Feeling sad...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ksm, Apr 14, 2013.

  1. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I have come to realize that I don't know how to have a normal parent/child relationship with my difficult child. I want one... and I am pretty sure difficult child wants one, or at least doesn't want all the arguments. But, the only way she can NOT HAVE AN ARGUMENT, is to get her way, when she wants it, how she wants it. It doesn't matter that I am only trying to keep her safe, educated, and out of the court system.

    She has 2 D's, an F, and a C- but has an A in choir. SHe has blown thru all her money from Christmas, birthday and babysitting. She dresses inappropriately. Just came home with half her bra showing. I am just sad and overwhelmed that I don't have any positive feelings towards her any more. And I don't know how to improve my outlook. Right now, a positive outcome would be that she gets thru high school and doesn't get pregnant or in juvie. Sometimes that doesn't even seem like an option.

    In about 10 days I see the neuropsychologist and hopefully testing will be orderd. Just sad, discouraged and overwhelmed. KSM
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sending understanding hugs your way. I'm guessing many of us can relate. I'm becoming somewhat hopeful that perhaps easy child/difficult child and I might have a good relationship. A few years ago, heck even a few months ago, I wondered if that was ever going to be a possibility.

    With difficult child I am fairly certain we will never have a great relationship. We have our good moments but they are few and far between.

    I hope they order the testing so you can get a more complete picture. I'm sorry today is so sad. Praying things start to improve.
  3. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    The heart breaking thing is I look at my relationship with my middle child and it is totally different then the relationship with difficult child. The relationship with my infant is already different than the relationship with my difficult child. She did not want to be cuddled as a baby or a toddler. As soon as she could crawl she did her own thing. The sad thing is when she noticed at 7 years old that our relationship was different then the one with her brother. Recently her brother went to stay at her dad's and she stayed here with me we had some fun which was totally refreshing but within a few days she had gone back to difficult child behavior all the time. I feel for you it hurts to admit these things to ourselves and keep persevering anyway
  4. buddy

    buddy New Member

    This touched my heart too. I've had a hard week trying to like Q. The nonsense arguments, the mean words, the demands, the threats....

    I told some friends that I took Jj (Quin's service dog) to a dog park while I was waiting for him to get out of his four hour social skills class that i drive nearly an hour each way to get him to...

    I was worried bringing JJ into the park. I was sure something would happen. Watching him like crazy, afraid he wouldn't play nice. Afraid he wouldn't come when called. Afraid other dog parents would come and complain about him. PTSD anyone?

    But he played, had a blast, i laughed with the other doggie parents and I felt so happy. But also felt sad that i never got that with Q. Yes, it's different...but it was therapeutic. I'm gonna do it every week.

    It was nice to just be a typical dog parent.

    It is really sad to love our kids so much but have to face some hard realities about our relationships with them. I'm sorry you feel blue. I get it.
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I know how you feel ..............sending understanding hugs and caring thoughts.......
  6. Rabbit

    Rabbit Member

    Sending Hugs
  7. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    I've been feeling the exact same way lately. There are times when I don't even want to be in the same room with difficult child, let alone have a normal relationship with him. I harbor alot of anger towards him and I'm not sure if I will ever be able to let go of it. Everything we do, every decision we make is clouded by the question "What about difficult child?" and that is just not what I ever thought I would have to deal with as a parent.

    I think I would feel differently if we saw that he would at least admit that he has problems that we are working on dealing with, but he thinks that he should get everything he wants, exactly when he wants it. There would be no problems if we just gave in to his every demand. We don't do that and we don't make easy child do that, and that is where the problems start and they just pick up steam and go from there. He's bored and the rest of us should have to stop everything to entertain him. I refused to make easy child do that yesterday and it caused an afternoon that was not fun for any of us. Thank God it's Monday!

    I was thinking this morning that I just have to get through the next four years and then I'm sending him to college far, far away from here, but right now four year might as well be four hundred years because I have no idea how I'm going to get through it. Good grief! I'm not even sure how I'm going to get through the next day. Four years? It seems like a lifetime right now.

    It's been a bad week here because husband and I are struggling with parenting this young man and it's causing HUGE problem within the marriage. We're falling apart, and to say that is devesatating to me would not be an understatement.
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I understand your feelings because I've been in your shoes, exactly, when my granddaughter hit 13 and began acting out in the way yours is. The shift from my having been just 'grammy' to my having to be parent, was extremely difficult. I felt all the same things you are feeling as she remained completely defiant, resistant to any normal behaviors and blamed everything on me. Frankly, after being lied to, manipulated, and blamed, the stress level in my home being off the charts and my reaching a point of no return, she went to live with her other grandmother who had been fighting me for her.

    My granddaughter had always used going to the other grandmother as her 'way out' and I finally agreed to let her go. It was horrible in so many ways for me, but I just couldn't sustain the abusive way I was being treated. After 6 months at her other grandmothers my granddaughter began changing. She saw, on her own, how her anger at her mother, her anger at what had happened in her life, was all directed at ME, the one person who had consistently been there for her, loving and caring for her. She wanted to come home. I insisted she stay for the year everyone had agreed to, which was a shocker to her since she thought as soon as she wanted anything, she could have it and she wanted to come back to me. She had to wait another 6 months. If I tell you that she came back a totally different person, that would be the understatement of the century. She has been back with me for 2 years and it's like night and day. She had to realize on her own that her behaviors were reprehensible and that I didn't deserve it. I hit a wall that I just couldn't get over and that changed everything. I'm not advocating your granddaughter go live somewhere else, I am just telling you that I completely understand how debilitating, depleting, disheartening, depressing, overwhelming and stressful it is to be older like we are and have to deal with a wounded teenagers actions. Every day of my life then was a nightmare...............I really get it.

    You mentioned in another thread about going back into therapy, do it. Find yourself support, get into parent groups, focus on yourself because otherwise this struggle you are in will continue to make your life miserable. I hope the testing on your granddaughter gives you some solutions, but in the meantime, make sure taking care of you becomes the PRIORITY. Find ways to detach from her behaviors, she may never change, but you can change your responses to ones that take care of you and bring you peace. Hang in there and seek help. (((HUGS))))
  9. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your insight. It is good to have some one who has been there done that. I wish there was another grandparent who would step in!! Her biomom's parents live almost 1500 miles away... and they are in their 60's and 70's. That grandma still works and her husband isn't in the best health. Plus, they couldn't handle biomom as a teen so they are not an option. My exhusband and his wife are also far away. Both sets of grandparents are the kind who call occasionally and send a birthday and christmas gift. So no help at all.

    In a way, I think it is worse than a normal adoption with a child that grows in to a difficult child... as you know - all grandkids are easy child! because you don't have to live with them and give structure to their lives. So you have a easy child that turns in to a difficult child. Maybe it would have happened anyway... And I know that we are probably doing a way better job than biomom ever would. She has called once (on Christmas day) in the past 10 months. She didn't even call on the girls birthday.

    Now that gardening time is here, I always find that time pulling weeds and tending plants is very calming for me. I hope to start walking more - as the weather is pleasant for a couple months before the heat becomes unbearable. I worry about the summer - as difficult child had several things she could do and give us a break for a couple of weeks, but since they are church based she refuses to go to camp or a trip to another state for a youth conference. So we are stuck with her... and she with us. I worry about even letting her spend afternoons at the pool - as she could leave with boys or kids she doesn't even know. She needs one more year to have a part time job. She just turned 15 last month. I need to edit my profile - but I can't seem to find how to do it!

    Anyway, thanks for sharing your experience as a grandma raising a teen. KSM
  10. IT1967

    IT1967 Member

    At least they're your grandkids, and not your kids. First on Saturday, difficult child 1 was a nightmare. Now today, it's difficult child 2. I NEVER get a break. We still aren't totally set with-medications and just started difficult child 1 on the thousandth different medication. These past couple weeks have been pretty bad for me.
  11. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Yes, but we adopted them... so now they are our kids... the double loss I was talking about is losing "grandparent status" and gaining "parent to difficult child status" No fun. Grandparenting was much more fun! KSM
  12. IT1967

    IT1967 Member

    Sorry, I didn't catch that! They're lucky to have such supportive family.
  13. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    KSM, to edit your profile go up to the top right corner and click on settings, then scroll down and look on the left hand side, it will say edit profile, click on that and make any changes you like and then save it.

    From one grandma to another, hang in there, I know you're having a rough patch, go out to dinner, have a massage, go get a facial, do something totally nurturing for you, and do it consistently!!
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Just lending support, Ksm. I hear you.