For those in the know, a wedding etiquette question

[hearts and roses]

Apparently, up here in new england, there is such a thing as a Jack & Jill party. difficult child's DF's mother offered to have one. The thing is that easy child and her cousin were planning a bridal shower for difficult child...and everything I've read says you shouldn't do both a jack and Jill and a shower because it appears greedy.

For the jack and Jill party, usually everyone pays about $20/person and there is food, booze and games, entertainment, etc. The money collected goes to the couple to either use for the wedding or their honeymoon, whatever they want.

Obviously, most of you know what the bridal shower is for.


DF's mother has been a bit of a pita and makes comments that we should just have had a hoedown in her backyard, whatever. I'm quite annoyed with her for some other things she says. She isn't overt about it, she's passive aggressive and that just bugs the poop out of me. She's controlling and manipulative with all her adult kids and it's always all about her.


So, can someone please tell me if it would be in poor taste for easy child to host a shower for difficult child as well as for future mother in law from hell to host a jack and Jill? Thanks!

 

[dstc_99]

Actually it is not uncommon for people to have more than one bridal shower. IE one for older people and one for their younger friends or one for each side of the family. I would say just don't invite the same people to both parties. Except of course for grandma and mothers and extremely close family who wont care to give $20 and a gift.

 

[Signorina]

I has multiple showers - as does nearly everyone I know. I agree with dtsc- with the exception of immediate family- the parties should have separate guest lists. I think it's really nice to include both families' traditions in wedding celebrations. Let mother in law host & invite her side to the jack and Jill.

Also on the color dress subject-it's traditional in many places/cultures for the moms to dress in the same color as the wedding party. That may be why mother in law is choosing red like the bridesmaids. It was the norm in my home town

 

[DDD]

Well, just to confuse the issue, in the South showers (bridal and baby) are not suppose to be hosted by family members but by friends (of the family or of the bride/groom). Having family host parties is "seen" as mercenary. on the other hand, family members often underwrite showers hosted by people who don't have the means to host a party.

I've never heard of a Jack and Jill party. It must be a regional thing. Interesting. DDD

 

[jal]

Jo,

I'm from CT too and the Jack & Jill is a way to combine a bridal shower and a bachelor party as one so there are no strippers!!!!! or getting out of hand and no one has to worry about what the other partner is doing. Regarding the monetary contribution, yes or no depending on what the couple wants to do. I personally have never been to one, but do know of people that have had them. Although I do not see the need to have 2 parties, I would imagine that if I was I would have 2 separate guest lists. Not fair to ask people to contribute twice and then expect a wedding gift.

1) Thank G*d husband and I eloped - best thing ever
2) Thank G*d I had a boy

 

[hearts and roses]

Thank you for all your input. Yes, DDD, it is regional thing...

I like the idea of separate guests lists, thank you. When easy child gets home from school tonight I will go over it with her.

I don't want to offend difficult child's future mother in law, but I also don't want her ruining plans that are already in place, Know what I mean??

I'm trying to just roll with it, go with the flow...not my strongest suit, but I'm trying.

Thanks again. I wish difficult child and E did elope, it would have made things much easier.

 

[AnnieO]

I read a thing about Jack & Jill parties in Dear Abby or Ann Landers or Miss Manners... Whichever it was thought that was mercenary. The asking for money bit. Otherwise - as long as the invitees are different, go for it!

 

[hearts and roses]

H was invited to a few after we moved up here from ny. He asked what it was and someone explained to him that it was created as a way to replace the old fashioned stag parties, I.e., the guys invited to stags pay an entrance fee and there is booze and food, strippers, etc., and the entrance fee covers it. The rest of the dough went to the groom to help defray honeymoon costs. At least that is what he was told...since stags are not as popular as they once were and now all the parties are co-Ed.

Personally...I love traditional bridal and baby showers. It gives the women a chance to share their stories.

 

[AnnieO]

LOL we had a women-only baby shower. No horror stories... I'd already heard a bunch!

husband and I didn't have a shower of any kind. XH and I had a co-ed one, and it was VERY small. I only had one attendant so I helped her out. Basically... XH alienated everyone and I didn't have many friends, as I was working full time 3rd shift and going to college full time. LOL now of course I have LOTS of friends... And they are all in different places!

I always wondered what really happened at stag parties...

 

[Mattsmom277]

Here, the jack and jill thing is called a Stag and Doe. Same idea. Pay a cost to buy a ticket, bride and groom use it either for wedding costs, honeymoon, down payment for a house, whatever. It's basically a big party (think dj, booze, food but on the cheap) and although older family sometimes attend, it's more a hoot and holler whoop it up bash that mostly the bride and grooms friends, coworkers etc go to. Usually older family goes as support (think buy tickets to help bride and groom) but don't stay late, the younger crowd usually stay till the wee hours and whoop it up. Small intimate friends then can do a bachelor/bachelorette party if someone wants to host it, totally different type evening and for very select few. Best friends and bridal party type thing. The bridal shower is usually a much larger guest list, and here anyhow it's common to invite to the shower and the stag and doe (jack and jill) because people not planning to attend the wedding likely won't go to the shower and this way they have a way to show their support and celebrate a little with the couple. Some will attend all events, but it is usually not a big deal if some attend the shower and skip the stag and doe. There really here is never offense if someone accepts for one and declines the other invite, etc.

I don't think you have anything to worry about, let the new out law mother in law do her thing, your daughter is going to be her new daughter in law for life so it will get your daughter brownie points. And I'd just bow out of helping, letting it be "that wonderful special event you are doing as a gift to the kids", how wonderful blah blah blah. I'd attend, enjoy yourself. As a guest. (Not a planner, mother in law can take the credit, you don't get one more event to stress over)

 

[DammitJanet]

Lord you are having a lot of issues already with this family! I hate to think what life is going to be once the marriage is already over.

 

[hearts and roses]

Thank you, mm, you put my mind totally at ease with the whole thing.

easy child is going ahead with the planning of the bridal shower, her cousin wants to plan something a bit mor bawdy with just them a maybe a couple of super cool aunts too.

Janet!!!! 'Once the marriage is over?' LOLOLOLOL...

 

[trinityroyal]

I always wondered what really happened at stag parties...

I don't know what happens at ALL stag parties, but I heard chapter and verse of what went on at my XH's. (Mods, please feel free to delete if this strays over the line. I'll try to keep it as clean.)

They rented a winnebago and hired a driver so that no one would be driving drunk. The liquor bill was STAGGERING.
1) Gambling. They drove to a casino about an hour out of town and whooped it up. Drank and played cards.
2) Inappropriate content, part A. They rented a bunch of X-rated movies and played them in the winnebago as they travelled around.
3) Inappropriate content, part B. After the casino, they headed over to what one of the lads called "The local dance palace". There were the usual shenanigans that take place in strip clubs (and our laws are pretty liberal about what can go on in those places) There was a big fuss about the fact that a groom-to-be was in the audience. They invited him up on stage, where the strippers proceeded to have him drop his pants and they spanked him with his own belt. XH, so drunk he was incoherent, lost his temper, tried to hit the stripper, and was hauled off the stage by his brother and a couple of bouncers. They left and went on to...
4) Inappropriate content, parts C and D. More movies and another strip club.
5) Collossal hangovers the next day. I had a houseful of grumpy drunk men to sweep out the door.

Personally, I think the Stag and Doe parties are a good idea. They allow everyone to whoop it up a bit without people getting full-on stupid.

And as for my XH, if he didn't want to be spanked by the stripper, he had no business agreeing to be on stage. A fool and a bully. 2 characteristics on the long list of reasons I'm not married to him anymore.

 

[susiestar]

I know lots of couples who have had more than one shower/party and have had them hosted by all manner of friends and relatives. husband and I had one shower and the girl who threw it insisted on it being males and females, but also had a bunch of traditional female bridal shower games. It was very awkward and about 45 min in, I shooed all the guys out. Several of them later gave me thank you gifts, lol, because they were sooooooooo uncomfortable at the shower.

I guess if future mother in law wants to invite HER friends/family and get money from them, it is fine as that may be their thing. I would personally not be comfortable attending, but that is just me. My childhood bff insisted on what I find to be a truly tacky and outrageous event at the wedding reception: The Dollar Dance.

What is it? The maid of honor and best man go around and get cash or checks from people and then those people get to dance with the bride or groom for 30-60 seconds. The cash collectors are in charge of timing the dancing time (with stopwatches) and if you want to dance for more than 30 seconds, you have to pay a lot more. I was thrilled that Wiz was with my aunt screaming his 7month old head off so that I could not go to the reception. The bride's mother's bff's daughter got the 'honor' of being cashier/timer. She tried her HARDEST to talk me out of not going to the reception, lol.

I think that unless your daughter and her fiance are willing to put their foot down on this thing, you should just let future mother in law do it, but not contribute to the guest list. Around here it is not uncommon for each side (bride's and groom's) to have a shower or party. For some people in my area there are even more parties/showers because if there are step parents that have a good relationship, often the bride's parents will each have a party for their part of the family and so will the groom.

 

[DDD]

Geez, I had forgotten the neice's wedding with the Money Dance. OMG I was embarrassed to even be in the room. Yikes!
DDD

 

[AnnieO]

I remember hearing about the dollar dance... I said absolutely NOT at my reception with XH. Around here it's a dollar a minute given directly to the bride or groom. And to make things even more fun there's always some joker trying to put the money somewhere inappropriate.

 

[susiestar]

The way it was explained to me, there was a min of $20 and most were 'expected' to give at least $100. She and her husband expected at least 2 grand from this stupid thing and they were NOT shy about saying "oh that isn't enough, you need to double it" to people. I found this out AFTER the fact, and was SOOOOOOOOOO relieved to be able to skip the reception. Childhood bff did NOT know what to do with me because when she explained this thing to me, 3 days before the wedding, I said that No, I was NOT doing that. She could dance with whomever she wanted and if she wanted cash for it she could ask them. I would not, in this life, in the next life, nor in any following life, participate in that because it was rude.

 

[hearts and roses]

Re: the dollar dance....

I always thought that was fun...the first time I saw it was at my cousins giant Polish Wedding when I was 11.

I can see the cheapness of it now, lol.