feeling the sorrow

everywoman

Well-Known Member
Keep posting, keep talking. Sometimes venting is the best way to move forward. I hope that you know it's okay to feel angry---angry at everything and everyone--A big hug for you.
 

nvts

Active Member
Hey! We're all thinking about you and H. Don't ever feel bad about posting - if you didn't, you'd keep logging in and seeing posts with 3 & 4 pages of "Have you seen Steely?" "Steely, where are you" "Just Checking In Steely" and then you'd get carpal tunnel having to respond to all of us!

Seriously, you've been through the wringer and had to shore up everyone that would have been looking for you to guide them. We're here and we care.

H. is visiting - don't worry. Shoulda, coulda, woulda, won't help and as far as I'm concerned guilt is a useless emotion unless you're using it on someone to get what you want ie: "I slaved over a hot stove, washed your clothes, helped with your homework, I guess I could scare up the strength to put the garbage out...(insert heavy sigh!). THAT'S the only purpose that guilt serves.

Feel better hon, keep posting, lean on us, and don't worry if in one post you sound all hyped up one minute and in the next you're feeling back down in the dumps. You've been through he// and are coming back from it...it's a fairly long, bumpy road but she and we will help you along!

Beth
 

susiestar

Roll With It
I am sending infinite hugs for your infinite pain. I hope you can find some grief counselling. It just was NOT your fault. Don't let guilt get you, H wouldn't want that. She made her choices, with whatever she was struggling with. I am sorry she was too muddled to call you.

Sending prayers, hugs, and lots of comfort,

Susie
 

Abbey

Spork Queen
Steely, the beauty of this site is that is not just for kids in needs, but family's in need.

Don't feel bad about coming out and sharing your feelings. We all do the same. It's a strange kind of friendship, but it is strong.

Hugs to you and your family. POST ON!!

Abbey
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Hugs Steely.

While I never lost a sibling (only kid here), I did go through some of that survivors guilt almost a year ago. I met a really nice lady in a therapy group I attended and we really hit it off. We became good friends. I knew she has really bad suicidle ideation and had been hospitalized several times over it. We talked about it on the phone quite a bit.

One day my therapist...who was also her therapist...called to tell me she had committed suicide. Both therapist and I had a couple of sessions just crying over the "what if's and the why didnt she call ME" It really through me for a loop.

I can think of her now with fondness that is clouded by the sorrow that she felt what she did was her only way out. One day you will get to that stage...it will probably take much longer than it did for me because this was only a friend and not a sister.
 

Marguerite

Active Member
Steely, I used to do volunteer work as a telephone counsellor. There were a number of us, all trained together. We used to meet to debrief about once a month and I remember we often discussed how to handle someone who rang up and said, "I've just taken a load of pills, I don't want you to talk me out of it, I just don't want to be alone. Please be on the other end of the phone for me."
I did have a couple of calls which came close to this but fortunately, they HAD called because they DID want to be given some hope and I was able to give them some things to think about.

But we were taught, and after discussion we realised - sometimes, despite anything we think we could do or say, a person decides that death is their only way out. This is a personal decision and not something they are necessarily doing to hurt other people. In near miss cases the person who tried to commit suicide often is surprised that family and friends are feeling personally responsible, or berating themselves for not seeing it coming in order to prevent.

And this may not have been suicide. There are so many possibilities, including accident. She may have fainted, or fallen, and not even been conscious when she drowned. We just don't know. But one thing I do know, from everything you've told us - you were close, you and she loved each other, she would not have wanted you to feel hurt or personally responsible in any way. The way you feel now - she didn't want this for you. She never would have.

She isn't here now. You are. From here on, you have not only your life to live, but you need to make it a good one for her a well. You have your memories of your life together, your relationship, she is a big part of who you are now. So live to the full, try to find the enjoyment in life and be the strong person you felt you were when she was there for you in person.

This is the hardest time - grief really slows us down. But it is something you need to work through in your own time. Support helps, I'm glad you're getting counselling. A group might be a good idea, it can help keep your own grief in perspective and to also see the stages others are going through, as a forecast for yourself in what to expect.

Also - never compare. Do not say to yourself, "My grief is as deep as the ocean, that person over there only lost a cousin." Nor should you say, "I only lost a sister, that person has lost everyone in their entire family, under atrocious circumstances. I shouldn't be feeling grief while he is suffering so much more."

We should never compare. Grief is deeply personal and you just don't know if you would cope better or worse, if you swapped places with someone. The most you can say is, "We're both grieving. Let's help each other."

That's why you should never feel guilty for posting as much as you feel you are. We all go through crises when maybe we post more than at other times.

And that's how it should be, because in our good times we're there to support everyone else.

Marg
 

Tiapet

Old Hand
I didn't get to meet you but I came across this and I think this is very fitting to your situation and what we're all expressing to you here and now. Please, continue {hugs}.

Support From Others
Author Unknown


Don’t tell me that you understand.
Don’t tell me that you know.
Don’t tell me that I will survive,
How I will surely grow.
Don’t come at me with answers
That can only come from me.
Don’t tell me how my grief will pass,
That I will soon be free.
Accept me in my ups and downs.
I need someone to share.
Just hold my hand and let me cry
And say, “My friend, I care.”
 

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
Steely, everything you're feeling is normal. It's completely understandable--the anger, the frustration, the wishing you could have been there, wishing she would have reached out.
Time will lighten your load. Give yourself time to grieve and heal. I wonder if it would work to literally give yourself a time ea day to think about your sister, sort of like going to church, but just finding a place in your house? That way you can kind of compartmentalize things, and you can better focus on your difficult child and husband and even making dinner.
Maybe I'm all wet but that's my only suggestion to help you through this. Just know you are cared about and your grieving is normal.
 
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