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For Cedar or anyone: My dad did it again...
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 651268" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I used to think this way, too. But here is the question: Were you in competition with her? The answer is no. You will say yes, of course there was competition ~ as I would have, before I began to see what was really there.</p><p></p><p>When our families are deeply dysfunctional, nothing is what it seems and nothing is normal.</p><p></p><p>There is such a thing as normal competition between sibs ~ and then, there is cold hatred. There is getting only what you need; there is everyone getting enough. And there is excluding the other sibs, who don't feel real to you anyway, so you can have <em>or can hate and dominate, </em>the mother ~ which would be the ultimate win.</p><p></p><p>It has nothing to do with the other siblings. They are not real. (Perhaps this is how your sister could view her own brother as too ugly to be part of her wedding. His suffering or his triumph over his illness means nothing to her because he is not real.) It is about capturing and destroying the source of power ~ the dominant person in the parents' marriage.</p><p></p><p>I don't know why.</p><p></p><p>That is why, if ever my brother turns his back on my mother, I will step in. And that is probably also why, though our mother really treats him badly and is downright nasty about his grandchildren versus my sister's grandchild, my brother feels he needs to watch over his mother.</p><p></p><p>At bottom, everyone understands even the sickest family dynamic.</p><p></p><p>We only pretend we don't.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I love D H mom, too. Right to this minute, I love her, I like her, I am fond of her. One time? My mom was so rude to myself and D H. I posted about it here, at the time. We called D H mom and "told" on my mom.</p><p></p><p>It was terminally cool.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Is the sister a middle child?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Go now.</p><p></p><p>It is best to face the lies you have been brought up believing.</p><p></p><p>Take a painting class or a writing class or a history class. Having gone to college only means we were fortunate enough to have been able to go. It is not hard. It requires a time commitment, but it is not one bit hard.</p><p></p><p>Okay, statistics is hard.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Or, begin taking classes online. There is knowledge about every single thing out there on the internet, at whatever depth you wish to take it, for free. You only need to pay if you want those credits for a degree.</p><p></p><p>It's fun. I have taken two online classes, for no reason at all but that I wanted to know. You interact with your instructor, and there are many online sources of information if you have questions or need examples.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I wonder whether this is true.</p><p></p><p>I know for certain that appearance is an issue in families only when it represents a kind of currency ~ of power over. </p><p></p><p>And you know power over is all about getting the victim to believe lies.</p><p></p><p>I suspect you believe it, both because your sister wanted so desperately to be better (prettier) than you, and because you were the older sister, therefore gentler and more responsible. But more than anything, I think you were taught to see yourself as this sister needed you to see yourself to keep whatever fragile peace existed there.</p><p></p><p>Remember when I posted, on this thread, that I realize I am physically beautiful, and that I wished I had known? Nothing about my appearance has changed.</p><p></p><p>I can see, now.</p><p></p><p>I am so surprised. This is an unfolding event, for me. I am dreaming about it. It is the strangest thing. There are so many reflections of self that were formed during times of abuse. These are the places we can heal, MWM. When I dream those faces, even in my dreams, I am kind. I see them. I show them true things.</p><p></p><p>And I am healing.</p><p></p><p>Believing things that ultimately do not matter (like appearance) carry enormous weight is an indication that something is not right. Add your sister's anorexia. <em>That appearance means something to the sister tells me you are probably more attractive ~ and you know yourself beauty is not just a matter of the outside of a person.</em> Mostly what I know is that, between sisters and brothers, who is more beautiful, other than being a source of pride for the whole family, should not be an issue. If is is a real issue, replete with hurt and defenses and odd little happenings, then you can go there and find where you will be able to heal.</p><p></p><p>My sister has a picture of the two of us in her bathroom.</p><p></p><p>I have pictures of my sister, and of my sister and I, in my house? </p><p></p><p>But not in my bathroom.</p><p></p><p>So, I am on her mind alot, it seems.</p><p></p><p>There are no other pictures in her bathroom.</p><p></p><p>Just the one of my sister and me.</p><p></p><p>It isn't that they are bad, MWM. We aren't about condemning our sisters, but about healing ourselves. To do that, we need to see clearly who we have been led to believe we are, and why that is what happened instead of something else, of something better and sweeter and more real.</p><p></p><p>The deepest regret I have about my sister is that we never swung on the roof of a restaurant down here and watched the sun go down together.</p><p></p><p>We never did that because my sister did not want that.</p><p></p><p>When she and her husband were invited to a condo we had on the beach for awhile there, they left early so they could go down the beach and choose the better condo they would have rented, had they intended to rent a condo on the beach.</p><p></p><p>And then?</p><p></p><p>She told me that is what they had done.</p><p></p><p>It was the strangest thing.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>I love my sister, really.</p><p></p><p>I even love my mom, too.</p><p></p><p>But as it is with our difficult child kids, we need to be wary, and we need to be wise, and we need to keep our wits about us or we will go right down the tubes for nothing that makes sense.</p><p></p><p>It feels rude to tell the truth, but it is better to know.</p><p></p><p>Especially if your sister is so much younger than you, you must love her deeply. There is something wrong with her though, MWM. In healing yourself, maybe you will be able to help her heal, too. That is what they say. That if one member can become healthier, the others may choose, a space has been made for, something healthier for them, too.</p><p></p><p>But first we have to see, and that is a hard thing.</p><p></p><p>Everything is all wound together ~ hurt and defensiveness and shame and that feeling that we are not enough, that we were never enough.</p><p></p><p>That is how is it for me, anyway.</p><p></p><p>I will probably never believe I am enough.</p><p></p><p>But I am okay with that. Well, I am working on being just fine with it. There is a Buddhist practice that goes like this: Picture yourself exactly where you are in great detail. Then, forget you are there. </p><p></p><p>That is how we become present.</p><p></p><p>Works for me.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 651268, member: 17461"] I used to think this way, too. But here is the question: Were you in competition with her? The answer is no. You will say yes, of course there was competition ~ as I would have, before I began to see what was really there. When our families are deeply dysfunctional, nothing is what it seems and nothing is normal. There is such a thing as normal competition between sibs ~ and then, there is cold hatred. There is getting only what you need; there is everyone getting enough. And there is excluding the other sibs, who don't feel real to you anyway, so you can have [I]or can hate and dominate, [/I]the mother ~ which would be the ultimate win. It has nothing to do with the other siblings. They are not real. (Perhaps this is how your sister could view her own brother as too ugly to be part of her wedding. His suffering or his triumph over his illness means nothing to her because he is not real.) It is about capturing and destroying the source of power ~ the dominant person in the parents' marriage. I don't know why. That is why, if ever my brother turns his back on my mother, I will step in. And that is probably also why, though our mother really treats him badly and is downright nasty about his grandchildren versus my sister's grandchild, my brother feels he needs to watch over his mother. At bottom, everyone understands even the sickest family dynamic. We only pretend we don't. I love D H mom, too. Right to this minute, I love her, I like her, I am fond of her. One time? My mom was so rude to myself and D H. I posted about it here, at the time. We called D H mom and "told" on my mom. It was terminally cool. :O) Is the sister a middle child? Go now. It is best to face the lies you have been brought up believing. Take a painting class or a writing class or a history class. Having gone to college only means we were fortunate enough to have been able to go. It is not hard. It requires a time commitment, but it is not one bit hard. Okay, statistics is hard. :O) Or, begin taking classes online. There is knowledge about every single thing out there on the internet, at whatever depth you wish to take it, for free. You only need to pay if you want those credits for a degree. It's fun. I have taken two online classes, for no reason at all but that I wanted to know. You interact with your instructor, and there are many online sources of information if you have questions or need examples. I wonder whether this is true. I know for certain that appearance is an issue in families only when it represents a kind of currency ~ of power over. And you know power over is all about getting the victim to believe lies. I suspect you believe it, both because your sister wanted so desperately to be better (prettier) than you, and because you were the older sister, therefore gentler and more responsible. But more than anything, I think you were taught to see yourself as this sister needed you to see yourself to keep whatever fragile peace existed there. Remember when I posted, on this thread, that I realize I am physically beautiful, and that I wished I had known? Nothing about my appearance has changed. I can see, now. I am so surprised. This is an unfolding event, for me. I am dreaming about it. It is the strangest thing. There are so many reflections of self that were formed during times of abuse. These are the places we can heal, MWM. When I dream those faces, even in my dreams, I am kind. I see them. I show them true things. And I am healing. Believing things that ultimately do not matter (like appearance) carry enormous weight is an indication that something is not right. Add your sister's anorexia. [I]That appearance means something to the sister tells me you are probably more attractive ~ and you know yourself beauty is not just a matter of the outside of a person.[/I] Mostly what I know is that, between sisters and brothers, who is more beautiful, other than being a source of pride for the whole family, should not be an issue. If is is a real issue, replete with hurt and defenses and odd little happenings, then you can go there and find where you will be able to heal. My sister has a picture of the two of us in her bathroom. I have pictures of my sister, and of my sister and I, in my house? But not in my bathroom. So, I am on her mind alot, it seems. There are no other pictures in her bathroom. Just the one of my sister and me. It isn't that they are bad, MWM. We aren't about condemning our sisters, but about healing ourselves. To do that, we need to see clearly who we have been led to believe we are, and why that is what happened instead of something else, of something better and sweeter and more real. The deepest regret I have about my sister is that we never swung on the roof of a restaurant down here and watched the sun go down together. We never did that because my sister did not want that. When she and her husband were invited to a condo we had on the beach for awhile there, they left early so they could go down the beach and choose the better condo they would have rented, had they intended to rent a condo on the beach. And then? She told me that is what they had done. It was the strangest thing. *** I love my sister, really. I even love my mom, too. But as it is with our difficult child kids, we need to be wary, and we need to be wise, and we need to keep our wits about us or we will go right down the tubes for nothing that makes sense. It feels rude to tell the truth, but it is better to know. Especially if your sister is so much younger than you, you must love her deeply. There is something wrong with her though, MWM. In healing yourself, maybe you will be able to help her heal, too. That is what they say. That if one member can become healthier, the others may choose, a space has been made for, something healthier for them, too. But first we have to see, and that is a hard thing. Everything is all wound together ~ hurt and defensiveness and shame and that feeling that we are not enough, that we were never enough. That is how is it for me, anyway. I will probably never believe I am enough. But I am okay with that. Well, I am working on being just fine with it. There is a Buddhist practice that goes like this: Picture yourself exactly where you are in great detail. Then, forget you are there. That is how we become present. Works for me. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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