, than the other. My sister tried to equalize everything. It did not work. Everybody is different. Life has a way of equalizing thing along the way. We all get our share of suffering.

  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Ksm, I was not a "popular kid", high school was not so much fun.
    I have my moments, but I think I turned out pretty ok.
    Most of us, can count our "true" friends with our hands.
    The best thing you can do for your daughter, is to tell her that many people have the same issue, not just her.
    My son struggles with this also, he is a "different" kid, an old soul.

    High school can be tough, I remember kids being categorized and stereo typed.
    It is not an easy environment for a lot of kids.

    Yes, teen girls and boys are hard to figure out.

    Here is an article I found on celebrities that had a tough time in high school.......


    We are all unique and different.
    Your daughter will find her place, and true friends.

  7. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Ksm, this is one of the hardest things I struggled with, with both of my boys when they were in high school. They are introverts. I am a raging extrovert (lol).

    In h.s., I loved it all. I had lots of friends and was very involved, did it all, the football games, the dances, etc. It was a golden time for me.

    Since then, I have learned so much about how horrible h.s. can be for so many people.

    But still, when my own boys got to that age, I was so bewildered when they didn't want to go to the Friday night football games and dances. They had friends, and were involved in smaller groups, but they didn't seem to be going and doing all the time like I did.

    My Cinderella self just could not grasp it. My older son played electric bass guitar in the football band and the jazz band and upright bass in the youth symphony. He also played hockey. My younger son played soccer all four years. They had friends but from where I sat, it didn't look like that much fun.

    Realizing that they are so different from me (introverted) has been a lifelong challenge for me.

    Watching our kids not be happy is so hard. We know that friends get us through it all. Today, my younger son (Difficult Child) doesn't seem to have many friends, but he does have one person he talks about. I just can't do that for him. Maybe he doesn't need friends like I do. Just trying to accept reality and what is. I can't fix it, even though it is hard to watch.

    Hang in there. I'm glad you are getting clarity on what is going on with her. That is the first step to doing something about it. We're here for you.
  8. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    Not everyone needs a load of friends. These days, people seem to claim friends in the hundreds on rubbish like facebook, and most of these 'friends' they would probably pass in the street without recognising them.

    I had one close friend in high school and a load of other so-called friends, who were really just a load of :censored2:es (female dogs). I always preferred the company of a good book to a company of gossipy girls and still do.

    Both my older children hated high school, and so what, it's just something to survive for a lot of people, including me. Life begins really when you leave all that institutionalism and set out on your own. Making and losing so-called friends is a learning experience for everyone, not just those with challenges.

    I would try and 'chill' as my son would say. Your daughter will find her own way.