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First "not mean" contact from Difficult Child in several years
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 758919" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear Seeking</p><p></p><p>I haven't had a chance yet to read the other posts but my sense is that the note from y our son is of the type I might call "have you stopped beating your wife?" (The type is called a "loaded question." I extracted part of the definition from Wikipedia and posted it below.)</p><p></p><p>There would be no way to respond to him that would be affirming, I fear. He has structured the communication as lose/lose to you. Either you are forced to argue for your truth, against his or you are forced to accept his version of reality. I think this note is not only manipulative, it's aggressive. It may be passive aggressive but it's aggressive, still. </p><p></p><p>After reading the wikipedia entry I see you could respond: <em>We have never rejected you. </em> And then leave it at that. This way you speak up for yourselves. And he doesn't score a win. And then leave it at that. </p><p></p><p> Yet, I don't think I would respond at all. I might (try) to let him stew in his own juices. Why play his game? What does it serve? But you have a choice of actions to take.</p><p></p><p>If someday he wants to communicate or relate to you, from a true and responsible place, let him go to a therapist or to a 12 step group or a house of worship, and learn to be present to himself and to you. You've told him you love him so many times. He knows. You can say it again, why not? </p><p></p><p>He wants something from you. And he is very angry at you. He doesn't yet accept responsibility for himself or his life. He holds you responsible. This remains dangerous, I fear. Your son has hurt badly many people. He doesn't see it still, or care. That's sad.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry this is happening, Seeking. I guess what I am saying is that while this note from difficult son is less overtly aggressive and hostile, to me it's still mean.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 758919, member: 18958"] Dear Seeking I haven't had a chance yet to read the other posts but my sense is that the note from y our son is of the type I might call "have you stopped beating your wife?" (The type is called a "loaded question." I extracted part of the definition from Wikipedia and posted it below.) There would be no way to respond to him that would be affirming, I fear. He has structured the communication as lose/lose to you. Either you are forced to argue for your truth, against his or you are forced to accept his version of reality. I think this note is not only manipulative, it's aggressive. It may be passive aggressive but it's aggressive, still. After reading the wikipedia entry I see you could respond: [I]We have never rejected you. [/I] And then leave it at that. This way you speak up for yourselves. And he doesn't score a win. And then leave it at that. Yet, I don't think I would respond at all. I might (try) to let him stew in his own juices. Why play his game? What does it serve? But you have a choice of actions to take. If someday he wants to communicate or relate to you, from a true and responsible place, let him go to a therapist or to a 12 step group or a house of worship, and learn to be present to himself and to you. You've told him you love him so many times. He knows. You can say it again, why not? He wants something from you. And he is very angry at you. He doesn't yet accept responsibility for himself or his life. He holds you responsible. This remains dangerous, I fear. Your son has hurt badly many people. He doesn't see it still, or care. That's sad. I'm sorry this is happening, Seeking. I guess what I am saying is that while this note from difficult son is less overtly aggressive and hostile, to me it's still mean. [/QUOTE]
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