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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 576146" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Well, it does sound as if you need to set some clear ground rules. Your son has all the power and is holding you and your husband hostage with his behavior. Coming over to use the shower when you are having a party is unacceptable behavior. It may be prudent for you and your husband to sit down and decide what boundaries you must have with your son and stick to them. His drinking on top of his illness will exacerbate the behavior, so you need to set some guidelines on his alcohol use where YOU are concerned. It doesn't sound as if he is doing anything for his own recovery. I agree with MWM, if there is substance abuse, he should not have any money from you. If you are helping with the bills, pay them directly. He sounds almost completely dependent on you for what sounds like way too much. These issues are so debilitating to families, it sounds as if you are in the middle of your husband and your difficult child. You guys needs support. 12 step groups like Al Anon, or Codependents Anonymous are so helpful, they also have groups for families. It's good you're calling NAMI, get yourself all the support you can, because in order to detach from our kids, WE <em>need </em>all the support we can get. It's a tough road, but it's necessary for the health of your family and the ultimate well being of your son. He has you tied up in knots trying to figure out how to take care of him when he makes no moves to take care of himself. I know how easy it is to get there, but you have to let go of that kind of thinking and allow him to make his bad choices and suffer the natural consequences of that behavior without stepping in. And, I know it's very hard. Get yourself some support so you can make the changes necessary to detach from your son. I'm sorry this is all happening. However, the good news is that you have reached a point where you realize changes need to be made and you've make good initial steps. Stay the course, learn all you can, learn the tools necessary to detach, get the support, listen to what others in similar boats have done (NAMI parent groups are wonderful) set strict boundaries with him and learn what enabling is so you can stop doing it. ((((HUGS))))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 576146, member: 13542"] Well, it does sound as if you need to set some clear ground rules. Your son has all the power and is holding you and your husband hostage with his behavior. Coming over to use the shower when you are having a party is unacceptable behavior. It may be prudent for you and your husband to sit down and decide what boundaries you must have with your son and stick to them. His drinking on top of his illness will exacerbate the behavior, so you need to set some guidelines on his alcohol use where YOU are concerned. It doesn't sound as if he is doing anything for his own recovery. I agree with MWM, if there is substance abuse, he should not have any money from you. If you are helping with the bills, pay them directly. He sounds almost completely dependent on you for what sounds like way too much. These issues are so debilitating to families, it sounds as if you are in the middle of your husband and your difficult child. You guys needs support. 12 step groups like Al Anon, or Codependents Anonymous are so helpful, they also have groups for families. It's good you're calling NAMI, get yourself all the support you can, because in order to detach from our kids, WE [I]need [/I]all the support we can get. It's a tough road, but it's necessary for the health of your family and the ultimate well being of your son. He has you tied up in knots trying to figure out how to take care of him when he makes no moves to take care of himself. I know how easy it is to get there, but you have to let go of that kind of thinking and allow him to make his bad choices and suffer the natural consequences of that behavior without stepping in. And, I know it's very hard. Get yourself some support so you can make the changes necessary to detach from your son. I'm sorry this is all happening. However, the good news is that you have reached a point where you realize changes need to be made and you've make good initial steps. Stay the course, learn all you can, learn the tools necessary to detach, get the support, listen to what others in similar boats have done (NAMI parent groups are wonderful) set strict boundaries with him and learn what enabling is so you can stop doing it. ((((HUGS)))) [/QUOTE]
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