Feeling Sad!

[standswithcourage]

I just feel sad for the whole situation. I went to see him today at the jail after taking his medicine up there for the millionth time. This time they listened to me and said they use something other than his prescribed medications to help him. Anyway, I went to see him and I can tell he hasnt taken his medications because he is emotional. He starts with wanting to come home on house arrest that that is the only thing that will help him and he wants help for pot, pills and alcohol. He would stay at home, go to drug classes, take drug tests, go to work, etc. - not hang with his old friends IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD - how can I believe this?!!!!! Over and over - I said we have already done that a million times and he said I didnt have an ankle braclet on!! What is the difference? Anyway I go away feeling sad and maybe even alittle guilty because I just dont think it would work - I cannot baby sit my whole entire summer - I am sure he wouldnt want to go with me everytime i went out the door and I wouldnt want him too - he is 24 so.................. I already know what you think but tell me again! I am so disraught and I did call my counselor today and make an appointment. I feel for him tomorrow - he asked me if I thought he would go to prison and i said I dont know. That is the hard part.

 

[witzend]

You asked us if you should go and everyone but me said "no." I said you should only go if it would make you feel better. Do you feel better?

I went to see him today at the jail after taking his medicine up there for the millionth time.

Is it not his fault that he is in jail without his xanax?

He starts with wanting to come home on house arrest that that is the only thing that will help him and he wants help for pot, pills and alcohol.

Didn't you do this last month?

He would stay at home, go to drug classes, take drug tests, go to work, etc. - not hang with his old friends IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD - how can I believe this?

You can't.

Anyway I go away feeling sad and maybe even a little guilty

Well, you probably should feel a little guilty that you keep getting sucked in even though you know it's bad for both of you. I don't understand why you don't go away angry because he is so FOS.

I cannot baby sit my whole entire summer - I am sure he wouldnt want to go with me everytime i went out the door and I wouldnt want him too - he is 24 so...

WTH are you even talking about? Babysit him? Are you really that naive that it would even cross your mind?

I already know what you think but tell me again!

Please remember that you asked for this.

I feel for him tomorrow

You feel what for him tomorrow? You have been going through these exact same motions with his same self-created BS since last August. You feel that he is a man that has to stand up and face the music for his idiotic, self-destructive, knew this would happen someday, decisions? Because that is what you should feel.

he asked me if I thought he would go to prison and i said I dont know. That is the hard part.

What is the hard part? That he could go to prison? That he expects you to have the answers? That should be hard for him.

You say you want us to be tough and tell you the truth because it is the only thing that keeps you strong. I'm confused. You think this is "strength"? You didn't do anything anyone advised. You did make an appointment with the therapist, I'll admit. But the point was to make the appointment with the therapist and talk to her about how not to go see him and how not to bring him drugs and how not to obsess about him. You know, you don't get to cry about how hard we are on you when you ask for advice, saying we keep you strong by telling you what to do, ignore the advice, then ask for more.

Again, I'm not the nice one in the family, I'm the blunt one. Someone else will be nice I'm sure. But bringing him drugs in prison is just beyond the pale. And I don't care if they are prescription drugs, considering he's addicted to them. Let me give you a hint. They aren't going to give them to him this time, either. Tell him to take whatever it is that they are giving him in there or go cold turkey.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Tell you again? OK.

NO.

He can go to a rehab is he is that serious about getting help. And he is a big boy and can set that up all by himself.

 

[Abbey]

You go, Witz.

Actullay, she gave you excellent advice, as hard it may be to receive.

He's 24. Time to grow up or accept your choices. You need to take a beach vacation.

Abbey

 

[meowbunny]

So long as you're willing to help him with his drug use and abuse (and bringing him prescription drugs that he's abused previously is definitely enabling), this circle will continue. He'll cry to you, you'll feel guilty, you'll come here to ask what you can do, we'll keep telling to do nothing, you'll keep ignoring us, he'll fall on his face and be back in jail, he'll cry to you .....

Talk to your counselor. Go to AA and NA. Listen to what the addicts are saying. Go to Al-Alnon and Narc-Alnon and listen to what the victims (and parents, spouses, etc. are just as much victims as those that are beaten and robbed for the drugs) say. Quit listening to your heart. The advice it has given you so far has not stood up very well -- for you, your son or your family.

One thing for certain, at least we know where you son gets it from. You know the answer, you ask anyway. We tell you. You blithely do what you want. Sounds exactly like what your son does to you. He's addicted to drugs -- prescription and other. You're addicted to him and maybe this board. Maybe it is time both of you stood on your own two feet and quit asking and started DOING.

In the meantime, I love to gamble. So, would anyone like to make a bet with me that son comes home again (provided the court lets him out)? I'll even take odds. Or maybe we should have a pool on when he lives with you again and you go through the same old garbage.

I know this sounds harsh -- probably almost as harsh as my last post to you but people have tried being kind and gentle. You've told them how much their words meant to you but did not follow through. We've tried telling you like it is. It has meant nothing to you. So, why do you ask?

One other thing ... Why do you post in the PE forum rather than the drug addiction one? I know your son is grown and out of the house (sometimes) but it seems like that forum would have been more helpful to you.

 

[witzend]

Well, he's not a murderer, so he will get out of prison eventually. I'll give you even odds he's at her house within the week of release. I'll also take odds that he is drug seeking at the ER within the day, and that Susan will feel bad that he suffers such awful anxiety and he needs his xanax.

 

[standswithcourage]

Have no idea - just thought it was a safe place to land - oh well I think I will say Goodbye again. I will just PM people from now on. thanks

 

[standswithcourage]

Also I dont like you unkindness and your intimidation. That is pathetic. You are about helping people - so what - maybe some people are not like you - those that have it all together. It must be nice. Dont worry - I wont be asking for your advice again. I can see that you will make fun of me no matter what. Really sad.

 

[witzend]

Believe it or not, this is the help you need. And I hope that we will never be a soft place to land for a parent who supplies drugs to their addicted child.

 

[CAmom]

Please feel free to PM me...

 

[CrazyinVA]

Stands, I know that no one here means to hurt you. You are hurting so much already. But when I opened your post, and saw you'd gone to visit your son after you told us you weren't going to, I had to scratch my head, too. Your reaction to your visit could have been predicted (and maybe it was) by many of us here. No one likes to hear, "I told you so," but it's so hard to watch someone make the same mistakes over and over.

Which brings me to my point. This IS a soft place to land. All of us DO care, even if some of us do so in a gentle way, and some of us do so in a more blunt way. All of us have been there in one way or another. Comforting you, and giving you advice, and watching you fall again and again and ask why, is really akin to what we all go through with our own children.. and what YOU go through with YOUR son. You know that frustration you feel with your son, when you see him mess up over and over? That's what we're all feeling. When you say WHY about your son's behavior, we say WHY about yours. Can you see that? Maybe if you can, you'll understand how some people here feel. Because you know what? You're an addict, too. You're addicted to your son and his addiction, you're obsessed with it. Bless you, but you are.

You can't detach and be responsible for your son's feelings at the same time, it's impossible. You can't love him into recovery. You can't do anything.

If you are in al-anon, you should know the first step. Our lives have become unmanageable because of another's addiction. You can't move forward until that step is accepted and mastered. Until you accept that, all the advice in the world isn't going to help, and I'm sorry to have to tell you that. It's the same for your son. Until he's ready to change, nothing you do will help.

Please don't go. Listen, digest. Have you tried to get an al-anon sponsor yet?

 

[hilarity]

Mine is 18 now - I have this silly idea that when he turns 19 he will be age of majority and I won't have to deal with all this crazyness anymore, I can see from everybody's posts that this can be a life-long way of life.

Believe it or not, your post has given be the strength and foresight to now I have to tuff up now or nothing will change. difficult child has two court dates tomorrow - one for a felony in adult court and one in juvenile court a few hours later for probation revocation. I'm looking at things differently now.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Susan, If we continued to baby you and tell you "aww poor you" over & over...we'd be as guilty of enabling you as you are of enabling your son.

You say "it must be nice" for those who *get it*. Newsflash~ YOU are the only one who is stopping YOU from getting it! You ask us "how do I go about getting it?" We tell you and you do what you want anyways.

Witz is not "sad" or "pathetic" for being tough on you. It is sad that as soon as you don't like what someone says, you run away from the board. It is pathetic that you are even remotely entertaining the idea of allowing your son to screw up your family's life AGAIN by allowing him in your home.

It IS a soft place to land. But you have been "landed" for a loooong time...

 

[donna723]

Stands, I completely agree with what everybody is telling you. You keep coming back asking the same questions again and again, apparently hoping that the "advice" you get will be different this time, but it won't. Don't ask for advice if you don't want to hear it.

If your son has a history of abusing prescription drugs, what on earth are you doing trying to bring prescription drugs in to him in jail? Just out of curiosity, who are you giving these pill bottles to when you go to the jail? I have worked in a State prison for 22 years and I can assure you that no jail or prison would ever allow a family member to bring in any kind of drugs or medications to an inmate! Never in a million years! You're wasting your time and your money. Xanax inside a prison or jail would bring big bucks! And PLEASE don't even think about trying to sneak medications in to him because you think he "needs" them! You can and will be arrested yourself if you get caught trying to do that! Our visitors are not even allowed to bring in their own medications, even if they have a valid prescription. Their vehicles CAN be searched and if any kind of drugs are found, the visitor is detained and usually arrested. It is a FELONY to attempt to bring any type of drug, alcohol or firearm on to the property of a correctional facility, even if you don't attempt to bring it inside!

And if he's asking you to do this, that's really something for you to think about, isn't it!

 

[witzend]

Just out of curiosity, who are you giving these pill bottles to when you go to the jail? I have worked in a State prison for 22 years and I can assure you that no jail or prison would ever allow a family member to bring in any kind of drugs or medications to an inmate! Never in a million years! You're wasting your time and your money. Xanax inside a prison or jail would bring big bucks!

So, can we venture to guess that there is a very mellow guard in this jail driving a very nice car?

 

[DammitJanet]

Donna...I wondered the same thing about the rx medications. I couldnt even give cory a book much less his rx medications. Everything they are prescribed has to be rewritten by their doctor and ordered through their pharmacy. I could have taken his written rx to the jail so they saw he had a current script...but not a filled bottle.

 

[Suz]

Susan, I have sat back and read your posts and the many, MANY kind and SOFT responses everyone has given you the last few weeks.

It was only a matter of time before they lost patience again.

How could they not?

There isn't any parent here who doesn't have your best interests at heart. You might not want to hear it but, oh well!

I got chastised awhile back for insisting that sometimes the kindest thing we can do for you is to be candid...and I am saying it here...now... again.

There also isn't any parent here who hasn't walked in your shoes and who doesn't know what you are going through. Our collective hearts break for you. Truly. But at some point we all put on our big girl panties, sucked it up, and started acting as a PARENT, not an enabler.

I wish you much luck in your reflection into your own actions and motivations.

Suz

 

[Steely]

Thinking of you during this really hard time. I wish there was more that I could say that would help.
None the less, sending you many, many buckets of cyber hugs.

 

[donna723]

Witz, it could happen. But she didn't really make it clear who she was trying to give the medications to at the jail, or if they were actually taking them from her and not giving them to him (throwing them away), or if they were just refusing to let her bring them in. You never know what might happen in a county jail or a prison either for that matter, but if she tried that where I work, she'd probably be arrested! But NO correctional facility would ever allow a family member to bring in any kind of drugs or medication to an inmate, especially one with a potential for abuse or one that could be sold or traded to other inmates.

Just about everywhere you can be charged with a felony for trying to bring in any kind of drugs, prescription or not, to any correctional facility, or even bringing them on the property. Where I work we have big shakedowns four time a year, usually on visiting days. They direct everyone to a side parking lot and if they try to turn around, a State Trooper goes after them! They go through every inch of your vehicle and all your possessions. As you enter the property there are several HUGE signs saying that it's a felony to bring in drugs, alcohol, or any kind of weapon. And you would not believe what some visitors have in their cars! Open liquor bottles, whole cases of beer, butcher knives, any kind of drug you could imagine, even guns and ammunition! They have a regular convoy taking them off to the county jail! And if they find a large enough amount of drugs, they can confiscate the vehicle! Gone!

 

[donna723]

Janet, they do it that way because if you brought in a bottle full of pills, they would pretty much just be taking your word for it that they were what you said they were!

Even with a prescription, our inmates are never allowed to keep their medications with them in their cells, unless it's something like some antibiotics - something with no "street value". For anything else they have to go to the clinic to get their medications, one pill at a time. If they take it three times a day, they go to the clinic three times a day. A nurse gives them the medications one dose at a time, watches them swallow it, then checks their mouth to make sure they're not hiding it.