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For 18 years I worried about this reunion
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 305887" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Nancy, </p><p> </p><p>When you first wrote about her it sounded to me like she was all a very me person. The first thing out of her mouth was how this entire reunion affected her. I think there was some discussion about that too. I tried to be understanding of the other point of view, and was - but from an adoptee point of view - (shrug) I really felt that her first thoughts should have been about difficult child, and not herself. That said - and knowing how you feel about this? I think YOU should go talk to her. I think it would do YOU good to face this woman and tell her what you are thinking. I really do. </p><p> </p><p>She has used her "genetic" bs as an excuse ALL HER ENTIRE LIFE. Her first comment when faced with possible reunion and hearing about a struggling child she brought into this world was not that of pity or remorse. Nope - it was "Well it's GENETIC." BALONEY. I think I'd want to see this woman and tell her that whomever in HER life told her that genetics gave her a free pass/excuse to mess up her life was wrong and further more it sure the H doesn't give her the right to tell an innocent that HER life should be a loss because of HER skewed thinking. </p><p> </p><p>Six weeks and now what? Oh The GUILT is killing me? I guess that's genetic too. Fooey. She needs to be told to get off the pity wagon - she's rode it for 18 years and in the mean time she not only CHOSE to mess up her life, but now instead of saying "Sorry - I can't further mess up this childs life - hands out another empty promise?" Nah. </p><p> </p><p>I do have empathy for Mothers who give up their children at birth. It's a noble thing. I think it has to be one of the hardest things ever. Shouldn't it make the rest of your life meaningful instead of one big pity party? Wouldn't MOST Mothers do ANYTHING in their power to have a chance at seeing their child again? Nope not this woman. And PLEASE do not misunderstand me Nancy. I'm NOT saying for you to go and berate her. Not at all. I'm saying that this is an oportunity for you to go, sit and tell this woman - 18 years is long enough to punish yourself and/or pity yourself and let her know that this kid is actually LOOKING FORWARD to a meeting. If she is still in a mind of "pity me, it's genetic" after you talk to her? Then to heck with her. I'd shut the door and tell her she deserves to live whatever way she sees fit - but that you wanted to see her face to face and Mother to ...whatever and let her know how much this would mean to YOUR daughter. How much it could heal this little girl. </p><p> </p><p>If she's rejecting it after that? Serioulsy - the heck with her. But before I left her? I would make sure that I told her WHAT I was going to tell my daughter as to WHY her biomom was NOT going to speak and meet with her. I would tell her what I was going to say - and let that woman hear it word for hurtful word and ask her if she could live with that. And I'd tell difficult child that you tried, and that her biomom was not able to meet with her and then I'd tell her that you talked with biomom, and this is why she could not meet with her. </p><p> </p><p>THen it's done. ANd maybe one way or another you can all move on with your lives. </p><p> </p><p>and maybe---you talking to biomom with straight - stop the genetic pity party - will have a lot of healing for her, difficult child and you. That would be my hope above hope.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 305887, member: 4964"] Nancy, When you first wrote about her it sounded to me like she was all a very me person. The first thing out of her mouth was how this entire reunion affected her. I think there was some discussion about that too. I tried to be understanding of the other point of view, and was - but from an adoptee point of view - (shrug) I really felt that her first thoughts should have been about difficult child, and not herself. That said - and knowing how you feel about this? I think YOU should go talk to her. I think it would do YOU good to face this woman and tell her what you are thinking. I really do. She has used her "genetic" bs as an excuse ALL HER ENTIRE LIFE. Her first comment when faced with possible reunion and hearing about a struggling child she brought into this world was not that of pity or remorse. Nope - it was "Well it's GENETIC." BALONEY. I think I'd want to see this woman and tell her that whomever in HER life told her that genetics gave her a free pass/excuse to mess up her life was wrong and further more it sure the H doesn't give her the right to tell an innocent that HER life should be a loss because of HER skewed thinking. Six weeks and now what? Oh The GUILT is killing me? I guess that's genetic too. Fooey. She needs to be told to get off the pity wagon - she's rode it for 18 years and in the mean time she not only CHOSE to mess up her life, but now instead of saying "Sorry - I can't further mess up this childs life - hands out another empty promise?" Nah. I do have empathy for Mothers who give up their children at birth. It's a noble thing. I think it has to be one of the hardest things ever. Shouldn't it make the rest of your life meaningful instead of one big pity party? Wouldn't MOST Mothers do ANYTHING in their power to have a chance at seeing their child again? Nope not this woman. And PLEASE do not misunderstand me Nancy. I'm NOT saying for you to go and berate her. Not at all. I'm saying that this is an oportunity for you to go, sit and tell this woman - 18 years is long enough to punish yourself and/or pity yourself and let her know that this kid is actually LOOKING FORWARD to a meeting. If she is still in a mind of "pity me, it's genetic" after you talk to her? Then to heck with her. I'd shut the door and tell her she deserves to live whatever way she sees fit - but that you wanted to see her face to face and Mother to ...whatever and let her know how much this would mean to YOUR daughter. How much it could heal this little girl. If she's rejecting it after that? Serioulsy - the heck with her. But before I left her? I would make sure that I told her WHAT I was going to tell my daughter as to WHY her biomom was NOT going to speak and meet with her. I would tell her what I was going to say - and let that woman hear it word for hurtful word and ask her if she could live with that. And I'd tell difficult child that you tried, and that her biomom was not able to meet with her and then I'd tell her that you talked with biomom, and this is why she could not meet with her. THen it's done. ANd maybe one way or another you can all move on with your lives. and maybe---you talking to biomom with straight - stop the genetic pity party - will have a lot of healing for her, difficult child and you. That would be my hope above hope. [/QUOTE]
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