? for those with Restraining Order/Order of Protections

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by helpme, Jan 29, 2010.

  1. helpme

    helpme New Member

    I've been wondering for a while what happens "after"
    a restraining order or an order of protection.
    Another post got me wondering how everyone's
    experiences with the orders have been and/or the
    consequences of such. Maybe this information will
    help someone else...

    Personally, I don't think I even had time to consider
    getting a restraining order. I honestly didn't even
    realize I'd get one either. I'm in IL, so I'll relate my

    My son was prosecuted by the state for domestic
    battery, as a juvenile. At the time, I had no idea
    that a restraining order could be requested and ordered
    immediately. But after learning of such, it definitely
    made sense. If someone brutally murdered someone,
    then I would pray that the police would contact
    a judge immediately and a judge would sign such
    restraining order.

    For me, I don't think anyone could have convinced
    me to get an order of protection (which is requested
    by a person or party of people). But I knew I needed
    my girls to be left out of my son's lifestyle and temperament.
    I needed to protect. After watching how the court
    handled the issue, learning about domestic battery laws,
    and people repeatedly saying why wasn't a RO issued,
    I then realized that I had more than enough evidence
    to at least request an order of protection. I also
    hoped it would be a way for difficult child to get the help he needed.
    Dear daddy would be forced to realize son's problem
    I was wrong of course. Dear dad says I have the problem.

    Personally, I did not want the order to include myself.
    And my first request (that just lingered in the courts)
    did not include myself. But, after son broke into house
    after I left and car issues evolved, I realized that I could
    not protect the girls in a house that the law was informing
    me, since I held custody of difficult child, I could not exclude difficult child
    from the home. Middle daughter was driving to school, and
    I could not include the truck as son threatened damage to such
    while she was in summer school (the truck being in both my
    and soon to be ex's name), and was suspended for

    I then added my name to the request for an order of protection.
    I filed in 2008, and the judge asked if I would permit a
    civil no contact order. I though they were the same.
    They are not. A civil no contact order means that the other
    person is responsible "financially" if any further issues occur.

    It was not worth a dime. It could have been, if father had
    permitted son to realize the issues at hand. But father only said,
    'he didn't believe in that" (meaning the civil no contact order).
    I chose the civil no contact order to also permit son to
    admit to his past wrongdoing, take his punishment,
    and move on to "adulthood".

    When the issues got even bigger with difficult child, I went and filed again,
    for an Order of Protection. It was finally granted in 2009 and is
    valid until 2011. difficult child also has a misdemeanor charge of
    violating such order.

    difficult child went on to commit several other criminal offenses, felony
    stealing(s), underage drinking and driving, illegal consumption,
    state trespassing, evading police, mob action, assault with a
    weapon/no firearm (a screwdriver of course) and so forth.
    Evictions and unemployment issues as well. Drinking and drug
    issues of course. You name it, he probably was charged with it.
    For me, the worst being sexual assault with the victim greater
    than 13 and less than 18, with less than 5 years between victim
    and the accused.

    Whhhhat I said is that about? Oh, it's a felony if they are over
    5 years apart. Yup! And if they aren't? Oh its a misdemeanor?
    Maximum punishment? 1 year time and/or up to $2500 fine?
    Oh? I see! Another child (17) charged with the same offense.
    Okay. And? It was sexual penetration? Really? And what
    is that mean? Oh, from something as simple as penis touching
    any part of another person's skin? All the way to intercourse,
    etc? Gotcha. Um, please keep my son away from his sisters,
    until they can defend themselves. I will also inform others
    of the crazy damn law. Thank you very much!!!! (yea,
    i knew son had sexual problems long before this)

    RO and OP remedies are a whole other discussion of course.
    We had one, that difficult child attend anger management and
    see the counselor. He has refused. His father has refused.
    I stopped caring about solutions. But the state of IL
    did ask us as victims what we felt was appropriate, and
    they agreed and ordered such.

    Paternal side hates me for the issues. And I do mean
    hates me. I could care less, in the end, they got the
    kid (he lives there now) and they can deal with it all.
    Good luck with it all I say. They do let difficult child call me
    and ask for money before they end up paying it of course.
    How sweet of them!

    Furthermore, come the end of June, middle daughter turns 18.
    And, she wants to rescind the order on her behalf? Um...
    okay, do I still need my divorce attorney (since I was in divorce
    proceedings, I could not go pro bono (represent myself)?
    Yup, I sure do. Bummerz. What do I need an attorney for?
    We will see I guess.

    All past legal fees for this stuff still remain unresolved.
    I've refused to pay for the attorney fees.

    For me, the OP was our detachment. I even said to myself
    after it was ordered, "i've lost my son today". Our future
    still remains unseen.

    I'm SO curious about others experiences.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I haven't had personal experience. But my sister went thru some of the same things as you. (same state) It was a nitemare and she was still with her ex all thru it. In the end, since no one except my sis wanted to seek mental health treatment of my nephew......well, let's just say he hit his 3 strikes and now will be spending the rest of his life behind bars. He's been there mostly since 16 and he's now 32. (minus a year or several months between winding right back there)

    Sad. in my opinion it didn't have to work out that way. But the system failed my nephew in every way possible. :(

  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im sorry. I never did the OP or RO. We seriously considered it at one time but he left.

    I always felt that they were just a piece of paper and not worth much more than that.
  4. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I had reason to get a PO against my son a few years ago but decided against it. -RM
  5. emotionallybankrupt

    emotionallybankrupt New Member

    I have not gotten any restraining order/order of protection against difficult child, but I had an order of protection against my former husband (her dad) for more than a year; first for a year, and then renewed for another year because of continued blatant violations.

    I would tend to agree that a restraining order is "just a piece of paper," but an order of protection has teeth, as it brings the offender the IMMEDIATE consequence of being arrested. Also, in my state, a violation of the order of protection ups the charges from assault to aggravated assault.

    It's so very sad for a situation to deteriorate to that point, but if it does, I would get an order of protection without hesitation. My perspective is that if the situation gets so volatile as to meet the criteria for an order of protection, all other measures have been exhausted. At that point, consistency is critical. I filed a report on each and every violation, and after he got tired of being arrested, he left me alone. He had one aggravated assault charge pending, and apparently FINALLY realized he couldn't beat the system. I really believe that the stance of "no compromise--ever" is the only hope for a change in an established pattern of domestic violence.

    It would break my heart, but I would take the same measures with difficult child if I were pushed that far. difficult child knows it, too, which makes for a decent "insurance policy." I've kept pointing out to her that my past behavior should help her to predict my future behavior in similar circumstances. As an unemancipated minor, the dynamics were different, but she did in time come to realize that I would call for help with little hesitation.

    Now, of course, since she is emancipated, I would respond to her exactly as I responded to her dad--and I loved him very much. I've gone through quite a grieving process regarding him, even though I know his behavior left me little choice. With her, the pain is so much more, but as far as my BEHAVIOR is concerned, I've already completed the "training course" and know what I have to do in a terroristic situation--and I consider it to be nothing less than that. And to think I used to be such a passive personality....
    Last edited: Jan 31, 2010
  6. helpme

    helpme New Member

    Thanks everyone. emotionallybankrupt, I think you said it very
    clearly- I was consistent and clearly not tolerating such behavior".

    Daisylover, thanks for that information, its so helpful to know
    that I am not the only one. It makes me prepare for the
    worst, and still pray for the best.

    I probably also should have said that I was probably fighting
    difficult child's father permitting and enabling difficult child's behavior, temperament,
    verbal as well as physical and emotional abuse, as well as
    teaching son that it was all unacceptable behavior. It is
    also important to say that I knew positively that my difficult child was
    not only treating me this way, but also his sisters, and the
    majority of other females in his life. Including his girlfriends.

    I'll remember to come back and post an update around April
    (next divorce hearing), around June (daughter wants to rescind)
    and how the entire OP experience goes all a round.