Finally an update!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by nlg319, Aug 17, 2007.

  1. nlg319

    nlg319 New Member

    It's funny, I read other's post almost daily but dread the thought of typing my own update and/or current issues. I think it will help me to see it all down on the screen.

    difficult child#1 retuned home from foster care last week. She had been transitioning and things are going well, with the exception of some attitude from time to time and a lot of swearing. She and I have had some really open and direct conversations and I can honetly say that for the first time in many, many years, she is fun to be around! We have a Family Stabilization Team working in our home twice a week. They have been here twice already to do paperwork and begin to talk about goals.

    difficult child#2 has been doing ok. He got friendly with a boy he knows from school and hung out with him half the summer. Apparantly this boy, M, doesn't get much discipline and is very fresh. difficult child#2 returns from hanging out with M and starts acting like a gangster. I hate it. He is very rude, disrecptful and wise. I made a decision that difficult child#2 needed a break from M and I didn't want them hanging out anymore. Surprisingly, difficult child#2 was ok with this. I think he was relieved he didn't have to keep up the wise guy attitude! He is doing ok. Has neighborhood boys to do things with. His Metadate and Risperdal has been increased, and he is much more cooperative.

    difficult child#3 has been so so hyper and needy. I took all three difficult child's to get ice cream. Just in the line waiting, difficult child#3 was literally bouncing from wall to wall to floor. I had no control over him. He had an audience and that made it even worse. I know that this next year in preschool will be a challenge. His behavior has really gotten worse. He is once again very aggressive with other children, and just so darn hyper! I know the medication issue will be raised at some point...

    D/H has been off all summer because of his heart attack. He will return back to work after Labor Day. Things have been ok with us. There are some days, I want to get in the car and Drive....far, far, away! We have continued our marraige counseling and I am glad about that.

    I do have a questionn about my difficult child#1. She will be 16 in a few weeks and her mouth is so terrible. She swear alot. I can't tolerate it with difficult child#3 because he picks up everything. How do you handle swearing???? It seems as if it has become such a habit for her.

    Thanks for lenting me rant and vent...

  2. elisem

    elisem New Member

    I don't have any advice for you--I just wanted to say thanks for posting! You've got your hands full, but it sounds like you're holding up remarkably well, all things considered.

    Best of luck!

  3. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    My difficult child 1 has been attending a school for kids who are behavioral. As you can imagine, he was learning language that would curl your hair. When the school advised that he was using said language, I made sure that he knew he'd be "toast" if he used it in the house. That being said, he's 8 yours is 16.

    What seems to hit home with these kids is that you acknowledge their intelligence. So when confronted with this with some of the older kids, I asked them point blank if they wanted to be respected OR did they want to appear stupid.

    They were shocked! Of course we want respect and we certainly don't want to be thought of as stupid.

    Well, only people who are stupid can't think of better words to say so they use foul language. If you want people to think of you as worth while AND intelligent, you won't talk like that. I offered to quietly remind them with a look if they slipped, but they needed to make a real effort to clean it up.

    It was totally conversational. No accusations, no name calling, just calm conversation with an offer of help. You could also point out that soon she's going to want to start looking for a part-time job, etc., and swearing is a really hard habit to break. Too much of it could result in her losing a job that she may really like!

    The key is to be on her side, not "against" her like all of us mom's are being accused of!!! :)

    Hope it helps!

  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm wondering if difficult child 3 ever saw a neuropsychologist to see if he is on the autism spectrum. If so, he probably needs interventions and special schooling help. Was he exposed to drugs or alcohol in utero?
    Sorry, don't know what to tell you about the swearing. My 23 year old daughter swears like a truck driver, even now that she's reformed.
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    That's a great report ... you've got your hands full! Glad the 15-yr-old is getting better.

    We have a system where every time the kids swear, (or at one point, they'd say "like," which drove us nuts!) they'd either do Time Out or pay us a quarter. We would have to pay them a quarter, too, if we swore.

    with-our son, who is younger, if he was home alone and he was being belligerent on top of swearing, we'd wash his mouth out with-soap. We've only had to do it 3X in his life (he's 10 now). The last time, he said, very snottily, "You'll never get that in my mouth. I won't even OPEN my mouth!"
    Well, OPEN gives your mouth a nice O shape, so in goes my finger with-liquid soap on it, LOL!
    If he'd shut his mouth, hint, hint, he wouldn't have to worry about it!

    For an almost-16-yr-old, I'd stick with-$. You have to do it too... no fair swearing and then saying she can't.
    If you don't swear, pick another bad habit you have... biting your nails, saying "Umm," whatever you can come up with.
  6. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I'd say to difficult child 1, "We have to do our best to not swear around difficult child 1, he's picking up all the bad words h hears and it really sounds wrong, coming from such a small child. I know you feel you need to swear, and it's vert hard to break the habit, but will you join me in doing our absolute utmost to not swear in difficult child 3's presence? Other times, when he's not around - I'll understand, but just not when he's around."

    She will have picked up a lot of swearing while away from you, you can't police what you're not there to deal with. And she can't change overnight, or completely. But enlisting her help may be the approach which will work - our older kids are so much older than difficult child 3, I had to get them on side in a similar way. difficult child 1's friends were the worst - it wasn't only their bad language, it was their aggressive and sometimes threatening attitude, especially to difficult child 3, that had me ban them from the house for a while. Because ANYONE coming into the house has to abide by the same rules- this isn't you picking on difficult child 1, this is you trying to set up boundaries for difficult child 3. And as difficult child 1 is old enough to be a mother herself, she can consider this good practice. (sorry to scare you - but somewhere in her head, SHE is aware of this).