feeling "stuck" again

[helpangel]

Had another really rough night last night, spent about 8 hours in bed but only got maybe 2 hours sleep. Came to the conclusion yesterday was just a bad day, actually this has been a really rough year. Following the recommendations given here I forced myself to get into therapy for myself. thank you all you probably saved my life (anyway we will see if I survive the next couple months)

Normally I wouldn't try to schedule 3 things on the same day but when endocrinologists nurse called Tuesday night voice shaking on the phone insisting he see Angel yesterday instead of next week; I scheduled it around my therapy sessions.

I understand to make an omelet you need to break some eggs but therapist totally floored me with the ? who is supportive of you? in my mind I wanted to declare you all here at this site, not able to think of anyone who is truly supportive of me in my real life.

I told her my son but that isn't true, only time he wants anything to do with me is when he is hungry or needs a ride (his truck got totaled by a semi while parked a couple weeks ago); also with everything else on my plate he never fails to bring up that 15 years ago when I was having a walking nervous breakdown for like 5 years he would walk slowly home from school worried that this was the day he was gonna find me dead from suicide when he got home. I've never had a suicidal bone in my body, besides I didn't get home until several hours after he did so no car meant I wasn't here.

Yesterday was just too much, still dealing with youngest overdose a month ago, complaint against social worker going no where (was sent paper but they are blowing smoke up my butt, that woman nothing going to happen to her) so now with everything else going on need to contact state licensing board and get them to shut that incompetent woman down.

I look around and can't find anyone in my life who is supportive of me, friends seem to only want me when they want something from me, kids the same thing, my folks can't do anything to help and news of what all has happened would probably kill them so I didn't burden them with any of it.

I think the straw that broke the camel's back was at the endocrinologists office when doctor was giving me Angel's numbers from the labs that came back and Angel said "I didn't take my thyroid medication for a week because my mom didn't get the script filled"; I had told her to take the lower dosage until I could get the insurance thing settled not to skip the medication all together! besides it was 2 days not a week!!! (she has 5 bottles of the 150mcg needed 175mcg.) Besides she has been irregular taking her medications since her 18th birthday, thats how she ended up with 5 bottles of the lower dosage. In spite of my reminding her to take every day, reminding to fill her weekly pill minder every Saturday for the next week, making sure she has medications to take... she's an adult... I can't force it ... breathe Nancy breathe

I've told her straight up blow off your lithium you will bounce off walls, bite someone and end up in psychiatric hospital not knowing how you got there, but your thyroid medication YOU CAN'T SKIP THAT ONE! Thyroid regulates or is involved with every organ in your body and you need that medication or you will die! I did not ever candy coat it that medication is so important...

So the endocrinologist gave orders for her parathyroid nuclear scan and explained how a surgeon is going to have to go in to remove the tumor (or tumors) in her neck... not sure if she has a good poker face or is just too stupid to know she should be afraid at this point. With everyone related to my mother having some mutant cancer gene kicking around their body, I'm scared to death.

Sorry to dump all this on you all, I totally hate pity parties... I don't think that is what this is, my plate was already running over and more just gets piled on there. Guess I'm just afraid at some point the plate (myself) is going to snap and not sure what is going to happen when it does. Being able to write about this does help to lighten the load.

God bless this website and thank you all for being here.

Nancy

 

[dstc_99]

I completely understand where you are coming from.

What I can tell you is that nothing changed until I changed. I stopped feeling guilty when my adult child didn't do things she should. I stopped trying to make friends but I did force myself to get out of my house. Basically I calmed down and stepped away from the situations so that I could breathe and heal.

Amazingly enough I made good friends that I can count on. I am healthier than before. My husband and I are in a good place. Life is pretty good even with the difficult child crap.

I wish you the best but instead of finding someone to support you maybe you could try stepping away from supporting everyone else for a bit.

 

[helpangel]

It's not that I want or expect anyone to support me, it's that I couldn't handle the ? who is supportive of you? it's like when walking the fine line and lady working at corner gas station asks "how are you?" - she doesn't care, it's like a courtesy ask... something you say to regular customers that acknowledges they are a familiar face. Anyway people ask "how are you?" all the time and usually regardless of how you are, you say "fine and you?" but when you are walking that fine line where you are 2 heartbeats from needing to go inpatient and someone asks that... your bottom lip starts to wobble and you can't choke out the word "fine" and you end up spending the next hour crying.

Anyway I've got the lady at gas station, my case manager, and my therapist to change the "how are you?" to "glad to see you" ; it just works better and doesn't put anyone on the spot trying to answer ?s they can't face at that moment.

I'm so glad that you and your husband are in a good place; the last time I saw my girls Xfather was May 2000 said "be back in 2 weeks promise" and I haven't set eyes on him since. Last phone contact was Nov 2002.

I so wish I could just step away for a couple days but considering my 17yo almost killed herself a month ago swallowing a handful of Lithium and Seroquel, um if I'm off base please excuse me but anyone who thinks she should be left unsupervised right now truly does not understand; and except for my son who works full time I'm all she has.

I don't feel guilty, I actually feel proud that while dealing with impossible situations everyone here is still alive at this point.

Thank you for responding DSTC I do appreciate being heard, if I came off as rude I apologize I'm not angry just needed to vent.

Nancy

 

[pasajes4]

Vent away.....

 

[dstc_99]

You're not being rude! Dont worry about that at all. Trust me I am glad you have a place to come and vent or cry or do whatever the h e double hockey sticks you need to.

I guess what I was trying to say is that sometimes when you step away from all the issues and give yourself permission to breathe it helps. Not to say that difficult child doesnt need supervision just that you can supervise without feeling the weight of the world. More of a mental step away from everyone other than difficult child and yourself right now. She obviously needs you right now more than anyone else.

 

[helpangel]

thank you both, I had to laugh when I read my last post thought "yep plate just bent (but didn't snap) and unloaded some of its weight into this forum"

it does help to vent, this kind of pressure if I were made of coal would be a diamond by now

Nancy

 

[recoveringenabler]

who is supportive of you?

Nancy, I do believe that Dr. was asking you an extremely important question, not to be taken lightly, who is supportive of you??

From my perspective, you have just been through a devastation or two or maybe even three recently and you are still standing, but perhaps without some of the usual armor which was just blown off with a few lightning bolts to your psyche and your body...........leaving you feeling your usual state, vulnerable, however, this time you can't cover it up with all that armor. I know this particular gig, it is my very own old suit of armor as well and let me tell you this Nancy, it is a KILLER.

You have to create a supportive environment around yourself and you have to do it NOW. You have WAY TOO MUCH on your plate and you have to start asking for help and start developing connections with people who will stand for you, who will listen to you, who will hold you up when you need that, who will not only allow your vulnerability but cherish it.

Asking for help is the key. For us Amazon women, it is not easy, but believe me, it is necessary for survival, a sense of safety, for feeling loved, valued, comforted and understood. Connection is of utmost importance to us human beings. And, not only the kind where we are the caregivers and the givers but where we are the receivers and the cared for.

Nancy, it sounds to me as if this is one of those "wakeup calls" we have when things reach critical mass and change has to happen to bring us back into balance. My guess is that you've been like this your whole life, that you really don't know a different way, but recent circumstances, recent huge blows have forced you to look at how vulnerable you really are and how, like the rest of us mere mortals, you NEED HELP.

Seeking counseling is very important. And, creating connections with others, friends, lovers, a support group of like minded souls........12 step groups, it doesn't matter where you find connection, only that you find it. Intimacy and connection are what brings us joy, it's what makes our hearts sing and when you feel seen and heard by another human, that risk of intimacy brings us deep fulfillment, comfort, a sense of belonging and.......... love.

You were out in the world as a very young person, all alone out there, and I was in a similar boat way too early as well. To survive, we develop strategies which do in fact keep us afloat. However, once we grow up those very strategies keep us stuck because they armor our vulnerable parts, our hearts, and unfortunately when we armor our hearts to pain, we also armor it to love and connection as well.

I've been on a very similar journey throughout my life and it ain't easy Nancy, but as you are seeing, it is imperative to learn a new way of being in the world so when someone asks you, "who is supportive of you", you can say you have a stable of characters you can name off one by one knowing each one of those characters loves you and supports you, no matter what.

You've been through so much, you take care of your adult kids and their issues, you survived a bad relationship, violence, you've gone through more then most people will in a lifetime and now it's time to take care of YOU.

Sending you loads of empathy and understanding............I've been in those shoes............it seems it's time for change Nancy..........hang in there, stay open and ask for help.........HUGS.......

 

[tryagain]

Recovering's advice is excellent, as usual. She is so perceptive and cuts to the chase with real-life, practical suggestions.

Helpangel-your name may speak volumes. You're an angel helping others, but you've got to help YOU. You are important to so many, whether they realize it or not.

I can relate to fear for a suicidal difficult child. Just yesterday I feared leaving mine alone. But I used this place of sanctuary to vent, and that's how I was able to stop crying and let difficult child be alone. I took the good advice here. And sure enough, I survived the storm.

difficult child appeared today remorseful for the bartending-strip club idea. She was shaking her head about it-So glad I stood my ground on the issue.She's starting to realize how things get out of hand during a mood swing and how she behaves totally out of character during them. If only that would be all it took to prevent them....

Hey, lean on us. We are here for you, just as you guys are the only ones whom I'd tell all this to.

 

[Childofmine]

Helpangel, I just reread the thread again, and wanted to say how glad I am that you are seeing a counselor. You have had too much for too long.

You have gotten excellent advice and support here, and you need to develop more sources of support. What about starting to attend some meetings of a relevant support group? I have found such support and compassion in Al-Anon. Over the past four years, I have gotten to know many of the regulars there. We don't "hang out" outside the meetings much, but there are always opportunities to go for coffee, breakfast, lunch, weekend workshops, and even just make phone calls to other members when we are feeling alone or in crisis.

I will confess that I have not been too good at making the phone calls to other members but this week, when I was distraught, I forced myself to pick up the phone and call someone. Her son has basically been down the same road as mine.

We talked for 30 minutes and she was warmly compassionate, supportive and helped me cut through my fears, tears and pain to see a few truths. She reminded me of my program, and the tools, and that this too shall pass.

I think the best sources of support come from people who get what we are going through. Sometimes others, while well-intentioned, just can't or don't get it, and when we are in mortal pain, their lack of understanding and often careless comments or well-meaning advice cuts us even deeper. I am dealing with that situation with my sister right now. \

The more we can be with people who "get it", the more supported we feel.

This road we are on is unique in many ways. The agony goes on and on and we feel so powerless. We ARE powerless. Our culture says the opposite of what we have to learn to do. Our DNA says the opposite of what we have to learn to do.

And even when we do it all---recovery from enabling and start detaching and accept----and turn the focus on US, our difficult children may still not get better. And then we have to deal with others seeing that WE are better, but our difficult children aren't. They may question what we are doing.

It's hard enough without all of that. But when we isolate and detach from others we love who don't get it, we feel even more alone.

It's a vicious cycle. And a cruel one. We must seek out and cultivate support from people who are on the same road we are, so that we have a "circle of wagons" around us when things are just too hard to bear.

Warm hugs for you today, Help. We are here for you. We understand. Please work to cultivate more people who will already understand---and you won't have to teach them or convince them.

 

[helpangel]

Thank you wise warriors, you all seem to "GET" me better then my family or friends do. I need to keep reminding myself this is a marathon not a sprint; I tend to want to look for the quick fix or just knee jerk things back into place and that isn't going to work this time.

I realize now I just kept piling on more and more armor and instead of getting stronger I ended up so loaded down I couldn't move... I'm not a WWII tank that people are going to put a bench next to and make a park around with a bunch of memorials to fallen warriors. Oh world I'm not done with you yet and I've got to move before birds nest in my hair.

Like I mentioned to my son several months ago "it's time for me to meet a different class of people" it's not that they are bad people they are just each broken (or severely bent) having met most of them when referred to me when they needed an advocate. Being able to accept people as they are without trying to change them I've become a magnet to people diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

I believe an angel sent me that mother cat and her kittens last summer to replace my camping trip (6-8 wks every summer) and to call my attention to a problem, I can help with. It's very therapeutic trapping & hauling in cats for TNR, then giving them a safe space for a couple days to recuperate from surgery, then following up to make sure they have food, water & shelter every day from then on (I find caregivers within a couple blocks of colonies, don't feed other colonies besides the one on my porch myself).

A quote from Abe Lincoln "To ease another's heartache is to forget one's own"

I'm going to stick with therapy, and my woman's support group, also the employment and empowerment workshop. Also gonna continue to make a point of neutering every cat I come across... but I still need to meet a different class of people who I'm not meeting in mental health circles or crawling around in the bushes behind paint shops.

The best answer I can come up with right now is to cut my hair, put my make up on, put on a suit and get up to the courthouse on days don't have therapy or medical appts. Last night I was looking thru the annual report for my county animal shelter and some of those #s are inexcusable, unacceptable. There is a shelter director who needs to be replaced and several bills we (MI PACA) are trying to get passed. Who knows maybe a job offer will come out of it, I would make a great shelter director!

Not only do I need to fix what's broken inside me but feel a need to do something about what is broken in the society I live in; I understand its too big to fix myself but I can make a difference and help. Those animals need someone who cleans up well and can keep a cool head to speak for them; meanwhile I will be bumping elbows with high functioning successful people.

For those of you thinking "another project? she HAS lost her mind" please understand working is how I get unstuck, if I just sit here and over think things... like what is growing in Angel's neck? how to make a budget with no money in it work... I will never get unstuck.

thank you all again for your time, patience, wisdom and this soft place to land.

Nancy >^..^<