Feeling sad today....

[mof]

Oh RN...

I can tell that conversation was exhausting! I bet your heart is a bit broken...I'm almost feeling bad. Monday is our son's 20 birthday and he asked IF he was getting presents...My hubby said he gets to start his life again at home, I said I would buy him one outfit ( he is bigger) and he goes out to eat with the family. Sorry, but...it is what it is!! Grandma really wants to get him something, I said a Publix gift card..he can walk to ours to get soda etc..

Is it bad that's its like a prison? Better than a real one! Deep down, do you think he would attend classes? I only ask, because our son would eventually like a certificate in something, but has no clue what..he admits..he just needs to work for now. You can live in a soberliving home and take classes..you could try that where he is..but we have shelled out enough, when hes ready and HE comes to us and says HE is ready, we will gladly pay tuition.

You can always change soberliving houses..maybe out of Fla. They have them everywhere. I know you both will do what's best.

I smiled about the room service..WE NEVER DO THAT either!!LOL

I have prayed for you all..hugsMof

 

[RN0441]

Yes it's all a bit exhausting.

He is not really in sober living right now. He is still in IOP.

He says he wants to take computer classes but isn't doing anything about DOING IT. He doesn't seem to be motivated to do ANYTHING. What the hell.

Apparently my husband has given him a piece of his mind about how we feel and what we think. He thinks that is what I wanted. So now their day probably won't go smooth.

Oh well it is what it is as you say.

 

[RN0441]

So ready:

I wish I would have kept my mouth shut and stayed out of it. When will I ever learn?

I just put a negative spin on all of it and my husband told my son off in a way but maybe that's good that he got it off his chest and maybe they can still have a good day.

I just don't know. I don't know if him yelling at him will do anything. He'll just tune it out.

 

[mof]

So is IOP a residential program? Our son atteneded while in SL. But they can also attend while at home if they dont go to a SL.?

 

[RN0441]

Mof it's a treatment center. Sober living comes after this. We want him to graduate the program there then he goes to sober living.

My husband feels bad seeing him live like that. I get it. I really do BUT he is fine. His needs are being met. It's a nice house; son said nicer than last one and I saw that one and it was way nicer then any place I lived at his age and on my own. He can see the ocean every day. Give me a break.

That is why I don't want to see him. My tough love would probably go out the window and I'd have a struggle going on inside of me. I don't have any energy for that.

 

[mof]

He is lucky!! Our son did an expanded residential treatment, and chose to enter SL. It was not nice, but far from Prison like...typical College apartment type. But he moved..and is in a nicer neighborhood...but the apartments are OK, he was OK..it is a learning experience living with other young men, some have degrees, some are felons working to clean up their life....these men look like our children!

There is NO privacy..the doors don't lock, and staff barges in. No like home, but they have freedom to go to work, school, out just abiding by rules as in mtgs and must work. Our kid has attended almost two mtgs a day for 7 months! Geez, thank goodness something stuck!!

I agree with you, he is where he needs to be. There is no timeline for this...ugh

 

[BusynMember]

Think about it. Would your husband feel better if he lived at home staggering in on drugs?

Your husband is thinking with his heart, not his head, not in the future. The fact is if your son comes home from where he is being well taken care of and treated, before he is ready, will he feel better?

I get his father heart hurting, but I think he is in denial about what a serious problem your son has. in my opinion you have a more realistic view. You care too. Your heart bleeds too. But you dont want to do Rehab IV.

Hugs.

 

[RN0441]

SWOT he doesn't want him to come home.

But thinks he needs to be in school. I set him straight. I said school in sober living.

My husband isn't as deep into it all as I am. I'm on this forum a lot daily. Reading, listening and taking it all in. I see a therapist also who is privy on addiction parenting.

He is thinking about him making a living for himself so he doesn't depend on us financially.

I think he looks at him as a non addict. When he is sober it's just what you do. You see what you want to see. It all sucks.

 

[BusynMember]

I'm sorry, RN. I get it. There are many who dont see our addicts as addicts. I knew my daughter smoked pot, but not until she started really losing weight, alarmingly so, did I know it was addiction. And then we found her and her "friends" having a pill party...well, then I knew. It was not just pot. She looked like she was a walking dead person...

 

[jetsam]

I understand about leading with your heart not your head... Its a struggle! My husband has done it several times not getting that it just stalls them and enables them to do more of the same. Last jan. my son got evicted from the place he was staying...4 guys renting rooms in an apartment well they lived like pigs and after 3 months the landlord kicked them out. So there he was on probably the coldest night of the year, out in the cold. MY husband couldn't stand the thought of him out there with nowhere to go and the thought of him riding the subways all night scared him. My thought was he needs to b out there to hit rock bottom to enable him to change. My hubby couldn't do it so now we have our adult son back at home again!!! I agree with you ...head not heart. Heart got us into this in the first place. good luck, praying for you

 

[RN0441]

My husband told me that A (son's girlfriend) dad died of a cocaine overdose many years ago. Her half brother (her dad's son) also went through addiction - I guess he's doing okay now and her mother is in the hospital with the last stages of liver disease. She had just been in a week ago but got out.

She is at the hotel with my son and husband for my son's birthday. Ugh this is all so depressing and sad.

 

[mof]

It is...is the girl the same age? I'm surprised they let the guys date....and my son couldn't get a 24 hrs pass untitled after the first 6 wks. Poor girl is going to be left alone due to sad family situation.

Your husband is kind in including her. Her poor mom..Poor her..Poor you.

Maybe your son will see the great family he has.

 

[RN0441]

She turned 18 in June but a senior in high school so must have started late. My husband met her and said she is a very nice girl.

She gave my son a watch for his birthday. I had bought him one in March but it broke.

She has a grandmother that lives next door so she has her at least. She also has an uncle that is supposedly very wealthy and runs......hold on for this one.....treatment centers in Florida. We don't know any details. My son never asks questions so we were surprised to find this out.

They won't let any females into the house but they don't tell them what to do on off times.

He knows he has a great family. He's said that. I don't get it. That's not what makes an addict change though. Lots of them have great families - like on this forum!

 

[mof]

Omg...He runs treatment centers...I did chuckle out loud!

 

[RN0441]

Hey maybe we can get a deal??

 

[jetsam]

maybe group discount.. lol sorry couldn't resist

 

[Kathy813]

So your son is allowed out and can go an dates? And he can spend the night out? I don't know any prisons where that would happen.

in my opinion, your son needs a very structured living environment at this point. I don't believe he will be successful in school until he is truly in recovery. You said yourself that he is not taking any initiative with the online class.

Dating in early recovery is usually frowned on. I am surprised that the IOP even lets that happen. You are supposed to be working on yourself with no distractions in recovery. We were told at one of our daughter's family sessions that dating is discouraged for the first year.

Did you say that your son is staying at her house tonight? The same house where he overdosed? Will there be any supervision? Are you sure that there are no drugs in the house?

I know I am being a negative nellie but I just see all kinds of red flags here.

~Kathy

 

[Albatross]

I think he looks at him as a non addict. When he is sober it's just what you do. You see what you want to see. It all sucks.

Hubs and I have to make extra effort to clarify how we each see son and what our best next steps are. As you say, we see what we want to see. My husband used to hold what I thought were ridiculously high expectations for my son about going back to college at the time it was an extreme challenge for him to get up earlier than 4 PM and take a shower every day. I am sure hubs would say there were many times I assumed the very worst possible scenario, based on nothing more than my fears. Hubs would be right.

I so hope they have a good visit, RN. I am sure your son has been very excited about this.

Yes, there are a lot of red flags that concern me too...but my son went AWOL from the most restrictive rehab in the county and stayed sober the longest at the one with the most freedoms. I guess the one that's best for him is whichever one has the program he's working. I hope he is ready for that soon.

 

[mof]

Group discount...that would be great! We could car pool for visits....lol

 

[ColleenB]

I've been away for ten days visiting my sister, and it sounds like it's been rough for you RN!

I'm glad you stuck to your guns with your husband. I get his concerns around school, my husband and I get like that too...hence all the tuition money we have wasted!

It does sound like your son is in the best place for him right now. Sounds like he has a nice girlfriend, I often wonder if my son had a girlfriend if it would complicate things, or make him want to stay sober? I think it doesn't really matter ultimately, they do what they want regardless of relationships.

I haven't spoken or seen my son in over two weeks. It's weird. It might be the longest I've ever gone. Sadly, I don't miss him that much, at least I don't miss who he is right now, I do miss who he used to be before drugs...I miss that kid everyday....

You sound strong and sure of your decisions RN, that's great, and I'm happy for that resolve you feel towards your son's current situation, I think that shows real growth...

Colleen