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Fighting the Guilt Demons
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 660027" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>JKF and SS, I am feeling the feelings right now...revisiting the feelings I felt when difficult child was four hours away, sleeping outside over Christmas, when it was freezing cold and texting me over and over to come get him, pulling every string there was. It still hurts to remember how awful that felt and how hard it was to do nothing. Finally I had to say stop contacting me. I could not take it and my Mind and heart were spinning and spinning. Everything I believed about myself and family and love and responsibility and faith and Values was called into question. I wasn't even sure who I was anymore. I sure didn't know who he was. My grief was profound. </p><p></p><p>Later I found out that most of the time he was inside at the McDonald's, using the phones of the people who worked there, smoking their cigarettes and one girl who worked there took his clothes home to wash sometimes. Unbelievable.</p><p></p><p>Unless we have a live video camera recording their every movement, all we have to go on is what they say. They tell us what they want to tell us to trigger us to act on behalf of them. Even after years pass, and we hold the line, they still often "give it a try" because hey, it worked for so long and it might work again. </p><p></p><p>For me, in times like these, I had to restrict contact in order to function and not go out of my mind. I think what they do is one of the cruelest "tricks" one person can play on another in a relationship where there is love at its core. It is everything wrong and deceptive and makes a mockery of the love of a child for a parent. And of a parent for a child. </p><p></p><p>All of this hurts so so badly and having distance and time allows us to get back to level ground and collect ourselves again. </p><p></p><p>We can't go down in the hole with them for two reasons. One, it solves nothing. And two, it prevents them from having a chance to change. Doing what you both have learned to do is the truest and highest love, I believe. You are giving your sons a gift of immeasurable proportion. The greatest gift anyone can give another person---the space they need to live their own lives and chart their own destiny and determine who they really are and what they are capable of. </p><p></p><p>Warm hugs for your hurting heart. I wish I could sit outside with you and look at those stars together in silent solidarity. You are not alone in this. We are here with you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 660027, member: 17542"] JKF and SS, I am feeling the feelings right now...revisiting the feelings I felt when difficult child was four hours away, sleeping outside over Christmas, when it was freezing cold and texting me over and over to come get him, pulling every string there was. It still hurts to remember how awful that felt and how hard it was to do nothing. Finally I had to say stop contacting me. I could not take it and my Mind and heart were spinning and spinning. Everything I believed about myself and family and love and responsibility and faith and Values was called into question. I wasn't even sure who I was anymore. I sure didn't know who he was. My grief was profound. Later I found out that most of the time he was inside at the McDonald's, using the phones of the people who worked there, smoking their cigarettes and one girl who worked there took his clothes home to wash sometimes. Unbelievable. Unless we have a live video camera recording their every movement, all we have to go on is what they say. They tell us what they want to tell us to trigger us to act on behalf of them. Even after years pass, and we hold the line, they still often "give it a try" because hey, it worked for so long and it might work again. For me, in times like these, I had to restrict contact in order to function and not go out of my mind. I think what they do is one of the cruelest "tricks" one person can play on another in a relationship where there is love at its core. It is everything wrong and deceptive and makes a mockery of the love of a child for a parent. And of a parent for a child. All of this hurts so so badly and having distance and time allows us to get back to level ground and collect ourselves again. We can't go down in the hole with them for two reasons. One, it solves nothing. And two, it prevents them from having a chance to change. Doing what you both have learned to do is the truest and highest love, I believe. You are giving your sons a gift of immeasurable proportion. The greatest gift anyone can give another person---the space they need to live their own lives and chart their own destiny and determine who they really are and what they are capable of. Warm hugs for your hurting heart. I wish I could sit outside with you and look at those stars together in silent solidarity. You are not alone in this. We are here with you. [/QUOTE]
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