Flu musings from the couch........

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by recoveringenabler, Jan 19, 2015.

  1. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I've been on my couch for 6 days now. I have some flu bug which is going around Northern California. It seems everyone has it. I've read theories about the cold/flu giving the body an opportunity to rid itself of toxins. I'm choosing to believe that. Last year I got rid of a lot of emotional/mental/spiritual toxins and now the more dense part (my body) is doing the same, makes sense to me.

    It certainly gives one time to reflect. And, it's a New Year, it's a time of normal reflection, on the changes of the last year, the promise of a New Year, the sorrows left behind, the promises of a new beginning.........feeling a tad pensive........(being on a couch this long will do that to you)

    Last year is looking like it was the year of transitions. Letting go of my daughter and her choices and demanding to be treated with respect and consideration from her altered so much of my reality. I became willing to walk away from her. I think I did emotionally and physically. Then the judgment of her stopped. Then she came back an entirely different person. I don't know why. It doesn't even matter. It still is what it is. She is still basically homeless but has found another temporary place to stay. Right now, it's all okay. She just texted me that she is safe and happy. That big deep breath of relief is still present when I hear that. I just don't go far out in the scary chaos of uncertainty..........or maybe I've just learned to live in uncertainty with a bit more grace and acceptance. Whatever it is, I spend a lot more time feeling peaceful and comfortable, and more calm and present than I ever have.

    My granddaughter has now been away in college for 5 months. She came home for the holidays, long enough to give both my husband and I the flu! An unexpected Christmas gift! Clearly she is moving in the direction of her own life, wanting so much to test her wings and fly alone. She's made some unique mistakes which pulled me into her life for a moment, but I have learned so much with her mother about detaching and accepting, that I said what I needed to say and then, remarkably, I let it go. This time I can let her make those mistakes I could not let her mother make without my continuing interference and lectures on what is right and what is wrong. She'll figure it out, she's a smart girl. What an enormous relief it was to realize that I could let go of her at 18. I didn't know I was ALLOWED to do that. I thought it was some rule that you had to hold on and keep on keeping on with the parenting thing. (Isn't that written somewhere in some parenting Bible?) I'm here if she needs me, she can call anytime and ask for help. But, she wants to do it on her own. I'm gonna let her!

    In addition to letting go of some judgements, I am also learning how to let go of comparisons. I notice I am not impacted by my daughters actions and comparing myself to other people who have typical kids. I have a broader view of it now, other peoples accomplished kids don't diminish how I feel about my own daughter or make me feel "less then" or as if I did something wrong. She and I have come a long way and that has it's own special quality of success in it. We survived a war of sorts and somehow realizing that took away all the rest of it. It leveled the playing field for me.........

    I think that the inauthentic parts of me which have been stuck in being perfect and the wounded parts of me stuck in the past and the controlling parts of me stuck in the future have all collided in the present.........and here we all are...........in the now. It's created a genesis. I've practiced and practiced with letting go and accepting what is............ so that I could just be here now..........and let go of the past, and not be worrying about the future, both seem to be based in fear........so this very long journey with my daughter has pulled me out of a whole lot of fear and placed me right here in the moment...........and here's a kicker, right here you know what there is an awful lot of? Love. There's a whole lot of Love.

    I remember reading a long time ago in a very simple book, (in fact I think it was called), Love is letting go of fear. There is so much fear in this journey with our kids, perhaps it brings up all our fears..........and for me, I had to look at each one and dispel it, come to grips with it, learn to live with it and finally accept it. And, then it would dissipate. But living it was really, really bad. Living in fear is the absolute worst place to live. And, with all the lessons in my life, learning to let go of my daughter, without a moments hesitation, was the hardest thing I've ever done......and conversely, it was the single most valuable thing to catapult me out of living in fear. I'm not fearless, but I am not living in fear anymore. Control is about fear. Living in the future is about fear. Perfectionism is about fear. Fear dominated my life in many ways and now it doesn't. I am not sure, (for me), that there could be more to be grateful for than that.

    Well, that is my story and for today, I am sticking to it..........
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  2. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    With the flu on the 6th day, you are more articulate, moving and intuitive than I could ever hope to be on my best day! I love your posts and always learn something each time I read them. You're a blessing. Get well soon.
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    RE, what a beautiful post, it's so affirming and offers so much hope to those who are just getting started on their journey with a difficult child.
    I'm sorry you are sick but so happy it afforded you time to reflect and share with us.
    Hope you feel better soon.

  4. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Yes, yes, that is it, but I had not realized that was the worst thing. It is.

    Get better. sorry you have the flu. Surely, tomorrow you will feel so much better.

    My last year before retirement, I had the flu. My first day back to work, I dug some years-old-makeup out of the drawer. The assistant principal said, Look she's wearing make-up! She must feel better! No, I replied. I'm wearing make-up so as not to scare everybody.

    Rough stuff, that flu.
  5. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    What a beautiful post, RE. I hope you feel better soon.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I loved that post.

    Hope you are heading towards the mend and are back to regular activities soon.