Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
First visit with Social Worker
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="seriously" data-source="post: 427062" data-attributes="member: 11920"><p>Hi Amy -</p><p></p><p>Have you followed up with your pediatrician about getting a neuropsychologist evaluation?</p><p></p><p>Did you tell the social worker about your son saying he wants to die?</p><p></p><p>Were you able to pick up a copy of The Explosive Child by Ross Greene? I think someone suggested that book and I recommend it too. I know you went to a lecture but I think you should get a copy of the book too.</p><p></p><p>Frankly, given the level of behaviors that have developed at home, you are not going to see changes in 5 days and it's pretty unrealistic of you to expect that. Is that about how long you have persisted in trying other interventions at home before you give up?</p><p></p><p>Do you have a set bedtime routine? Starts about the same time every night, done in the same order and includes some one-on-one time with him reading a book or listening to a story or you singing to him?</p><p></p><p>I get the sense from your posts that you feel helpless to change his behavior and reluctant to express your authority as the parent/adult. Is this right or am I misinterpreting things?</p><p></p><p>If that is how you are feeling then the changes need to happen first with you and husband. You must get really clear that you are the parents and you are the ones setting the agenda, not him.</p><p></p><p>When you have a willful child (let's assume it's mostly that rather than something biologically wrong) you have to exert your will at least as strongly as he is exerting his. You must be prepared to walk away when he's throwing a fit. You must be prepared to level consequences appropriate to his age and situation without hesitation/remorse/guilt. </p><p></p><p>You must be in control of the pattern of his day and be pretty inflexible about enforcing that pattern. You cannot argue with him and you MUST level consequences. If he trashes his room, he has to pick it up before he gets dinner, goes outside to play, gets to use a computer or video game. If he has a tantrum and kicks holes in his door or walls then he loses his door until he can demonstrate that he isn't going to damage property in the house. Say something once and then walk away. You must use actions more than words to get the message across. If he's having trouble in the car you pull over, take out a book and ignore him until he stops. Then you start the car and drive on. If he's throwing a fit in the store you tell him to stop. If he doesn't you leave.</p><p></p><p>It's inconvenient. It's annoying. It may make you late to appointments or force you to do an errand later. But it will work - if you do it consistently until he is an adult. YOU have to build time for it into your day, all day, every day for the next 12 years.</p><p></p><p>Yep. Until he's an adult. Because he will test you now and again. If he has cognitive issues or problems with impulse control or mental illness - you should probably expect that one of you is going to have to stop working full time to stay home with him because you will not be able to leave him alone when he gets older. If you don't learn this lesson - he won't either. And he will still be doing this when he's 16 and bigger and stronger than you.</p><p></p><p>Our oldest son is severely physically disabled. We understood and accepted that we could not just jump up and go somewhere on a whim or change the pattern of his day because something "came up". Well this is actually the same but the disability is on the inside not the outside. Where before we had to allow time to get our older son dressed, into his wheelchair and loaded into the van - now with our younger son we have to allow time for challenging behavior.</p><p></p><p>You and husband must absolutely be on the same page and take the same "actions not words" approach. You must be willing to level consequences - loss of play dates, loss of video games or time watching TV, going to his room for the night/day because he can't get along/be nice, loss of dessert or other special things. </p><p></p><p>You must inspect what you expect - if he's to clean up a mess then you inspect afterwards and make him do a good job. Think long term. When you are tempted to overlook something really bad like kicking a hole in a wall or spitting on you ask yourself "what lesson am I teaching him?" Then ask yourself - is this a lesson that will serve him well when he's 18 and trying to get a job or when he's 30 and has kids of his own?</p><p></p><p>If you can do these things NOW it will pay off in the long run.</p><p></p><p>We have struggled with this and I really think it has contributed a lot to the issues we are having now with our 15 yo son. He clearly has mental health problems but we have decided that those issues cannot be the most important thing in his life. We are treating him as much as possible as if we believe that he can control his behavior, that he can conform to the expectations we would have of a "normal" child, that we should hold him accountable while teaching him that he can have the same goals as all the other kids his age and that he can achieve those goals if he decides that he wants to.</p><p></p><p>And things are changing - for the better. And we feel better too - because we no longer feel beat down, helpless and uncertain. </p><p></p><p>But do not expect results this month. Improvement will be incremental but it will come. You can't give up on him or give in to him and you must be prepared to do the hard work of parenting a kid who needs more attention and support and structure than most. It's what you signed up for when you had him and you will do a great job - once you accept the nature of the challenge.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Hugs.</p><p></p><p>PJ</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="seriously, post: 427062, member: 11920"] Hi Amy - Have you followed up with your pediatrician about getting a neuropsychologist evaluation? Did you tell the social worker about your son saying he wants to die? Were you able to pick up a copy of The Explosive Child by Ross Greene? I think someone suggested that book and I recommend it too. I know you went to a lecture but I think you should get a copy of the book too. Frankly, given the level of behaviors that have developed at home, you are not going to see changes in 5 days and it's pretty unrealistic of you to expect that. Is that about how long you have persisted in trying other interventions at home before you give up? Do you have a set bedtime routine? Starts about the same time every night, done in the same order and includes some one-on-one time with him reading a book or listening to a story or you singing to him? I get the sense from your posts that you feel helpless to change his behavior and reluctant to express your authority as the parent/adult. Is this right or am I misinterpreting things? If that is how you are feeling then the changes need to happen first with you and husband. You must get really clear that you are the parents and you are the ones setting the agenda, not him. When you have a willful child (let's assume it's mostly that rather than something biologically wrong) you have to exert your will at least as strongly as he is exerting his. You must be prepared to walk away when he's throwing a fit. You must be prepared to level consequences appropriate to his age and situation without hesitation/remorse/guilt. You must be in control of the pattern of his day and be pretty inflexible about enforcing that pattern. You cannot argue with him and you MUST level consequences. If he trashes his room, he has to pick it up before he gets dinner, goes outside to play, gets to use a computer or video game. If he has a tantrum and kicks holes in his door or walls then he loses his door until he can demonstrate that he isn't going to damage property in the house. Say something once and then walk away. You must use actions more than words to get the message across. If he's having trouble in the car you pull over, take out a book and ignore him until he stops. Then you start the car and drive on. If he's throwing a fit in the store you tell him to stop. If he doesn't you leave. It's inconvenient. It's annoying. It may make you late to appointments or force you to do an errand later. But it will work - if you do it consistently until he is an adult. YOU have to build time for it into your day, all day, every day for the next 12 years. Yep. Until he's an adult. Because he will test you now and again. If he has cognitive issues or problems with impulse control or mental illness - you should probably expect that one of you is going to have to stop working full time to stay home with him because you will not be able to leave him alone when he gets older. If you don't learn this lesson - he won't either. And he will still be doing this when he's 16 and bigger and stronger than you. Our oldest son is severely physically disabled. We understood and accepted that we could not just jump up and go somewhere on a whim or change the pattern of his day because something "came up". Well this is actually the same but the disability is on the inside not the outside. Where before we had to allow time to get our older son dressed, into his wheelchair and loaded into the van - now with our younger son we have to allow time for challenging behavior. You and husband must absolutely be on the same page and take the same "actions not words" approach. You must be willing to level consequences - loss of play dates, loss of video games or time watching TV, going to his room for the night/day because he can't get along/be nice, loss of dessert or other special things. You must inspect what you expect - if he's to clean up a mess then you inspect afterwards and make him do a good job. Think long term. When you are tempted to overlook something really bad like kicking a hole in a wall or spitting on you ask yourself "what lesson am I teaching him?" Then ask yourself - is this a lesson that will serve him well when he's 18 and trying to get a job or when he's 30 and has kids of his own? If you can do these things NOW it will pay off in the long run. We have struggled with this and I really think it has contributed a lot to the issues we are having now with our 15 yo son. He clearly has mental health problems but we have decided that those issues cannot be the most important thing in his life. We are treating him as much as possible as if we believe that he can control his behavior, that he can conform to the expectations we would have of a "normal" child, that we should hold him accountable while teaching him that he can have the same goals as all the other kids his age and that he can achieve those goals if he decides that he wants to. And things are changing - for the better. And we feel better too - because we no longer feel beat down, helpless and uncertain. But do not expect results this month. Improvement will be incremental but it will come. You can't give up on him or give in to him and you must be prepared to do the hard work of parenting a kid who needs more attention and support and structure than most. It's what you signed up for when you had him and you will do a great job - once you accept the nature of the challenge. Hugs. PJ [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
First visit with Social Worker
Top