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Feelings about adoption etc.
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<blockquote data-quote="buddy" data-source="post: 535914" data-attributes="member: 12886"><p>It's such a hard subject. I mean, I think there are plenty of bio parents who if asked, would you do it again??? Might say no way. But sometimes I feel like my relatives even say things that make it seem like Q is more disposable (for lack of a better word), maybe more readily pushed on someone else or some other system...afterall, he should be grateful to have been adopted when no one wanted him, right (please be clear this IS NOT MY VIEW of it....I think he didn't ask for this and owes me no more than any child owes a parent). </p><p></p><p>Am I glad I said no to any other placements, yes I am. For me I wish I could have. But for us I am glad Ididn't. Q's bio family: Dad and Mom were married when he was born. They had one other child together, a girl. They were being monitored by social services to be allowed to keep her because mom had five older kids all placed with family except one who like Q is autistic and was adopted through social services. They lost custody of both Q and the little girl (who went with family). Dad on his own had something like 10 or 11 kids with a variety of bio moms. The oldest was murdered at age 18. (I think in prison). What can I say to all of that? I dont knowabout the bio moms to those kids and some may be lovely moms with great kids. Q's bio mom has a really good family and they are raising those they took in well from what the social worker (who also goes to the same church as these people and knew them personally) said. They just could NOT handle special needs, it was too much for them, understandably. Q's bio mom actually decided when she was in the hospital giving birth to have her tubes tied. She was desperate to keep him and the sister. Had been in treatment since before he was born and tested clean the whole time. I feel awful for her. BUT they made the decision to go back to selling (and using I assume) drugs. They crashed the car and could have all died. Q was not even in a car seat. No one was hurt but the car was totaled. The kids were never returned. They were given over a year to pull it together and they didn't. She did not even go to the hospital when Q had his brain surgery, I have a note for Q from her and I believe itwas because she was devastated. Couldn't stand to see him, just too broken at that point. It is so hard and I am glad she had no more kids. They divorced though, and he spent the last three years in jail again for crimes involving drugs. I can imagine there are more little Q's out there. </p><p></p><p>I go from being so mad at them when Q is having his harder days/times to feeling awful for them. And in terms of forced sterilization, even beyond people like that, I know we got away from the terrible situation where all people with disabilities were being forcefully sterilized for good reason. I met a woman they thought was cognitively impaired and as a very young child was sterilized. She had been misdiagnosed with a genetic condition, was small and had motor issues but is cognitively very well. They became foster and adoptive parents themselves. But should Q be allowed to make babies? Sorry, I'd have to say no. He is NOT going to ever have the skills or judgement to care for a baby, child, teenager of his own. No bc pill for boys, so I wish there was a way to do this responsibly. Can only hope he will make the decision himself, because even if we can convince him to use condoms sometimes he wont always. Well, I guess it is hard to imagine a time when he wont be supervised 100% anyway to go on a date, but still....some point someone can drop the ball and then what?</p><p></p><p>I have no answers, but I am glad I adopted. Even when life seems too much, I like you all have said, can't imagine not taking the journey. I love my son deeply. </p><p></p><p>There is a facebook page that is so sad but very real. It is full of people who are adopted and are so angry about it. And mostly searching for bio parents and feeling betrayed by the system and adoptive parents. Some seem to view it as a supply and demand for babies that caused them to be adopted. (try convincing all those kids in the foster system of that). I was heartbroken to read it but said nothing because they have a right to expression of their own truths. most felt there was never ever a reason to adopt. Very broken souls. </p><p></p><p>Just so many sides to the whole adoption experience and yet I know of many many people, have taught many kids who are happily adopted. I have mentioned before my favorite student ever is a girl who was adopted from Russia at age 10 who is one of the sweetest kids ever. You would never know she was not born to this family. They are all super close. I taught her for four years and only saw amazing things going on. (normal kid stuff for all?? sure, but even that was low, they were a sweet family for sure). My friend who has a bio difficult child was adopted herself and is so glad she was adopted (international adoption). I get very mixed feelings when I have discussions about adoption. </p><p></p><p>Bottom line, even more than bio parents, adoptive parents have to be open to a wide range of unknowns and issues. (true of any parent but clearly there are other factors in adoption making it amuch higher risk). Especially when adopting a toddler or older child, serious support and training needs to happen and it is often played down during the adoption process. That does no one any good. I saw a show where the families went to Russia for their first of two visits. The one family took pics etc. to send to an adoption expert, a doctor to ask if she thought the baby had FASD or other obvious issues so they could turn down the referral. I think that is smart. BUT, the mom then said she was worried, she didn't want any kid who was going to grow up and say "your not my real parents anyway" as a teen. I thought she should have just not been allowed to proceed. Her kid IS going to say that if she is a normal teen. Kids will say whatever when they are mad and they will go for the most raw nerve. I just expected it and it has happened. Another family said they wanted their child to grow up and be grateful that she didn't have to be raised in the poor south american town she was fun and to witness to others about how she was saved. I dont think any child should come into a family with a job. Just my opinion, but if this kid just grew up as grateful to her parents as any kid born to a family, that is probably good enough. What baby thinks, thank God I was born to this family and thank heaven they created me instead of some poor family in a third world country)?. (eventually many of us do show gratitude to our parents, etc. not saying that is not going to happen, but you know what I mean, I didn't adopt for my son to be in my debt. LOL thank heaven because that day is never going to happen here!)</p><p></p><p>Clearly I am all over the place on this issue. So glad we all have the right to choices and I am grateful that many kids have the opportunity to grow up in a family, I do believe everyone deserves the chance.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="buddy, post: 535914, member: 12886"] It's such a hard subject. I mean, I think there are plenty of bio parents who if asked, would you do it again??? Might say no way. But sometimes I feel like my relatives even say things that make it seem like Q is more disposable (for lack of a better word), maybe more readily pushed on someone else or some other system...afterall, he should be grateful to have been adopted when no one wanted him, right (please be clear this IS NOT MY VIEW of it....I think he didn't ask for this and owes me no more than any child owes a parent). Am I glad I said no to any other placements, yes I am. For me I wish I could have. But for us I am glad Ididn't. Q's bio family: Dad and Mom were married when he was born. They had one other child together, a girl. They were being monitored by social services to be allowed to keep her because mom had five older kids all placed with family except one who like Q is autistic and was adopted through social services. They lost custody of both Q and the little girl (who went with family). Dad on his own had something like 10 or 11 kids with a variety of bio moms. The oldest was murdered at age 18. (I think in prison). What can I say to all of that? I dont knowabout the bio moms to those kids and some may be lovely moms with great kids. Q's bio mom has a really good family and they are raising those they took in well from what the social worker (who also goes to the same church as these people and knew them personally) said. They just could NOT handle special needs, it was too much for them, understandably. Q's bio mom actually decided when she was in the hospital giving birth to have her tubes tied. She was desperate to keep him and the sister. Had been in treatment since before he was born and tested clean the whole time. I feel awful for her. BUT they made the decision to go back to selling (and using I assume) drugs. They crashed the car and could have all died. Q was not even in a car seat. No one was hurt but the car was totaled. The kids were never returned. They were given over a year to pull it together and they didn't. She did not even go to the hospital when Q had his brain surgery, I have a note for Q from her and I believe itwas because she was devastated. Couldn't stand to see him, just too broken at that point. It is so hard and I am glad she had no more kids. They divorced though, and he spent the last three years in jail again for crimes involving drugs. I can imagine there are more little Q's out there. I go from being so mad at them when Q is having his harder days/times to feeling awful for them. And in terms of forced sterilization, even beyond people like that, I know we got away from the terrible situation where all people with disabilities were being forcefully sterilized for good reason. I met a woman they thought was cognitively impaired and as a very young child was sterilized. She had been misdiagnosed with a genetic condition, was small and had motor issues but is cognitively very well. They became foster and adoptive parents themselves. But should Q be allowed to make babies? Sorry, I'd have to say no. He is NOT going to ever have the skills or judgement to care for a baby, child, teenager of his own. No bc pill for boys, so I wish there was a way to do this responsibly. Can only hope he will make the decision himself, because even if we can convince him to use condoms sometimes he wont always. Well, I guess it is hard to imagine a time when he wont be supervised 100% anyway to go on a date, but still....some point someone can drop the ball and then what? I have no answers, but I am glad I adopted. Even when life seems too much, I like you all have said, can't imagine not taking the journey. I love my son deeply. There is a facebook page that is so sad but very real. It is full of people who are adopted and are so angry about it. And mostly searching for bio parents and feeling betrayed by the system and adoptive parents. Some seem to view it as a supply and demand for babies that caused them to be adopted. (try convincing all those kids in the foster system of that). I was heartbroken to read it but said nothing because they have a right to expression of their own truths. most felt there was never ever a reason to adopt. Very broken souls. Just so many sides to the whole adoption experience and yet I know of many many people, have taught many kids who are happily adopted. I have mentioned before my favorite student ever is a girl who was adopted from Russia at age 10 who is one of the sweetest kids ever. You would never know she was not born to this family. They are all super close. I taught her for four years and only saw amazing things going on. (normal kid stuff for all?? sure, but even that was low, they were a sweet family for sure). My friend who has a bio difficult child was adopted herself and is so glad she was adopted (international adoption). I get very mixed feelings when I have discussions about adoption. Bottom line, even more than bio parents, adoptive parents have to be open to a wide range of unknowns and issues. (true of any parent but clearly there are other factors in adoption making it amuch higher risk). Especially when adopting a toddler or older child, serious support and training needs to happen and it is often played down during the adoption process. That does no one any good. I saw a show where the families went to Russia for their first of two visits. The one family took pics etc. to send to an adoption expert, a doctor to ask if she thought the baby had FASD or other obvious issues so they could turn down the referral. I think that is smart. BUT, the mom then said she was worried, she didn't want any kid who was going to grow up and say "your not my real parents anyway" as a teen. I thought she should have just not been allowed to proceed. Her kid IS going to say that if she is a normal teen. Kids will say whatever when they are mad and they will go for the most raw nerve. I just expected it and it has happened. Another family said they wanted their child to grow up and be grateful that she didn't have to be raised in the poor south american town she was fun and to witness to others about how she was saved. I dont think any child should come into a family with a job. Just my opinion, but if this kid just grew up as grateful to her parents as any kid born to a family, that is probably good enough. What baby thinks, thank God I was born to this family and thank heaven they created me instead of some poor family in a third world country)?. (eventually many of us do show gratitude to our parents, etc. not saying that is not going to happen, but you know what I mean, I didn't adopt for my son to be in my debt. LOL thank heaven because that day is never going to happen here!) Clearly I am all over the place on this issue. So glad we all have the right to choices and I am grateful that many kids have the opportunity to grow up in a family, I do believe everyone deserves the chance. [/QUOTE]
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