Fell off the wagon and had a cig...its a glass half empty day

[confuzzled]

i've been smoke free since 2/4/11. (cold turkey--took a 5 day stint in the hospital on my deathbed to get there) and i've been handling it pretty well....

but i fell off today.

i cant take the stress in my life a second longer. i know lately its been a recurrent theme here and i've typed a million posts that i've deleted before i've hit send. i guess i've become the "mother of all gfgdom" these days--i'm about 100% sure i need some kind of medications but i cant seem to get myself to a dr to deal with it.

i'm not sure what i thought a cigarette would do for me but somehow i thought it would help me calm down.

its hard to explain, but its up there with ms.ally's behavior charts that are going to solve the problems of the world--i am trying desperately to get some kind of help to care for gfg18 who is 100% dependent, field gfg12's behavioral issues, work, manage a household, and most of all, deal with my own guilt over even having the nerve to beg for help, etc....and i actually might, after 18 years, be on the right path to help....only....

it requires "one more phone call". (which, most likely will, in the end, result in no actual help, only serve to aggravate me even more, but i digress).

between crying or exploding at people, i dont really have the time to make that "one more phone call"....and i think i just really dont want to hear the outcome of "no, cant help you".

i have professionals regularly look at me dumbfoundedly when i say i have no help-it defies any kind of logic. but yet, they dont know what to tell me.

so i had a cig. it didnt help, but in the weirdest kind of way, felt like the most proactive thing i've done in ages.

its exhausting being us. and i mean that collectively.

(i was just about to apologize for feeling this way since there are tons of people who have it worse that i do, even just right here, but ftlog, for once, i'm not going to apologize for myself. my life blows. there. i said it out loud)

 

[slsh]

Confuzzled - a big old hug to you, and congrats on going 3 mos with-out a cig. A lapse is a lapse - hopefully just a temporary setback. by the way, I totally understand the urge. Of course, I have yet to quit so I just give in.

If services are available, go for it. I so totally get where you're at - that one more phone call, one more resource that turns into yet another brick wall. Those "looks" professionals give you when you say you're doing it alone... like, what? There's a choice?

I'm stuck right now in a rut where my prevailing thought is that it is *never* going to get better, and it's never going to end. And realistically, it's not, but... somehow I've got to figure out how to get my head back in a better space. I love Boo and absolutely do not resent the care he requires, but... good gravy, it sure would be nice to have a break just once every couple of decades.

So yep, it sure does blow... but you'll get up tomorrow and do it again and hopefully soon you'll find your equilibrium again. by the way - I understand how unnatural it feels to admit how rough things can feel... I think you're incredibly honest to be able to put it out there.

Hugs to you!

 

[InsaneCdn]

confuzzled...

Were you looking for a soft shoulder? or a kick in the butt?

I don't know much about quitting smoking - always said I quit the easy way (never started).
BUT, I know a whole pile about weight loss - and the psychology of the two issues overlaps somewhat... so, for what its worth...

1) quit beating yourself up about it. THAT will just push you farther down that path. so, you had one. You've actually been doing really, really good. And you can do that again. One every two months or so, is better than one every day or so... or a pack every day or so!

2) caregiver syndrome. been there done that. someone else is kicking my butt about this - so I'll share the kicks! for 5 yrs, haven't done the stuff that needed to be done for me. as a result, I'm running out of resources... burnout, physical exhaustion, etc. When one of the specialists for the kids blew up at me for the way I was reacting... I snapped, in a good way. Turned around and let loose on how difficult it is to track down the right resources to get help for me, when I'm having to spend every waking minute in survival mode trying to get help for the kids... and lo and behold! an offer of help! not directly... but the specialist could tell me WHO to ask for referrals to, to get various things rolling. And, because I have this in writing, won't get pushback from family doctor... so I only had to make ONE phone call. BUT, its really hard to find that one person who can put a couple of pieces in place so you know where to start. If there's someone - anyone - who can give you a small handle to grap, take it.

3) "I have no help". you're right, but they won't see it. kind of like a situation at school... THEY keep telling me that the kid doesn't make use of the resources available to him. I'd like to hit them with a brick. The trick, of course, is that the resources available to him are NOT the resources he needs - and the resources he needs are not available to him. Its not about throwing money at the problem, its about... common sense? oh, I forgot - that seems to be extinct these days! I'm learning to expand my rant - "I do not have access to the resources I need to pull this whole thing together"... which means, each person in the picture is doing something, but too often, what they are doing conflicts with what someone else is doing - and nobody on the planet has any idea of the whole picture except me... and of course, I'm just a dumb parent who doesn't know anything. So, yes, I hear ya!

Find yourself an alternative small stress-buster. It has to be cheap, and something you can do at least every single day. On eof mine is a soak in a hot bath after everyone else is in bed, and (if the day permits) a short nap in the afternoon. For husband, its a dog-walk. Someone else hides in the garden (problem: this has to be done in daylight, and daylight is when most of the problems come up!!). But you get the idea. Find a substitute mini stress-reliever, and use it.

As for the "normal" thing??? Had a great therapist when kids were younger - their therapist, not mine - who, when I commented on things not being normal, said: pardon me? what you're facing is still well within the range of normal, it just isn't "average". Which is why nobody understands... we're not abnormal and we're not average, so what are we???

 

[DDD]

Thought I'd post a supportive word or two.......although, obviously, I am not a great example. I totally understand that the day in and day out stress builds up like a pressure cooker. Then pow something has to give and if you are not a screamer, yeller, thrower, cusser etc. the momentary peace of a cigarette becomes the way to "safely" relieve it.

Then, of course, you feel like a failure and remorse overcomes you and WTH (if you're not really careful!) the second cigarette provides the confort needed. What an addiction! I quit for twelve years and in 10/09 had "one". My goal is to be really free of the addiction by next October.

Just want to say I am rooting for you and completely "get it". Maybe you'll be able to shake it off and climb back on the wagon. I hope so. DDD