Feeling so bad for a co-worker

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by KFld, Jan 19, 2007.

  1. KFld

    KFld New Member

    A friend of mine at work who I have known for many years through our kids and working together at previous jobs, just found out yesterday that her husband is a cocaine addict and I feel so bad for her. I saw it in the paper yesterday and she's aware of my difficult child's addiction, so I called her this morning to let her know I'm here if she needs to talk and she started crying telling me that she didn't even know until it showed up in the paper yesterday. He was arrested for posession over a week ago, hired a lawyer, the hole bit, and never told her until it came out in the paper!!!
    My heart goes out to her and I told her if she wants to go to an alanon meeting, call me anywhere, anytime and I'll walk in the door with her because I have been there done that.

    I'm sure it's much different dealing with a spouse then it is your child, and she said she doesn't even know if she loves him anymore because she has been through so much this last year not knowing what was going on. I do know she needs to get herself some help though.
  2. amstrong

    amstrong New Member


    It breaks my heart to hear this. I know exactly how she is feeling. My dex is still an addict and going through that while married to him was gut wrenching. I stayed married to him for 3 years after finding out about his addictions as I took my marriage vows seriously. During that time, he attempted to get clean and sober via treatment centers/halfway houses, etc. Alanon saved my life and taught me about what a strong vital person I really am.

    I don't know her but I am praying that she too will find strength in this unwanted adventure she is embarking upon. I can say now, 15 years later that I am glad I had to go through it as again, I learned how strong I am and it prepared me to deal with whatever difficult child can throw my way. Although difficult child is not addicted and has only dabbled slightly-the behavior is still there and I am dealing with him in a manner that i could neverhave done had I not dealth with the dex.

    I will include her in my prayers.
  3. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Thanks Robyn, I keep running into her in the halls and the look on her face is just so heart wrenching. When I went down to see her this morning in her office I gave her a huge hug and she was just crying hysterically. I feel so bad for her because this is just the beginning of this adventure for her. I feel for her children too. She has 3 ranging from ages 19-14. Her husband told each of them individually last night and she said they took it surprisingly well. I told her they are probably relieved to know there is a reason he has been acting the way he has been for the last year. Not being familiar, they probably think this is the end of the problem, not realizing it's just the beginning of a long haul. Hopefully she will get them the help and support they need to get through this together.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you are available for her. Most of us, as you well
    know, have to go it alone. Having a trusted friend at your
    side would surely make it easier to bear. Hugs to you both.
  5. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Oh, I do feel for her.
    Here's my story. Please share it with her.

    When I found out the husband was using crack, I almost died of shame. I knew for years he was addicted to oxycontin after a back injury---I had watched him cold turkey several times---but the addiction kept calling and when the oxycontin ran out---after he lost his job and insurance---he tried crack to "quell" the withdrawals. That was the end. It only took 3 months to hit bottom. By the time I found out my mortgage, car payment, insurance, light bill, phone bill, and every other bill I owed was 3 months past due and our checking account was overdrawn by $2000.00. I was about $15,000 in the hole. I was destitute. I was angry. I was hurt. I was humiliated. Tell your friend to seperate the financial picture now. Open an account in her name. If she has direct deposit have HR change it immediately.

    I couldn't believe that it was happening to me. The kids and I all knew something was different---they had all seen his car at a dealer's house---but, we are upper middle class professionals---we both come from loving families. I had been in such denial and felt like such a fool. Tell your friend to find a group to talk to. Alanon is great. A church is great. Find a group to support her.

    He did get clean and has stayed that way. He knows if he ever uses again that I am gone. I did see a divorce attorney a few days after I took him to detox, but I had been to one alanon meeting and had read a lot of infomation and knew that a divorce on top of everything would destroy the kids. I decided to give him a 2nd chance. Tell your friend to follow her heart.

    husband went to detox willingly and wanted to come home. I told him no. He went to a program and after about 6 weeks he came home (He had a lot of responsibilities with his invalid family) even though I didn't feel like the kids and I were ready.

    It took the kids a long time to forgive him. difficult child has just recently let go of his anger. PCson still habors some resentment, but he hides it most of the time. Tell your friend to make sure that that the kids get counseling. I made mine go even though they didn't want to.

    It took at least a year before I trusted him and sometimes I still wake up at night, and if he is not in the bed I have to go look and make sure he is in the house. I still have my own checking account in just my name. I love him, he loves me, but I don't think our relationship can ever be the same. Some part of me still hurts too much.

    He is a good man. He is a good father. He is a good husband. He was an addict. He was sick. He is well now. Tell your friend that there can be happy endings.
  6. Lori4ever

    Lori4ever New Member

    I am glad she has you to help her. As 3D said, many have to go it alone. It is a hard road to be on. You'll both be in my prayers. This is never easy.
  7. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I just read a good book, its a new realease called, "Broken". It is written by William Moyer, his father is a famous jouralist. It is his point of view about how his life as a cocaine and crack addict was a total and absolute lie, he did get clean, after many attempts. This happened after he was married. His first wife left immediately, the second wife helped him but went through alot herself. I would recommend this because these would be your friends two options. Both things are hard but do-able. I'm glad she has a friend in you. Hugs to you both.-Alyssa
  8. KFld

    KFld New Member

    From what I have heard, her marriage has been on the rocks for many years, so I think this may just be the thing that is going to end it. I have known her for a long time and her kids were all into sports and very involved in all kinds of stuff and it was always her carting them around, going to all their events, meetings, etc. and he never had the time. I think to an already strained marriage, it's going to be hard for her to get past this with him. She said her and her kids are going to stand behind him while he gets treatment, and then she has many decisions to make after that.
    I told her to call me for alanon and I also told her about the wonderful counselor husband and I saw during our tough times and she said she would probably be asking for her number.
    I'm not going to call her over the weekend, because that isn't really the kind of relationship we have. We work together, go out with friends at work together and we confide in each other during work hours in regards to many things. I want to give her the space she needs, plus she has many friends out of work that I'm sure are there for her, so I'll touch base with her first thing Monday morning, if I don't hear from her in between.

    Thanks Katmom, I will share your story with her.
  9. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    It's important to have the solid rock work friendship Karen. I'm sure she'll have many questions and will appreciate all that you do.

    My work friendships have gotten me through more days than I care to remember.