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For Cedar or anyone: My dad did it again...
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 650882" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I so get this, MWM. </p><p></p><p>There are people who see that same trust and intimacy through which other families come together and establish family identity as grist for the betrayal mill.</p><p>It's like they can't help but try to destroy the reputations of their siblings, their own husbands behind their backs, their friends, even their parents.</p><p></p><p>Nothing is sacred.</p><p></p><p>Anyone who trusts them, they betray in this same way.</p><p></p><p>I don't know why, and I don't understand the payoff very well.</p><p></p><p>I hope I don't do this.</p><p></p><p>I think it must be something about feeling so badly about themselves that they think their reputations could never be reclaimed and so they have to destroy everything about those they pretend to love, about those they pretend to be safe harbors for. I think I see that pattern in my family of origin, too.</p><p>It's like being betrayed while they smile and hug you and they know all along their intents are nefarious.</p><p></p><p>They are opportunistic, like pirates.</p><p></p><p><em>And we don't know that because we refuse to believe it could be true!</em> Half the time, I berate myself for thinking such crummy things. By the time the family is finally done pulling all their stupid behind the scenes strings and tripping everyone up, I've pretty much done myself in and will believe I have no choice at all about how I am seen or treated.</p><p></p><p>So yeah, I definitely get why you would not want that sister to have your info.</p><p></p><p>She is certain to use it.</p><p></p><p>That is what they do.</p><p></p><p>I have seen wildly unbalanced "family gatherings" where the cruelest things are done, where one sibling or the other is excluded, or where grandchildren are favored or excluded <em>and no one mentions it.</em></p><p></p><p>And the family is weaker because of it of course, but still, it goes on and on.</p><p></p><p>Very strange.</p><p></p><p>And I know of one instance where someone did mention it, and he was punished. A grown man, making appropriate observations regarding the wrongness of the crazy, and <em>he</em> gets punished, is shamed and humiliated further.</p><p>I posted about that incident, once.</p><p></p><p>It's one of those crazy things where you know what you are seeing is wrong and you cannot believe it could possibly be what is happening...but it is happening.</p><p></p><p>It is exactly what it looks and feels like.</p><p></p><p>The wrongness is not in you or in me, MWM.</p><p></p><p>Our situations, our families of origin, were strange, cruel, stupidly hurtful places to be born into.</p><p></p><p>But here we are today, and now we know better than to believe them about who they tell us we are, or about who we might become. We just need to figure out how to live with that knowledge. It is easiest simply never to see them again <em>but they will never, ever leave us alone.</em></p><p></p><p>We have to fight them for them to leave us alone. I would be angry with my father, too. There is no peace once they know. They are frightening, hurtful people, and we are only ourselves, battling still to get through the things they taught us about who we were when we were too little to know better or too innocent to believe they could be wrong.</p><p></p><p>I suppose I need to say too that we (or at least I do) have the right and responsibility to ourselves to remember to be grateful, every single time these pointlessly hurtful things happen, that we know better than to believe them, now.</p><p></p><p>I agree that your sister and brother will use this, or any other thing they can get their sharp, greedy, celebratory little teeth into, to hurt you, to damage your reputation or to re-establish their own.</p><p></p><p>But that is okay.</p><p></p><p>You have dealt with harder things than this.</p><p></p><p>We don't get to say or even, understand one thing about the dynamic whirring away in the darkness at the hearts of our families of origin. But we do get to bless ourselves for the hurt of it. We do get to forgive that little girl we were, that little girl who tried so hard to do the right thing and who still carries the weird, hurtful scars of her growing up instead of the strength her growing up time should have given her.</p><p></p><p>But you know what?</p><p></p><p>We are doing really well, MWM. I mean, just look at all the things we have worked through and unraveled and come out of healed instead of broken and vulnerable.</p><p></p><p>We are never going to change them. I don't know why they target and hate us. But I do know the hatred seems to be a rabid thing they cannot control. It's like a reflex or an addiction or something, and it is always at work and they don't mind pretending to love us when really, they don't. Maybe, they are lying to themselves, just the same way they are lying to and betraying, us.</p><p></p><p>So, we don't need to do anything about it, because nothing can be done.</p><p></p><p>You are fine.</p><p></p><p>For today, I am upright, too. I have not heard from my family of origin for awhile. I am sure I will. And when I do, I will be the one coming here for help regaining my equilibrium.</p><p></p><p>Because we can't see it for ourselves, how very unbelievably subtly (to us) toxic our families of origin are and have been. A healing wound is a vulnerable place, but we are healing.</p><p></p><p>Boy are we.</p><p></p><p>F them.</p><p></p><p>(Sorry MWM. I know you don't swear. I do. I especially love to swear where my twisted, wicked family of origin is concerned. Roaring, lusty swear words! Ha ha ~ good for me!!!)</p><p></p><p>Ahem.</p><p></p><p>[MEDIA=youtube]_03zn8Vq6iw[/MEDIA]</p><p></p><p>(Jerking herself back to the present moment, Cedar, no longer Cap'n Dan from Forrest Gump riding out the storm at the top of the spar but only herself again, goes on.</p><p></p><p>It's like salt spray, MWM. Rubbing salt into an open wound, but (Cedar grates, curling her lip and narrowing just one eye like the strongest, scariest pirate in the world) they will never. sink. this. boat.</p><p></p><p>I cannot believe they would choose this sick way of interacting over just being so glad to see everybody together. But they do choose that sick, battered old bag of a family identity, every single time.</p><p></p><p>But that's okay. We don't have to understand it. We only have to know it is what it is.</p><p></p><p>And we do.</p><p></p><p>Ouch.</p><p></p><p>Sucks to be us.</p><p></p><p>But not that bad.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 650882, member: 17461"] I so get this, MWM. There are people who see that same trust and intimacy through which other families come together and establish family identity as grist for the betrayal mill. It's like they can't help but try to destroy the reputations of their siblings, their own husbands behind their backs, their friends, even their parents. Nothing is sacred. Anyone who trusts them, they betray in this same way. I don't know why, and I don't understand the payoff very well. I hope I don't do this. I think it must be something about feeling so badly about themselves that they think their reputations could never be reclaimed and so they have to destroy everything about those they pretend to love, about those they pretend to be safe harbors for. I think I see that pattern in my family of origin, too. It's like being betrayed while they smile and hug you and they know all along their intents are nefarious. They are opportunistic, like pirates. [I]And we don't know that because we refuse to believe it could be true![/I] Half the time, I berate myself for thinking such crummy things. By the time the family is finally done pulling all their stupid behind the scenes strings and tripping everyone up, I've pretty much done myself in and will believe I have no choice at all about how I am seen or treated. So yeah, I definitely get why you would not want that sister to have your info. She is certain to use it. That is what they do. I have seen wildly unbalanced "family gatherings" where the cruelest things are done, where one sibling or the other is excluded, or where grandchildren are favored or excluded [I]and no one mentions it.[/I] And the family is weaker because of it of course, but still, it goes on and on. Very strange. And I know of one instance where someone did mention it, and he was punished. A grown man, making appropriate observations regarding the wrongness of the crazy, and [I]he[/I] gets punished, is shamed and humiliated further. I posted about that incident, once. It's one of those crazy things where you know what you are seeing is wrong and you cannot believe it could possibly be what is happening...but it is happening. It is exactly what it looks and feels like. The wrongness is not in you or in me, MWM. Our situations, our families of origin, were strange, cruel, stupidly hurtful places to be born into. But here we are today, and now we know better than to believe them about who they tell us we are, or about who we might become. We just need to figure out how to live with that knowledge. It is easiest simply never to see them again [I]but they will never, ever leave us alone.[/I] We have to fight them for them to leave us alone. I would be angry with my father, too. There is no peace once they know. They are frightening, hurtful people, and we are only ourselves, battling still to get through the things they taught us about who we were when we were too little to know better or too innocent to believe they could be wrong. I suppose I need to say too that we (or at least I do) have the right and responsibility to ourselves to remember to be grateful, every single time these pointlessly hurtful things happen, that we know better than to believe them, now. I agree that your sister and brother will use this, or any other thing they can get their sharp, greedy, celebratory little teeth into, to hurt you, to damage your reputation or to re-establish their own. But that is okay. You have dealt with harder things than this. We don't get to say or even, understand one thing about the dynamic whirring away in the darkness at the hearts of our families of origin. But we do get to bless ourselves for the hurt of it. We do get to forgive that little girl we were, that little girl who tried so hard to do the right thing and who still carries the weird, hurtful scars of her growing up instead of the strength her growing up time should have given her. But you know what? We are doing really well, MWM. I mean, just look at all the things we have worked through and unraveled and come out of healed instead of broken and vulnerable. We are never going to change them. I don't know why they target and hate us. But I do know the hatred seems to be a rabid thing they cannot control. It's like a reflex or an addiction or something, and it is always at work and they don't mind pretending to love us when really, they don't. Maybe, they are lying to themselves, just the same way they are lying to and betraying, us. So, we don't need to do anything about it, because nothing can be done. You are fine. For today, I am upright, too. I have not heard from my family of origin for awhile. I am sure I will. And when I do, I will be the one coming here for help regaining my equilibrium. Because we can't see it for ourselves, how very unbelievably subtly (to us) toxic our families of origin are and have been. A healing wound is a vulnerable place, but we are healing. Boy are we. F them. (Sorry MWM. I know you don't swear. I do. I especially love to swear where my twisted, wicked family of origin is concerned. Roaring, lusty swear words! Ha ha ~ good for me!!!) Ahem. [MEDIA=youtube]_03zn8Vq6iw[/MEDIA] (Jerking herself back to the present moment, Cedar, no longer Cap'n Dan from Forrest Gump riding out the storm at the top of the spar but only herself again, goes on. It's like salt spray, MWM. Rubbing salt into an open wound, but (Cedar grates, curling her lip and narrowing just one eye like the strongest, scariest pirate in the world) they will never. sink. this. boat. I cannot believe they would choose this sick way of interacting over just being so glad to see everybody together. But they do choose that sick, battered old bag of a family identity, every single time. But that's okay. We don't have to understand it. We only have to know it is what it is. And we do. Ouch. Sucks to be us. But not that bad. :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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For Cedar or anyone: My dad did it again...
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