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Family of Origin
Finding Self Worth- Embracing Vulnerability
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 673231" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>That is a huge piece of why we do this so private work in public. (That, and that the site is anonymous.) </p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Part of it is to help others coming through their own processes, but also to erase the shame in who we are, or in who we were taught we were or could be, by standing publicly in our place that we are. Here is a story I tell all the time. So, a young Buddhist monk is dumped by a woman for another man. In his shame, the monk throws himself into the community cesspool. There is a pole there in the center of the cesspool. He clings to it so he will not drown. His intention is not to do himself in, but to face shame, to externalize the pain of shame. He stays defiantly in the cesspool night and day and night. The other monks call to him to come out, to take food, to smell the sweet rain. No. He grits his teeth and hangs on to the pole and stays in the externalized humiliation of shame. One night, the moon rises, full and round and white and in its light, a lotus blooms.</p><p></p><p>The monk climbs out.</p><p></p><p>*** </p><p></p><p>Back to us and what we are all working very hard to accomplish.</p><p></p><p>It has something to do with flexibility and rigidity, and with artifacts of the role rigidity in our Families of Origin. I think this. I don't know whether it is true or not. Serenity posted an article for us once about the differences between functional and dysfunctional families having to do with role rigidity in dysfunctional ones. For those raised in families where stringent role rigidity was the rule, we will leap, performing automatically from the roles assigned to us by our abusers. <em>This protects the Child within from core vulnerability. Protects her from the abandonment issues the abusive family system blackmails its members with to guarantee compliance with the primary abuser's needs, whatever they are ~ usually, I think, some form of power-over. It also pops us into role, not real. </em>This (I think) is how we evolved, or were twisted into, a stance of external, rather than internal, locus of control. I think this. I don't know whether it is true.</p><p></p><p>I do know it has been harmful to us in our lifetimes that we are externally, and not internally, aligned.</p><p></p><p>It has been to me, anyway.</p><p></p><p>Okay. So, Genghis Khan was said to hawk and spit into the mouths of his Generals, to display his dominance. The chosen General believed himself to have been singled out and blessed, to be able to display his loyalty to the Khan in this way. </p><p></p><p>That is the kind of thing I mean.</p><p></p><p>That is the grandiosity of the tyrant. For the General, whose reward system is so messed up, serving the Khan's smallest wish is all that matters.</p><p></p><p>That is external locus of control.</p><p></p><p>So, the General, after a hard day of grovelling to the Khan, goes home and spits on everyone else.</p><p></p><p>That is a dysfunctional family system.</p><p></p><p>Says me, and no one else, ever.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>But I feel badly too when I don't get any stars, or when someone seems to be thinking like, "For heaven's sake. Is she going there again?!?" Know what I do, then? I think: "Let me win. If I cannot win, let me be brave."</p><p></p><p>And most times, I don't win darn it, and I am not brave, either.</p><p></p><p>Huh.</p><p></p><p>Because what I really want is to be all perfect and never wrong and always funny and kind and etc. But instead, I am coming real.</p><p></p><p>Ouch.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 673231, member: 17461"] Yes. That is a huge piece of why we do this so private work in public. (That, and that the site is anonymous.) :O) Part of it is to help others coming through their own processes, but also to erase the shame in who we are, or in who we were taught we were or could be, by standing publicly in our place that we are. Here is a story I tell all the time. So, a young Buddhist monk is dumped by a woman for another man. In his shame, the monk throws himself into the community cesspool. There is a pole there in the center of the cesspool. He clings to it so he will not drown. His intention is not to do himself in, but to face shame, to externalize the pain of shame. He stays defiantly in the cesspool night and day and night. The other monks call to him to come out, to take food, to smell the sweet rain. No. He grits his teeth and hangs on to the pole and stays in the externalized humiliation of shame. One night, the moon rises, full and round and white and in its light, a lotus blooms. The monk climbs out. *** Back to us and what we are all working very hard to accomplish. It has something to do with flexibility and rigidity, and with artifacts of the role rigidity in our Families of Origin. I think this. I don't know whether it is true or not. Serenity posted an article for us once about the differences between functional and dysfunctional families having to do with role rigidity in dysfunctional ones. For those raised in families where stringent role rigidity was the rule, we will leap, performing automatically from the roles assigned to us by our abusers. [I]This protects the Child within from core vulnerability. Protects her from the abandonment issues the abusive family system blackmails its members with to guarantee compliance with the primary abuser's needs, whatever they are ~ usually, I think, some form of power-over. It also pops us into role, not real. [/I]This (I think) is how we evolved, or were twisted into, a stance of external, rather than internal, locus of control. I think this. I don't know whether it is true. I do know it has been harmful to us in our lifetimes that we are externally, and not internally, aligned. It has been to me, anyway. Okay. So, Genghis Khan was said to hawk and spit into the mouths of his Generals, to display his dominance. The chosen General believed himself to have been singled out and blessed, to be able to display his loyalty to the Khan in this way. That is the kind of thing I mean. That is the grandiosity of the tyrant. For the General, whose reward system is so messed up, serving the Khan's smallest wish is all that matters. That is external locus of control. So, the General, after a hard day of grovelling to the Khan, goes home and spits on everyone else. That is a dysfunctional family system. Says me, and no one else, ever. *** But I feel badly too when I don't get any stars, or when someone seems to be thinking like, "For heaven's sake. Is she going there again?!?" Know what I do, then? I think: "Let me win. If I cannot win, let me be brave." And most times, I don't win darn it, and I am not brave, either. Huh. Because what I really want is to be all perfect and never wrong and always funny and kind and etc. But instead, I am coming real. Ouch. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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