Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by standswithcourage, Oct 25, 2007.

  1. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I believe I have been forgotten by my newly married daughter! I have done so many favors for her and get nothing back - I dont mean material things I just mean time. Tonight she called me to check on her dogs while they went and bought halloween costumes. She has two springer spaniels and they both work. Anyway I couldnt get over there fast enough - i had just gotten off work at 6:20 and she called to see if I could come - i usually do but couldnt right then - so they just put the dogs back in there kennels - i feel bad about it - I have her portrait in my dining room - her wedding was two weeks ago - of course she wants it back in her house but I would love it in mine - i asked her to give me a picture for christmas - she said maybe - i have looked after dogs, given lots of things, put out lots of money we didnt have for her wedding, etc. etc. they couldnt even give us a bottle of Rum they got back from Jamaica nor could they give us a bottle of wine from the reception they had 3 boxes left - last Christmas I got a $25.00 gift certificate to go eat somewhere me and my husband (her Dad) I worked my tail off and got her a Kitchen Aide Professional mixer and other things - I felt my feelings were hurt - I just dont understand - they have more money than we do - his parents have them over to eat every sunday because she loves to cook and is Italian - my daughter has learned to cook more from her than me because i am just not good at it - however, i love my daugther so much - i stayed home for 16 years to raise them - what am i doing wrong - i want to be a part of her and his life - he is greedy about wanting to be rich and so forth -
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    There is a wonderful word in the dictionary just for such occasions such as this: NO!

    If it isnt convenient for you to drop everything and run to do something for your daughter, no matter how much you adore her, just tell her "Oh sorry honey, I wish I could but Im in the middle of something and I cant right now." End of story. She will survive.

    Dont bust your behind to do for her. Do only what you can do that wont take anything away from your family. She is grown now. You dont have to compete with her in laws. She will still love you even if she loves them. There is an old saying about how your heart always makes room for more people to love or something like that.

    Be glad your in laws love your daughter, it could be horrible if they made her feel unwelcome in their home. Just let things settle down for awhile and it will all work out. You are not forgotten but you dealing with a girl who is newly married. Give her time to get used to that role.
  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Susan, with all due respect, you need to get a life of your own. Your posts make it sound as if your happiness is completely dependent upon your kids and how they "treat" you.

    Well, your kids have lives of their own now. Your difficult child is still misbehaving and your daughter is a newlywed....translation: they are both completely involved in their OWN lives, not yours.

    I know you are hurt by their self-centeredness...but it is what it is. We have tried to make suggestions in PE to no avail so maybe something someone suggests here in WC will help.

    Get a hobby. Take a class. Have a date with your husband. Find a life of your own and interests of your own so you have other avenues of happiness other than your kids.

  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    So sorry you're hurting. I know you're lonesome.

    She is married now and on her own. She makes her own choices. That's going to hurt. You cannot control whether you are in her new life. You can only control who you are and how you feel.

    I would not do so many things for her. I would do things for you. Do you work outside the home? Do volunteer work? Once you pick up the pace in regard to doing your own things, your daughter will call to do something with-you and will be surprised that you can't drop everything to be with-her.

    I would also spend more time with-your husband. If you don't have a lot of $, you can go for walks and work in the yard and read things together, or find something new to do.

    Good luck.
  5. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It is normal for her to be this way.

    You need some time to accept that. But, accept it you must.

    She is doing just what she is supposed to be doing.
  6. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Suggestions on inexpensive hobbies:

    Birdwatching (talk to Timer Lady about it; she just put some birdseed in her back yard and has a SANCTUARY out there! On top of it, now she sketches)

    Join a book club

    Go online and learn a new language

    Heck, go online and try some new recipes. Dazzle the family!

    REALLY get involved with AlAnon. Even if you think you don't need it anymore. We can only keep what we have by giving it away.

    I think acceptance of what is out of your control is hard for you, no matter what it is. First we noticed it with your son's drugging, now your daughter being married. Susan, you have GOT to accept that your children are grown up and do not need you anymore (no, not even the one who is begging for your help). And you really need to come to terms with that very soon because easy child will be leaving the house soon too. Get yourself an identity besides "so-and-so's mom". Be Susan, the lady who speaks Cantonese, or Susan, the lady who just learned how to cook Thai, or Susan, the one who helps in AlAnon all the time...

    Or Susan, the one whose eyes light up every time her husband walks into the room.
  7. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Ditto Suz and BBK.
  8. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Ditto on it is time to get a life.

    Like your son, you put the blame on someone else (her husband) for her bad behavior. From what you have said, she was happy to use you before she got married, why should that change now? She doesn't have to do anything to get you to do for her. All she has to do is say she needs. Heck, I'm not even sure she needs to say she needs, a very, very subtle hint would work as well.

    Do you feel the $25.00 gift certificate at Christmas was given out of love or out of duty? If it was love, the amount should not matter. If it was duty, do your duty and give this amount to her for Christmas. She didn't ask you to give her everything you did -- you did it because you wanted to.

    You also compare things -- I gave this, I got that. Other than getting hurt, what good does it do to compare? If you resent that the gifts aren't equal, then stop giving so much!

    Frankly, you've taught your kids to expect the sun and moon from you. You've also taught them that you have no value. It is okay if they take you for granted. It is perfectly acceptable for them to walk all over you.

    Hon, it is time you pampered your husband and you. It is time that you put your foot down and let your kids know that you can only afford X amount for Christmas, birthdays, holidays. You love them and want to spend time with them and have fun, but you don't want to be their dogsitter, drugrunner, doormat.

    Yes, your daughter will be angry at first. But, if there is a good relationship there (and it really does sound like there is), she'll get over it and you two will ultimately have a much healthier mother/daughter relationship.

    Your easy child living at home will probably feel cheated since his older siblings have gotten so much in terms of things and what you do for them. However, he will ultimately respect you as a person more and probably come to appreciate you as his mother.

    To me, a parent has one job as a parent -- to teach a child to become an adult, preferably one that is happy, caring and successful according to the child's terms.
  9. mum2JK&TH

    mum2JK&TH New Member

    Is it at all possible that you are causing her to push you away? I only ask this because my mum does something similar. I love my mother dearly and she is a huge help to us. But with that comes expectations that we are always supposed to return the favor somehow even if it's something we don't really want to do. There are times (and it's funny that I read this post now as I am going through this at this very moment) that I feel choked. She has to be so involved in my life that it ends up that I push her away because I feel suffocated. I am truly grateful for all that she does but I need my own life with my own family and she doesn't allow that at times. The guilt and the pressure actually causes a strain on our relationship. Maybe you are unknowingly doing that to her.
    I hope I haven't offended you because you sound like my mum and I am sure your daughter would be lost without you but because your always there she probably never gets a chance to realize that.
  10. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I understand all of the posts and I thank you for them. You all know me so well already. I will heed your advice and follow it.
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I understand you're missing your daughter. Really. I do.

    I've been a stay at home Mom for 23 yrs. (gawd that makes me feel old lol) I centered my whole life around my kids. And not to be immodest, but I was one heck of a Mom. Awesome.

    Where you are now is a minor bump in the road. Even if right now it doesn't feel that way. been there done that Now the kids are out of the home you're left struggling to figure out what to do with yourself. You haven't as yet "shifted gears".

    You've been a great Mom. But if now while your kids are struggling/discovering their independence you can't give them breathing room, they will begin to resent it. You risk them actually doing what you fear most, pushing you away. (My own Mom is so over bearing and nosey it drives us kids to actually avoid her most of the time)

    You've been a great Mom. Now step back and give them plenty of space in which to realize just how great you've been. If they call with a request and it's inconvienent for you, let them know it. Don't jump. They'll deal with it. Honest. The world won't end.

    Now before I shifted gears, I thought, well..... here I am. Kids don't need me. I haven't worked, so no career. My life was kid oriented, so no real outside interests. It was a real downer when I thought of it that way. I felt used up, unappreciated, and worthless.

    Then it hit me. I am free!!! :smile: All of my kids are adults. I have no responsibility for their behavior. I have no obligations to them other than those that I want to have. I can do as I please.


    Your daughter is beginning a new phase in life. So are you.

    Both of you should be enjoying it to the max.

    It's great she gets along with her inlaws. Be thrilled for her. Just be you. It's not a competition. Step back and have some fun. Things will fall into place in time.

  12. saving grace

    saving grace New Member

    My first thought about this is she still on 21, my son is 21 and he has 21 year old friends and they are ALL SELF ABSORBED.
    Married or not she is still very young and wants her independance and her own life, she has a ways to go before she wants to be your friend.

    Take the advice of others, do things for yourself and do not be so available to her anymore, she wants to be treated like an adult then treat her like one.

  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Um, you are not going to like this. But I will say it anyway.

    Do not give gifts if all you want is a similar gift back. That is selfish. It is not the point of gift giving. If you are not willing to give freely then it is not a gift, it is manipulation.

    It is what it is. If a difficult child were saying/doing this it is what we would likely tell him/her.

    The other thing is that you put your difficult child first for a long time. Ahead of the children who were behaving,a t least as far as your time and worry go. Your daughter would have to be inhuman not to resent this on some level.

    Don't bring it up to her. Your words won't change her feelings, they will drive her apart. Show her you are not going to make her responsible for your happiness and well being.

    Get a hobby. Get a life. Get out and do something just for you. Let the daughter and your other children work it out for themselves. When they are ready they will come to you.

    If they only come to you when they need something, if you can do it freely then do it if you want to. But don't let the dog out in exchange for a bottle of alcohol from somewhere or some event. Or whatever.

    It is not fair to her or yourself.

  14. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    It has only been two weeks since she got married, and you spent a day with her once already since then. Have you talked to a therapist about your concerns yet?

    My 24 year old daughter has never once in the 22 years we have been married given my husband a thing for his birthday, Christmas, Father's day, period. Not even a card. She carries a Coach purse, buys new undies from Victoria's Secret six at a whack twice a month, and wears designer jeans and shoes. LOTS of shoes. I get used hair clips, lotion samples that they hand out in the store, and one Mother's Day she used a bad check to buy dinner ingredients at our favorite corner family market and a month later I had to buy it plus the fines from them. She didn't pay me back. We were the only ones to help her move into her new apartment 7 weeks ago and she hasn't called me once. She never calls unless she is bored when she is driving home from whatever party she is at. All in all, I would say our relationship is pretty good considering what it could be. Sometimes she says stupid things that hurt my feelings, but we get along pretty well.

    Kids don't usually think about other people. If you expect them to live up to your standards you will be disappointed.
  15. KFld

    KFld New Member

    She is young. They just got married. They are acting like a young married couple. She isn't doing this to you on purpose. I think she is just adjusting to her new life and probably enjoying that and her independence.

    My son is 20. Moved in the same town as us with his girlfriend about 6 weeks ago. I have been to the apartment twice and see him less now then I did when he lived 20 minutes away. He has his own life to live. I miss him, but I know he's a grown up adult now.

    I'll hear from him when he needs to borrow money :smile:

    I agree with the others. Go spend some quality time with husband, or by yourself. Do you like to read? I know I have a lot of free time on my hands now that I don't have another half, so I'm going to pick up a few books this afternoon that I know I'm going to enjoy reading. I'd much rather read a good book then sit here feeling alone.
  16. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    My dtr (difficult child 1) is 19 and on her own with boyfriend. Sometimes I hear from her a couple times in one week, sometimes weeks go by and I don't hear from her, then I might call. I understand she needs her space and she has her own life--it is not centered around her family and I think that is a good thing. I had to set up strict boundaries with her (we had to kick her out at 18) but she does seem to respect me. I don't allow her to use me though I will help out (not financially) when she asks if I am able. I don't drop everything and rush to help, I tell her when I am available.

    I think your dtr has been taught that you have no value--you are there for her and your son and you are not a person in your own right. When they are very small it makes sense--they don't understand that we are more than "Mom." But once they can comprehend that we need to let them understand that we are people too and have our own lives to live. I think she will treat you better when you stand up for yourself and also prove to her that you have your own life, she is not the center of the universe.

    My best friend's mom is so needy and has made her dtr the center of her life. My friend feels suffocated and does not like to be around her mom much. She feels guilty about her feelings since her mom is so devoted to her but she really needs her space. The way I see it is that it is unfair to our kids and ourselves to make our happiness depend upon them. They should not be responsible for our happiness--it is too big a burden for all.

    Good luck! Everyone who responded before me had great advice!

  17. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I think too that she is a newly wed. she is still honeymooning. she is getting to know her inlaws. (she will find their flaws soon

    seems you are having sadness at the changes in your life and rightfully so. your son is in jail and that is hard to swallow...even when they deserve it. you are still his mom and feel the pain of that.

    your daughter's wedding was a big buildup and now is the let down part. she is being selfish right now probably to escape the chaos that existed in your home leading up to her marriage.

    she will be back.

    concentrate on letting easy child have some peace without mom fretting. let him see you smile again. enjoy this time as the 24 yr old will be in your world sooner than you expect one day.

    anyone would be sad now given the big challenges you have gone thru these past months. ((HUGS))
  18. Star*

    Star* call 911

    So who IS Susan anyway? It will be interesting to meet her.
  19. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I want you to understand that I am not saying this to hurt your feelings. I'm saying it because many people have been tiptoeing around it since you first began posting. Some have clod-hoppered around it, but everything said to you has come with a long explanation, and I think that the explanations aren't helping you because you don't seem to see the basic point. So, I'm just going to say it.

    You whine. A lot. It's not healthy, and it's gotten old.

    Everyone has troubles, and if we all whined about them all the time no one would ever get anything done. When are you going to find something about your life that you enjoy? It's there if you look for it, but you are busy looking for pain.

    When are you going to consider someone else's trouble and offer someone here some advice? We're all here because our kids make us feel like doggy doo. You're not alone, but we're not here to prop you up.

    I suggest you break out that old Carole King "Tapestry" album and play it over and over and over.

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face
    And show the world all the love in your heart
    Then people gonna treat you better
    You're gonna find, yes, you will
    That you're beautiful as you feel</div></div>

    Sometimes we don't see that we manufacture our own trouble. When I was much younger, someone told me "Did you realize that you never say 'please' when you ask for something, and you never say 'thank you' to anyone? No one owes you anything, so you should be polite." It was harsh, but it really opened my eyes. I hope that this will be a wake up call for you. If it's always going to be all about your trouble du jour, you won't have many friends.