Fell off the Warrior Mom Wagon. I need help!!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dashcat, May 18, 2012.

  1. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    It's been quite an adjustment having difficult child back home, though I am happy - for the most part - that she is here.

    I'm waffling on a situation that is pretty important to me. I know I'm being manipulated and I also know I'm sending mixed messages. I guess I fell off the Warrior Mom Wagon and I need help getting back up.

    I posted a week or so ago about her staying out all night (she told me where she was and texted that she would not be home) and that she came home high. I told I wouldn't put up with her smoking pot, drinking and/or staying out all night.

    Since then, we had a talk in which she told me it was pretty unrealistic for me to expect her not to drink. She'll be 21 in six weeks, she has not demonstrated that she is abusing (as in an addiction. She maintains her use is fairly normal for her age group and I have no evidence that it is not). She promised not to drink here and not to come home drunk.

    And this is where it gets sticky.

    There have been two occasions since that overnight where she has not come home. The first time, last Friday night, she texted at 2:00 a.m. and said she was way too tired to drive and she was spending the night. She was at a party and I'm smart enough to know she wasn't "tired", but I also don't want my daughter to be in an accident driving while impaired when I told her she "had" to be home. The other time was last night. She texted and said she'd had a couple of beers and did not feel safe driving. She also said she had her work clothes with her and she'd be home after work (sounds pre-meditated to me!!!). Again, I cannot, - in good conscience - tell her she has to drive if she is impaired. I also know it's unlikely that she won't drink at a party.

    Tonight, she told me she was going to a movie with J. I met him last week and he seems like a nice kid. It was J's apartment where she had her first overnight and came home high. He is now home from college...but as far as I know, she's only seen him once before bringing him here. She texts me and says "There are no good movies. We are renting one. Can he come over to watch it?" I text back, "Going to bed by 10:30 or 11:00. He's welcome to come over, but a movie probably won't work tonight. She texts "we'll do something else then". Then she calls "Shannon called and a bunch of us are going to J's apartment to hang out. I won't be home tonight."

    WHAT???? I tell her that it makes no sense for her to spend the night. She argues, says this won't happen all the time but, they're not getting there until 10:30 or so (apt is in a nearby city) and it's not just the two of them (Riiiiggght) and what's the problem?

    Honestly...I'd had such a long day and I was so tired, I just could not deal with this discussion. I told her we will talk about this. Living with your mom is living with your mom....it's not like having a roomate.

    I didn't want this person who I barely knew at my house while I was sleeping. That may sound weird, but it's just the two of us here and I really don't feel entirely safe going to sleep with what amounts to be a stranger in my house. I knew her plan was that I would go to sleep and then he'd spend the night in the basement with her. Not ok with me.

    But NOW, she's at his college apartment. Good God!

    And, it's not just him. Last night she was supposedly hanging out with a band she's going to be singing with. ...except I'm pretty darned sure she was just "hanging out" with the drummer.

    I know I'm sending insanely mixed messages to her. It was so much easier when she was younger and living with me. The boundaries were clearer and I sure as heck had more clout.

    I know I cannot stop her sexual acting out (I haven't even hit the tip of the iceberg in this post). I can - at least somewhat - control it happening here .... but how do I address her oh-so-innocent assertations that she should not be driving intoxicated/too tired, etc?

    What a mess. If you're still reading this insanely long post, I commend you.

    Dash

    ps - Now my post about her chores seems so sillly...
     
    Last edited: May 18, 2012
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Dash, hon. No, you can't stop her behavior. But you can control how she behaves around you by what you allow. Know what I mean??

    This is why 1. I have a curfew 2. I have the rule if you don't sleep at home you don't really need to be staying with me. And I do have a solid No Drugs rule, and I could care less how little they use. That isn't the point. As far as drinking...........if you're not smart enough to limit consumption in order to safely get home in time, there is a problem........and it's not MY problem.

    I have enough difficult child experience due to my own family growing up, that it helped me anticipate situations I could find myself in with my own adult kids. My rules are to avoid those situations. If they're too strict, then they don't have to live with me. Simple.

    My rules are also pretty cut and dry. Makes them easier to stick too.

    ((hugs))
     
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Did you give her a consequence for staying out all night when you spoke to her and said no drugs, no staying out all night? If so, then you have to follow through.

    She CLEARLY has no intention of complying iwth your rules. NONE. The hwole 'I had too much to drink to get home by curfew" means she has no intention of coming home or she would stop drinking at least 2 hrs before she has to leave (1 hr per measured drink to metabolize, 2 drinks means you need 2 hrs) to get home. That was premeditated, as was the one where seh took work clothes.

    Is she working full time? If not, she needs another job because she has too much free time and not enough work to pay for her own place. Given you spoke and she KNEW the rule was no overnights, it is NOT your responsibility to arrange for how she complies. It is NOT your problem to make sure she has a designated driver to bring her home. ANYONE who drinks even ONE drink has the responsibility to have a designated driver. period. No excuses or exceptions. I cannot tell you how many parties I attended in hs and college where everyone but me drank. When it was my turn to be the driver I was the driver. PERIOD. When I was drinking, I kept an eye on my driver and if he/she drank, I stopped immediately because it was MY JOB to be sure I had a desg driver. PERIOD.

    You spoke, she agreed to no overnights. She has had overnights due her HER CHOICES and now? in my opinion the consequences should be to leave. Or else to pay double rent and the next overnight for any reason is the night she moves out. getting arrested for a DUI because she was too stupid to have a desig driver or stay sober is an overnight and NOT an exception.

    I am 100% serious in that it is NOT YOUR JOB to figure out how she gets home in time for curfew. It never was, it never will be. Rules are not there for the world to make her life easier. A job will not CARE if she does not have a ride to work - they just expect her there and ready to work. Curfew is a JOB she had to do to be able to live with you, as are NO OVERNIGHTS.

    clearly J has room in his apt for her to spend the night. I guess she can live there, but he will want more rent. She wants the freedom of her own place with none of the responsibilites of bills, etc...... Not your job to meet unrealistic expectations.

    What do YOU think the consequences should be? Why did you feel you had to either let her stay out or drive drunk? Why would either of those be things that you were responsible for? both are NOT your choices or responsibilities. The fact that TWICE in a row she was too drunk to drive home, and there was no desig driver means she has a problem. she either must become responsible or stop drinking. Responsible drinkers know they need desig drivers to get them where they need to go on time or they need to not drink. If she cannot do these, there is a real problem.
     
  4. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Hound, I so totally love you!
     
  5. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Things are definately more clear after a good night's sleep.

    Lisa, you are spot on. In my original post, I said I was reluctant to level a curfew. It all felt so High School. But this is a difficult child I'm dealing with. She doesn't do well when things are left up to her. Clearly. Without a curfew, the staying out all night thing is just waaayy too easy. She, like many difficult child's, is the type that - given an inch, takes a mile.

    And, susie, thanks for reminding me that the mechanics of this are not my responsbility. She is only working part time - has never had a full time job. She claims that she cannot get a full time job. When I've mentioned a second job, she says she's working on it. Right.

    She said she'd be home by eleven. I am going to lay it out for her today: she now has a curfew (2:00 a.m.). No more overnights. Period.

    Dash.
     
  6. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Dash - I have a slightly different take on this. thank you's been back home for a year now - prior to that was living with- a girlfriend for a while but also did a lot of couch surfing and did spend some time on the streets. Drug use, etc. I didn't know where he was then (don't want to) and only knew enough about his so-called life to know he was not doing well at all.

    Like Lisa, our house rules are very simple. No drugs, no drunkenness (he is 21 now), no sex in my home. If he's not coming home at night, he needs to let me know. If it's a last minute change, he can text me. No getting in cars with- impaired drivers - that's pretty much the *only* time he can call me in the wee hours without incurring my wrath.

    My thinking is - he's 21. He's an adult. He has a key to the house and if he shows up at 2:30 a.m., he's not waking anyone up. I cannot control his choices - he's going to do what he's going to do. I like having him live here (he's really a total pleasure) but I also know he likes his freedom to do what he wants. It doesn't bother me the slightest that there are nights he spends ... wherever. I don't even know where he goes, but he *always* tells me when he will be coming home - either tonight or tomorrow or in 3 days, and he shows up when he says he will. I don't know what he does when he's not here. He could very well be drinking/drugging, but he's coming home sober, he's going to school, and he's following our rules. He's also more helpful around here than my other 2 able-bodied kids combined, LOL. I doubt he's doing much drinking/drugging, just because he looks and acts healthier than he has in years, but having a difficult child, I've learned never to say never. ;)

    It's kinda surprising to me, because I am a total control freak, but it really doesn't bother me that he spends nights away from home. As long as he lets me know if he will/won't be here, I'm good.
     
    Last edited: May 19, 2012
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I gotta tell you Dash I think you are trying to control her way too much. I am with slsh here. She is going to be 21 in 6 weeks. That is an adult. She isnt 16 anymore. If she wants to stay over with a guy to watch movies or have sex or even have a few drinks, that is her business. The fact that she isnt driving is a good and responsible thing. At least she is calling you to let you know she wont be home. I think you trying to force her to come home is too controlling.

    At this point she is more of a roommate than your child. Right now you want to become her friend again. That is part of what is nice about when our kids actually become adults. We are no longer responsible for them and we get the chance to become their friends.
     
  8. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    sish,
    I know I said that I can't control her choices ...and I mean that, but my concerns about her sexual acting out eclipse my worries about her drug and alcohol use. Crazy as it sounds.

    Right now, there are three guys - and one girl - that I know of. She thinks I only know about the one guy ...J, the one she's known for a few weeks. Her impulsivity scares the beejabers out of me. Everything is so extreme.

    In my head, I know and understand that she will have as much sex as she wants, with whomever she wants, and a 2:00 a.m curfew (and/or my unwillingness to lend my basement to such activities) isn't going to change a thing.

    But my heart ... that part of my body and soul that is very slow to detach ... reacts very strongly to these all nighters. There are two nights in a row where she did not come home. Add to the mix, that she'll spend the day with one guy, go see another guy in the evening and THEN have the girl over here! It's enough to make my head spin,

    I'm trying not to react to all of this and just stick to the issue of the boundaries of my home. Easier said than done.

    Dash
     
  9. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Dash - I'm so sorry - I do understand your concerns. I wonder if part of it is the difference between having a daughter or son (sexist line of thought, but one that crosses my mind a *lot* as I watch my Diva turn into a young woman - I wonder if I would be able to have the same laissez-faire attitude if she were spending nights out - not sure I could, but... I've got a few years yet with- her).

    I very intentionally do not investigate who thank you is sleeping with. I don't want to know. I can't control it. I've taught him safe sex, tried to teach him to behave responsibly, but.... again, I have no control. A huge part of detachment for me is knowing what questions I really want the answers to, and letting go of the things I don't want to know. It took quite a while to get that down.

    I think a big part of why his extended stays out don't bother me is because at least he eventually *does* come home and I can get the reassurance that he's okay, physically and mentally. I didn't have that reassurance for 2 years, so I'm happy to get what I can.
     
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Dash....dont read her facebook or whatever else it is you are reading. See, this is one of those things that is why our parents got to live in la la land and it was good. What they didnt know couldnt hurt them. It really is none of a parents business who their grown adult children are sleeping with. If there are consequences, they will happen to the adult child, not you. Thats sorta what bites.

    Now you do have the right to tell her you dont want overnight guests in your home. Perfectly reasonable. Many rooms for rent on Craigslist have that condition on them.
     
  11. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Janet,
    I know. I fell off that wagon, too. However, though it is not a parent's business as to who their adult child is having sex with.... I think her hypersexuality does qualify as an extenuating curcumstance in my setting policies and conditions of her living here.


    How's that for a contradiction!

    Part of the mess of dealing with a difficult child adult child is walking the fine line between what is appropriate for an adult and what is the reality of a difficult child.

    Still working on that and I am so glad I have all of you here. Otherwise, I might start to think I'm insane.

    Dash
     
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    My curfew stand is for a couple of reasons. clearly her difficult child is living at home because she cannot afford to finance her own life. this means that she needs to be saving money and to find more work so she can move out. going out for whatever reason late at night is an invite for trouble. NOT something dash can control BUT being home at night means that her daughter is more likely to be able to go fnd another job during the day.

    there was a GOAL for moving in - to get back on her feet and get her own place. going out each night is expensive and will only drain those funds dry, resulting in dash having to be support her longer and very likely having to deal with her other problems that stem from her night time activities.

    there is also the safety factor. her daughter could easily sneak strange people into the house late at night, bringing them home from a party. dashcat is already uncomfortable having one in the home when seh is sleeping. how much worse will it be when it is someone that dashcat doesn't know? How will she feel safe in her own home.

    the third thing is that this is not difficult child's house and these are the rules dash wants, for her own reasons. Clearly dash feels it is a problem to not be home by a certain tme, and that means it IS a problem. How many of are difficult children are ready at a set age for what 'everyone else' does? if difficult child was READY to handle her life like an adult, she would have gotten a 2nd job and even a 3rd one to pay her bills and have her own home. she would be ready to handle all the adult responsibilties.

    that isn't the case. while nothing dashcat does will alter difficult child's sex life, dashcat does know how vulnerable her child is and is worried, and since she is supporting her child, she has a say. period.

    Plus, the rules at home are not supposed to be the same rules as with a friend - how on EARTH would anyone get their adult kids to move out?? the whole issue from the movie "Failure to launch' would not have happened (and it does all over the country) f people didn't make it so easy on their adult kids to live at home and do what they want and have parents taking care of them.

    dashcat, what are the consequences for breaking the rules?? figure this out ASAP and put it in writing. then give difficult child a copy of the rules and consequences and get her to sign it, incl consequences for things you would make her leave over. this takes a lot of the guesswork and debate out of the equation in the heat of the moment. i am proud of you for seeing that she needed some consequences and trying to work out what will be best.
     
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Susie...there is nothing you can do at night that you cant do during the day. At just what age is a child grown? 18, 20, 21, 25, 27, 30, 45, 60? Every single one of my kids have had girlfriends stay over. That is something I never thought I would see happen with Billy though! Jamie and Cory yeah. I opened the door with Jamie and then I couldnt close it for Cory. Fair is only fair. Mandy moved in here in 2007 and has lived with Cory ever since. Cory was hypersexual and I would imagine that he still has a pretty healthy sex life. Dont know, dont ask. He is an almost 26 year old man with an almost 22 year old girlfriend. I figure they are still active...lol. I know when he was younger they girls who went to the local university used to come pick him up for "friends with benefits" dates. Now I am sure that if their parents ever knew they would have been shocked to death. Their lovely, intelligent daughters who were in college were sleeping with my HS drop out bad boy! Not the boy to take home to mama and daddy! But seriously, what was I going to do? They were grown women who were taking my 17-19 year old boy out. I didnt even know who they were.
     
  14. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    while there is nothing much you can't do in the day, statistics show that there are more crimes, accidents, etc... that happen at night. i don't really care what the difficult child does. I care that it is dashcat's home, she pays the bills and SHE is uncomfortable with her daughter traipsing in at all hours. There is no magic age when a person does ANYTHING. there are some ages when it is legal or developmentally appropriate to do something though. it may or may NOT be dev appropriate IN DASHCAT'S daughter'S CASE for her to go out each night. regardless, if dash is up worrying about her or she is disturbing dashcat's rest, then she needs to be home by a set hour. Period. end of discussion.

    if difficult child wants to discuss it or doesn't like the rules, she can move out. she can WORK and earn the $$ for her own place - and I think the goal for the difficult child to live there was to earn $$ for her own place. making the rules too comfy at home defeats the purpose for many difficult children, at least ones i have known. it is so easy to live at home that they don't bother to save or look for a way to afford their own place.

    My bro and I both lived at home as adults. While we didn't have a set curfew, we did have to tell my folks when we would be home - a decent approximation at least. If we were not coming home or would be late, we had to call BEFORE the 10pm. WHY?? Because my folks worked hard and watned to sleep. being out later for work was no big deal, but they wanted to have some clue of when we would be home so they would know if we were hurt. we didn't have cell phones so sometimes it was a hassle, but not calling was just not okay. then one or the other parent would sit up waiting and we ended up regretting that. NOT because a big lecture, but because we then had to make up for inconveniencing them. we also got to do chores or projects to make up for waking them up when we came home later than we said we would. WHY did we have to do this? Because we were rude and inconsiderate. WHY did my parents CARE when we came home? they wanted to know we were safe and even more they watned to know that it was one of us walking up to the house and not a stranger.

    I simply do not see why it is a big deal for dashcat to enforce a curfew. there is a super simple way for her daughter to never have a curfew - move out and pay her own bills.

    by the way, as for what you can and cannot do late that you can't do in the morning or any time? MOST people work at least in the afternoons. So there are fewer parties and fewer people to party with. YES, you CAN party, but there are not as many people to party with. Many people are social drinkers/users and generally do not imbibe unless they are in certain situations. So if drugs, etc.. are an issue, a curfew CAN help with this. Check stats in any area - generally the most arrests and problems with users and inappropriate behavior are at night, NOT in the afternoon or morning (after 3-5 depending on state laws re: last call) while people are working or sleeping it off.

    Sorry if that isn't what you want to hear. I don't know if a curfew is worth the hassle, but I DO know that if the curfew is in place - and the difficult child agreed to it - then it is NOT dashcat's fault that her daughter didn't plan a safe way to get a ride home and it is NOT dashcat's fault that her daughter drank too much too drive. that is 110% difficult child's fault. Period. Because dashcat gave her daughter the rules no drinking, no drugs, no overnights, be home by a set time. Her daughter objected to no drinking as unrealistic, and apparently didn't disagree or not much anyway, with the others.

    I do know that if I were a single woman with an adult child who watned to bring people they didn't know well or had just met into my home for sleepovers - sex involved or not - I would NOT allow it for safety reasons. I also know as a woman who was single and living with a roommate in college that one of the very few unbreakable rules was that if you were not coming home you left a message or called. Why? I mean it was a roomie not a parent. So if something happened then someone would have an idea of approx when I was supposed to call and did not. Again, NO cell phone so iit was a hassle at times. It is a safety thing just as much as a consideration thing. Because it IS easier to kill, rape, kidnap, etc... at night because it is dark. And that is another reason to have the curfew when you live at mom's. So mom can sleep not wondering if you are safe. And yes, apron strings need to be cut, but NOT when the difficult child CHOSE to live with mom and is only working part time.
     
  15. Giulia

    Giulia New Member

    Dashcat, if I were you, as I told before, enforce the safety rules first and foremost.

    You told something about hypersexuality. It sounds that your daughter is very unstable. Hypersexuality is quite alarming, and it worthes to get your daughter evaluated if it has not been done. Does she see a psychiatrist ?
    Is she under medications ?

    The priority is your daughter's safety. It sounds that your daughter self medicates her symptoms with alcohol, which only worsens the problem.

    So in my opinion, before even enforcing chores, your monitoring the curfew comes first, way before chores.
    But in order to hit the alcohol, drugs and hypersexuality, you need to make mandatory for your daughter to see a psychiatrist.
    She sounds very unstable right now, she takes a lot of risks with pleasant activities and it can lead to catastrophe.

    Susiestar, I agree with most of what you say. But I think that the "fault" is unstabiity. I don't say that it excuses her behavior, but it explains it, and a whole lot. It is not "she does not want to follow rules to make home life a misery", but she really cannot help it right now. So we have to set up a structure where she is protected from herself and her own hazards she cannot control.
    However, I would go to the point where dashcat has to set different rules for stability and unstability. I know it is against your values, that everyone has to be held accountable for actions etc etc.... but it does not sound me realistic.
    During instability, I really think that dashcat must forbid going out at night. For her daughter's safety, because her daughter is too unstable to make sound judgment, she will take drugs, alcohol, she risks to drunk drive etc etc... So as dashcat's daughter is unable to protect from those risks by herself, dashcat must do it for her daughter (no matter how overage her daughter is). And medical care has to be put in place, of course.
    That would be the first and foremost priorities.
    I know again that your value is for a difficult child to become independent, but a difficult child cannot become independent when a mental illness is not cared, at least somehow stabilized. A job can always be found when someone is stable. Someone can be independent when health is somehow set up, or independence will come and fall apart earlier or later. I learnt it the harsh way.

    So dashcat, before even thinking about chores, as your daughter sounds very unstable at the moment, your first priority has to protect your daughter from her own unstability and helping her having medical care in order to let her reach stability. The first priority right now is her health and safety. The rest will come after. Now, she is unstable and she does not have as much insight as you would wish.
    For me, she mustn't go outside at night when she is unstable. Period. End of discussion. If she has a driving license and a car, take keys and driving license. If she is unstable as she is, she will certainly drive recklessly. Someone with a psychiatric condition cannot drive when the condition is not under control/unstable, and it sounds that your daughter is extremely unstable. An accident can happen even during the day when someone is unstable.
    In the meantime, help her to get the medical care she needs, so the right diagnosis and the right care. It has to be mandatory to make life at home possible.
    To come about curfew, no outing at night, no car keys, no driving at all. For her own safety.

    After, when she reaches stability, you can think about her going home the evening, chores, whatever you wish....
    She is slipping into a huge instability. Chores, job etc etc... is something you can wish when she is stable. Now she is not at all. Your first and foremost priority has to be her health and safety at the moment. Her safety here means forbidding her to put herself in situation where she runs serious risks, because she won't be able to think about these risks currently. She needs someone to do it for her, as she cannot do it by herself.


    Take care
     
  16. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Dash--

    Just my opinion...

    but I think these are not issues to be "solved" with curfews and rules and policies and consequences.

    I think you need to really sit down with your daughter and be honest with her. Her lifestyle is making you very uncomfortable. You are not arguing the right or wrong of her choices - just acknowledging that you find it very hard to live with. I think you need to tell her that you love her - but your ways and her ways are different...and unless she is willing to adopt more of YOUR ways....then maybe it's time to move on...
     
  17. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    As far as I remember, her dtr did call her and told her she was staying the night. And dont get hostile with me. Rapes happen at all times of the day. I was kidnapped and raped at 4 pm while walking home from the last day of HS.
     
  18. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Dash,
    If I'm understanding your issue correctly, your immediate concern is that your 20 y/o difficult child's sexually promiscuous activities are not healthy by any means, and can realistically be a safety issue, then I am agreeing with you. in my opinion, it has to be part of a bigger mental health issue, though. difficult child impulsivity relating to sex is not like easy child sex...there doesn't seem to be any restraint or discernment, and Dash, I think you have a legitimate worry. It's all part of the big picture...the disarray and disorganization of her living space, her lack of ambition, and her hypersexuality combined with her apparent disregard for curfews and boundaries is definitely a problem. Your giving her rules, etc. is fine, but I don't think she has enough self control to follow them, even if she wants to.
    Dash, I know you love her, and I know something went wrong to make her leave her Dad's house, and she may feel abandoned, but I really think she has to seek and want help, or your life will be drawn along with hers into a miserable vortex.
     
  19. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    (blows whistle) LADIES LADIES LADIES....Okay first off - we're here to support each other - NOT tear each other down. NEUTRAL corners.....(and whomever wants my corner can have it)

    First of all - there's a lot of things going on here - and EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE is making very valid points - albeit it seems we got a little side tracked at the llama farm with the spitting - but - lets see what we can get out of this - and move forward......(makes arms do that air stewardess thing forward )

    Dash - (you little minx you) - See how much fun a difficult child is even when she's not at home? lol

    I think.......Janet and SLSH had some very valid points. At 21? Even if she's hypersexual (and by the way I think that's your get out of jail free card for snooping) in my humble opinion....because at what age do you turn her loose to manage that hypersexuality on her own? There are lots of adults. Who are that way - and either seek treatment or find a way to cope, or find sexual outlets. Even at 21? I don't think it's your job. I just think that you've been doing it for so long to protect her? It's become habit. Just like monitoring her FB page and the emails or whatever (I skimmed the posts here) And Daisy made the post that I agreed with the most. Either she's going to agree to do it all your way - or get out. The stress is wearing on you - and it's just counter productive to "baby sit" a 21 year old. It's too early to be her best friend. That's not what you are - and if you're having to set up things like curfew, no drinking, no drugs? You're still her Mom. The law is the law - is the law - Which brings me to why I agree with Susie*

    She said when she was younger her parents laid down the law for her and her brother because they worked, and they paid for everything and they expected certain rules in the house to be followed. PERIOD. I agree 100%. This is exactly how I was raised. If my Mother said - BE in by 11:00 not a minute later - that's what she meant by God or you would have consequences and even at 15 I knew - NO EXCUSES. So by 16? I had a place of my own. I never went back. I had two full time jobs, and paid my own way. I did what I wanted, lived how I wanted, stayed up as late a I wanted, and had as many animals as I wanted. I didn't drink, and I didn't get high or screw around. But that's how I was raised. NOW........

    Since life has many, many people in it - was that wrong? NO. Was the way that Janet or SLSH allow their boys to live wrong? Nope again. That's how THEY set the rules and that's how THEY choose to live. More open, more free, and a less constrictive life style. Matter of fact if I had died before Dude was 21? Janet would have raised Dude. I still have never met her. I just knew she'd take care of him and understand him. (shrug) BUT - in my home - He wasn't allowed to drink, do drugs, OR EVER EVER bring a woman home and he had a curfew. Im guessing he wished I would have died. lol.

    All I can say - is that IT IS YOUR HOME. If you have rules? You have to have consequences. Period. If you have them - you have to stick to them. YSomeone said you don't have a roomie you have a daughter. THIS is very true. But whether it's a room mate or a 21 year old child - you can't control her life - you can ONLY control what she does under you roof, and if part of the deal is ' YOU CAN STAY OUT - as long as you call so you don't drive home drunk? And she's calling or texting? Then halleluijah because the calls that I've already seen to cut kids out of cars from prom nights here doa would make you sick - I wish they had called their parents. SO THAT in itself is commendable. That to me is being a responsible adult. If the deal was you are NEVER to stay out? Then she's breaking a rule - and three strikes your out? She needs to go -

    I just think you both need to sit down - revamp what you can live with - amend some things - because it sounds like she's growing - and your adjusting - and if you can't adjust - then she needs to move. It's no biggie - your still a FANTASTIC warrior Mom -

    Janet and Susie STILL love each other and need to kiss and make up - eventually

    And I'm going to go study a billion things that I never knew I need to know ......and can't tell you or I'd have to kill you.

    I LOVE YOU ALL.......and play nice damnit - you don't want me to come back here. I'm edgy and on my fourth pot of coffee, and the dog has the worst gas ever and we're stuck in the room together.
     
  20. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I'm late to the discussion here. Whatever your rules are, in your home, those are your rules and you should stick to them. Talk to her. I think it's fine for her to call you and let you know where she'll be. Because she is almost 21. Personally, my son's girlfriend is here at my house spending the weekend. They are both 20. I don't have a problem with this, although I would never tell anyone in real life that I allow this. I guess it's different for girls, I know her parents don't know she is here- they think she's at school. If you don't want to know about this, she should find somewhere else to live. It's upsetting you. I am sorry you're upset. (hugs)
     
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