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Substance Abuse
Finally had "the talk" with- difficult child, not the outcome I expected, neither good nor bad
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 494870" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Are you SURE this isn't 1984 and you are not talking about my brother? Gfgbro would SWEAR that he wanted NO support from my parents, that he was "independent" and would do it his way and how much I was inferior because I had zero problems taking help from my parents and working my tushie off to get academic scholarships. I spent a LOT of years hearing this. My dad's little sis did about the same thing and still will tell anyone who listens how she idd it all on her own. Yeah, with her mommy and brothers both sending ALL the toiletries, home cooked food, grocerys, and clothes, sure she did it "alone".</p><p></p><p>They BOTH had to get cash from their parents (bro and aunt) about a day or two before tuition had to be paid or you couldn't go to class anymore. Both my parents and my Gma BOTH got tired of this and just made sure they had the cash when the deadline hit because otherwise it was a scramble to get it out of other accounts. I know the stuff about my aunt because she is 10 yrs younger than my dad and I remember a LOT of my gma's grumblings and my dad's griping about driving five hours round trip to fix her car, patch something, deliver another thing. Gfgbro is only about 2 yrs older than I but he skipped 2 yrs in school so I saw a LOT of what my folks went through to pay for his last minute "OMG I CAN"T PAY AND THEY ARE KICKING ME OUT" calls. </p><p></p><p>You son reminds me of them. Sadly, you have NO ability to make him accept that $$. Well, you CAN send the college a check for whatever you want and his name/ssn/student ID on it and they are not going to give it back to you. He could still pay the full amt on top if he was that idiotic. But that is probably NOT the best things for now.</p><p></p><p>Let him know the college money is there. That his dreams may just be dreams because there are NOT that many highly paid internships, though chemistry is a field that does have them. But those high paid internships come with background and drug tests AND companies check your social media sites to see who you are = and that big bowl of pot? Is NOT going to get him that fancy internship much less that fancy job. It isn't the stumbling block it used to be in SOME areas, but in MANY it still puts you out of the running for very competitive jobs. </p><p></p><p>I DO know a guy who was making 60K a year as a college intern in chemistry way back in the late 80's. I knew the guy really well and saw the paystubs from his job, so I know it was NOT a lie. But the guy I knew was way past incredibly brilliant. In addition, he had family connections. They allowed him to access jobs that most people just can't. I hope your son isn't preparing for a fall, but in some ways you learn more from the fall than from anything else.</p><p></p><p>You can't make difficult child see reality. the world will do that soon enough. Continue to deny him access to your finances because he sounds like the type would would abuse the info to do things like identity theft when times get hard. LOTS of kids see that as "easy" and "no one gets hurt" esp if they "just" do it to mom and dad. in my opinion you have done all you can. School, life, supporting himself, those are now his jobs and he has made it clear he wants nothing from you in that way.</p><p></p><p>Long term planning isn't something teens do. So the benefits of using his trust vs loans isn't going to mean much. But don't give him that cd straight out - write the checks to the school and if he says it is "his money" tell him that you are paying "his bills" with hit and that YOUR name is on that acct also for this very reason. I would tell him straight out that you won't hand a drug user money, esp not that much. Just not happening. You don't have to tiptoe around it. He clearly uses at least pot (and if they admit that, they almost always are using more) and you won't support it with any resources you have control over. If he objects, I am sure that their is an age clause and he can just wait until he is old enough to access the money with-o your approval. It is what it is.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 494870, member: 1233"] Are you SURE this isn't 1984 and you are not talking about my brother? Gfgbro would SWEAR that he wanted NO support from my parents, that he was "independent" and would do it his way and how much I was inferior because I had zero problems taking help from my parents and working my tushie off to get academic scholarships. I spent a LOT of years hearing this. My dad's little sis did about the same thing and still will tell anyone who listens how she idd it all on her own. Yeah, with her mommy and brothers both sending ALL the toiletries, home cooked food, grocerys, and clothes, sure she did it "alone". They BOTH had to get cash from their parents (bro and aunt) about a day or two before tuition had to be paid or you couldn't go to class anymore. Both my parents and my Gma BOTH got tired of this and just made sure they had the cash when the deadline hit because otherwise it was a scramble to get it out of other accounts. I know the stuff about my aunt because she is 10 yrs younger than my dad and I remember a LOT of my gma's grumblings and my dad's griping about driving five hours round trip to fix her car, patch something, deliver another thing. Gfgbro is only about 2 yrs older than I but he skipped 2 yrs in school so I saw a LOT of what my folks went through to pay for his last minute "OMG I CAN"T PAY AND THEY ARE KICKING ME OUT" calls. You son reminds me of them. Sadly, you have NO ability to make him accept that $$. Well, you CAN send the college a check for whatever you want and his name/ssn/student ID on it and they are not going to give it back to you. He could still pay the full amt on top if he was that idiotic. But that is probably NOT the best things for now. Let him know the college money is there. That his dreams may just be dreams because there are NOT that many highly paid internships, though chemistry is a field that does have them. But those high paid internships come with background and drug tests AND companies check your social media sites to see who you are = and that big bowl of pot? Is NOT going to get him that fancy internship much less that fancy job. It isn't the stumbling block it used to be in SOME areas, but in MANY it still puts you out of the running for very competitive jobs. I DO know a guy who was making 60K a year as a college intern in chemistry way back in the late 80's. I knew the guy really well and saw the paystubs from his job, so I know it was NOT a lie. But the guy I knew was way past incredibly brilliant. In addition, he had family connections. They allowed him to access jobs that most people just can't. I hope your son isn't preparing for a fall, but in some ways you learn more from the fall than from anything else. You can't make difficult child see reality. the world will do that soon enough. Continue to deny him access to your finances because he sounds like the type would would abuse the info to do things like identity theft when times get hard. LOTS of kids see that as "easy" and "no one gets hurt" esp if they "just" do it to mom and dad. in my opinion you have done all you can. School, life, supporting himself, those are now his jobs and he has made it clear he wants nothing from you in that way. Long term planning isn't something teens do. So the benefits of using his trust vs loans isn't going to mean much. But don't give him that cd straight out - write the checks to the school and if he says it is "his money" tell him that you are paying "his bills" with hit and that YOUR name is on that acct also for this very reason. I would tell him straight out that you won't hand a drug user money, esp not that much. Just not happening. You don't have to tiptoe around it. He clearly uses at least pot (and if they admit that, they almost always are using more) and you won't support it with any resources you have control over. If he objects, I am sure that their is an age clause and he can just wait until he is old enough to access the money with-o your approval. It is what it is. [/QUOTE]
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Finally had "the talk" with- difficult child, not the outcome I expected, neither good nor bad
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