Feeling so sad today

[Lil]

It's been probably August since anything was stolen, since he's been gone to school virtually all the time since then, and we're still finding things missing; cd's, a 6 cd changer that we never used (box was there, empty), stuff like that. I truly wish my son understood how much this has hurt us. I wish he had that feeling in his heart so he really regretted what he's done. Last night I had a dream that he was home and I walked into the room he was in and asked if he'd seen my watch. He said he'd sold it. About then I woke up. Now I don't have a watch worth anything, but the first thing in my mind when I awoke was to look in my jewelry box. I don't own anything of value, he knows that, and I really thought that burried under all the junk jewelry was a safe place for the one thing I own that I really do cherish, my mother's wedding rings.

Obviously, they aren't there.

I also had a few little gold chains that I had gathered up thinking I might sell them for cash at one time, but they were worth so little, about $100, that I didn't bother. They're missing too and an antique Avon watch pendant that was my mom's that really didn't mean anything to her. But the rings just rip my heart out. My mother died when I was 22. I've missed her every day of my life since.

Of course I texted him, told him we're still finding things missing and asked about the jewelry. I was casual, just saying I'd like to know if they are gone so I can quit looking for them if they are. He insisted he'd never sold any gold and he hopes I'll find them.

Yeah, right. If he didn't take them then one of his low life "friends" did. I could be wrong, but I don't think I am. I expect that I could tear my bedroom apart and not find them. I will look more, since I only had a few minutes this morning and had to go to work..but I don't think I'll find them.

His bank account is not only empty, but overdrafted $3.00. We didn't put overdraft protection on it so he isn't able to go over more than a couple dollars. We're closing it today. I told him, there's no reason to leave it open since we won't be giving him any money. $1680.00 taken out in just over three weeks. I'm so freaking disappointed in him.


I hate when I dream about him anymore, they seem to always come true. Back in October I dreamed he'd come home for Thanksgiving and told us he'd sold his laptop and fridge and that he wasn't going to go back to school until January. I actually made him text me photos of the laptop and fridge and we laughed about it. Of course, then he came home for Thanksgiving and turns out he had sold them, texted me photos of someone elses stuff, and hadn't attended classes - he didn't go again until he managed to get the school to let him reenroll. The next one I had he was the new "Breaking Bad" of the town he's living in. My husband told me not to worry much about that one, because he's too lazy to actually run a business, even selling drugs.

At this point I no longer expect anything from him. I don't expect he's actually going to class. I don't expect he's looking for work. All I know is that come the end of the semester, we're taking back his (our) car and he can stay in that town and starve. I'm done. But it still breaks my heart.

 

[Tymica]

Lil I know the feeling. We actually hadn't noticed anything missing. That was the one difference between my difficult child story and many others on this board. Up until our house was broken into about a month ago we hadn't seen anything go missing. Until this past weekend. We told difficult children grandparents about him going to rehab this weekend and they revealed to us that since he was there for the weekend a few weeks ago they noticed money missing from thier house and my mother in law ran out of her pills (that she thought she had locked up) 10 days early. Im so heartbroken over that more than anything else. That my son would steal from his grandmother. ((((Hugs)))) Believe me, you came to rant at the right place.

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[DDD]

Sending understanding hugs to you both. I wish I didn't "get it" but sadly I've found items missing that truthfully I never would have envisioned being stolen. I don't even know when they disappeared because they were tucked away due to their emotional value. Even though I have been around for about 14 years on the Board it still hard not to tear up when I "feel your pain". DDD

 

[Childofmine]

We can't imagine it so it hits us particularly hard. We wouldn't steal from anybody, and of course especially from our loved ones. Literally our difficult children steal from the hand that feeds them.

It is said that a drug addict will steal your wallet and then help you look for it.

One time my difficult child took my debit card out of my purse, took $60 out of my account and put the card back. I thought I had lost the card, and tore apart my purse looking for it. It wasnt there. I thought I must have stuck it in my jeans pocket. Then it magically reappeared. That was his mistake. I went to my bank account, which I had not access via debit card for 5 days as the card was missing, and saw that $60 was gone. TO THIS DAY, he says he didn't take it. We were the only two people living here.

I wonder just how dumb they think we are?

He has stolen all kinds of things from me, his dad, our neighbors and employers. And he still says today he stole nothing.

All he knows is he wants what he wants when he wants it.

That is our drug addicted children. They truly don't even connect the dots that they are stealing from US, the people who have loved them the most. They really don't.

We should not take it personally because it truly it is not personal to them. We are just a source to our drug addicted kids---nothing more and nothing less.

Another key saying here: He has shown you who he is. Believe him.

When you can start seeing things clearly, that is the first step toward detachment and your own recovery. Clarity will be setback continually with periods of anger, resentment, bewilderment and deep grief...but over time...clarity will prevail.

You have a good plan Lil. Your eyes have been opened. He has created this situation---him and only him. Don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He has shown you who he is. Believe him.

Take care of yourself now. It's now time for YOU. I am so sorry for your hurt and pain today, but you are moving toward clarity. Keep moving Lil.

 

[SuZir]

Mine never stole anything with that much value, in fact worst financial loses were his own things he sold, he didn't actually even steel anything with huge sentimental value (again things lost with sentimental value were his, and I even bought back his confirmation cross, with ten times the amount he got when he sold it, haven't yet given it back to him, likely will some day.) But just the violation of someone you love so much stealing from you is so much. And someone stealing from your home. And of course the shame of your kid stealing from others, both extended family and other people. It is huge.

And finding things missing still stabs every time. Even when the things in itself are meaningless. And mine is actually not been stealing in three years now, last item I found missing ( actually a DVD box of one tv series, can you believe) he even fessed up stealing after I had looked it everywhere last summer and offered to buy me a new. But still that feeling of your own kid stealing from you came back with force. Really hate it.

 

[BusynMember]

Lil, I'm so so so sorry about the wedding rings.

Of course he stole them. I agree with COM. They will steal from you while you are in the next room, then you'll come back and ask where your wallet is and the adult drug addict/criminal (which is what our kids are) help you look for them. Of course you don't find them and neither does he, but he is as puzzled as you. He may even hug and kiss you (all an act) because he feels so badly. Actually, either due to the drug use or because some of our kids border on having a total lack of empathy, they never admit it and never express remorse (which makes sense since they don't admit it).

The best thing that worked for me was to learn about radical acceptance, which is basically accepting what is a fact...what is life...whether or not it pleases me. I sat down one day, after my difficult child threatened to come up to Wisconsin to shoot me (I don't know if he meant it at the time, but who says things like that to a parent?). He wasn't kidding. He was calm. I shut my eyes and thought about 36 and all that he was. I pictured him through the years and now and realized that he just plain is not a nice man. He, in fact, feels very little except for his son (I''ll give him that much) and himself. Other than that, he has done some things to us that I can't even stand to post here and I won't. I can't. I spent at least thirty years denying that he was somebody I'd never want to know if he weren't related to me. I admitted he is somebody I could never trust or live with again. The way I was sitting and just thinking, I tried hard to keep the emotion out of it so that my mind didn't start making excuses for why he had turned out this way or to hear his accusations in my head to make me feel sorry for him.

Our difficult children are what they are. Call a spade a spade. Call a drug addict a drug addict. Call a violent man a violent man. Call a thief a thief. Call a liar a liar. It actually, in my opiniion, is a relief when you boldly face what your grown child has become and will continue to be unless he has a huge lightbulb moment and goes through intensive therapy in a gallant attempt to do better. Most of them take the easy way out. They are drug addicts, it is easier to use drugs than to quit. They need money to fund their habit. It is easier to steal even beloved heirlooms from us, who would die for them, than to get some ditzy job that they could do even high. They are NOT NICE PEOPLE. Some are close to antisocial personality disorder or narcissistic or borderline. We didn't cause it and we can't change it and we are allowed to cry and be sad FOR OURSELVES...and for what we wished they had become. But then it is best to move on, with this new radical acceptance of who they are, and make OUR lives good, even though theirs is not good.

We are not our kids and they are not us and just because they made crappy choices and are in trouble is no reason for us not to seek peace, friendship, fun, spirituality, goodness surrounding us, and cherish every single day. We are allowed to mourn, but some day we need to be happy again. Or our life will be as bad as theirs and that will not help our adult children change, do better in life, or decide to get better for our sakes. They don't care about how we feel (unless it deprives them of our money). They don't care about us, period. It could be because of drug addiction. It could be because they are incapable of attaching to anyone or loving anyone. Whatever the reason, it is their problem far more than our own. And, yes, we suffer heartbreak, BUt don't done't have to let that heartbreak literally break us. If we do, we are making our own decision to waddle in grief, although we have no control over what we are grieving.

/when you find out the inevitable, that your son is not going to class, I would not react at all or even tell him you know. Do you really want to hear his lies, his excuses, how it is YOUR fault, blah, blah, blah. I personally try to avoid confrontations when I already know the answer.

I don't recall if you decided not to let him live home again, but if I were you I'd work very hard on detachment skills. Narc-Anon, NAMI or a private therapist (or all three...I used two of those resources) can help you walk this difficult path and come out a better, stronger person who embraces her own happiness and serenity.

It is a good idea to expect nothing from him. But expect A LOT out of your own life and live it to it's fullest. Even if you have to fake your happiness sometimes right now, try to force yourself to hang around with positive people who appreciate your goodness and do the things you love to do. Start to heal.

Wishing you a peaceful, serene night free of dreams or even many thoughts of difficult child. Maybe if he contacts you, you should put him on radio silence for now. You need a break.

Gentle hugs.

 

[comatheart]

Just wanted to say I know how you feel and send you ((((HUGE HUGS)))))

 

[Lil]

Thank you all. I did another, thorough search and they are definitely gone, along with a little watch pendant I don't actually think had any value, but looked like it might. Funny thing is my journey diamond necklace and a saphire bracelet I got from my husband are still there. They were probably worth more than the 70 year old quarter caret engagement ring with the ring wore so fine it wasn't really wearable anymore.

Of course, he denies it. Swears he didn't turn in any jewelry. I don't get why he lies about it. He has admitted so many things and didn't deny any of that stuff. But of course, the very first time we found something missing, he helped look for it. That was such a horrible day, he left home for a week at that time and when he came back he said he left because he just couldn't face us knowing it would never be right. There's been so many times he's shown remorse. Even yesterday he was "I don't know about the ring, but I'm sorry for everything else." Was it all an act?

SuZir, funny you mention the TV series, because before this the thing with the most sentimental value to me was a season of a series that he and I used to watch together. It was the last thing he actually would do with us, until about age 16, every week he'd settle in on the couch and watch it with me; it was our thing.

I told him last night, I'm just so tired of finding things missing. I just want a list of everything that's gone so I will stop being surprised! But half the stuff that went missing, he "didn't remember" taking it or when he admitted taking it but the pawn shop didn't have it or the store didn't refund it, he "didn't remember" what happened to it.

Will he be coming home? I don't really plan on it. But I never planned on him turning out this way either so I better make plans, huh? His (our) car is coming home. He had the opportunity to earn that car twice. When he turned 16, we told him to get a job and pay for the insurance and we'd give him the car when he turned 18. Of course, he's never paid a penny. When he went to school we told him, get decent grades and pass your classes and when you graduate in two years we'll give you the car. It's an old car - a 2001 Escape - but it's 4 wheel drive and a V-6 and has all the bells and whistles that will make it a good trade in at least. Of course, he's failed and won't be graduating, so he hasn't and won't be earning it. I've warned him more than once that the car isn't his and when school is over it's coming home. We've gone so far as to tell him if he disappears with the car we'll report it stolen - and we will. I have to admit, I would just give him the car, tell him license and insurance is up to him and let him go. At least he'd have some place to sleep this summer. But his dad is adament and really, he's given so much because of me that I won't fight him on this. The car comes home.

But will our son? Not unless he wants to live by some pretty strict rules. He'll be 19 and I don't have a problem with treating him like an adult - no curfew, etc. - but he WILL get a job; he will NOT smoke pot (or anything else) in my house (my husband and I are smokers and WE don't smoke indoors!) in fact, I'm thinking of requiring drug tests - that'd keep him out for sure - But if I thought he was just toking up at a weekend party once a month I really wouldn't care all that much. I honestly don't think pot is any more dangerous than alcohol. Not that I want him getting drunk either, but I did at his age, I partied my teenage hiney off in college. So if it was just that I wouldn't approve, but I wouldn't be a hypocrit and say "this is bad". But just like alcohol you can get hooked (at least psycologically) and I think that's happened here; it's not recreational, it's habitual.

Anyway, he's been told there is an actual physical list of rules (which there is) and if he starts making noise like he wants to come home, I'll email them to him.

I guess, like everyone else, I don't know what the future holds.

 

[Childofmine]

Hi Lil, I am so sorry for your sorrow and your pain and your fatigue. I hear it in every word you write.

Just a few thoughts---you are dealing with the hard realities right now and they are so hard to face.

Addict and alcoholics lie. It's part of the disease. Also, I truly think some of the things they said to us they actually believe. And probably when they stole some of our stuff they were high at times so they truly don't remember.

Another thing: When you set a rule or a boundary, keep it. Most of us have taught our difficult children that we don't mean what we say. We set rules, they break them and we don't follow through with the consequences. We do this over and over again.

Today, before I state a boundary or rule, I think hard about whether or not I can actually keep it. That doesn't mean I am perfect at this, and sometimes---but very very rarely now---I don't follow through. We aren't perfect and we are doing the best we can.

Another thing: maybe pot is harmful and maybe it isn't. I don't know and we can't decide that here on this site. One thing I do believe---any mind-altering substance used by an addict is harmful to them. Maybe some people can smoke pot and be okay. Addicts can't. It is a gateway drug for them. As is alcohol. Clean means clean for addicts---no substances, not one bee or one joint.

Then they are not clean. Not clean means using and most of us have realized we can't have an active adult child addict living in our homes. It just doesn't work on any level.

Take your car back. If you own the car, and he hurts somebody with it, you could be liable. It would also be hard for you to have to bear.

An active addict doesn't need us to provide them with a car. My son's car---which he is not currently driving---is in his name. It is not drivable, and he is homeless and has no driver's license, insurance, money for gas, anyway.

The more you can live by this guideline: Am I doing something for him he can do for himself---and then stop that behavior---the better off you will be and the better off he will be.

If he must live with you, I would send him the list of rules ahead of time and ensure he receive them. Then, stick to them. Let him take the consequences of not living by your rules. As many say on this site: Your house, your rules. Period.

Take care Lil. Hugs to you and husband today. This is hard stuff. I hope you are beginning to focus on YOU and are starting a program of recovery for yourselves. THAT is the pathway to peace.

 

[Lil]

Another thing: maybe pot is harmful and maybe it isn't. I don't know and we can't decide that here on this site. One thing I do believe---any mind-altering substance used by an addict is harmful to them. Maybe some people can smoke pot and be okay. Addicts can't. It is a gateway drug for them. As is alcohol. Clean means clean for addicts---no substances, not one bee or one joint.

I know that. I do. That's what I actually mean by habitual, not recreational. To this day (and yes, it might just be denial) I don't think he's doing any other drugs, but he's a stoner, a pot-head, a habitual user of marijuana. I know this and I hate it. This is not a new idea for me. I dated a former addict/alcoholic who celebrated 5 years sober while we were together. He wouldn't even use mouthwash with alcohol. My best friend since age 5, who I lived and partied with all my life, is a recovering alcoholic - as is her brother - and her father. I've seen her try and relapse and try again. She's doing very well now. I know she can't have a single drink. And my son's bio-dad was an alcoholic, I knew when I married him. I was in denial for quite a while, but he had a problem. My husband and I warned our son so many times about alcohol...it never occured to us to tell him addiction is addiction, whether it's beer, pills or pot. Should I think that on the bright side he's never drank much? yeah, no really.

About the car...I know everyone here thinks we should take it back this instant...but we won't until schools out. We made a promise he could keep it until then and we do not go back on our word. We can't expect more from him than we do ourselves. FWIW, he's actually always been responsible with the car, he's a bit lead-footed at times, but that's normal for teenage boys, but he's never gotten pulled over, never had a ticket, and frankly, probably doesn't drive that much.

 

[Childofmine]

Lil, as always, take what you like from all of us on this site and leave the rest. You do what you think is best. Only you know your own situation.

Hugs and prayers for you today.

 

[Nancy]

I'm sorry for your sadness and your pain. We too are missing many things that difficult child denies taking. My dad's service medals from WWII are missing, she claims she knows nothing about them. If she didn't take them then one of her druggie friends did. I'm not even sure my difficult child remembers all the things she stole from us during her drugging days.

Your story is so close to ours and it makes me sad every time I read one of your posts. Those were awful years. Things are much better for us know Lil and I hope the same for you. Be strong and have faith.

 

[wg67]

Lil I totally understand how you feel. My difficult child we allowed her to move back home with her two children. She seemed to be doing good did the rehab meeting etc but after 6 weeks I discovered 6 rings missing I was heart broken. As there was a family ring my hubby and other daughter bought me my mother in laws fam ring and 4 others I cant replace all were gifts from family members from their overseas travels of course she didn't take them. Blame her little brother. Then other things which weren't used often ie clarinet, movies behind a chair on shelf I filed police report and low and behold all my stuff was panned and sold in pawn shop..I got my ereader back everything else was gone. File police report hun you never know they may be recovered I waited to long myself and am sick my rings are gone. I hope you do get your jewelry back hun I totally understand sentimental value. Big hugs hun hope things get better stay strong

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