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Feelings & Thoughts because of difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="hexemaus2" data-source="post: 192715" data-attributes="member: 4560"><p>Oh man, Deni...I hear so much of me and my son (difficult child 2) in what you were telling us about the fight. Man is he ever good at pushing every last one of my guilt buttons. And for the longest time, I never even realized that's what he was doing.</p><p> </p><p>I thought I was trying to explain to him that I wasn't neglecting doing something for him (like not ordering a specific book he needed for schoolwork, or like not getting the pictures ready for your difficult child) I thought if he knew what was going on, and how much I had on my plate, he might "get it" that I'm really, really crunched for time and honestly just haven't had a chance yet. Not that I'm being neglectful or don't think about him...I've just got alot on my plate and some things just have to come first.</p><p> </p><p>Thing is...difficult children like ours don't "get it." They don't even realize they're supposed to be "getting" something when we try to explain things like we would to another "normal" person. They just hear that you're already stressed out & to them it's like waving a red cape in front of a bull. They get ticked because you aren't thinking about them 24/7 AND they get to see a chink in the armor too. (Our "weakened" state brought on by all this stress swirling.) It's like a shark drawn to blood. They jump on it every single time.</p><p> </p><p>It's taken me a long time to realize with difficult child 2, I don't have to make any excuses about anything. I don't have to explain anything to him. He is a child. Period. He does not yet understand what it's like to walk in an adult's shoes - much less an adult with difficult children in the house. So trying to explain anything, or get anything through his head, it's just a waste of time. It will only open doors for him to pick up the fight and run with it, spouting whatever whines/complaints/frustrations he wants.</p><p> </p><p>I have found the absolute best method for cutting out the chance for my difficult child to launch into a tiraid is simply a calm 10 words or 10 second rule. The more tense or in a hurry he is? The calmer I am (even if I don't feel calm - I put off as much of a stone front to him as I can.) Then I say whatever I have to say in either less than 10 words, or less than 10 seconds. Like "M, Your book will be ordered this evening, after dinner." (Ignoring any nastiness he spews out of his mouth in response.) Or like in your case "We can leave as soon as I get the pictures." When he complains about running late, something simple like "Everyone runs behind at some point in life." (Keeping a calm "no need to stress/get upset" monotoned voice as I go. I keep moving, and never once stop to look him in the eye. I just keep going about whatever I need to be doing at that moment, commenting in short, quick sentences that merely reiterate what I've already said.)</p><p> </p><p>For my difficult child 2, I've found that this "brick wall" approach works about 50% of the time. He sees that I'm not budging. I am not stopping because HE has some sort of issue. I'm not getting upset and neither should he. Whatever happens is out of his control and he simply will not get a rise out of anything or anyone. Not even throwing a tizzie is going to change a thing. I am an unmoving brick wall - the end.</p><p> </p><p>Like I said, it only works about 50% of the time, but I'm hoping over time that it will work more and more. A few months ago, it didn't work at all...so I'm hopeful. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p><p> </p><p>Just thought I'd throw that out there to see if maybe it might work for you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hexemaus2, post: 192715, member: 4560"] Oh man, Deni...I hear so much of me and my son (difficult child 2) in what you were telling us about the fight. Man is he ever good at pushing every last one of my guilt buttons. And for the longest time, I never even realized that's what he was doing. I thought I was trying to explain to him that I wasn't neglecting doing something for him (like not ordering a specific book he needed for schoolwork, or like not getting the pictures ready for your difficult child) I thought if he knew what was going on, and how much I had on my plate, he might "get it" that I'm really, really crunched for time and honestly just haven't had a chance yet. Not that I'm being neglectful or don't think about him...I've just got alot on my plate and some things just have to come first. Thing is...difficult children like ours don't "get it." They don't even realize they're supposed to be "getting" something when we try to explain things like we would to another "normal" person. They just hear that you're already stressed out & to them it's like waving a red cape in front of a bull. They get ticked because you aren't thinking about them 24/7 AND they get to see a chink in the armor too. (Our "weakened" state brought on by all this stress swirling.) It's like a shark drawn to blood. They jump on it every single time. It's taken me a long time to realize with difficult child 2, I don't have to make any excuses about anything. I don't have to explain anything to him. He is a child. Period. He does not yet understand what it's like to walk in an adult's shoes - much less an adult with difficult children in the house. So trying to explain anything, or get anything through his head, it's just a waste of time. It will only open doors for him to pick up the fight and run with it, spouting whatever whines/complaints/frustrations he wants. I have found the absolute best method for cutting out the chance for my difficult child to launch into a tiraid is simply a calm 10 words or 10 second rule. The more tense or in a hurry he is? The calmer I am (even if I don't feel calm - I put off as much of a stone front to him as I can.) Then I say whatever I have to say in either less than 10 words, or less than 10 seconds. Like "M, Your book will be ordered this evening, after dinner." (Ignoring any nastiness he spews out of his mouth in response.) Or like in your case "We can leave as soon as I get the pictures." When he complains about running late, something simple like "Everyone runs behind at some point in life." (Keeping a calm "no need to stress/get upset" monotoned voice as I go. I keep moving, and never once stop to look him in the eye. I just keep going about whatever I need to be doing at that moment, commenting in short, quick sentences that merely reiterate what I've already said.) For my difficult child 2, I've found that this "brick wall" approach works about 50% of the time. He sees that I'm not budging. I am not stopping because HE has some sort of issue. I'm not getting upset and neither should he. Whatever happens is out of his control and he simply will not get a rise out of anything or anyone. Not even throwing a tizzie is going to change a thing. I am an unmoving brick wall - the end. Like I said, it only works about 50% of the time, but I'm hoping over time that it will work more and more. A few months ago, it didn't work at all...so I'm hopeful. ;) Just thought I'd throw that out there to see if maybe it might work for you. [/QUOTE]
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