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For those who have adult adopted difficult children....
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 397534"><p>Hi Dash,</p><p></p><p>My son is also 19. Last year when he was still at home his therapist really felt that adoption was a big issue for him. He had started talking to him about how some of his anger at me might at least in part be anger at his birthmother. We have always been open about his adoption and so at this point I started bringing up the issue. Letting him know that if he wanted to contact his birthmother I would totally support him and would feel fine with him doing that. At one point I suggested we take him to the safety deposit box where we kept several letters from her (which he had seen before) plus all the adoption info we had. I figured now he was 18 he should be able to get whatever info he wanted about his adoption. There was some tough information in there too... but i felt he had the right to the info. When I mentioned it he wanted to go that very day. So we did. It was emotional while there and him seeing the stuff. One of the few times recently he let me really hug him. He came home and read though all the stuff, asked a few questions in and then came to me for a hug. Then he went and hugged his sister. It was really powerful... it was like he let down his guard with me for a few moments. We talked about what he needed to do to contact his birthmother. I told him he needed to call the agency. According to him he called, and they said he would need to talk to a counselor and they would call him back and they never did. Shame on the agency if that is true. A part of me really wanted to step in and call the agency for him, but I really felt that this is his journey, if he asked me to I would, but I did not feel I should take things into my own hands. So I think he dropped things at that point. I hope as he is getting sober, that he will call the agency and follow up. We are in a good situation because she did write him a letter after he was born, and sent several cards and letters to him in the early years. I think it did help him to read those letters because she was very clear she loved him but was not in a situation where she could take care of him.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 397534"] Hi Dash, My son is also 19. Last year when he was still at home his therapist really felt that adoption was a big issue for him. He had started talking to him about how some of his anger at me might at least in part be anger at his birthmother. We have always been open about his adoption and so at this point I started bringing up the issue. Letting him know that if he wanted to contact his birthmother I would totally support him and would feel fine with him doing that. At one point I suggested we take him to the safety deposit box where we kept several letters from her (which he had seen before) plus all the adoption info we had. I figured now he was 18 he should be able to get whatever info he wanted about his adoption. There was some tough information in there too... but i felt he had the right to the info. When I mentioned it he wanted to go that very day. So we did. It was emotional while there and him seeing the stuff. One of the few times recently he let me really hug him. He came home and read though all the stuff, asked a few questions in and then came to me for a hug. Then he went and hugged his sister. It was really powerful... it was like he let down his guard with me for a few moments. We talked about what he needed to do to contact his birthmother. I told him he needed to call the agency. According to him he called, and they said he would need to talk to a counselor and they would call him back and they never did. Shame on the agency if that is true. A part of me really wanted to step in and call the agency for him, but I really felt that this is his journey, if he asked me to I would, but I did not feel I should take things into my own hands. So I think he dropped things at that point. I hope as he is getting sober, that he will call the agency and follow up. We are in a good situation because she did write him a letter after he was born, and sent several cards and letters to him in the early years. I think it did help him to read those letters because she was very clear she loved him but was not in a situation where she could take care of him. [/QUOTE]
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